First Steps to Solvency

getmore4less

When it comes to food !!!!!!  I turn to extreme eating on youtube.
Beardmeatsfood 
Strictly Dumpling

Also been checking out the best seafood buffets in Asia if we ever get to travel again.

alt80

Let my life be ruled by addiction and having no self worth I think. Bad night with waking up nightmares etc. Never put two and two together with that but it’s when I’ve been doing the stuff. Was using it quite heavily last week basically in withdrawal from it. No one without a problem craves it as much as I do know that really. My dad always used to say there’s no lower than a drug addict always have been a scummer but looks like I’ve become the lowest of the low. Possibly sounds weird but been reading what it does to you - nothing good can tell you that. Everything out of control has been for a while spending/ debts, drugs, obsession over income/ money/ units. Go through the motions with the counselling- feel it’s working on the day but don’t put the effort in between sessions just don’t see how doing small, simple things will help me. This road hasn’t helped me. Said to wife think I need to give it a go run with it. FIL sent me this cringe action for happiness calendar. He’s full of hippy type stuff lol few months ago read it thought are you for real lol tbh I’m going to give it a go nothing to lose really.

Family I have never valued as I should, fleeting moments  I’ve cherished them when things have been rough but expect wife to put all the effort in, don’t give a lot back. It’s weird, I love them, care greatly about them. 100 I push them away because I know I’m a scummer and feel they should have better. Don’t know why she hasn’t left me. I should let her go because I’m a selfish piece of work I want to keep her, same with my son. Know it’d probably be a greater act of love to let her go. Going to cook a roast chicken dinner later, get out with my son and get his school stuff done doesn’t change the fact I’m a !!!!!!, neither does the money or anything else I’ve tried to compensate for the fact I’m a worthless nobody. Get my 7 figure house it won’t change who I am anymore than this house did. Chased money for the wrong reasons tbh thought when I knew I’d made it maybe I wouldn’t be a scummer anymore. Recently turned into if I get my debts paid maybe I’ll have sorted the fact I’m worthless as a person out. Yeah doesn’t really work like that I know. The gobby no mark comment made me laugh the other day tbh know a few but I’m the biggest one. Not really worked for me. Try the reset I think still a selfish enough !!!!!! to want to be ok lol.

Agreed the stuff set me back in business too just starting to realise that. On it think I’m massively productive but not worth that for the risk taking behaviour it brings with it.

Covid- I’ve booked a test. Not been very careful with that today realised not just about me I’ve been putting my family and staff at risk by not taking it as seriously as I should have. Yet another example of me being a !!!!!!.

Willowtree222

I think realisation has hit how big a problem the drugs are.
You're not a scummer, you're someone with difficulties. 
So now you've admitted it to yourself you can make the choice to do something about it 
You also need to work on your self worth too. If you see yourself as nothing then you will continue on the spiral. 
Your wife is with you and is still supporting. You can change things and make from now on count.
We're all still around reading and willing you on.
Hope today is a better day. 

ladyholly

Your wife is there for you your son obviously loves you to bits.  Even your FIL is trying to help you. No one else really matters. You are not a scummer ( horrid word in my opinion). You are as others have said someone who has problems that are affecting your self worth. Working those hours is not productive I think you have used it as a way to avoid reality. You are now beginning to come down from your destructive self and it is tough. Very tough but someone who has built a good business from nothing must have the determination to succeed at anything they put their mind to.
You have a lot of virtual friends here who are rooting for you and want to help and support you. You also need need real friends who can do the same. I know you don't want to go to drug rehab organisations but you might meet someone there who does know the difficulties you have and can help you in real life. (I mean someone who had a drug problem) You also need to fully engage with your counselling. Sorry I sound like an old fashioned school ma'am but please think about it and remember you are not a summer. 

ladyholly

See even my phone doesn't like the word summer. 

alt80

Tbh think I’m on here so much because it seems a better influence than a lot of the people I have left in my life. Lot more balanced etc. Like getting the good advice hope it’ll rub off on me one day ha. Come on here rather than looking at websites to spend money on lol.

Sort of people I mix with on a social basis aren’t the sort I get good advice from most have a few quid but divorced too much blow etc. Only decent mate I’ve got outside of staff is MG dude. Have managed to salvage relationship with a mentor. Another told me he’s wasted enough time on me. I know why but sent me in a spiral tbh !!!!!! crying on the phone lol. JV flat conv guy is a massive cokehead got family money so doesn’t really matter I don’t suppose. Lot of my ‘mates’ are like that. Don’t need to put the hours in etc. Half want to pull out because I know he’ll want to meet up restrictions or not. Depletes my retained and tbh I sort of want to just take a step back from decisions I’ve made on the chang. Reassess things and stick with plans I’ve made when in a better frame of mind.  

getmore4less

Get out of that JV you can't trust yourself and can't trust the partner.

alt80

@getmore4less conclusion I’m coming to mate tbh. Got this block to get done and hall. Finances look a lot better for not bothering with it. 

JV partner won’t be pleased lol but tbh maybe he’s not worth my time either idk. Done a few projects with him, puts no work in. Not lost but always me doing all the work and him with !!!!!! stupid ‘brainwaves’ haha.

warby68

Yep - I lend money for a living. Non-financials are as important as financials, sometimes more so. The non-financials don't stack up on the JV so don't do it. At the very least, background here suggests you are wanted for the hard work you will put in compared to other partner. You have enough to do.

alt80

@warby68 yeah know what you mean. Been there before a few times. Actually had some great JVs too tbh so not all bad, not with this guy though. Sometimes I think he gets into projects just for a meet up during the week lol.

Re cooking - yes both wife and I enjoy cooking. Both enjoy eating tbh if she didn’t do the tracking etc probably both would be massive haha. Looking forward to it later. 🙂

@getmore4less if you like seafood and still anywhere close to the East Midlands there’s an amazing sushi place in Derby. Not that I’d normally advocate anyone taking a trip to Derby lol but that is 100% worth it.