First Steps to Solvency

strawb_shortcake

I don't think you have to scratch far in any society to find drugs. I always think I'm quite wise to it but always surprised when I hear of someone unexpected participating and even more so when it's in casual work chat - and his girlfriend is a Doctor! 
Alt, I really hope you can access the help you need to get you out the other side, with the right path you have a fantastic future ahead for you and your family 

alt80

Given in today got up at 2pm haha. No coffee or anything else time to reset. One day at a time I know don’t trust myself so not going to go down never doing it again BS. Told wife no promises I’ve not managed to keep to one yet but I’m working on it. Managing to fight the depression going on the chill app as soon as the bad thoughts start know it’s my head trying to recover from the stuff. 40, married and with a kid it’s definitely time to call it a day. Know that. Going to wreck my life and harm my family if I don’t agree there. Don’t like the type of people I’m getting involved with either makes me nervous tbh lol. Deleting / blocking done that many times before recover my phone though tbh also know people who do it that I can’t just delete from my life. My wife hates it always has even when it was just a bit of fun on a night out. Got her head screwed on in that regard lol. I don’t really know if I’m addicted to it or not tbh it’s not like it’s an everyday thing or even close. Lasted almost a month before using again but not done a full month off since May last year. Not had a year off since I started it. Realise how bad that sounds. First time I’ve been entirely truthful about it with counsellor in terms of frequency. Bit of an odd thing maybe but spent some time reading about what it does - not great to read tbh hoping it’ll help to put me off certainly has today. It’s not good tbh not like it’s regulated either.

Agreed re student market. Need to take that step back from everything. Year just consolidating what I have eye on growth but not getting too excited. Sometimes feel addicted to making it in life more than to drugs tbh. 

Had wife showing me what she’s been doing on IG has unfollowed a load of accounts and filled it with different accounts. Fitness/ sport related mainly but off Courtney Black etc ones trying to sell her stuff and making her feel like !!!!!! doing workouts in £20k of Cartier. Pleased for her and told her to keep at it. Feel bad I just assumed she was back on it for different reasons tbh. She’s been doing some pandemic stories lol. DMs on fire from the girls she did the nail course with after putting some mixing cheaper JL own brand clothes with designer stuff on stories for ‘tough times in pandemic’ haha. One of the girls sent wife a DM thought all she wore head to toe Balmain all the time hahaha FML made me laugh clearly thinks I’m made of money. Bit of an ego boost tbh but still see IG for what it is - 100 BS wife has a lot of designer stuff but 100 has some cheaper stuff too lol. Like everyone really. Only had the IG convo with her after I got a message asking everything ok business wise - seen her IG stories recently and probably thought the repo man was on his way idk lol. Just said yeah really good just working on living a bit more sustainably. Got a weird message back about it feeling good to cut the credit commitments essentially. Didn’t even mention being in debt to him. Everyone I’ve told I’m working on living a bit more sustainably seems to automatically jump to it meaning I’m dealing with debt so that one not really working for me. Being a bit paranoid I know but now feel convinced people I know I’ve got some big debts or have read this or something FML. Always had people making debt jokes about me perhaps I just look like someone with a lot of credit commitments or something lol. Need to learn to laugh it off rather than getting angry though. 

Willowtree222

Much more positive post Alt. 
We're all willing you along in the background. 
Your wifes making changes too and the talk you had shows that she is trying too. 
For once you've not made a promise you're not sure you can keep and I think your wife would rather than that then empty promises. 
Hopefully your body will reset quickly to get you back to the better place.

I'm glad you were honest with your counsellor too. They can only help if they know. 

Have you put plans in for the weekend to help? You usually struggle with weekends more. 

alt80

I know she’s trying. She’s not the !!!!!! I sometimes make her out to be likes buying makeup/ clothes and stuff. Doesn’t want a paid job definitely but she does put a lot of effort into our home and is a good mum bit soft on the discipline maybe. I do sometimes use her faults as an excuse know that and not proud of it.

Weekend got some work to do going to do 3/4 hours each day rather than full day. Helping wife cook roast and another 3 course meal tomorrow for dinner. Gives me something to do helping her. She’s keeping an eye on me lol. Watch a few films with son make him the hot chocolate and marshmallows. Dog walk. Don’t really feel like doing much tbh so that’ll do. Range Rover filthy needs a wash if I’m up to it might do it.

theoretica

alt80 said:

Got a weird message back about it feeling good to cut the credit commitments essentially. Didn’t even mention being in debt to him. Everyone I’ve told I’m working on living a bit more sustainably seems to automatically jump to it meaning I’m dealing with debt so that one not really working for me. Being a bit paranoid I know but now feel convinced people I know I’ve got some big debts or have read this or something FML. Always had people making debt jokes about me perhaps I just look like someone with a lot of credit commitments or something lol. Need to learn to laugh it off rather than getting angry though. 

That's the problem with trying to project an image - it's hard work and then you find out people didn't believe you anyway.

getmore4less

alt80 said:

Agreed re student market. Need to take that step back from everything. Year just consolidating what I have eye on growth but not getting too excited. Sometimes feel addicted to making it in life more than to drugs tbh. 

They are linked. You have crossed the boundaries

 recreational->functional->dysfunctional.

you are in the later stage where you are destroying your personal and business life.

 This time it was not a little help to get through the weekend it took you out for a week.

warby68

I think the people in real life probably knew long before you did that you were in a lot of debt. 
It only takes a bit of awareness to match lifestyle to age/profession/family background and decide who's probably stretching and who isn't, never mind the fairly obvious statement in the cars  and a wife on IG in your case.

Very glad to hear you're taking the coke/addiction issue more seriously. Its become obvious over the course of your diary that that's what's doing you the most damage, why there are essentially 2 yous on here at different times. Hope it helps them frame some stronger support or refer you onwards.

getmore4less

Agree with Warby people would have know your image was credit driven.

You need to stop running away from the family into self indulgence when you get a bit down.
Turn to family for the support and distraction.

it was working during lockdown one it can work every weekend.

you are in danger of undoing a lot of the progress with the inlaws as well.

alt80

!!!!!! it. Might as well go from the start be honest about it. Worst that can happen I get some good advice from someone who isn’t a counsellor and whilst they’ve been good for some stuff I’ve actually had some brilliant advice from some people on here too which has really helped. Not drunk but if this doesn’t make a lot of sense it’s been very hard to write. Have been through it in the counselling just never really strung it together.

Life got to the point of being disfunctional has been for a few years. Used to have my head relatively screwed on and was doing well or was for how I see it. Always had some level of debt but I went mad around the time I bought the Jag. Before that had debt and a lifestyle but nothing that got in the way of business. Combination of things started it if I’m honest been through it in the counselling used to work 12 hour days 6 days a week and still work a bit on a Sunday. Not enough staff to cover everything afraid to let go. Had to when the mental stuff started so recruited more staff. Thats one of my better decisions possibly only one in madness. Development block nightmare started. Burnout / stress gave me health issues convinced myself I had cancer. Day I believed them that I didn’t have it after sitting in waiting rooms with people who did have it, I spent £10k in JL on the way home. Remember it like yesterday felt high, no drugs involved. Day after I binned fee earners to buy the Jag. Had regrets three days after I picked it up everyone else in my life thought I’d arrived though so I bought a new BM to go with it few months after. Only new car I’d ever bought before the Jag was my Sport never regretted that had for 10 years and did over 100k miles in it. Was 100 honest it was a big finance commitment remember talking it through with my wife, sister even rang my dad lol Jag I wasn’t the same way about. Didn’t even admit to the wife I’d bought it on finance until 3/4 months in lol. Went !!!!!! mental. Spent £65k on credit cards over a few months combined with the balances I had previous I started to run out of credit available to me. Not all on me some holidays let wife go mental with the shopping too. !!!!!! terrified I’d default on something couldn’t tell wife how bad it was only assets I had to pay it down apart from my res home was the btls. Felt I was going to lose it all anyway through the issues with the block so I refinanced. Always had a decent credit record, saw it starting to go to !!!!!! and needed to sort it. Some on here probably laugh at how I’m ok with debt but terrified of adverse. When I first read sheffs first post on diary could genuinely feel the panic starting not even my life but made me feel sick lol. 

Started using the coke during the week when sleep issues were affecting my productivity and I was feeling low because I daren’t buy units with the development block issues. On it and feel like I am someone knew that from years of using it on nights out. Yeah I know I’m a scummer really, probably always will be don’t need someone to tell me that. Suppose when you feel like !!!!!! about yourself it’s nice not to for a while.

Lockdown 1 was a !!!!!! nightmare when announced but I took every payment holiday going, decided to work on the exercise and help wife out with son. She was struggling with not being able to see her parents I wanted to be a decent dad for once in my life. Don’t know why just took the opportunity. Happiest I’ve been in my life tbh no pressure, no looking at other people’s 7 figure houses angry this is all I’ve managed to achieve. No drugs, time to reset. Wanted to change and it was amazing. Load of money at the end which I cleared off my credit card debts. Right thing for once. Lasted less than a month after the refinance before I had another balance on a card. Less than a month before it started to creep after lockdown 1 too but only by a small amount. Promised myself I’d never use a credit card again after refinancing but didn’t tell wife about the refinance and she wanted to go on holiday not having the cash money to pay for it right then and not cancelling any of the cards the money was available so I booked it on a credit card. After lockdown 1 I vowed I’d pay my credit cards off things started opening up I started buying again not too much to buy so wasn’t creeping up too much just not being paid off. 

Realisation I needed to really get a grip on the debts came when I smashed my fist through the window in my garage last august because someone I know bought his 7 figure res home and I’d already worked out I couldn’t have mine. Had to put the window fix on a credit card too so don’t fail to see the irony there. Didn’t matter a good 1/2 of the money came from his deceased parents estate. He had his dream house and I was still a scummer. 

In-laws have always seen me as a scummer. Her dad was quite high up in social work, mum at home. Left wing but middle class. All wife’s siblings married similar left wing middle class professionals she got me. Met me at the gym, 20 in a really !!!!!! time in her life just quit uni, crap job, no direction. Parents thought I took advantage of that I don’t think I did tbh but I’m everything they hate about the world. Sometimes feel I should let her go would be best for son to grow up in a stable home like my wife did but I’ve never been able to break up with her.

Decided I was 100 clearing the debts on a massive comedown found this forum and thought someone might have some miracle for me lol. Read some posts thinking my income higher than most, my life doesn’t actually look bad, going to be a walk in the park. Get some anonymous advice, smash it and move on. Said before I can’t resist an up yours so when no miracle happened I got angry about it. Already smashed my hand up, wife and I weren’t talking much and was massively off the coke so had little else to do around work than to tell people to !!!!!! online lol. Did see some good advice and well intentioned stuff though so few days on thought !!!!!! it what have I got to lose might actually pay the debts off and sort myself out who knows. Still clinging onto that now lol. Know where losing your house and your business leads. Might seem like my parents have a good life, in a way they do but I know what the last year here did to them and working like a !!!!!! past 70 they both look !!!!!! tbh. They moved from the uk partly because my dad didn’t just owe money to banks and partly because if they were here still they’d have gone from where they lived and worked to the sort of place I’ve bought to let to people who work sometimes, fall back on LHA sometimes. They couldn’t face it neither can I, that’s why I’m still here still trying to sort my debts out. Suppose it’s why I still want to make something of myself stick around hoping I’ll get my head together sort my debt/ life problems. 

Willowtree222

That's your past. 
Now, what do you want your future to look like?
How do you want it to be? If it's debt free and in a better place then keep making the small changes you are.
Importantly, find the balance between having something to live on and debt paying is key to succeeding long term. 
When you quit all unhealthy food you end up on a binge eventually and it's the same with spending. 
I hope it's not the same with drugs and you can just remove it from your life, but I suspect that will be another long process too. 
You have all the support you need around you by the sounds of it. I hope you are able to use it to help you through this.