First Steps to Solvency

Savingtomove

lildoonbuggy said:

I've been reading this diary for a while, mostly because there's not really much else going on right now, but I feel I have to say something against the amount of wife-bashing going on. It's actually quite sickening as an outsider looking in. Alt has at times proudly broadcast narcissistic and financially controlling behaviour towards his wife and even relatives. He used money to buy and hold affections, and proudly managed what his wife wore, consumed, charged her friends for her hobbies (personal training and nails) and drove. This whole lifestyle charade was curated proudly by alt, and he hid the true extent of his financial deception for years, putting the home of his child at risk. Alt's wife was the one who volunteered to sell her possessions to pay down the first £10k of the debts. She's the one who has been dealing with alt's immature tantrums, drug abuse, violent outbursts and emotional swings including periods of stonewalling and repeated badmouthing of her family. I've read these things with horror and sadness. How isolated this woman must have felt. A woman who is clearly very generous (happy to give services to others for free), loving (towards son, family and even alt), hard working (maintaining house, cars, son's education/extracurricular activities) and committed (has not left alt despite 99 reasons to). She's a woman who has thrown herself at the savings exercise and fought to understand the financial situation her husband worked so hard to conceal. Is she having a blip now? Perhaps, although I'm not sure I entirely believe alt's account as a long suffering, bled-dry husband all of a sudden. If so, it's certainly no worse than alt's repeated rantings about AM's, Bentley's, 7 figure homes and pateks. It is clear the woman is incredibly depressed about the current lockdown situation and seeing her parents, and also hasn't even purchased anything yet. I can tell you right now, a divorce will be much more expensive than a £1k+ online shopping basket. So to revile her for this is not only shortsighted but also contradictory. My advice to alt is if you want to make this marriage work, then you need to start communicating and lose the contempt you so happily dish out about your wife. Maybe focus on bringing her into the journey, if you think you have this budgeting exercise mastered. If not, you should try and see yourself in her actions right now and give her the support you wanted when you resorted to snorting coke, punching holes in walls and driving dangerously on the motorway. I don't deny you have come along way and are doing infinitely better than you were, but to feed your wife to the wolves like this just makes you small. I do hope your son never has to hear these types of things about his mother, how upsetting it would be for him.

I completely agree with this.  You are both on a journey with ups and downs.  You did some blow outs and had to return all the stuff.....and had the odd tantrum from what I remember.

I think it’s worth asking her what is really up.  This will be a outward display of something else that is bothering her.  You have both come really far but there is bound to be the odd blip.

getmore4less

alt80 said:

Wife always made me feel I wasn’t enough, needed to give her a good life to keep her. Probably ought to tell her to !!!!!! now tbh. Love her to pieces but tbh someone made some joke on here about this being what happens to shallow men who marry hot young women for nothing other than physical attraction or something along those lines haha 100. ............

Never said I was a saint but tbh only reason I’m not telling her to !!!!!! right now is she’s got me by the balls. 

I remember back in Sept I summed it up as a trophy wife.
First Steps to Solvency - Page 15 — MoneySavingExpert Forum

I think you have moved on from those days but it will take time to create the new normal.

There may need to be a bit of a compromise from the cold turkey extreme.
Worth persevering for a while yet. 

I suspect your current extreme is being driven by the desire to get that RR balloon in place.
You may have to accept that this could take a little longer and relax the reigns a bit.
LOckdown helps for now no one needs to be buying stuff to look good around  the house

There is still that massive household budget of £600 for 3
that can be trimmed to free up a bit for the wife. 

RelievedSheff

Today is another day and hopefully it will be a better one for you all. 

warby68

I hope so too.
Rome wasn't built in a day comes to mind. 
I have said several times, I don't think the 'cold turkey' approach is sustainable, for either of you. Its just another extreme.
There are other options which might not be 100% money saving but might be marriage saving, if that's what you both want.

alt80

Not a great start to the day massively hungover never drinking again job lol. Ashamed of what I wrote on here late ashamed of drinking at least had nothing else.

Don’t even know what to do with wife. She’s no worse than me know that I’ve been really bad for the spending. 100 I am motivated to get the RR balloon gone in time. I really don’t want to refinance don’t want to have the stupid debts anymore ok with debt that brings me a return. She doesn’t get it. Told her I earn the money and my name on the cards I just don’t want to carry on being in debt any longer.

Briefly contemplated having nothing for myself to give her whatever she wants after debt gone but I can’t just work for her. Still want the nice things in life myself just without the debt. Know where you’re coming from re not going cold turkey etc I just don’t want this drawn out any longer put it behind me and get on with life. 

Meant to be spending day with son but feel like death I !!!!!! hate weekends. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

RelievedSheff

A walk in the fresh air will do the hangover the world of good. 

We have all been there and had the hangover from hell 🤣🤣🤣

Not had one for a while though I must admit. 

warby68

If your son's expecting it get a couple of painkillers and put your game face on. It will be worth it.
Park the deeper thoughts until you feel a bit better.
Lurching between extremes will never be brilliant  - getting to the bottom of what you and wife both want and what is realistically available is a WIP. You might have to concede some ground on the RR to get a workable number out for her. For the record, in my opinion her spending is bonkers buying overpriced stuff that won't get used or worn, far too much for a 7y old  and her sense of entitlement is enormous. However it sounds like its always been that way and you still feel she is not hugely dissimilar to you. So we have to think of ways that might work for you two in particular and not the wider group of typical debt busters. 
I still think more time is the biggest answer at the moment. You are much further ahead than her and still lurching to the extremes a bit and not sticking to certain commitments. She's way behind and also doesn't have the 'ownership' that you do of financial responsibility. You've always known its on you whereas she is being asked to take some responsibility possibly for the very first time.
Hope you manage a good day with your boy 

getmore4less

You don't have to refinance just run the existing debt for longer to free up money for the balloon.

That in turn frees up a bit for day to day

If the work side picks up you can bring the date back again.

The car change and making use of the wife tax breaks should also help.

 Even then the item cost are still going to be out of reach and unnecessary it's just spending to be spending. 
For the wear once stuff it should be looking for second hand or primark/TKM. 

enthusiasticsaver

Sorry you fell off the wagon yesterday alcohol wise and yes it showed on your late night posts  . I think @warby68 makes a good point you are further along in the sorting your finances out journey than your wife and given she does not have to take any personal responsibility for either earning income or repaying the debt that might be why she is so complacent about it although before Christmas she was adamant the debt had to go so she is slightly inconsistent. Maybe the reality of no spending money is sinking in. Stay firm though and I still think personal spends accounts for you both with no credit card for day to day expenditure will help her to manage money better and less stressful for you. It worked with my DH. 

You have set yourself an ambitious target to get to get rid of the credit card debt and save up the RR balloon in 3years is it? The BMW goes back next month doesn't it so that will free up over £500 a month. 

alt80

@RelievedSheff walk is exactly what I need just not what I want ha.

@warby68 I’m 100 not conceding. Absolutely determined to !!!!!! the personal debt off for good. Just want to go to office tbh but probably shouldn’t be a let down on the family side again. 

@getmore4less I am aware that’s an option just not the road I want to go down. Puts my goals back further. As soon as it’s gone I’m working on getting a used AM for cash or offset against units. Longer I let this carry on for stupid !!!!!! like her face/ clothes/ hols etc further away I am from the AM life.

@enthusiasticsaver FML I know haha. Def not drinking again for rest of month ha. She wants it gone when it does affect her also she was worried we were going to lose res home, realised 100 not the case, not even close and probably just thought !!!!!! it then. Only thing she cares about apart from son. Tbh probably all we’d fight over if we did split - no way would I let her have my res home and no way would she want to move out either lol.

Will look into having another current account might work but will mean no rewards basically because she can’t behave fml. Just under 3.5 years for the card/ RR balloon. Going to smash it 100 know that. Every time I see the balance go down a bit feels a bit closer to the AM. BMW going back end next month all being well. She keeps going on about another car told her she can earn it if she wants one. Not being her bank anymore at the expense of me getting an AM.