First Steps to Solvency

Bargainhunter30

Get her to watch Rich house Poor House on channel 5 and tell her you'll sign you all up to participate if she doesn't change her ways. It'll terrify her!!! A week living in someone's life on the bread line...

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Nothing planned for weekend yet now I know no rugby, asked wife and son for a list by tomorrow. Was looking forward to my weekend too haha. Will come up with something else. Stay on not overdoing the work, just keep to a little bit if I feel like it. Son is on half term too so thinking Friday going to take him out for a decent walk - not much else to do lockdown so a little bit lame maybe but he enjoys walking.

Got a few 0% purchase pre-approvals on the credit record site, so looks like it’s definitely a viable option for me to pay my balances off on time. Coming month is focused on getting rid of the o/d. In a good place with that currently as we’ve spent very little so far this month and only 10 days to go until the budget resets.

Getting into the habit of checking off spends against budget categories - no money left unaccounted for. Actually getting a bit of a buzz from it ha. It’s bizarre for first time in my life feel the personal finances need to work for me, same way I’ve always felt about property and business generally. Not got a stimulant type rush from it ha but a sort of weird satisfaction pulling myself from the chaos.

Day 28 so tomorrow will be into week 4 no substances (not 100% caffeine free admitted ha but nothing past 12pm). Feel better for it in many ways not being wired or getting the racing heart palpitations and not peeing every 45 minutes are big !!!!!! wins not gonna lie ha. Sleep not quite where I expected it to be tbt thought that would be better than it is but definitely seen some improvement. Actually generally enjoying the sober life, probably turned into a boring !!!!!! but at least I don’t feel like my heart is going to make it’s way through my rib cage. Definitely turned into a boring !!!!!! checking my budget everyday haha, no doubt ‘me’ a few months ago would def tell ‘me’ now to have a !!!!!! word with myself lol.

@Nicnak you’re 100% right re trust. Idk often think I’m just waiting for the inevitable- her finding someone else. Almost resigned myself to it tbh and if she does, she does. I can’t carry on as I was and in our case that means she can’t either - I can’t start screwing more money from my business to fund additional stuff for her or for myself for that matter. 

I don’t want to go down the prepaid route. She knows the score with the budget. I’m going to trust she won’t abuse the limit on the card and stick to the budget. She has a copy of the spreadsheet and has kept me in check often at the start but tbh that went by the wayside when she realised after getting her dad going through the whole !!!!!! lot that she was in no danger of losing the roof over her head. 

Yeah I don’t think I’m doing too badly in business tbh good level of profit, mortgages paid, no worries paying staff and a good income left for me. Something I’m quite proud of need something ha, plenty don’t get this far I know and whilst I’m not quite at the level I’d like, I’ll only be saying same if/ when I do get there. No one else to blame for the past few years but lots to look forward to working on growth but in a balanced and sustainable way with realistic targets both for me and for staff. I’ve put a lot into it over the years, even the mad ones. Wife knows 100% hearing from her that she thinks I’m !!!!!! at business hurts. 

@ryanm8655 and there’s me thinking you are her biggest fan and if she’s joined up to tinder you’re there right at this minute sliding straight into the DMs haha.

Don’t think I need to pack her bags, just waiting for the inevitable as I can’t change what I’ve seen re finances etc so I can’t carry on as I was. Just can’t do it anymore, she knows that. I think she’ll probably find someone at some point as I don’t think she wants to live like this. It’s !!!!!! breaking me tbh but so is the alternative. Just need to keep plodding on, get my head sorted, my debts sorted and work towards sustainable growth. No or little madness. Hope she comes round, work on things together.

Universal credit ha just looked that up she’d have £770/m + housing/ Council tax. Know well enough what LHA would get - nowhere she’d want to live can tell you that. After her essential insurance/ utilities etc and food, think she can forget a bottle of Moët and her Starbucks spends, might be able to save up for a 1:24scale G-Wagen over a few months though tbf FML - actually I might get her to have a go at planning a budget on that money ha hope she’ll see things could be a lot worse. Ha makes me feel !!!!!! rich mate lol.

@Legs21 / @Humdinger1 yeah she’s very much stuck age 20, forever young. Draining sometimes tbt. 

@rugbymadfamily/ @enthusiasticsaver/ @Onebrokelady Doesn’t surprise me re footballers post-retirement tbh.

She’s loved IG for a number of years tbh I’ve indulged it holidays etc mainly for her photos. Regret it tbf suppose I see it for what it is and I think it has been quite damaging for her.

She had a day job when I met her - admin assistant at a manufacturing company. Made no secret she wanted to quit, there for over a year in total and last few months were 3 days a week. Tells me it’s just not for her. Tbf she does do a lot around the house/ cars/ my comm office and has helped out with admin but no real sustained job in a workplace. 

You’re not the only one who laughed re her dream bloke must settle in Nottingham trust me and I’m married to her. Honestly believe that’s why her preference is me ‘stepping up’ lol. The majority of the local lads round here make me feel rich and she could go anywhere in the !!!!!! world if she !!!!!! me off, no business ties etc. Tell you 100% the poor guy would be buying his main res home about 1/2 mile from her parents too if she had the final say. Could probably predict it down to 2/3 streets if she 100% had her way on the res home haha. 

@stymied / @ladyholly never seen any of the programmes so don’t quite get the reference lol.

A very level header response. Well done.

Do think there could be something in couples counselling. She definitely has some kind of a screw loose, in the nicest possible way.

RelievedSheff

Have you ever asked her how exactly she plans to meet this "dream guy" that she is fantasising about?

At 30 years old she is hardly going to be top of the tree when it comes to WAG picking!!

getmore4less

Bargainhunter30 said:

Get her to watch Rich house Poor House on channel 5 and tell her you'll sign you all up to participate if she doesn't change her ways. It'll terrify her!!! A week living in someone's life on the bread line...

She would love to try the rich house life.
She is getting fed up living poor house.....

Willowtree222

I agree get more for less. I think she sees herself as living the poor life now. 

Hopefully she does stick to the budget. I actually don't think she wants to leave but uses it as a threat. 

It's hard for us to say about not listening when she says the awful stuff about you being rubbish at business. It isn't true and you can see that. 
Have a lovely day today. 

getmore4less

Fantastic run off the stuff.
Sensible thinking needs these long runs to consolidate into the mind, even a few beers seems to reset the brain backwards undoing any progress, the other stuff is probably worse.

The in depth tracking is essential to understanding where the money goes, over time you can relax the details but will be able to spot the drains if spending goes up.

The wife situation is a tough one.
I suspect as you are the bread winner and ultimately have that control this is her trying to have some control of her own.
Give me more spending or I will...

I tend to be less extreme on these things, tit for tat can escalate quickly which is not helpful.

A lot of the talk is extreme defensive/aggressive(you are rubbish at business) or pure fantasy (I can get a footballer)
Will be difficult to modify while she remains delusional on what real life is like.


There is a danger that she does not change and does not leave, that could be a tough one to deal with long term.

There is scope to get the FIL onboard but you would need be more accommodating to your differences.

alt80

Half decent nights sleep definitely got 6 hours maybe little bit more and no middle of the night wake ups. My mate woke me up calling 6.30am actually blocked him now when my downtime is set on phone could have got a bit more sleep. Been on the chang thinking I want to know everything about a couple of his units that his family have owned for years full !!!!!! history tenants through the ages what a !!!!!! boss he is 100 I’ll sleep better tonight knowing that. FML off it and realise how people are on it !!!!!! selfish ha. Told him I’m keeping away, can’t do it anymore. Massive rant from him that I’m !!!!!! deluded thinking I was anything close to being addicted to it and I’ll be fine. Just trying to get me back into it 100%. Really hope he gets himself sorted tbh still really concerned for him. Feels like it’s all around me never really noticed it or paid too much mind to it before but just another thing, seen it for what it is ha. 

Wife just wants to be treated believes she deserves the best nothing else. Actually have asked her to do the counselling but as she says it’s me with the mental issues, debt and years of sniffing the stuff not her, she’s not wrong. I am concerned how to move forwards if she doesn’t find some else. That’s not what I want but not really sure how she comes to terms with this can see it from her point of view re my financial situation and yeah definitely it’s threats of give me what I want or I will leave. She’s 33 soon on the G-Wagen still this morning for her birthday - I should get rid of the Range Rover for one as I’ve done x y z and always chosen cars. I !!!!!! hate those things and she likes the RR so not happening 100% looking as she knows the BMW is going and I’ve asked her to come up with a list of things to see when we can so far we’ve got the C Coupe and I-Pace. Both agreed nothing from the current BMW range and now she adds a !!!!!! G-Wagen to the list and ‘we should consider it’ getting son on board, he thinks it’s cool so for her that’s it 7 year old made his mind up better find a way ha. Yeah probably not going to walk out straight into a footballer’s arms realistically either ha I am aware enough to realise that and tbh think she is too just grandstanding. Birthday coming up just another occasion for me to get wrong that’s definitely weird used to enjoy the occasions, not anymore.

Agree re the sensible thinking off the substances. Never really realised how much it affected me until I did iyswim. Didn’t realise I live in a !!!!!! mad house either ha.

Sun_Addict

I don’t think your wife has any intentions of leaving you. She’s just using idle threats because she knows it hurts you. The business comments are again because she knows it gets to you. The only type of bloke who would take her on as she is would be a much older sugar daddy, who would be willing to indulge her in exchange for a young bit of arm candy - certainly not a footballer or young bloke, they would want someone with more substance. Best to just walk away when she starts off on one next time, let it fall on deaf ears.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

Half decent nights sleep definitely got 6 hours maybe little bit more and no middle of the night wake ups. My mate woke me up calling 6.30am actually blocked him now when my downtime is set on phone could have got a bit more sleep. Been on the chang thinking I want to know everything about a couple of his units that his family have owned for years full !!!!!! history tenants through the ages what a !!!!!! boss he is 100 I’ll sleep better tonight knowing that. FML off it and realise how people are on it !!!!!! selfish ha. Told him I’m keeping away, can’t do it anymore. Massive rant from him that I’m !!!!!! deluded thinking I was anything close to being addicted to it and I’ll be fine. Just trying to get me back into it 100%. Really hope he gets himself sorted tbh still really concerned for him. Feels like it’s all around me never really noticed it or paid too much mind to it before but just another thing, seen it for what it is ha. 

Wife just wants to be treated believes she deserves the best nothing else. Actually have asked her to do the counselling but as she says it’s me with the mental issues, debt and years of sniffing the stuff not her, she’s not wrong. I am concerned how to move forwards if she doesn’t find some else. That’s not what I want but not really sure how she comes to terms with this can see it from her point of view re my financial situation and yeah definitely it’s threats of give me what I want or I will leave. She’s 33 soon on the G-Wagen still this morning for her birthday - I should get rid of the Range Rover for one as I’ve done x y z and always chosen cars. I !!!!!! hate those things and she likes the RR so not happening 100% looking as she knows the BMW is going and I’ve asked her to come up with a list of things to see when we can so far we’ve got the C Coupe and I-Pace. Both agreed nothing from the current BMW range and now she adds a !!!!!! G-Wagen to the list and ‘we should consider it’ getting son on board, he thinks it’s cool so for her that’s it 7 year old made his mind up better find a way ha. Yeah probably not going to walk out straight into a footballer’s arms realistically either ha I am aware enough to realise that and tbh think she is too just grandstanding. Birthday coming up just another occasion for me to get wrong that’s definitely weird used to enjoy the occasions, not anymore.

Agree re the sensible thinking off the substances. Never really realised how much it affected me until I did iyswim. Didn’t realise I live in a !!!!!! mad house either ha.

If the wife believes she deserves the best just ask her what she believes she has done to deserve the best. She certainly has not earned it. 

Just call her bluff the next time she threatens to leave and pack her a bag, put it by the door and open the door. She will soon realise that she can't manipulate you like she has gotten used to in the past.

It is all mind games that she is playing. Perhaps it is time to play a few back now that you are getting yourself straightened out.

The way she treats you is out of order and needs to be stopped if you are ever going to make a real go of both becoming debt free and having a successful relationship.

I feel sorry for your son in this as well. He is being used as a pawn in her games. He doesn't deserve that and he certainly doesn't need to be growing up thinking this is normal behaviour. It most certainly isn't.

enthusiasticsaver

Wow I am so impressed that you blocked the druggie friend and can now see how that stuff ruins peoples lives.  Whilst I understand your concern make sure you prioritise your mental health first as you cannot help anyone else while you are still sorting yourself out. 28 days clean is brilliant though.  Well done. 

Whilst I am not a fan of the main wage earner (or only wage earner in your case) asserting total control over finances without consultation with the other party in a marriage I do think she lives in a fantasy world and actually does sound delusional. A G Wagon for her birthday.  LOL!!!! This thing about only living a few streets away from her parents too is a little weird given she has a husband and son.  Does she have friends?  Real friends I mean not IG people. I really think she does need some counselling too and I think some of the reason for your mental health problems is her.  She is destroying your self worth by telling you that you are no good at business when you earn in the top 10% of the country, causing you anxiety by making these sorts of financial demands and claiming she could get any rich guy she wants to fund her ridiculous false lifestyle. She is over 30, no independent wealth and very clingy to her parents so I think most guys, rich or not would have a problem with that. She also has a child so not sure where he fits into her dream lifestyle. She may look round one day and realise she has wasted her life, destroyed her relationships and has no means of independently supporting herself.  I am not sure whether to feel sorry for her or just think she is deluded.  Funnily enough I have just listened to a book on audible about a woman just like her called Never Greener by Ruth Jones on a friends recommendation. Whilst the premise is not exactly the same as she is a high earner she is someone who is very egocentric and selfish, only concerned with her own little false world.  The central message being the grass is always greener elsewhere.  A great story about human frailties. Maybe you could get her that for her birthday  LOL.

In all seriousness I am sorry you are having this additional stress to deal with.