First Steps to Solvency

alt80

Honestly what I want is business on fire, good place with the family, lots of units, 7 figure res home, AM on the drive, only debt on units/ res home. No more self destructive stuff. Who doesn’t want that?

Going for balance feels like it jeopardises that above. Longer I owe money for stupid stuff, longer this !!!!!! cycle carries on. 

Not gonna lie that’s my worry re spending and the rest just can’t keep away from it. 

Yes got the counselling etc in place sometimes feel like I’m going to smash it no problem, moving on. Others just seems a colossal waste of my and their time. Feel low - self indulgence 100%. Hate myself for it but don’t learn.

RelievedSheff

You will get there. Rome wasn't built in a day. Dont beat yourself up about what can't be changed. 

Take each day as it comes and focus on the small goals to start with. The rest will slot into place.

It does get easier. 

Purplelady65

Were you working those sort of hours for a long time 75+ hours per week? That’s the equivalent of two full-time jobs plus the stress of it being your own business. There is a lot of evidence that when stress continues for a long period of time and is unaddressed it then develops into depression. Is this what you mean by ‘the mental stuff starting’? 
You have a lot to work through with your mental health and are very impatient for all the debt to be gone so you ‘can start living again’. Maybe try and be a bit kinder to yourself and the people in your life. Maybe don’t put such high expectations on yourself and your wife around the timescales with which you’re going to clear the debt. You are living your life right now - maybe don’t wish the time away. You can never get it back. Try and count your blessings and value what you do have right now rather than dismissing the present. You may look back in the future and regret the time you spent being jealous of other people and always wanting the next thing. You may realise that you had everything you wanted or needed at the time - you just couldn’t see it. 

getmore4less

Balance being talked about is only a small part of the big picture. 

The key is getting the business generating cash flow to share out between debts reduction, growth and living.

Don't forget a big trigger for the mess was over work long hours, burnout. 

Scaling up you can't do everything. 

theoretica

One thing which strikes me is how you used to take more time about decisions - the Sport you talked over with other people and treated with the consideration a significant transaction deserves. The watch you said you went back to the shop several times. Many of the things you regret were done much more rapidly.  Just returning to giving time before you act and not going ahead on them until you have stopped going back and forth between yes and no but have settled definitely on one answer for at least a couple of weeks would help you. Pretty much everything you think about doing - from buying a shirt, booking a holiday, buying a car, falling off the wagon - will still be there later when you are sure it is the thing you want to do.   I imagine there are some property opportunities you will think likely to be lost if you don't act rapidly, but you can decide in advance when you are looking for a project or not and how big and how unusually good - and definitely run the numbers in full and in writing before you make an offer.

TheAble

alt80 said:

Honestly what I want is business on fire, good place with the family, lots of units, 7 figure res home, AM on the drive, only debt on units/ res home. No more self destructive stuff. Who doesn’t want that?

I think this is part of your problem. You still can't see that you already have a great business, home and family. I guarantee you that an AM and a more expensive house won't make you any happier. If you're not happy with pulling in 8 grand a month after tax, plus what you already have, you never will be.
If you could just accept this truth so many of your troubles would be behind you.

alt80

@RelievedSheff I hope so mate. One positive from everyday - no substances at all today. Thanks.

@Purplelady65 About 10/11 years in total working those hours in my own business. Before that I had a full time job in the week and Mon-Thurs evenings working on projects. Friday I’d go out a lot of weeks into Saturday. Sunday spend whole day in bed. If I didn’t go out I’d work on projects all weekend. 

Mental stuff - severe reoccurring panic attacks A&E jobs, not sleeping, depression, not being able to concentrate/ focus. Really bad anxiety. Standing behind doors staring at my wife playing with son feeling I’ll wreck his life being there. Weird stuff like that. Physical symptoms leading me to believe I was very (physically) ill when it was 100 mental. Got so obsessed I had cancer I hacked into my apprentice’s uni account to read medical journals all night, print off the ones I considered relevant and took to the professionals. Laugh about it now but serious at the time. Not done anything quite that strange for a time haha.

Thanks. I’ve started reading the dopamine book again - read it once already but was good for me, made me understand myself a bit more I thought. Always put high expectations on myself, jealous, not always nice to people. All the bad stuff.

@getmore4less sometimes wonder if I’ve lost it altogether ability to make good decisions. Wanted it too bad I think sometimes to be successful in business. You’re 100% right, I tried to do everything know that’s not the way forwards. 

@theoretica thanks. Also interesting post re gluten - I love bread/ biscuits etc. Can relate in someways to that when wife is on a cutting phase FML chicken salad for days on end can 100 relate to walking through bread aisle in Sainsbury’s and getting a massive craving lol been there.

Definitely don’t give things consideration they deserve now. Did back then because I was doing ok but had much less income/ access to credit also felt I had time on my side too. 

@TheAble My counsellor asks me a lot of the time why I feel I need this stuff why where I am isn’t enough etc. I truthfully don’t know. I know I earn ok, a really good income for up here that I’m very thankful for but it’s not enough, never is. Convince myself when I earn x and own y I’ll know I’ve arrived and feeling won’t go. Will be happy/ content etc probably never will thinking like this know that too. 

Savingtomove

Alt I get it.

I want a massive beautiful house, horses and a nice car.  I’d also like to send my two children to private school.  I am working most evenings and weekends.  My health is going down the pan and I’m exhausted and anxious.

I have hopefully secured a new lucrative contract and we were talking about what we would spend the money on.  I really thought hard abs I realised what I want more than anything......time.  

When you look at the first lockdown that is what you had.  Ask yourself if it is really worth it.  That is what I am trying to do.  There was a quote from someone, can’t remember who that said ‘people ignore their health and work to make money then spend all their money on their health’

i think you are self medicating with the coke.  It will just make the highs and lows 100% worse and is probably your biggest issue.  You sounds like a different person when you have taken it.  

Willowtree222

But you are learning. 

You've learnt what you want and don't want. 
You've learnt that the stuff takes you away from where you want to be and you don't want it any more.
You've started doing more with your family and like it.
You've started paying off and learnt you like the buzz of it.

The balance isn't going to stop you being debt free. It might even be a small balance for things like time with your son or wife. Nothing that's going to break the bank but will stop the feeling of being massively restricted. 

When people give up things they're addicted to they often don't just go and give it all up. It takes time to get someone off things and is done slowly. 
Don't forget it is your wife too. It sounds like she also needs something to feel good.

Hope today is a better day. 

Your goals as all achievable. You can have everything you have written down but don't be surprised if you get there and it isn't what you thought it was. You need to be happy with yourself and who you are too. 

Willing you on Alt 

RelievedSheff

Hope you have a good day today.