First Steps to Solvency

QueenJess

Hey - I've been following along your diary for a while and you've been doing brilliantly with paying down debts and slowly changing your mindset.  However, I do think you've probably become a bit obsessed with it and your own goals which is probably partly how you are.  You've set a goal and you want to get there ASAP (I do understand that as I am a bit the same).

I mean it will get you there, but it doesn't necessarily change your mindset for life.  It's potentially another extreme and you are at risk of being better off financially, but losing your wife.  If you read back your recent posts, it does sound like both of you are potentially being a bit self-centred and selfish.  You say you don't care what she wants, you just want to pay down the debt and buy an AM.

It feels like there is a complete lack of communication going on.  I'm not sure exactly what is upsetting your wife, although the current lockdowns etc is enough to get to most people.  You should care if she is depressed and upset, even if you think she is being a bit silly.  Both of you should be working together here.  Yes you earn the cash and she stays at home and provides meals, cleaning, childcare etc.  These are both valid "jobs" and nothing wrong with that as long as you are working together.  Just because you earn the money, it doesn't mean you are the only one who decides how it should be spent.  You need to find something that works for both of you so you both know where you stand money wise.  Whether that's a personal spends account, or an agreement you consult each other before buying anything over £X.  Whatever it is, you should both feel like you are contributing to the decisions you are making and have some control.  Don't make all the decisions for her.

I know times are tough for most people right now and debt/finance issues are stressful too.  However, you both need to talk to each other more and try your best to understand each other's view.  You say you would prefer a career orientated person to talk to at home, but if she is truly happy in her SAHM role then this isn't realistic.  Talk to her and try to understand her point of view.  Perhaps she has an immense sense of pride in bringing up your son and keeping the house clean etc.  Ok, that might not be something you would want for yourself, but you must be able to understand that someone could take pride in that.

I guess all I am trying to say is that times are tough and you both need to be more tolerant.  Talk to each other more and understand each other, even if you don't agree.  Living somewhat individually without talking to each other is just going to cause more friction and resentment.  The quicker you work through it the better.  Oh - and don't criticise each other, just be ready to listen and be patient with each other.

theoretica

alt80 said:

Dream for me these days if I were single would be finding a woman with an interesting job or business, own res home, few units and a nice car no interest in romance, makeup, flowers, intimacy or whatever. No desire for kids, no desire to be financially dependent.

That doesn't sound like a wife to me (with you each in your own res homes!) that sounds like you are really in need of a friend or two.  Not a mentor much further on in business or a mentee just starting out, but a peer and maybe not in exactly the same field and definitely squash your need to show off and just be realistic about things.

warby68

@alt80 some of the weekend posts have got the 'anger' in them. Its fully understandable with wife in sabotage mood but its probably not fair. You've changed your goals, she hasn't or at least is struggling with them but fundamentally she's the same. Its probably 12 years' frustration coming out, honing in on the aspects of a trophy/stay at home wife that you don't like and ignoring the benefits.
That's not to say you're wrong overall - finances do have to change for both of you but not sure a 'punishment' type of mindset is right (no car, no nothing, she doesn't deserve it). Its armchair assessment but your wife seems to have big insecurities - she's very insular, needs constant reassurance and treating her badly will only make these worse even if yes, she's greedy and wastes money like no tomorrow. Again, she does need to step up and address her own issues and be more grown up about life but not sure bullying her will achieve anything. Maybe some counselling (even couples counselling if I dare suggest it) might be better - an intermediary to get the real talking going.
I'd say (as I usually do) when your head is a bit mashed, to park the big issues and focus on the day to day stuff (in your case work and your son) which levels you out. Then go back to the bigger personal problems.
If you're going to stay together, you need to get on to roughly the same page, both getting some needs/wants met but perhaps not all. If you don't want to stay together then that has to be tackled properly too.
I agree what you described is not a wife but a peer, a friend, a business confidant - we're not real life but you can chat here if you want to about subjects other than debt. Its going to take a while in lockdown to get much going on this outside the home.
Hope getting back to work evens things out a bit. Don't get me wrong, your wife drives me mad just from the other side of the keyboard without even meeting her,  but your feelings for her are clearly quite mixed and the stuff from the last 3 days doesn't feel like the full picture.
Take care

RelievedSheff

Good Morning all,

It is the start of a new week. Let's hope it is a good one for us all.

alt80

Not an amazing nights sleep but pleased it’s Monday five days until I have to think about another weekend haha. It’s the wife who wants me finishing work at about 6pm tbh. I get it’s a more healthy attitude and tbf worked well last week. Don’t want to make an effort with her of an evening though just for her to get back on the IG stuff anyway no point.

All she wants all the time is effort from me tbh I’ve bought her stuff to shut her up easier to buy her something than deal with the other stuff she wants. Rather she slept in her own room too but she doesn’t think that’s normal sometimes just don’t want her in my bed lol can’t deal with the crying over it. Wish she’d decided to stick with her room long time before the banks see all their money back from me but that doesn’t seem to matter to her anymore. I don’t want the distraction she brings generally tbf I just want to focus on what matters. None of her stupidity. Probably right I don’t really want a wife right now would rather have someone on a similar wavelength I can send home when I’ve had enough lol. No chance of that with her. This morning she’s bothering me with ridiculous over the top breakfast, ‘plans’ for this evening. FML no wonder I don’t want to come home haha.

RelievedSheff

You are both adults. I think you need to sit down and try to iron our your differences. Have a honest and frank conversation with each other about how you see both your relationship with money and with each other playing out over the next few years.

Maybe with feelings out in the open the situation will start to improve again.

Battling with each other is doing neither of you any favours.

enthusiasticsaver

I am not sure buying her stuff is the way to go to shut her up. Obviously your problems run deeper than money though so I won't go there. While I sympathise about the constant crying it is presumably a learned behaviour or she is suffering from depression in which case she needs medical help.  I agree that counselling may be needed for her and both of you as a couple if you cannot find a way to live in harmony.  I admire your focus on clearing the cards and sorting out your finance but I do not think your wife is at the same point yet and it will be nicer for both of you if you took her with you on this journey.  I think you need to keep reiterating why you want the debt gone (and not just to buy an AM) but to get you both a better lifestyle in the future where you do not have to stick so rigidly to a budget. 

I agree that buying new units seems a more productive use of your money than wasting it on make up or whatever it is she wants to spend which is why I think you do need to limit her spending on this.  An allowance is the way to go and teach her about money management then at least you have something to talk about other than property, cars or IG.  Can you not find some middle ground?  Watch a tv programme together a couple of evenings or both read a book and talk about it afterwards and do a workout.  Also emphasise that just because you want some time for yourself that does not mean anything other than lots of us need space especially at the moment.  Lockdown is hard when you cannot go out anywhere and just see your own household.  Lots of couples have different interests, my DH and I included but we manage to find things to ttalk about  that interest us both.  

ladyholly

DH and I have always had different interest but I think the key is neither of us is so self centred that we dont listen to the other about their interests. I think you are both so disengaged with what the other wants, are interested in etc that there is no communication. I see and please forgive the bluntness that in some ways you are both selfish and not really interested in what will make the other happy. It seems as an obsever and only hearing one side that the only thing you have in common is your son and even on him you are not in agreement.I think you both need coumselling as a couple to think where you go from here.

You are both very focused on only one thing, you the business and your wife her looks. Can you not find something that is a shared interest so a line of communication be opened.

alt80

Tbh I think if I sit down with her anytime soon I’ll just tell her to leave my house and don’t think that’s really what I or she wants. Only time I’m interested in what she wants from a relationship is when I’m high and neither she nor I want me on that stuff again. I know why she’s acting up tbh catch 22 for me whether I limit her access to money which tbh is being a bit of a !!!!!! or just let her have the stuff and get a quiet life until the next time. She hardly spends anything if I’m giving her what she wants but when I want to get on with my own life she goes !!!!!! mad with the clothes and makeup unless I buy it. Like it’ll make a difference lol. I’ve sat looking through past card statements 100 I wouldn’t have needed to give up my ftype if she hadn’t been buying stuff or I hadn’t been buying stuff for her. Probably have an AM or my dream house by now. 

Shouldn’t have got involved in the first place I know wish I hadn’t but young, stupid and some shared interests back then. 

Have got obsessed with the debt payments a bit - don’t want this hanging over me and ultimately it’s me that it’s hanging over she could go tomorrow no problem for her. I’d be left with the debts to pay and yeah not all mine when I really look I just allowed her part of it to happen. Blamed myself, spent too long thinking I should be making more to pay for both what I want and what she wants. Don’t like how I’m being with her tbh already called her and apologised for losing it over food order. See it all though every £5 she spends is £5 that I can pay off this debt then towards units/ AM/ new res home or whatever. I know it compounds and money saved as good as money earned iyswim she’s wasting my money. I was also but realised going to spend, it should be on something worthwhile investment or something that’s really wanted. Sure those of you on here get that even if no interest in the stuff that’s really wanted in my life haha. 

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

Tbh I think if I sit down with her anytime soon I’ll just tell her to leave my house and don’t think that’s really what I or she wants. Only time I’m interested in what she wants from a relationship is when I’m high and neither she nor I want me on that stuff again. I know why she’s acting up tbh catch 22 for me whether I limit her access to money which tbh is being a bit of a !!!!!! or just let her have the stuff and get a quiet life until the next time. She hardly spends anything if I’m giving her what she wants but when I want to get on with my own life she goes !!!!!! mad with the clothes and makeup unless I buy it. Like it’ll make a difference lol. I’ve sat looking through past card statements 100 I wouldn’t have needed to give up my ftype if she hadn’t been buying stuff or I hadn’t been buying stuff for her. Probably have an AM or my dream house by now. 

Shouldn’t have got involved in the first place I know wish I hadn’t but young, stupid and some shared interests back then. 

Have got obsessed with the debt payments a bit - don’t want this hanging over me and ultimately it’s me that it’s hanging over she could go tomorrow no problem for her. I’d be left with the debts to pay and yeah not all mine when I really look I just allowed her part of it to happen. Blamed myself, spent too long thinking I should be making more to pay for both what I want and what she wants. Don’t like how I’m being with her tbh already called her and apologised for losing it over food order. See it all though every £5 she spends is £5 that I can pay off this debt then towards units/ AM/ new res home or whatever. I know it compounds and money saved as good as money earned iyswim she’s wasting my money. I was also but realised going to spend, it should be on something worthwhile investment or something that’s really wanted. Sure those of you on here get that even if no interest in the stuff that’s really wanted in my life haha. 

I think this post just highlights how important it is that you sit and talk about things, be that by yourselves at home or with the help of a counsellor. 

It is sad that your relationship has come to this but there is still hope that with a little more understanding of each other needs that you can pull through this rocky patch and build a stronger future relationship together.