First Steps to Solvency

alt80

@Nicnak thanks, will do something with son tomorrow, no work. Went to office and helped out for the afternoon so not been home, just finished for the day. Better than doing anything else or getting angry about it tbh and put me in a decent mood.

Kitchen wasn’t put on cards, it and other fittings went on the res mortgage a few years back so doesn’t really factor into the argument tbh.

@getmore4less she’d be out today if she could tbh lol but you’re right ridiculous amount of clothes she doesn’t wear. She doesn’t deal with all the additional risk assessment stuff related to covid/ doesn’t know anyone who’s had it and been admitted to hospital. I only do indirectly tbf people I meet working but am aware of a few people who have got really ill, couple who have died. Might seem like I don’t care - do want to keep business open but am careful on jobs etc. No desire to catch covid or pass it on or get arrested. 

@RelievedSheff not really FILs problem is it lol? Tbh just don’t feel I can stop giving her access to money. I’ve explained and apologised my actions have meant we both need to live to a much more restrictive budget for the next few years. I don’t think she really gets why I’m all in for this right now when there’s plenty of credit left available - just don’t want to go there and tbh I’m not willing to.

@enthusiasticsaver agreed re spending as a leisure activity. Think I’m better working than doing anything else though so don’t really agree there. Probably easier for me to avoid the spending with the work though than it is for her. 

@Onebrokelady I wish she would and I know it’s a month’s wages for a fair number of the population. 

@warby68 I’ve agreed she can spend £350 on whatever she wants. Doesn’t put us behind just won’t mean any extra off the debt. Shouldn’t have really but if that makes her happy and stops further spends. As for what’ll happen if she doesn’t listen, just going to be back to the card balances going up. If you’re talking about it continuing indefinitely and the credit lines running out yeah I know what you’re saying about not having an infinite amount of money.

@vampirotoothus True I’ve not been through the card spends. Fair few things I’ve bought for her tbh I’m not sure I would be able to actually allocate spends in the way you suggest and would take an age but I know what you mean. Yeah not all money I’ve spent on myself.

@ryanm8655 I know what you mean mate though the minute I questioned her spends it all kicked off. She’s fine with me cutting back/ not buying her stuff. Easier to give her something tbh I think.

FML just watched that, 100 doesn’t surprise me. Lot of dodgy stuff/ people in Dubai I know that - she doesn’t, just thinks it’s a holiday for those type of girls, also some people we know very loosely in ‘property’ (more like laundering money for dodgy people tbh). She wants to be in their set no doubt always has just thinks I’m a mug going down the route of slow growth/ other business etc that’s because she doesn’t see there are dodgy people. Personally I’d rather earn less but an honest income fairly risk adverse in that way I suppose.

@theoretica yeah I’d agree with that lol.

RelievedSheff

The father in law could be a great help to you at the minute. It is his daughter who is the problem so yes he can help the situation, more so than you think.

I think cutting her access to money is going to be the eye opener that she needs. Even if only for a short time, a month to start with maybe.

enthusiasticsaver

For the life of me I cannot see why you keep apologising to her and taking all the blame for your debt. It is hilarious she thinks living within a budget is tantamount to financial abuse. She lives in cloud cuckoo land. The only way you might get through to her is to enlist FILs help as it seems she really cares what he thinks but could not care less about your need to live sustainably. Because she splurged over Christmas I thought you were reducing her personal spends. I can understand a few things for your son if needed but no doubt your wife has loads of clothes and can do without. If you don't stand firm with her she will carry on pushing the boundaries.

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

@Nicnak thanks, will do something with son tomorrow, no work. Went to office and helped out for the afternoon so not been home, just finished for the day. Better than doing anything else or getting angry about it tbh and put me in a decent mood.

Kitchen wasn’t put on cards, it and other fittings went on the res mortgage a few years back so doesn’t really factor into the argument tbh.

@getmore4less she’d be out today if she could tbh lol but you’re right ridiculous amount of clothes she doesn’t wear. She doesn’t deal with all the additional risk assessment stuff related to covid/ doesn’t know anyone who’s had it and been admitted to hospital. I only do indirectly tbf people I meet working but am aware of a few people who have got really ill, couple who have died. Might seem like I don’t care - do want to keep business open but am careful on jobs etc. No desire to catch covid or pass it on or get arrested. 

@RelievedSheff not really FILs problem is it lol? Tbh just don’t feel I can stop giving her access to money. I’ve explained and apologised my actions have meant we both need to live to a much more restrictive budget for the next few years. I don’t think she really gets why I’m all in for this right now when there’s plenty of credit left available - just don’t want to go there and tbh I’m not willing to.

@enthusiasticsaver agreed re spending as a leisure activity. Think I’m better working than doing anything else though so don’t really agree there. Probably easier for me to avoid the spending with the work though than it is for her. 

@Onebrokelady I wish she would and I know it’s a month’s wages for a fair number of the population. 

@warby68 I’ve agreed she can spend £350 on whatever she wants. Doesn’t put us behind just won’t mean any extra off the debt. Shouldn’t have really but if that makes her happy and stops further spends. As for what’ll happen if she doesn’t listen, just going to be back to the card balances going up. If you’re talking about it continuing indefinitely and the credit lines running out yeah I know what you’re saying about not having an infinite amount of money.

@vampirotoothus True I’ve not been through the card spends. Fair few things I’ve bought for her tbh I’m not sure I would be able to actually allocate spends in the way you suggest and would take an age but I know what you mean. Yeah not all money I’ve spent on myself.

@ryanm8655 I know what you mean mate though the minute I questioned her spends it all kicked off. She’s fine with me cutting back/ not buying her stuff. Easier to give her something tbh I think.

FML just watched that, 100 doesn’t surprise me. Lot of dodgy stuff/ people in Dubai I know that - she doesn’t, just thinks it’s a holiday for those type of girls, also some people we know very loosely in ‘property’ (more like laundering money for dodgy people tbh). She wants to be in their set no doubt always has just thinks I’m a mug going down the route of slow growth/ other business etc that’s because she doesn’t see there are dodgy people. Personally I’d rather earn less but an honest income fairly risk adverse in that way I suppose.

@theoretica yeah I’d agree with that lol.

You’re definitely not a mug. Another reason she needs to get a job...to realise how hard it is to actually make money...

You’re absolutely right to not be pursuing dodgy money and putting the whole families livelihood at risk.

A mate of mine works in the airline industry (private jets) and takes dodgy backhanders from dodgy Middle Eastern businessmen all the time. Barely works. Spent a year travelling around the world while doing the odd bit of “consultancy” and owns 4 houses. A part of me is envious but then I’d probably be the sort to end up getting caught and charged for fraud/money laundering

alt80

@RelievedSheff not sure my life would be worth living probably wouldn’t stop crying for a month ha. Know where you’re coming from tbf.

@enthusiasticsaver I know what you mean. Wasn’t meant to be spending but now ‘it’s not fair’ etc. So £350 agreed.

@ryanm8655 nothing to be envious of when it’s dodgy money mate. Probably sounds odd coming from me but I’d honestly rather earn £2k/m drive a 20 year old car and live in a run down 2 bed mid-terrace than have everything I could want but it be at the mercy of someone’s dodgy money. I !!!!!! hate that kind of stuff. Not gonna lie I have wondered from time to time if I’m the idiot mainly when the HMRC bill needs to be paid haha but that’s just part of life it what it is.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

@RelievedSheff not sure my life would be worth living probably wouldn’t stop crying for a month ha. Know where you’re coming from tbf.

@enthusiasticsaver I know what you mean. Wasn’t meant to be spending but now ‘it’s not fair’ etc. So £350 agreed.

@ryanm8655 nothing to be envious of when it’s dodgy money mate. Probably sounds odd coming from me but I’d honestly rather earn £2k/m drive a 20 year old car and live in a run down 2 bed mid-terrace than have everything I could want but it be at the mercy of someone’s dodgy money. I !!!!!! hate that kind of stuff. Not gonna lie I have wondered from time to time if I’m the idiot mainly when the HMRC bill needs to be paid haha but that’s just part of life it what it is.

Let her cry. Let her realise she can't carry on as she has been doing. You have to get through to her somehow.

Where is the £350 coming from?

I genuinely hope she is going to find a way to pay that back.

enthusiasticsaver

She is behaving like a child though and the number one rule of dealing with children is set boundaries, be firm and consistent. She has learnt if she cries and whines it is not fair you will give in for an easy life. You are setting yourself up for failure if you let her manipulate you that way. 

RelievedSheff

enthusiasticsaver said:

She is behaving like a child though and the number one rule of dealing with children is set boundaries, be firm and consistent. She has learnt if she cries and whines it is not fair you will give in for an easy life. You are setting yourself up for failure if you let her manipulate you that way. 

Completely agree.

the_end_of_the_rainbow

enthusiasticsaver said:

She is behaving like a child though and the number one rule of dealing with children is set boundaries, be firm and consistent. She has learnt if she cries and whines it is not fair you will give in for an easy life. You are setting yourself up for failure if you let her manipulate you that way. 

Also agree with this. 

From the sounds of it, your wife is as much to blame for the debt as you are. 

ladyholly

Another one to agree with enthusiastic saver. Somewhere along the line she has never grown up. If she wants to spend hours crying, accusing you of finacial abuse (laughable) and blaming you then let her. You have to toughen up. I assume as a business man you wouldnt let people manipulate you in this way so apply the same principle. You both racked up the debt. You have apologised more than once for your part in this, has she done the same. I am afraid that if you dont stop her from behaving in this way you will have a pensioner wife behaving like a spoilt toddler and still have debts you are trying to pay off.

The other thing to consider is if your son is seeing and hearing this nonsense and having large amounts of money spent on him as a child what is going to happen as he grows up or are you prepared to be the bank of Dad paying out for him, and possibly his wife and children for ever more.

I think in the long run it will be less painful to clamp down now that let it drift on for evermore.