First Steps to Solvency

RelievedSheff

Another fresh day. Let's hope that this one is better for you.

Happy Thursday.

efes_shareholder

Next time the wife has a meltdown over a high value item , is it worth breaking down the hours works to buy that one bag against everything else
For example , when my kids were younger and wanted expensive trainers  etc I would say to them - "those shoes are £80 , I earn £10 an hour therefore I have to work 8 hours in order for you to have them" Then I would suggest that they did 8 hours of jobs for me around the house etc  whether that was cleaning cars , cutting grass , jet washing patios etc.
I truly believe this installed n them a value of things and an appreication of the work out in to have nice things.
I'm not suggesting you buy these things for her , however maybe it will help her put things in to perspective

getmore4less

my point about the rituals and especially the home office is it has history, not that you are on it now.

You get nagged, you go to the office, she thinks you on it, nags more, you stay in the office.
It's a cycle that needs breaking agreee it should not all be on you.

Just sitting together doing your own thing breaks the cycle of the office  even if you don't talk.
She stops thinking about you hiding away snorting, and you can try to control the nagging reminding it is not helping.

As she is on the TV anyway you might try to find something mutual to fill the gaps where you can't find films or child times when there are loads.  

To follow up on the options offered by others

House of games  is a fun one, on catchup as well they come in sets of 5. 
trying to get the answers before the contestant and those in your house. 
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b094mjv0

Only connect is good but hard ,  but like when they reveal the conections and go awwwww should have spotted that.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00lskhg

Taskmaster, really silly but a bit of fun,  might take a bit of getting used
(just checked and series 11 is starting)
https://www.channel4.com/programmes/taskmaster

Got into this as it hits our travel bug and interest in buildings.
Amazing Hotels: Life Beyond the Lobby (might trigger new wants in the wife)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08l2m2x

occasionally we do cats does countdown but it is quite variable.
https://www.channel4.com/programmes/8-out-of-10-cats-does-countdown

News satire are still good ,  Have I got.... , mash report(cancelled),  Last Leg and others 

Probably a bit to close to work but liking your garden made perfect  for ideas an d how much people are spending.......
not into the inside ones as much unless about the build rather than the decor
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000ry6p

we are big into comedy and do a lot of live gigs when on, tons on TV
this is on our list from this week Bill Bailey
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000t984/bill-bailey-limboland
and  the story behind  the living legend  Billy Connelly
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/b0bwzhxx/billy-connolly-made-in-scotland

For something with legs one the many crime based drama
LIne of Duty is a good one to get into
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/p00yzlr0/line-of-duty

ladyholly

Have a good day alt. I hope you get a decent meal tonight. I suspect that some of you not feeling well is a lack of calories.

warby68

Just read elsewhere your wife binned your dinner out of spite.
For goodness sake.
Eat well @alt80 - its key for you at the moment. Do whatever is needed to bypass such petty and wasteful nonsense. I'd buy a  good quality steak , crusty roll for juices. Not a full meal but 6 minutes and will boost you. 

alt80

Happy Thursday. I’m getting into the bad habits with sleep again. Struggling to stay on the right track and in right mindset need to I know or def can lead me down the wrong track. Pulled myself away now and won’t have another today unless decaf but I’ve had 2 three shot coffees one after the other - bit wired now FML.

@enthusiasticsaver thank you. Yeah definitely need to think what my goals are never been anything but a perpetual treadmill of my only goal being to earn more so I can buy stuff. Tbt think that still is my goal but it can feel a bit empty- interim targets can be set and met but never an end point always something else to work towards. Probably one of the reasons why I am never satisfied. Dread the idea of being satisfied tbh because what then? Idk maybe just me.

What attracts me to investing is more it will give me some diversity not just financially but something different to think about and see what I can do with it. Likely won’t be big amounts as you point out I don’t need or want retirement plans so it’s just a bit of fun and to say I’ve got it really.

@warby68 I won’t initiate divorce lol. Never been the one to leave a relationship and no plans to leave this one mainly because we’ve got a child tbh but iswyacf. Either she does find someone else or leave for other reasons or we stay married. That one is on her 100%.

I don’t mind the quiz shows even if my general knowledge isn’t amazing. Used to do a lot of countdown as a kid though lol parents used to set it up ready for us when we got home from school and we did family countdown most afternoons lol. About the only family thing we did you’ve reminded me might set up a FaceTime one for old times sake. 

Generally I don’t pick tv viewing- don’t tend to watch tv if I have to be sociable she watches tv and I fire my laptop up so don’t really sit watching say yes to the dress lol. Only time I did the tv I planned the viewing for the evening and was when I was starting out on the recovery track probably posted about it on here. Found it was something else to distract me from work/ personal numbers etc and falling to sleep without the stimulus to stay awake. Enjoyed it don’t get me wrong but not what I need I dont think.

@RelievedSheff thank you only one more day until you get your weekend too. 

@efes_shareholder lol I do that to son. Not hours but tell him I’ve had to work for that. Wife would go mad if I said something along those lines to her.

KxMx

alt80 said:

@Legs21 It’s 56 days, not 58 but thanks. 

 

Yeah I hope she will. She’s meant to as part of my substance counselling but has refused. Not her problem etc.

 

She doesn’t like the budget which is part of the problem. She knows she gets the really limited budget until August then what she has left plus £1k until Christmas all I get is her crying it’s not enough.

 

@getmore4less I spend my evening in the office home or comm and she reckons I’m back on the stuff I really am not but no telling her. Not like I haven’t lied to her in the past about it so I do get the no trust thing. Almost think the ‘going on tinder’ stuff is some kind of up yours to me the more I actually think about it tbh I’m getting to the point if we didn’t have a kid I’d probably tell her to go.

 

Not gonna lie I don’t feel like the family stuff all the time. Def still have the work compulsion, wish I could work 24/7 and know it’s not always productive stuff but def better than sat with her on my sofa whilst she watches say yes to the dress for the 2nd hour in a row 100%. She’s not great on the photography / video editing etc. I’m usually roped in for a fair few of her photos and she doesn’t know how to use editing software so if she uses filters it’s just pre done ones on IG – so whilst I like your idea it won’t work. Generally, if I set her up with something to do it has to be planned and supervised. I wind up tidying things up before being able to work out the best way forward for us. She’s not been doing too badly on the holiday deals but two flights already mixed up so I’ll end up going through the lot. Did have her on the budget spreadsheets for a bit but it was a !!!!!! nightmare. She does the food planning but I have to check that through every week.

 

Ha no international commitments for me lol that made me laugh - getting out into Lincoln or Derby is a big day on the travel for me mate. Business is better than its been in years, things really good at the moment. If I was being really disciplined doing a reasonable amount of fee earners and the general business management I could work something like Mon-Thurs 9-5 and Fri 9-12 in a typical week. Just to keep the cogs turning if I cut the fee earners right back I’d be able to get it down to 2 days. The fee earners I do tend to just be money in the pot so win win there. I hate being away from it only bit of life I have. Never finish at 5pm, always usually 6pm earliest more like 7pm most days if I’m doing the family time. She always wants me off from work, similar sorts of conversations tbh and thinks I’m making excuses to get away from being a husband to her and dad to son idk maybe I am.

 

The family stuff isn’t the problem for her it’s the clothes/ bags etc and will be the beauty once that opens again 100% image. 

 

Tbh I’ve told her I can’t do the centre parcs trip. I can’t face it. She’ll go with her parents and son, they’ve done it before and son enjoys it. Will give me my house to myself for once too.

 

@dawnybabes / @amanda_p iswyacf ultimately the problem is mine she’s not going to pay for any of it lol.

 

She doesn’t always buy stuff with big labels etc. Some of it yes other stuff she’s got is subtle tbf but iswym.

 

@Paspatur Thanks. I’m not going to pretend I haven’t thought about it because I have. Exhausted from putting the roadblocks in to keep away from it tbh.

 

Social media could be used tbh although my wife isn’t a whizz on video editing/ photography etc. 

 

@ladyholly I’ve told her she carries on she’s on the prepay which tbh she will be. 

Alt I think your wife's behaviour towards you is very very poor indeed.
But just perhaps she has a lack of confidence in herself in part because of your apparent lack of confidence in her. Have things always been like this with you needing to have such control over her and check up on what she's done? That isn't healthy for either of you.

RelievedSheff

@alt80 1 more day until I can have a drink again

Looking forward to a couple of beers on the sofa watching rubbish films tomorrow night.

enthusiasticsaver

My husband and I like different TV viewing but we do find some programmes which are mutually compatible.  Some quiz programmes we watch occasionally together and the odd drama or travel programme or documentary or uk classic comedy.  The only us comedies we watch are Big Bang or the odd old episode of Friends which are both well written. I prefer dramas and historical programmes  but husband likes airline disasters, wheeler dealers and restoration workshop.  Both of us are united in our detest of any sort of reality tv programmes. Next time you sit to watch TV maybe suggest you take turns in choosing as I would think most males and a fair section of females would hate Say yes to the dress.  

Your wife needs counselling to increase her self confidence and gain some focus in how she sees her life progressing beyond buying more stuff although I am not sure how you convince her of that.  Have you tried simply asking her beyond buying stuff what makes her happy?  If she replies family stuff then say you will do your bit in putting some time aside for that but remind her you are working so don't have the spare time she does. She cannot put everything on you.  I think the IG stuff is because she has too much time on her hands as she doesn't work. 

The only way you can regain her trust on not getting back on the drugs is by over time proving you are clean.  Your posts show when you are level and off the stuff and so I am sure she can tell when you are high. I get that it is exhausting trying to avoid the triggers but you really have to get this idea out of your head that it was never a problem and you can control it.  Drug addicts are like alcoholics and think they don't have a problem with it and they can stop anytime but the fact withdrawal has been so tough for you shows that you were addicted to it and have to avoid the triggers like the plague and that includes other people who are not ready to get clean yet. You have done brilliantly so far in keeping off it but you are right the test will be when things are more normal and socialising etc can happen again.  You really need to harden your resolve then as the temptations will be stronger and you do not want to undo all your hard work. The bad sleeping habits and bad eating is not good and neither is working 24/7 and not making time for your family.  As in everything balance is key. 

As for dreading the idea of being satisfied the sky does not fall in if you are happy with where you are in life and are at peace with that.  I  count myself as being lucky to being happy with what I have  but I get that you have a drive or ambition to get more and I am at a different stage of life to you. Nothing wrong with that but similarly keep your mind open to being content at some point in the future as that removes such a lot of stress from most people.  

alt80

@getmore4less you're sounding like the professional help mate lol. Seriously, thanks been on the counselling this morning realised I am slipping a bit. Finding the family stuff a lot of effort, I slip on that and wife slips on the IG stuff. Seems to be how it goes anyway. 

No clue how you get through that much TV mate ha but will have a look plan a few hours viewing with the wife this evening. She enjoys that keeps her away from the IG thanks. Wife is def into the comedy she'd love to go see a few comedians live and into the music shows too @warby68

@ladyholly / @warby68 could just fancy a steak haha don't tempt me lol.

@KxMx I'm more relaxed tbh definitely have had control issues in the past not about her going out or whatever I'm not like that just like things doing the way I like things doing with regard to jobs/ cleaning/ house etc. I've consciously backed off from that over the past few years and it's all fine. Her planning stuff stresses me out idk why. Possibly she picks it up and it does affect her confidence idk not my intention. Can't really think much about it right now, she did come to the counselling appt and worst one yet 100%.

@RelievedSheff quite fancy getting a few beers in myself thanks for the reminder ha. Looks like you may have got me spending money again FML.

@enthusiasticsaver wife likes sports (watching and participating (tennis / football), music (listening and playing), exercise/ fitness (devising plans for strength training HIIT etc). She does have things she likes doing that cost very little tbh. I let her play PT to me ha she likes that.

As I said to @getmore4less you're sounding like the counsellor ha re avoiding the stuff. Tbh find avoiding a massive effort, leaves me whacked at night and sleeping too much.