First Steps to Solvency

strawb_shortcake

If you are looking for somewhere to volunteer, I can highly recommend Scouting, its something you and your family can benefit from. You don't have to be hands on, there's plenty of roles. 
There is a huge mix of backgrounds and it can be really sociable. 
Between myself/Husband and children we've done camping, kayaking, mountain biking, scuba diving, gliding international travel, fun days, climbing and much more. It hasn't been particularly expensive either. 
There are great transferable skills - perhaps more applicable to your Wife if she decides to work at some point. 
It really is one of the most rewarding things I've done, my confidence has increased enormously through it

alt80

Really ashamed of the amount of money I've spent on the stuff tbh. I've been struggling to log onto the spreadsheet and sort the mess out. Feel really bad for getting as angry as I did over my wife buying the iPad our son tbh. Putting the £750 figure just made me think I've spent equivalent as much per month on blow over past few months as wife spent on a good gift for our son. More than his school this month tbh. FML I’m not going to be a dad who gets my son thrown out of school because I’ve been spending it on the chang. Really ashamed of myself right now. Told wife we couldn't afford that iPad and made a massive fuss over it when I've spent more on blow. Know I need to stop dwelling on it, go to sleep, get up in a better frame of mind and get the finances sorted, move on and use it as motivation not to buy the stuff again. Half think need to tell her tbh but she’s going to be really !!!!!! mad. I wasn't wrong about Christmas she overspent but the iPad was 100 better than what I've been too regularly spending my money on. Think about it rationally and I’ve spent between £80-100k on it over the time I’ve been doing it (lot of years lol), that’s a unit outright. 

theoretica

Yeah - it's horrible stuff.  People aren't against it just because they are boring and against an occasional good feeling. You need to kick it out your life for good to be able to afford the future AM, and I think your wife and son will be much happier with you having an AM than this going on.

ryanm8655

I would try not to dwell too much, I do think it’s useful to think about the opportunity cost...that is a lot of money each month...but more than that it’s those days where you haven’t got the energy or patience to be with the family, make poor business decisions etc. But no need to start revisiting everything you’ve said and done over the past few months, just torturing yourself.

It does make me wonder if doing the stuff is what makes you feel the way you do about everything and always in need of this buzz. Nothing in daily life is going to give you that same buzz as cocaine but it not going to give you the immense low either. The more often you use it the harder it is to get that same high as it takes a couple of weeks to restore your natural dopamine levels after a heavy session, so you end up taking more and more. At the same time it stops you getting pleasure from everything else in life too as you are so depleted of dopamine, hence the depression. It’s a strange metaphor for debt in a way, essentially when you do it you’re removing pleasure from your future self for more of a high in the short term. But in the long run you’re worse off and that is without getting into the longer term health impacts of longterm, regular use.

Not meaning to put you on a downer, just think it’s important to be aware of the science as it might change your perspective on it. 

I don’t know how much it costs up there but down here £750 is a lot of blow a month. No wonder you’re struggling dude. I reckon that with a month off it you’ll feel like a different person...even a couple of weeks...seek whatever help you need to do that and I’m sure you’ll suddenly find pleasure in life again.

RelievedSheff

It's a fresh new week. Try not to dwell on stuff you can't change and look forward to the future.

Hope you have a great week.

warby68

Morning @alt80
Telling the truth about the extent of the coke problem and the cost of it renders an awful lot of your diary null and void - no point revisiting everything when there has been a giant elephant in the room affecting it all - money, health and 100% your perspective and mood.
So much makes sense now.
Your wife's struggles as well - trying but knocked back by this all the time.
You seeming to be  2 different people
Now the No1 demon is up front and centre what can we do to encourage you to get help to get clean?
If you are serious about tackling this, then I have a feeling all the other stuff will just follow on quite easily as it already makes perfect sense to you when you've been in a more sober phase.
Most of the advice you have already still stands. Its just that addiction jumps straight to the top of the queue for the thing to deal with whereas, so far, you've put it to the bottom and hidden it away.
Most aspects of your life probably need to go into a kind of 'holding pattern',  so you can focus on this for a while. You already have a budget, plans for the business and ideas for better family life so the foundations are there for you to do this.
Stay away from the people and situations that tempt you for a start. Stay close to the people and situations that steer you away. 
I don't think this will be easy, but I 100% think it will be worth it. 

Wishing you a much better week than last

getmore4less

There are some core things that make the debt busting work

You have to be honest with yourself and other,  people help better when they have the full picture.

The SOA(budget) needs to reflect reality you cannot prioritise where your money goes if you don't have it all in the budget.

From what you have said there is some serious denial over this extra significant spend.


One other thing that I think you need to think about is the business personal split.

Taking the current £8kpm,  you need to keep the budget for that separate from business that £8k is your money to prioritise for the family stuff  avoid thinking things like if the wife stops spending that's another unit, this money is not for that its for the family.

You need to manage/plan it as if it was a business with proper thorough analysis and prioritisation.


If the business can't afford to let you have £8kpm for the family cut it. 
I think there were other changes that means it costs the company less to give you that £8k so probably does not need to be cut.
The business goal is to make sure it can still afford that £8k and grow enough to afford more.

alt80

Managed to get some sleep. Not doing well on that front right now. Need to get it together, back to it. Had my diary sorted for me this week, manageable, no jobs turned down and time to work on business without it creeping into the evenings. Maybe need to let go and have secretary do it every week. Starting to come to the conclusion the hours I’ve spent working over the years probably unsustainable for me. Wish it wasn’t that way and could power through. Used the stuff to get through on too many occasions. Tbh things all started going a bit pear shaped when it stopped being a solely weekend thing. Spent a few years lying to myself about how much I was using. 

@theoretica it is horrible stuff. Fun on a night out 100% but not where I’ve been with it. Tell myself every time it’s the last when I’m feeling like death. Have been suicidal in the past on the comedown. 

Wife hates it. Chooses to ignore it mainly. I convince myself she doesn’t know. Convince myself when I’m on it no one else knows and I feel amazing well until the crash into the !!!!!! abyss. 

@ryanm8655 yeah it’s not great mate. I’ve actually been reading about it myself too. Always managed to ignore what it really does before. Not been in a good place trying to tell myself it’s the stuff and not just how I am re depression etc. My GP knew about the stuff wouldn’t give me the sleeping pills. One night spent the whole night on the chang trying to see if nhs can get private record and vice versa. I’m a !!!!!! idiot I know.

Worst thing the more I dwell on it the more I want it escape the !!!!!! feeling that only seems to go away with using. Tbh I think you’re right about having a month off and I’ll feel different. Happened in lockdown 1. Enjoying being with my family etc eye on something other than chasing some sort of buzz. Only went back on it because my mate I was meant to be doing the JV with turned up at my house 1st June. 

@RelievedSheff thanks mate. You too. 

enthusiasticsaver

I think the demon for you is the substance abuse rather than a spending addiction or self worth problem. Initially I thought it was a one off recreational thing but so many of your posts make sense now and the fact you have spent as much as £3k over a few months indicates this is more of a problem than the spending. Start by cutting some of the bad influences out of your life like the JV guy. I think you will need a support group though who are specialised in this area. Your wife knows undoubtedly as even we can tell on here when your posts sound manic presumably when you are high or coming down off one. 

I hope you kick this awful awful habit for your family and yourself. Please get some help. 

alt80

@warby68 tbh writing this has made me think more about the stuff than I had ever before. I 100 know when I’ve been on it looking back. Worried me tbh that it was obvious in the ‘real world’ iyswim maybe just paranoid ha. Been a bit more than a fun thing for about 4/5 years if I’m truthful. Buy !!!!!! stupid stuff on it sometimes like a massive development block that I did the absolute minimum due diligence on and came back to bite me. That sent me on a massive spiral. 

Never really thought mate I was meant to be doing the JV with was a problem, long time thought he was my best mate but 100 I lost everything he wouldn’t be around and all he wants to do is get !!!!!! up. He thinks I’m enough of a scummer as it is without my finances getting worse. He was the one making the ‘jokes’ about my sport getting on in years all must be hard to be in my ‘position’. Money no problem for him, I’ve chased it for years worked like a !!!!!! just to get a taste of what he’s got. Not even !!!!!! close lives in a c£2m place up in the Derbyshire Dales, garage and portfolio beyond my wildest dreams. Never going to be good enough against that.

@getmore4less Yeah I’ve tried to pretend the spend doesn’t exist. Sounds contrary to saying I’m serious about sorting the debts I know. I am serious about sorting the debts, everything else fully accounted for. 

I hear you on business/ personal split. Reason I obsess over it is I feel I need to pay the business back for the lost units. 

Income has been dealt with by my accountant. I don’t trust myself with it, never have. Had it been left to me I’m fairly sure I probably wouldn’t have a business would have screwed the lot.