First Steps to Solvency

getmore4less

enthusiasticsaver said:

Maybe you should get her what she got you for your birthday?   Nothing!  I am sure that would go down like a lead balloon though and you have to live with her so maybe not. 

RelievedSheff said:

enthusiasticsaver said:

Maybe you should get her what she got you for your birthday?   Nothing!  I am sure that would go down like a lead balloon though and you have to live with her so maybe not. 

A toy G Waggon is what I would get her with a note attached saying if you want a real one go get a job and earn it  

ladyholly said:

For her birthday if I were you I would get her what she got you for Christmas and Valentines day. A small i.e. cheap gift from your son and thats it and tell her if she wants to go the door is open. If she doesnt then get used to the budget and it isnt going to change just to indulge her nonsense re millionaire lifestyle.

I was thinking of going even further with this toy idea

A lego G-Wagon  that the son can give for her birthday and they can build it together
Lego and friends are not that cheap for this sort of stuff.
can't find a Lego one but Mouldking do one might a be a UK source.

The get a job note, nice idea but does not work when gift is from son.

Plenty of G-wagon models from in budget to quite expensive.

Then I found this might be  worth it to send a message there is not a bottomless pot of money

https://www.365games.co.uk/radio-controlled-cars/124-premium-mercedes-g-class-radio-controlled-toy
(scroll down you can get it for £12.99)


For that price you could get 3 and have family races
(I was hoping they had a AM for you, that would have shown you are in this together)

getmore4less

alt80 said:

@Sun_Addict that’s her back up option mate someone ‘made it in business’ and settle down together in Shitcliffe on Trent looking at proper multinational level there FML. I have to try to laugh it off tbh would break me if I start thinking about it too much can’t take the banter ha anyway rant over lol.

I get she’s upset about the way things are re finances etc. We’ve had a fair few years living a lifestyle tbh even prior to my madness we had more a lifestyle than we will have going forwards and she’s starting to see the end of ‘pandemic life’. That’s killing her more than she thought it would I get that and I get it’s down to my financial problems I’ve had to be the one to rein it in. Tbh I was seriously concerned she’d leave me when I told her about my refinance and not really learning from that. She took that all far too well looking back ha. Dread to think where I’d be had the lockdown not happened last year, was going same way as when I refinanced but without the option to do so. The cards were over £55k this time last year only got them down to £40k taking payment holidays from everything during lockdown 1. Would have probably wound up maxing my cards again and refinancing my res home for a stupid rate had covid not happened. Know a res remo couldn’t have been done on a normal rate with the affordability stuff these days but had I been where I fear I could have been I’d have been desperate by now and on my last chance. Carried on from there I actually would have been !!!!!! or might have been already well before had I not been able to get my head together enough to sort the FA on the block so yeah I know how close I’ve come to things being really !!!!!! bad. Wife doesn’t see that one bit, she just sees we have restrictions and much less money day to day. I tell her I’m sorry everyday hope she sees I am trying to make the future better but I can’t change the past no matter how much I wish I could for all sorts of reasons.

I need the substances away from my life. 100 agree with the people/ places/ things stuff it’s true 100%. Just keeping to the one day at a time and know I don’t sort myself out now I possibly never will. I don’t want my son growing up to say his dad had too much of a liking for the chang big motivator there to keep away.

Generally just IG people she speaks to who tbf are people she knows in some capacity. Few girls from the nail course and school meet her for coffee once in a while but obviously not recently. She’s very close to her family parents and siblings. Two of her siblings live closer to parents-in-law and one not too much further away than us. Really close knit always have been, she’s the youngest by a bit and everyone’s little princess haha always has been. Her mum and dad totally different with her than the others. Still fussed around her like a 5 year old until lockdown now quite strict about the childcare bubble that wife cries about probably once a week lol.

That is seriously positive step reflecting on where you could have been without change  rather than where you had been.

A good reminder that where you are is built on previous success and the changes which you can now build on and move forward on the journey where ever it takes you.

Maybe a reminder to the wife where it would have all gone if you both had carried on as you were you are planning for the future as a family maybe ask her "are you with us or not"

enthusiasticsaver

For goodness sake stop saying you are sorry.  No wonder she thinks it is all your fault.  When the cards are gone and the RR balloon is sorted you will have more money in your budget for lifestyle.  Just needs a bit of patience for you both to repay what you borrowed from your future budgets. 

She just sounds like a monumental headache tbh.  I thought my DH was bad enough constantly going out and frittering on hobbie bits and non essential diy stuff/tools when money was very tight but at least if I put the budget in front of him and said if he spent on unnecessary stuff we would have to go on cheaper holidays or less meals out or whatever he understood and would stop. Now we don't have to be so careful I am more relaxed about his spends and we just discuss outgoings/financial plans  on a monthly basis . 

 I am not sure whether she does not understand or only sees things in terms of she can no longer spend what she wants when she wants.  This is the consequences of her having no financial responsibility to either earn or budget for things and from the sound of it never having had to do so. She does sound a bit like a spoiled princess so some of that is on her parents. I just think you constantly blaming yourself for these problems is pointless and almost egging her on to put it all on you.  You may not have been the best husband (who knows) but you cannot constantly berate and self flagellate as that is encouraging her awful comments to you.  The G Wagon and the footballer/rich guy things are just pie in the sky.  She is too old, no ambition or depth from the sound of it and she knows how to push your buttons.  Don't let her. 

ryanm8655

getmore4less said:

enthusiasticsaver said:

Maybe you should get her what she got you for your birthday?   Nothing!  I am sure that would go down like a lead balloon though and you have to live with her so maybe not. 

RelievedSheff said:

enthusiasticsaver said:

Maybe you should get her what she got you for your birthday?   Nothing!  I am sure that would go down like a lead balloon though and you have to live with her so maybe not. 

A toy G Waggon is what I would get her with a note attached saying if you want a real one go get a job and earn it  

ladyholly said:

For her birthday if I were you I would get her what she got you for Christmas and Valentines day. A small i.e. cheap gift from your son and thats it and tell her if she wants to go the door is open. If she doesnt then get used to the budget and it isnt going to change just to indulge her nonsense re millionaire lifestyle.

I was thinking of going even further with this toy idea

A lego G-Wagon  that the son can give for her birthday and they can build it together
Lego and friends are not that cheap for this sort of stuff.
can't find a Lego one but Mouldking do one might a be a UK source.

The get a job note, nice idea but does not work when gift is from son.

Plenty of G-wagon models from in budget to quite expensive.

Then I found this might be  worth it to send a message there is not a bottomless pot of money

https://www.365games.co.uk/radio-controlled-cars/124-premium-mercedes-g-class-radio-controlled-toy
(scroll down you can get it for £12.99)


For that price you could get 3 and have family races
(I was hoping they had a AM for you, that would have shown you are in this together)

I think my goal in life is to find the one who would find this as funny as me and embrace it rather than get in a strop I'm not sure it is the right course of action here though ha. Like the lego idea, might remind her what is most important in life...your son...

Really do admire you keeping a level head, can only imagine what you'll achieve with the business with the new found clarity. Describing you as bad at business is just stupid...She hasn't got a clue. You've done amazingly well to start from nothing and have the vision and drive to get where you are. If it was easy we'd all be doing it. The fact is it isn't. She seems a bit thick and also completely out of touch with the real world. Look how hard she found it getting a couple of stuck up mums to pay her for PT classes or even turn up when it was free...she didn't even have the drive for that, perhaps point out that is a small taste of how difficult it is building a business from nothing, let alone getting near to the top of the tree as you are.

Likewise, this is not all on you. She chooses not to work. The finances are both of your spending. Yes, you let her spend like that but it couldn't go on forever and you are far from poor. That's just about the most ludicrous suggestion I have ever heard. Without you she would be up !!!!!! creek without a paddle.

RelievedSheff

getmore4less said:

enthusiasticsaver said:

Maybe you should get her what she got you for your birthday?   Nothing!  I am sure that would go down like a lead balloon though and you have to live with her so maybe not. 

RelievedSheff said:

enthusiasticsaver said:

Maybe you should get her what she got you for your birthday?   Nothing!  I am sure that would go down like a lead balloon though and you have to live with her so maybe not. 

A toy G Waggon is what I would get her with a note attached saying if you want a real one go get a job and earn it  

ladyholly said:

For her birthday if I were you I would get her what she got you for Christmas and Valentines day. A small i.e. cheap gift from your son and thats it and tell her if she wants to go the door is open. If she doesnt then get used to the budget and it isnt going to change just to indulge her nonsense re millionaire lifestyle.

I was thinking of going even further with this toy idea

A lego G-Wagon  that the son can give for her birthday and they can build it together
Lego and friends are not that cheap for this sort of stuff.
can't find a Lego one but Mouldking do one might a be a UK source.

The get a job note, nice idea but does not work when gift is from son.

Plenty of G-wagon models from in budget to quite expensive.

Then I found this might be  worth it to send a message there is not a bottomless pot of money

https://www.365games.co.uk/radio-controlled-cars/124-premium-mercedes-g-class-radio-controlled-toy
(scroll down you can get it for £12.99)


For that price you could get 3 and have family races
(I was hoping they had a AM for you, that would have shown you are in this together)

That is a brilliant idea. I love it  

getmore4less

The get me something extreme is an attempt to reset your price point do not fall for it.

if the toy car idea is a bit laddish found this(£316).
https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/579915708/mercedes-benz-extremely-miniature

not a recommendation  get this one(£10)
https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/908554831/mercedes-benz-g-class-g550-2015-keyring

Legs21

Call her out on her idle threats. If she threatens to go tell her to pick her bags. She’s got nowhere to go to. She can’t go to parents, she’s not in their bubble. She has no true friends she can stay with, she’s not in their bubble either. Offer her one of your properties and give her maintenance of the equivalent of universal credit. 

dawnybabes

She really needs to realise that it’s not actually all your fault.  You’ve more patience than me - I’d have been having words well before now.  If she doesn’t like the budget she could always do something about it ! 

alt80

Not sure how this works, better nights sleep last night now feeling absolutely whacked?? Mad on the work side not complaining about that though lol. Really hoping I can get the sleep dealt with properly sometime soon - def leads to the cravings etc not letting it win likewise with the anger ha but def feeling the affects of chronic undersleeping. Keeping with the being thankful for sleep had advice and not stressing it too much, first destructive thought I get I’m straight on that chill app ha. 

GP check in today, part of the counselling is cbt - training my brain to move away from the self destructive stuff tbh FML half laugh at myself what I need to bring myself back from ha probably better than being medicated idk that might be easier likewise re depression which I think has probably been more about me !!!!!! my brain with substances on a regular basis not having enough time off to realise the ‘depression’ is more the brain trying to right itself when on a break than anything properly clinical - that fog is slowly and progressively lifting tbh so that’s what I’m putting it down to leave the journals alone though ha. Ups and downs of life but not the crushing think I might want to chuck myself in the river type depression. Do wonder if the odds are stacked against me sometimes with how long the stupid stuff went on for idk just need to keep on giving it my best shot each day. 

!!!!!! hilarious re G-Wagen thanks for giving me a laugh need all those I can get lol might just buy her one she didn’t say what scale she wanted for her birthday tbf ha - she knows I’m not a fan of the German SUVs 100 that’s where this whole thing has come from. Something to !!!!!! me off ha. She hates the fact she now knows I owe money doesn’t just suspect it any longer ha, her whole family thinks being in debt is pretty shameful tbh lol. Having a mortgage is getting on for shameful in their eyes necessary evil type thinking FML haha said before on here they hate BTL, hate it even more when they know the portfolio is financed - just don’t get it ha. Know her dad asks her about my debts. Tbf he’s been alright with me past few months though I still get the odd ‘daughter could do a bit better’ comment every now and again lol. 

I’ve never gone into real details to wife about where it could have gone carrying on as I was. Pretty obvious though def doesn’t take a genius to work out where a !!!!!! tonne of credit card debt, £2.5k/m of car finance, badly thought through development deals and leveraging a portfolio to the max with some on LTV covenants and tonne of PGs leads if one little thing tips it in the wrong direction. Counting my blessings everyday recently that the wake up call happened hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my life tbh but had I not had that wake up call would almost 100 be edging towards the maxing cards stage now had there been no lockdown know that much. Hadn’t got my head together over the block that’d be heading towards the desperation stage too. I’d have ended up losing my home ultimately if I hadn’t got to the stage of seeing there was nothing sustainable about how I was dealing with money, pretty !!!!!! hard to accept that was the road I was going down and could have very easily put my family through that. Wife doesn’t see it - thinks I’ve cleared a fair bit of card debt can get on now thinks I’m obsessing over budget being miserly for the sake of it. Don’t keep a level head this time and move on from living an unsustainable lifestyle I’ll not be ok in 5 years time, won’t have paid my RR balloon off ha won’t have a !!!!!! RR at all probably be lucky to have a roof over my head. Few on here saying not sure how Im keeping level or trying to tbh I know this is my chance to sort my head and get to a better place. Big !!!!!! motivator know I don’t manage it, let things spiral over and over I’m not going to be in a good place at all. I see people struggling to get by, really struggling some of them tenants of mine tbh used to think that could never be me, over leveraged or not, never seemed any real consequences I was untouchable in my head, wouldn’t get caught out. The days I struggled with the self doubt, questioned it I knew how to rid myself of that and it wasn’t getting my head together and sorting out a plan to move forward. Wife never been there, she’s never really had the stress of debt I’ve 100 shielded her from that, still do tbh closest she’s come is me saying she needs to wind the spends into fit the budget. She’s just waiting for me getting back to business as usual buy her some gifts in exchange for my crap behaviour - no way to live for either of us. I can’t do that anymore.

Legs21

I don’t think you really appreciate how far you’ve come since coming off the Chang and booze. It may only be a month but your posts now sound like someone who is level headed, thinking straight and can see life after debt. I honestly believe the longer the debt journey them more you appreciate the things that really matter and material things are a thought out choice. You still have a fair way to go with the money and the mindset but the progress so far is something you should be proud of. You did it all by yourself (with a bit of encouragement from us rowdy lot!). It’s easy for us to throw opinions and decisions around but you have to live with the decisions you make, we can’t live them for you. You seriously need to stop putting yourself down for your past and start seeing how you are now righting all those wrongs. Keep going, there is an end to this and I would consider now is the time that you are truly starting your journey.