First Steps to Solvency

elbree

Yes, well done @alt80 for calling the pros when you were struggling. Exactly the right thing to do. 

the_end_of_the_rainbow

Well done on another day clean.
Definitely record your clean day score on your posts.

dawnybabes

She’s just throwing her toys out if The pram, it’s worked before so she will keep trying it.  I agree def speak to her parents, come at it from the can you give me some advice.  I know her mum said she’d take her shopping when lockdown ends but do they realise what sort of things she wants? 

maddiemay

Another one thinking it would be great if you carry on recording your clean day scores.
Well done on refusing to buy the bag when you had a second chance and for laying it on the line about potential dating, I don't think that she really intends to do it, she must know she has too much to loose, you really need to hold the line now, this level of manipulation is unbelievable.
Keep going @alt80 you really are doing so well, try and believe it.

alt80

Today is Day 56 (not counting alcohol obv in this) though I have resisted the booze tonight too. I'm aware I need to keep away from substances especially so when I'm feeling out of whack myself. Spent a bit of time just listening to my audiobook. I'm not in any state of mind to do anything else. Still listening to Shoe Dog about the founder of Nike and still would recommend it's a good book. 

@warby68 Tbf I think you're right I probably shouldn't have said anything about the card just used it when required/ to book some stuff myself (accounted for and within budget) half think she thinks it's some kind of magic money tree tbh idk. I know where I need to be re the offset onto the new card to meet my 0% deadlines. I won't meet them otherwise unless we do a load of selling and she tells me she's doing that then backs out, tells me she's not paying for my debts etc.

If we can get rid of the BMW May the balance on the purchase will be lower. Bit of a temporary cash flow issue tbh to meet the deadlines and keep within the budget. It's a means to an end not some excuse to spend.

I don't want to 'buy her' I've been there many times over and I'd give anything to have what we have as a family when it's been good these past few months. I know what I've missed out on I've seen it and it breaks me tbh no one wants a future as a family more than I do. It's on her I get she doesn't want to live without the lifestyle. Personally I just can't do it anymore I don't want the same lifestyle going forwards even when I don't owe any money to anyone apart from my res mortgage on the personal side probably could go back to near the levels of lifestyle I had. It's !!!!!! empty thousands on holidays for her IG and tbt there's not enough I can spaff on cars to make up for missing out on my son's childhood. Most days I look at the few photos I've got of me with him all recent all so bittersweet I could laugh or cry. I'm sure as a parent you've got your own regrets everyone I know has mine weigh pretty !!!!!! heavily tbh. Have a laugh about cars etc still want it long term but I'd do anything to turn the clock back and be a better dad. Ran away from the responsibility yesterday again wasn't in a good headspace at all back to the obsessive stuff. Def regret that today but have to take the improvements as a positive rather than focus on the negative - that drives me to the destructive stuff. Wife thinks I've been off it a while I'm cured just a choice thing. Yeah it's a choice thing I know that really difficult to make the right one and fed up begging her to not !!!!!! up the budget. Humiliating for me tbh 100% deserved I'm sure.

@RelievedSheff thanks mate tbh I'm very reluctant to speak to her mum and dad, she's a grown woman ultimately. Her dad would be mortified I know that much he hates badges/ designer/ lifestyle stuff etc. I don't really want to think of her as some kind of child still under the parental thumb that's far too weird on every level. Yeah I know she was a bit young for me when I met her but she was definitely a woman at 20 not like she was some 16 year old girl or something.

@enthusiasticsaver yeah iswym. She's regularly telling me I need to find the money to give her a life. Tbh I can't. I'll give her my £1k, she knows that but the interim I want to keep as is. Just get the July 0%s gone with as little offset debt onto the new 0% as possible. Interim is costed and realistic include the holiday spends as we're realistically going to need to book the Greece trip soon I think to get best value - not using that as an excuse to spend I'm sure and others on here reckon prices will go up as lockdown easing is announced and I can't really leave it until last minute risk disappointing my parents and sister. Well I could but I don't want to - don't think that's unreasonable spending or anything else planned in interim tbh. She sticks with the interim August she can have my £1k plus her spends for the rest of the year I don't think I'm being unreasonable maybe I am idk. Tbh don't think she's even going to walk into some bloke's arms on tinder who's sole purpose will be to keep her wardrobe topped up and buy her a !!!!!! G-Wagen. Had that again tonight she's going to find someone on tinder who'll dress her in head to toe Balmain and buy her a G-Wagen.

@stymied the pros are helping yes thanks. Someone else said tired/ hungry/ stressed all massive triggers. Yeah I'd agree with that.

alt80

@ladyholly idk what her game is but it's wearing !!!!!! thin mate can tell you that.

@elbree thanks I need to keep on the right road I do know that. Too much to lose tbh seen it all probably a bit too late for somethings.

@the_end_of_the_rainbow thank you.

@dawnybabes idk tbh they do know she likes the clothes/ bags/ shoes etc.

@maddiemay thanks. I'm not having her spending money I've earned on dates actually told her it's not in the budget haha that upset her. Suppose it's 'entertainment' idk but I'm not having that. She just thinks they'll fall at her feet and pay the bill. Not a !!!!!! chance. Younger staff I've got from what I gather speaking to them it's a completely different dating scene tbh what she wants was old fashioned when I was dating her and she reckons she's pulling some 25 year old fit rugby playing squaddie tonight. I don't know what squaddie earns enough to buy her a G-Wagen apart from Prince Harry and last time I looked he's very much taken. Probably not feeling the idea of giving Meghan up, !!!!!! off the LA lifestyle and shacking up in NG with her. Have to !!!!!! laugh or I'd properly lose it lol. 

ryanm8655

Saw the comment re: wife hitting on druggy mate and had to fish through to find the context. Honestly, I’d send her packing. No idea why on earth you’ve allowed her to buy another bag. Absolute madness. Seems quite clear she’s a gold digger and petulant child. Send her back to her parents. Personally I’d be doing some planning for divorce and getting things in order. Appreciate you have other fish to fry. But you can do so much better. And if you meet someone who works probably won’t be any worse off with the divorce settlement/maintenance etc.

Well done on remaining substance free.

katsu

@alt80 I hope your wife is just saying dumb stuff. She's not going to find this magical person on tinder or anywhere else. 

Maybe you can talk to her and say that you don't like it when she says those things as they are hurtful.  You are working towards improving your family situation and that looks like you and her and your son spending time together etc, not about dates, splitting up, moving out etc.  

Can you ask her to stop saying mean and hurtful remarks such as "I'm going on tinder"? Maybe ask her what she'd like you to do differently... but tell her the answer can't be earn more money as you are already in top 5 (or 2? I never remember the thresholds) so she's already living a life many people don't achieve through their spouses.

strawb_shortcake

I'd actually be tempted to support her going on tinder, either it's going to call her bluff and it's just a stick to beat you with, or you'll discover that she really does plan on moving on and you plan yours and your Son's future accordingly. 
From what I've heard about online dating she's in for a shock so that might just be the good dose of reality she needs!

I also think the she was young when you met as an excuse is BS, I was 17 when I met my Husband, admittedly I had to grow up quick due to circumstances but you've encouraged and supported her self development the PT the nails etc and she's turned her back on all of it.
Instead she's chosen to try and manipulate, threaten and blackmail you into getting what she wants, and get you further into debt - that really needs to stop, if the roles were reversed then you can only imagine how that would come across in a divorce court! But there's no circumstances in which that is acceptable behaviour from anyone. 

enthusiasticsaver

alt80 said:

Got home found her offer hadn't been accepted - it was an LV on Vestiaire (new dream app for her that is FML). They wanted £1.9k can't really believe she left it but did, decided to ask me !!!!!! knows why but I've told her she either sells some stuff to fund it or forgets it. She didn't expect that now got the she's 'going on tinder' 😆 as soon as lockdown over haha he's 100% welcome to her right now. I'll be honest I've !!!!!! lost it told her that's fine but I'm not paying for her going on dates he pays or she does nails plenty of blokes these days want to go Dutch

Totally agree with making her pay but I wonder how she will sell herself on Tinder given she really only wants a meal ticket. I personally think it is bluster designed to wind you up but it is pretty appalling all the same. Have you told her that unless she cuts out trying to manipulate you into buying her stuff she is going to have a prepay card? Probably not a great idea to tell her about the purchase card. 

The sheer idiocy of spending almost £2k on a handbag she would probably only use occasionally and 100% is for her IG photos is just ridiculous. That is more than some people have to live off for a month or in terms of something maybe she can understand 2 months of school fees or the money that was saved for your holiday to Greece. It is just incredibly poor value. I like my handbags and occasionally get a special one usually for a birthday or Christmas but we are talking a few hundred at most not a few £k. We can easily afford it but I just think it is poor value. How are these prices justified?