First Steps to Solvency

alt80

@RelievedSheff I can't deal with much more of it mate. I know I've hardly helped myself in the past probably 100% deserve it and her going really. I really am trying to get things sorted this time. It's !!!!!! wondering all the time if it's just too late to save things.

I had my suspicions she'd react in this way when I told her the full extent of my financial problems. She took it far too well to begin with then I think it sunk in a bit more, realised our home is 100% safe and doesn't really see the issue or why I want to rein in the spending. It is odd in a way - now best place financially I've been for a lot of years so to her I can see this whole thing probably seems a bit like some big unnecessary punishment. Suppose I've changed - the IG stuff she likes doing I just can't pay for it any longer I see it as a total waste and self destructive bit rich coming from me I know but that's how I see it. Not how I want to live my life anymore and concerned it's going to be bad for son growing up. Tbh a few 'cutting the credit commitment' etc comments from people we do know have made me think too. Don't really want son growing up with that not really the same but both my sister and I can remember the shame of our dad being quite well known for writing bad cheques. Can't say I like the idea of people making comments about me living/ relying on credit. Never used to care but something in my head has switched tbh.

dawnybabes

I had my suspicions she'd react in this way when I told her the full extent of my financial problems. 

It isn’t ‘my financial problems’ you’re a team - she needs to stop scoring home goals and sabotaging it ! 

amanda_p

It is not your financial problems, it is your family's financial problems. She has benefited hugely from the cash coming in and the swanky 5 star holidays. Imagine if she was a really frugal person and hardly spent anything, think how much easier all this would be. She has contributed hugely to your debt and she should now be supporting you to get rid of it.
My personal view is people who are dressed head to toe in designer gear tend to look ,not well off but cheap and flashy. The real style icons are the classic dressers with not a label in sight.

Paspatur

Two words are being used incorrectly here. Chang is an absolute no no. Don't give it a pet name or a nickname it is called cocaine, alcoholics are not allowed to admit their problem and continue to call it 'my little helper' or 'a pick me up' just call it what it is, same goes for drugs. Alt you are doing great on this front. The other misused word is creativity. Taking a selfie or making a video for Instagram crap wearing a frock/jacket/make up and a bag costing thousands paid for by your husband is not creativity it is called being an airhead. To me to suggest this 'creativity' can be used in the business is laughable. Sorry if this sounds harsh as I think you are doing great with ditching the pretend lifestyle but your wife needs to catch up. I am also biased as I hate brands/logos/labels with a vengeance. I once bought a leather handbag I really liked which had a nice pattern on it. When someone pointed out it was the initials of the designer Y S L intertwined into a pattern I got rid of it. I am partially sighted so never worked it out myself. I find clothes/shoes/bags etc. with (sometimes very) visible names abhorrent and crass. Good luck.

ladyholly

Can you point out that if you as a family don't live within you income the debt will increase and then your home could be in danger. Mrs alt does need to engage and not just complain you are so poor!!!!  

alt80

@Legs21 It’s 56 days, not 58 but thanks. 

 

Yeah I hope she will. She’s meant to as part of my substance counselling but has refused. Not her problem etc.

 

She doesn’t like the budget which is part of the problem. She knows she gets the really limited budget until August then what she has left plus £1k until Christmas all I get is her crying it’s not enough.

 

@getmore4less I spend my evening in the office home or comm and she reckons I’m back on the stuff I really am not but no telling her. Not like I haven’t lied to her in the past about it so I do get the no trust thing. Almost think the ‘going on tinder’ stuff is some kind of up yours to me the more I actually think about it tbh I’m getting to the point if we didn’t have a kid I’d probably tell her to go.

 

Not gonna lie I don’t feel like the family stuff all the time. Def still have the work compulsion, wish I could work 24/7 and know it’s not always productive stuff but def better than sat with her on my sofa whilst she watches say yes to the dress for the 2nd hour in a row 100%. She’s not great on the photography / video editing etc. I’m usually roped in for a fair few of her photos and she doesn’t know how to use editing software so if she uses filters it’s just pre done ones on IG – so whilst I like your idea it won’t work. Generally, if I set her up with something to do it has to be planned and supervised. I wind up tidying things up before being able to work out the best way forward for us. She’s not been doing too badly on the holiday deals but two flights already mixed up so I’ll end up going through the lot. Did have her on the budget spreadsheets for a bit but it was a !!!!!! nightmare. She does the food planning but I have to check that through every week.

 

Ha no international commitments for me lol that made me laugh - getting out into Lincoln or Derby is a big day on the travel for me mate. Business is better than its been in years, things really good at the moment. If I was being really disciplined doing a reasonable amount of fee earners and the general business management I could work something like Mon-Thurs 9-5 and Fri 9-12 in a typical week. Just to keep the cogs turning if I cut the fee earners right back I’d be able to get it down to 2 days. The fee earners I do tend to just be money in the pot so win win there. I hate being away from it only bit of life I have. Never finish at 5pm, always usually 6pm earliest more like 7pm most days if I’m doing the family time. She always wants me off from work, similar sorts of conversations tbh and thinks I’m making excuses to get away from being a husband to her and dad to son idk maybe I am.

 

The family stuff isn’t the problem for her it’s the clothes/ bags etc and will be the beauty once that opens again 100% image. 

 

Tbh I’ve told her I can’t do the centre parcs trip. I can’t face it. She’ll go with her parents and son, they’ve done it before and son enjoys it. Will give me my house to myself for once too.

 

@dawnybabes / @amanda_p iswyacf ultimately the problem is mine she’s not going to pay for any of it lol.

 

She doesn’t always buy stuff with big labels etc. Some of it yes other stuff she’s got is subtle tbf but iswym.

 

@Paspatur Thanks. I’m not going to pretend I haven’t thought about it because I have. Exhausted from putting the roadblocks in to keep away from it tbh.

 

Social media could be used tbh although my wife isn’t a whizz on video editing/ photography etc. 

 

@ladyholly I’ve told her she carries on she’s on the prepay which tbh she will be. 

stymied

getmore4less said:

The trust thing comes with time, you can see your life is better without it from the first lockdown and this one,  that bit in the middle was a mess,  you are going to have bad days we all do  but I would tell her straight,  you messing with my head is not helping, its got to stop and every time she does it tell her again.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Keep it calm but just stay on message.

alt80

@stymied probably need to do that until she gets bored rather than losing it tbf.

getmore4less

You need to break the rituals that go with being on the drugs.

Times and places

Evening Home office time seems to be one of those.

If the evening is TV find joint watchables that avoid your individual preferred subjects.

Food programs have a mutual interest at the core that could fill a slot.
Any other crossovers or try something new.

If she is rubbish at the social media tools probably best forgotten.

If not doing centre parks then that is a very high risk situation and needs your free days planning, can you include a positive influence as part of those days.

dawnybabes

Could you compromise and go in to CP on a day pass, your son would love to share some of the memories with you.