First Steps to Solvency

RelievedSheff

annabanana82 said:

ryanm8655 said:

Encourage his wife and mother of his child to go on tinder? Are you all crazy?

If she’s serious then there’s no future there, move on. I wouldn’t put up with that. Plus you’ve got her messaging the mate she despises and who drags you down offering herself if he gets clean. That’s next level messed up.

It’s the sort of thing you expect from a relationship with a manipulative teenager, not a grown woman and mother.

Ot is not normal for someone her age either, I’m younger than her. No way I’d put up with that.

Sorry.

I think it's more to realise if this is an actual threat or if it's going to call her bluff. Alt can't keep second guessing what her motives are and effectively buying stuff he can't really afford atm to keep her, it's not healthy for either of them and something needs to give.

Alternatively, if Alt's wife was to be truly unhappy in the marriage giving her the space to explore her options might well be the grown up thing to do, hard to watch possibly and like Alt said it comes with caveats that he's not bank rolling her hook ups. When she is not looking at counselling I'm not sure what the other alternatives are

The alternative I would be using would be to pack her a bag and send her back to her parents taking all of her bank and credit cards off her at the door as she leaves.

theoretica

From what she says she expects to find on Tinder it seems clear to me she hasn't spent time on the site!

I think talking with her parents sounds a good idea - not as 'I would like to complain about my wife' but as a 'do you have any ideas for how I could help her'.  It seems to me that when doing things as a family she is happy, but at the moment there is so much time she is alone and filling in time on the internet...  One suggestion that might work for you all post lockdown is if she sees her parents a bit more on weekdays leaving some weekend time for just the family.  Also, how flexible can your work week be?  If she has filled a weekend with kiddy football or something could you work that weekend day and take most of a weekday off instead to do something with her?

JGB1955

@alt80 might be interested in this: The 25 most unreliable cars | What Car?
Several of his favourite badges there.....

amanda_p

@alt80 I really feel for you. You have had a really bumpy difficult journey and are coming through it with a wise head on your shoulders. You are making sensible choices and understanding that working to a budget will pay off in the long run. While you are striving to  're evaluate your lifestyle to make it work for your family, your wife is sabotaging every step you take. She should be behind you, supporting you and understanding the long term benefits for all of you. Marriage is a partnership, you work together for the good of your  family. She is obviously not involved in the partnership, she sounds very insular, her life is all around her and her IG people. She is pushing all your buttons to get what she wants, regardless of how you are feeling. 

She should be incredibly proud of you for all you have achieved,and be working with you to make things even better. Unfortunately I think she sees you as a cash machine with no stop button. I would put my foot down on the handbag. £1700 for a handbag is just obscene. I think if you say no, let her rant and rave,tantrum,cry , deep down it might make you feel better to realise that actually a bag of that value is just ridiculous and is completely not value for money and you are right to stop this level of obscene spending.
You may feel uncomfortable, she knows this, that is why you have to be strong. She obviously has no idea of real life and as you say for some people this is a monthly salary that has a mortgage and bills to come out of.
You are doing so well, you need to stay strong, stand up to her and tell her No. Whatever she taunts you with take it at face value, she needs to learn the value of having a hard working husband who provides for her. Let her  sulk and cry and go running to daddy. Although she is supposedly a grown woman treat her as you would a tantruming toddler.

You deserve so much more than this.

strawb_shortcake

RelievedSheff said:

annabanana82 said:

ryanm8655 said:

Encourage his wife and mother of his child to go on tinder? Are you all crazy?

If she’s serious then there’s no future there, move on. I wouldn’t put up with that. Plus you’ve got her messaging the mate she despises and who drags you down offering herself if he gets clean. That’s next level messed up.

It’s the sort of thing you expect from a relationship with a manipulative teenager, not a grown woman and mother.

Ot is not normal for someone her age either, I’m younger than her. No way I’d put up with that.

Sorry.

I think it's more to realise if this is an actual threat or if it's going to call her bluff. Alt can't keep second guessing what her motives are and effectively buying stuff he can't really afford atm to keep her, it's not healthy for either of them and something needs to give.

Alternatively, if Alt's wife was to be truly unhappy in the marriage giving her the space to explore her options might well be the grown up thing to do, hard to watch possibly and like Alt said it comes with caveats that he's not bank rolling her hook ups. When she is not looking at counselling I'm not sure what the other alternatives are

The alternative I would be using would be to pack her a bag and send her back to her parents taking all of her bank and credit cards off her at the door as she leaves.

But I think that's a bit final and probably not what either of them want. 
I don't think Tinder is going to be the happy ever after but if Mrs Alt tries it and gets the reality that we all suspect, it might help speed up that realisation that life is actually pretty rosy and bring them closer to being on the same page. 
But then I guess an action like you've suggest has the same affect? 
I've long thought the FIL is an ally in all this and that's where I'd be turning to now. 

alt80

I'd miscalculated yesterday - today is day 56. 8 weeks been off it. 2 more to go and will have matched my lockdown 1 effort hope to exceed it.

Thanks all, she's not in a good place, I've spent some time with her this afternoon long conversation her telling me all she wants is to be a family together been happy with the weekends we've had recently etc but no trust in me to not go back on the chang when lockdown ends. I know why, don't really blame her tbh. Explained to her the financial situation is actually a lot better than it's been for years and I did used to buy her a lot of stuff but all guilt/ debt driven not good for our family. She's devastated she won't have the same IG presence FML. Her profile is private and she's got about 600 followers, she's no influencer just influenced tbh. Apologised for the whole going on tinder stuff and crying about what she sent to my mate who's only interested in his exMrs he can completely forget any sort of reconciliation ha. Got the counselling tomorrow she's told me she'll join me said that before so not convinced. Idk what's wrong with her, she's telling me all she's ever wanted is to be a 'proper family' me around doing stuff together with son weird thing is all she can come up with is mega cheap stuff like walking/ sports/ watching sports/ films etc all stuff we can do tbh.

RelievedSheff

It is good to get things out in the open like that. Glad you have managed to chat it through like adults should.

Hopefully things will start to sink in for her soon. 

I hope you can both find a happy medium with the spending and the debt repayments. Somewhere in the middle rather than one extreme or the other.

Legs21

If she’s not in a good place then all the more reason for her to join in with the counselling. As others have said she should be praising your efforts for budgeting and staying off the Chang, not saying hurtful and spiteful things to see if you would go back on it. 

I would seriously consider contacting the FIL via text and just ask for help with his daughter. Just say you are trying to be as responsible as you can but need help explaining to the wife that you can’t afford needless spends on high end tat for IG and it’s causing arguments and animosity. You’ve given her a budget for this stuff which is affordable but she just won’t stick to it. If you don’t talk to him he is only getting her side of the story.

58 days. Go you... 😎

alt80

JGB1955 said:

@alt80 might be interested in this: The 25 most unreliable cars | What Car?
Several of his favourite badges there.....

😆 Land Rover always been bad in those surveys.

getmore4less

alt80 said:

I'd miscalculated yesterday - today is day 56. 8 weeks been off it. 2 more to go and will have matched my lockdown 1 effort hope to exceed it.

Thanks all, she's not in a good place, I've spent some time with her this afternoon long conversation her telling me all she wants is to be a family together been happy with the weekends we've had recently etc but no trust in me to not go back on the chang when lockdown ends. I know why, don't really blame her tbh. Explained to her the financial situation is actually a lot better than it's been for years and I did used to buy her a lot of stuff but all guilt/ debt driven not good for our family. She's devastated she won't have the same IG presence FML. Her profile is private and she's got about 600 followers, she's no influencer just influenced tbh. Apologised for the whole going on tinder stuff and crying about what she sent to my mate who's only interested in his exMrs he can completely forget any sort of reconciliation ha. Got the counselling tomorrow she's told me she'll join me said that before so not convinced. Idk what's wrong with her, she's telling me all she's ever wanted is to be a 'proper family' me around doing stuff together with son weird thing is all she can come up with is mega cheap stuff like walking/ sports/ watching sports/ films etc all stuff we can do tbh.

That's a good chat, what it says though is you need to be on the family stuff  no hiding away at the office or in the home office

Home at sensible times, weekends planned out.  it's as much for you and your son as well as being there to deal with the wife.
Seems to go much better when you are there rather than distracted from work 

There is still "she has too much free time" issue to work on, the hobby stuff with real people would be better than IG even if it is just a break even hobby for now, maybe develop that interest in the projects 

Long shot and maybe a bit risky but what about getting her to beef up your social presence for your business and developments. on the sales side some flashy vids to support the unit sales, you could pay a fortune for that sort of stuff,  but if she is free might appeal to her sense of creativity that she loses from no IG stuff.


as pointed excess work time needs planning you are the boss so unless a massive problem with work you decide when the meeting are and the over time, I don't think you have international commitments(like I had) so you can 9-5 just about everything UK time.  need good reasons to be going past 6pm in the week and any time at weekends,  sneak in those extra hours in the mornings if you have to.

The business is doing fine, I suspect a lot better, so play on that, you are better, family is better, business is better, this is the new norm we grow from here.


If all she can come up with for family stuff is cheap that is good, one less problem, also it highlights the buying stuff is just for the IG image and ends up unused after that.

There is scope here for her to enjoy the stuff she has already if it is that important, need  some creative outings but if she is stuck working anything out you need to think about them.

You need to move on from date nights to date days 

I think you mentioned a centre parks trip can you support that trip as something to look forward to and promote as real life not the fake IG life.  while the rest of her family are about, you can date night somewhere nice local to the park.

The trust thing comes with time, you can see your life is better without it from the first lockdown and this one,  that bit in the middle was a mess,  you are going to have bad days we all do  but I would tell her straight,  you messing with my head is not helping, its got to stop and every time she does it tell her again.