First Steps to Solvency

TheAble

I think you're getting too stressy over your debts. Put them in perspective - relative to your income they really are tiny.

alt80

The moment I saw she was back on the IG app a switch flicked and I just wished none of this had ever happened. Go back and start again. Enjoy business/ life leave it there. Not even saying I’d have no debt probably would but not for some of the reasons I have. Last week was amazing decent sleep, good on the business front, really tried to make an effort with her and son. Thought things were going well even with her but she knows I hate weekends at the best of times now I’ve not got a car so seeing her on that app and looking at !!!!!! to buy not helpful one bit. Don’t even think she was going to actually buy not tbh it’s weird like window shopping or something but sets me off anyway. Probably shouldn’t have sat going through statements either tbh I’m not sure what was her spend and what was my spend on her but the exercise 100 confirmed it’s not all mine. Didn’t really sleep well last night just laid in bed wishing I wasn’t stuck with someone who doesn’t want me just wants a meal ticket and someone to !!!!!!. She’s said before she wouldn’t stick with me if I had nothing quite obvious she’s only been supportive because she was afraid the free ticket was going to run out. 

I get the partnership thing, I think that’s what I want at this stage in my life tbh, someone to enjoy life with not just be used as a means to have a lifestyle without putting the work in. Not even blaming her actually I’m blaming myself for not seeing it for what it is. She wants to be romanced like it’s some relationship we’re three months into a relationship going home tonight to some BS three course candlelit ‘date night’, FML we’re ten years married not sure what she doesn’t get tbh lol. I’d rather she got interested in something so we can have a conversation than this fake stuff. Right now I couldn’t care if she was cooking a three course meal for another bloke and !!!!!! him senseless under my roof. If that’s what she needs to do, would just rather she left me out of her stupid plans and let me get on with mine but no she’d rather pretend we’re a pair of teenagers in some fresh relationship rather than work together on sorting the debt out, getting some more units, growing the business. Stuff that if we were a partnership we should be getting on with not her ringing me at the office harassing me about whether I’d like a !!!!!! caramel or a mint ice cream. Honestly if you lived with it you’d want to tell her to go too lol. If she stepped up, wanted to be a part of my life I’d be very happy tbh but 100 not gonna happen she’d rather play stupid games like we’re some new couple in one of the films she likes to watch rather than put business first. 

alt80

@TheAble I am stressed over it. Know I get it cleared ASAP can get on with my life put this behind me. Spent years thinking it wasn’t a big deal, not massive in proportion to income etc but it’s stopping me from getting what I want out of life. I’ve let personal debts halt progress on growing BTL portfolio and I’ve let my business coast. Can’t stop thinking where would I be if I hadn’t done the stupid stuff refinancing etc more effort into growing main business. Found someone who wanted same things in life. Know those years are lost but these aren’t. 

enthusiasticsaver

I think I get where you are coming from.  She has some false reality of life somewhat and whereas the idea of a romantic candlelit dinner is nice it is somewhat spoilt if you are sat opposite someone who is pushing all the wrong buttons at the moment.  Is she trying to make up with you and this is her way of doing it?  I think these romantic chick flicks have a lot to answer for as after 38 years of marriage I cannot remember the last time I cooked a candlelit dinner for my DH and I think he would wonder what was wrong if I did  but those sappy cheesy movies make me feel sick quite honestly

I don't think there is any point going through past statements to see who spent  what as you cannot change that but I am glad you have got out of the mentality that the debt is only down to you.  An honest conversation about the way you move forward without getting angry is needed though rather than you hiding out in your office.  You both need to think of your son too. Honestly it sounds like she does not have enough to do so that would frustrate me too if I was busy and she was constantly interrupting with trivia.  

Even if you had a car at the moment you cannot go anywhere at the moment so best leaving your anger re your f type and just concentrate on living sustainably, paying down the debt and sorting our your marriage.  That along with working should keep you busy but it sounds like it is your wife that needs something to occupy her rather than you.  Perhaps the cooking is giving her something else to focus on rather than her issues over spending and lockdown. The January blues is a thing too so maybe you are both suffering a bit with that.  Maybe as weekends seem to be your nemesis at the moment working on saturday morning may be worth considering so they are not so intense. 

TheAble

alt80 said:

@TheAble I am stressed over it. Know I get it cleared ASAP can get on with my life put this behind me. Spent years thinking it wasn’t a big deal, not massive in proportion to income etc but it’s stopping me from getting what I want out of life. I’ve let personal debts halt progress on growing BTL portfolio and I’ve let my business coast. Can’t stop thinking where would I be if I hadn’t done the stupid stuff refinancing etc more effort into growing main business. Found someone who wanted same things in life. Know those years are lost but these aren’t. 

It will only stop you getting what you want out of life (is it really stopping you?) in the very short term - on your income you can be done with them in 6 months. And you're only 40. In years to come you really will look back on your debts as small beer in the scheme of things.

RelievedSheff

The other half would think something was seriously amiss if he came hope to a candlelight three course meal 🤣🤣🤣

I hope you enjoy your meal. Your wife is obviously putting a lot of effort into cooking the meal. Could this be her way of an apology for the weekends behaviour?

Either way try and enjoy it and let bygones be bygones. 

Purplelady65

A candle lit three course dinner might not be how you want to spend your evening but it is a lovely gesture. Your wife is obviously trying to make an effort and to make dishes that you really like if she’s rung you to see what you prefer.

warby68

Same here with the other half and candlelit dinners, and we'd both be annoyed with constant pestering at work. 
it does sound like an apology though even if she isn't reading the room well,  so hope you manage to enjoy it.
Its a tough time to deal with big maritial issues - lockdown and miserable January with few escapes - but you really need to get talking

Willowtree222

Could you not cook with her? Think you said you enjoy cooking and it might be something to talk about. 
If it's how you really feel then you do have some big decisions in your own head. I agree that counselling might help if you are open to it with both of you to try and find some middle ground. 
Hoping you sort through this. 

alt80

Got some thought to give about the project I put the offer in on. Been given a figure for it now. 

Had an item sell too yesterday that’s now been paid for so extra bonus on the cards hopefully. Someone made an offer on another item seems reasonable but up to wife. 

Re wife. I just don’t think we’re compatible if I’m totally honest. She’s not going to change. I actually love her to pieces just can’t face another 40 years of not being able to talk property with her on any meaningful level and her basically having no interests other than her looks and physique which tbh the conversation is incredibly boring about her body and what some other woman’s body looks like in comparison. I’m not even interested in hers tbh it is what it is but she takes it as there’s something wrong with her. !!!!!! situation all round tbh and no ones fault really.

Does this ‘date night’ BS regularly. Yeah I know she’s only trying shouldn’t be !!!!!! off with her. Particularly annoyed tonight as I had planned to join a LLs zoom catch-up. No chance getting away from her at 8pm for an hour now lol. 

@TheAble not counting my RR balloon or the money I owe myself from refinancing I assume with that time scale? Could off the cards quickly agreed if I was really very strict about monthly budget, possibly in six months or so. Ambitious target is end of this year. If I didn’t need to take so much out of business could leave more retained to buy property with I’m annoyed with that. Mind filled with what ifs how many units have I missed tried to work it out but impossible really to give anything but a hypothetical ballpark. Had deals that have turned into 3 in the past - right place right time type stuff so I can’t really predict accurately where I would have been and how much I’ve lost out on. 

Main thing I can’t get right now for me is another car unless I want to get into further debt and I don’t want to get into debt for another car. 

Feel like the biggest fool ever too now I realise how much time I’ve wasted on stupid lifestyle stuff that’s got me nowhere. Appreciate still wanting the cars is a bit contrary to the above statement but everyone’s got a vice and I fully intend to buy fun cars that will at least remain static  in value or hopefully appreciate a bit no more new ftypes lol. Without the lifestyle 100 I’d be further on in business, more units, have a fun car and wouldn’t have lost favour with some decent people who were better influences in my life than others I will probably lose favour with as soon as lockdown is over leaving me with no one. Wouldn’t be having counselling or battling cravings a lot of the time either. Stressed all the time about giving into what my head wants me to do sometimes 100 I need to abstain from spending and the rest. Hate the temptations. I’d have more time for my son too had I not been so wrapped up in bad lifestyle choices and wouldn’t have any of the regrets there. Definitely ashamed of the way I’ve chosen to live my life which is 100 the reason for my past and present personal debts.