First Steps to Solvency

Onebrokelady

I recommend the book In The Realm Of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate, he explores addiction in this book whether it's to drugs,money,food,destructive behaviour or anything else you can become addicted to, I have to admit I haven't read the book yet but I did listen to a podcast interview of him talking about addiction in today's society and it was mind blowing, we are all basically addicted to something whether we know it or not, it's a societal problem 

alt80

Will have a look at the books more productive than other stuff thanks. Have been out for walk. Still not feeling well too old for it now I think had a nap lol.

Justified it to myself for years tell my wife ‘I’ve only sniffed it’ FML the amount of times I’ve said that like it’s an excuse. Said it to In-laws once few months back MIL said she couldn’t listen to me anymore and walked out. Never had someone walk out on me on a FaceTime call lol. FIL got a bit mad with me asked me if I think that’s fine. I don’t, not really. I’ve justified a lot of !!!!!! behaviour tbh not even sure how to live a normal life I don’t think. Wife wanted to join tennis club few years back when the mental stuff was really bad I refused thinking it’ll just get in the way in-laws kicked off about that too. Wanted me to make more time for their daughter and grandson I do get that. Always refused to do anything she suggests that isn’t the odd holiday. Lots on here asked me what my interests are outside work basically my interests outside of main business always have revolved around units, driving like a !!!!!! at the weekends and going out when I was younger. Wife got annoyed with me few minutes back, said if she hears the word unit one more time from me today she’ll go mad lol. 

She’d convinced herself I was having an affair few years back when I was obsessed with the medical journals. For a few months on and off I used to do all-nighters at my comm office on the chang one screen open on the journal, one on dictionary. Worked like a !!!!!! on it !!!!!! wired. Laugh now writing that but became a mission for me at the time. Was 100 happier for her to think I was out on the pull tbh. When she found out remember her just saying over and over what the !!!!!! do I know about medicine that a doctor doesn’t - how I ended up on the health anxiety counselling. Tbf that worked just hoping this lot does too and I can let go of the mental stuff and get back to putting the business first.

Someone on here said something about getting away for a month in summer going to Greece probably, had a panic attack and I’m not using that term to describe something else. Thought of being away for that long just massively pushes the anxiety levels. Always working for next thing. Recently any spends I’m working out percentage against a unit and is definitely where the obsession with wife earning some coin has come from. Right now she’s costing me progress or that’s how I see it when I’m in a bad frame of mind. Half of me says I’m looking at the cost and that’s good but half of me just wonders if it’s just another obsession tbh.

Re income felt myself thinking I need to be at top 0.1% maybe will feel like I’ve made it was my initial thought, stress rising annoyed I’m not there. Did the chill app haha. Addicted to sorting my income out sometimes I think. Need to live a bit more really less obsessive generally.

alt80

Downloaded samples of the books thank you. Will get onto them after reading through the other one again first. Read sample then decide whether I’m buying or not. 

Haven’t looked at the numbers today. Helped wife with cooking it helped with taking my mind off the stuff a bit. So !!!!!! tired all I want is a hit, ridiculous I know just starts it all off again so keeping away. Coffee doing nothing really for the sleep lol had a few 3 shots today. Had a weird thought could hit the coke, smash getting all these books read overnight. FML reading books on addiction powered by drugs. That’s me in a !!!!!! nutshell haha. Did go through a phase when I wouldn’t sleep convinced it was wasting my time, time better spent earning money. Spend money I don’t have sometimes as I convince myself it will make me work harder, get to next level. Feeling a bit low on motivation so force next level by really !!!!!! needing the money. 100% mental lol. Genuinely thought this is what’s going on with everyone in a similar position tbh somewhat shocked it’s just my own special level of madness haha.

Dinner was Smoked salmon blinis, sea bass, new potatoes and veg and caramel ice cream. She makes her own ice cream, it’s really nice. At least had some nice food today. Not had a drink, stuck with the elderflower water thing. Started my dry January again lol. Yeah I know it’s cheating but better late than never.

Have tried to do a bit more with son tonight than just watch a film. School have a weekly Lego challenge and weekly photo challenge. Suspect most schools doing something similar with lockdown. Got him to brainstorm ideas for the Lego challenge put that iPad to use lol. I don’t usually get involved in his schooling leave it to wife but he enjoyed it, said I will help him build whatever he decides to make. He was getting frustrated he can’t make three of his choices told him to pick one and to sleep on the big decision, can’t have everything lol. FML feel like such a !!!!!! hypocrite as a parent. Really am !!!!!! at this dad thing. Photo challenge hoping to get that in the bag tomorrow though did sit doing the brainstorming for him on that he can be quite lazy sometimes, annoys me when he doesn’t seem to really want to get things done, concerns me for his future a bit tbh.

enthusiasticsaver

Your dinner sounds lovely and glad you managed some time with your son.  I would not worry about a 7 year old appearing lazy.  They all do what they want at that age so don't think it is any indication they wont be hard workers as they grow into adulthood.  Just asserting their independence.  Now spoiling them is another matter and will definitely lead to an entitled adult but I think that may be more your wife than you no doubt trying to baby him for as long as possible. 

You have got yourself into some sort of obsessive groove with the units and  income but your decisions at the moment don't seem to be balanced or reasoned so I think you should park that for now. Concentrate on getting clean.  

alt80

@enthusiasticsaver thank you. You’re probably right about my son. Def are re wife haha.

I know re obsessing. Can be really bad for that generally, nothing enough etc. Try doing the more chilled stuff and my mind runs away. Really want to look at the numbers work out sorting rest of month out but said I wouldn’t until tomorrow. Need to exercise some self control.

Something that made me think a bit was written on here re not being happy with current income/ what I have probably never going to be happy. Actually drafted a response along the lines of would you be happy and not £10k realised it is part of my problem and the debt tbh just want next level all the time. Ashamed of the burnout, feel I should have been at a point of success before anything like that happened proof I’m a failure. Tried to come up with a number I’d be truly happy with and couldn’t tbh. Never satisfied def on the dopaminergic spectrum I know. Reminds me of my FIL asking me once how much money is enough. I said £20k/m net to shut him up but know in my own mind get there and I’ll want £30k etc. Just seems hopeless.

alt80

Not managed to work today. Just struggling with keeping awake enough, feeling low. That starts the whole cycle of wanting the stuff again. Haven’t been there. Had my wife take my phone off me for most of the day and distracted myself. So !!!!!! angry with myself tbh going down that road again. 

@getmore4less thanks mate. I’ve saved your post it’s much appreciated. Going to look at it properly tomorrow when I run the numbers all being well. 

Purplelady65

About 10/11 years in total working those hours in my own business. Before that I had a full time job in the week and Mon-Thurs evenings working on projects. Friday I’d go out a lot of weeks into Saturday. Sunday spend whole day in bed. If I didn’t go out I’d work on projects all weekend. Mental stuff - severe reoccurring panic attacks A&E jobs, not sleeping, depression, not being able to concentrate/ focus. Really bad anxiety. Standing behind doors staring at my wife playing with son feeling I’ll wreck his life being there. Weird stuff like that. Physical symptoms leading me to believe I was very (physically) ill when it was 100 mental. Got so obsessed I had cancer I hacked into my apprentice’s uni account to read medical journals all night, print off the ones I considered relevant and took to the professionals. Laugh about it now but serious at the time. Not done anything quite that strange for a time haha.

Working 75 + hours per week for 10/11 years I'm not surprised the stress has manifested itself in panic attacks, physical symptoms, depression and anxiety. It's your body's way of telling you it couldn't carry on like you had been doing. Half a day a week is not enough time to rest and recharge your batteries and also do other things besides work. It's not a healthy way to live and would have meant your wife and son wouldn't have seen much of you either. It probably explains why you dread week-ends as you're not used to doing anything other than working.

I know we're in the middle of a lockdown but could you make plans for when lockdown ends to expand your social circle or take up new interests? Do you have other families that you socialise with in normal times or friends from school or uni that you are still in contact with? Could you reach out to the mentors you say you have driven away and hold out an olive branch? Your wife's idea of joining the tennis club sounded a good idea. Do you mean you didn't want to join because time spent at the tennis club could be time spent working and therefore earning money? If you could make yourself busy doing lots of different activities with your wife and son you might find you actually look forward to and enjoy week-ends.

Reading your posts as you’re so desperate for instant highs and buzzes I’ve often wondered whether extreme sports might be an avenue for you? You sound the sort of person who would love skydiving, microlighting, hang gliding or flying in a wing suit! Or maybe a regular trip to Alton Towers would help?

 

Honestly what I want is business on fire, good place with the family, lots of units, 7 figure res home, AM on the drive, only debt on units/ res home. No more self destructive stuff. Who doesn’t want that?

In the list above what about good physical and mental health. Surely that should be the number one priority given your current issues? One thing I’ve noticed with your posts is you seem to think that everyone thinks and wants the same as you. I have no interest in a £1+m house or very expensive cars. If you’d put that you wanted to spend a month in every country in the world travelling around on local buses and trains, seeing amazing sights and meeting fascinating people then that would spark my interest. Everyone is different.

I can understand re you wanting the business to be good and the debts reduced but the other stuff – what difference will it make? Throughout your posts you just sound very unhappy. All the things you’ve flogged yourself so hard for haven’t really brought you happiness and contentment (not in the sense that I’m talking about). Sadly you can’t buy your way to happiness. OPs have  suggested that this overwhelming desire for all these material possessions is linked to low self-esteem. Could you focus on working on and improving your levels of self-worth rather than getting obsessed about paying off the debts and buying more units? I’m attaching a couple of links to common thinking errors (cognitive distortions) that you might find interesting in case you're not aware of them.   

10 Thinking Errors That Will Crush Your Mental Strength | Psychology Today UK

 

common thinking errors - Google Search

getmore4less

Reading through the various recounts of the past.

Your decision making while under the influence, as well as being fairly destructive with relationships and personal spending etc. is setting you backwards in business goals.
Rather than being productive on the path to the next level they are stunting growth.

Old cliché work smarter not harder, throwing hours at it is not helping.

Try another family day, any work time today should be planning the week ahead you need to be setting this up for another good week.

Was thinking about your Covid worries and work related risks, ppe, social distance, ventilation and no surface contact in locations mitigate.   
What about the dealer,  are they operating home delivery or covid save click and collect?  

RelievedSheff

Your meal with the wife sounds lovely. 👌

Hope you have another good day today. I'm sure your son is appreciating the extra time and the wife will be as well.

warby68

Hope you have a nice Sunday

Cooking together seems to work well. Perhaps you could do cookery and food workshops, visits and even holidays when we open up again? I must admit, I find cooking and even just watching others cooking very therapeutic and lots of good memories are to do with the sharing of food. You have that in your family background too. Food !!!!!! on IG is a lot less awful than the materialistic stuff (apart from 'influencers' trying to blag free meals lol).
I hope the admissions regarding the extent of the coke problem give you some sort of breakthough and help focus the counselling and your own thoughts soon. Getting clean has to be the priority, its not the thing to keep sweeping away. 

Enjoy more lego and good food and 'light touch' only on the work/finance planning today - enough to feel prepared, not to start another mind 'spiral'.