First Steps to Solvency

getmore4less

A survey showed that  1/3 of kids know Santa does not exist by the time they are 6 but pretend to make sure they keep getting more presents.

Lack of discussion over a major spend is something that needs to be addressed along with the necessary budget adjustments. 

Willowtree222

When she went out, she went with the intention of spending that money without discussing it. It wasn't a spending blip. She could have discussed it with you prior to going and buying but went behind your back. You did the same, had the guilt, and took it all back. She has refused to do this 
Your son doesn't need to know his value is based on what he has, but who he is. He won't be comparing what model he has, and if he is, he needs out of a class that thinks that is acceptable. 
Merry Christmas. I hope you get through it without any self destructive behaviour. 

Onebrokelady

RelievedSheff said:

There are a lot of people pinning their hopes on 2021 being better than 2020. While I admire their optimism (or is it naivety?) I can’t help but think we are heading into 2021 in a far worse situation than we started 2020. 

I really can't see next year being any better than this year. We will be having another national lock down after Christmas that is for certain. Jury's out as to how long for, but my money is on longer than the last one.

We are fairly confident that our hireboat holiday at Easter will be cancelled as well. Really can't see the situation improving enough to allow holidays before the beginning of March.

You are quite right there, we are going into 2021 in a far worse state than we leave 2020. I have to say I'm not a fan of this government at all and I know some of this is their fault for not acting sooner but a big responsibility rests with the general public who haven't done as they have been told. Instead of sucking it up for a short period of time most people have looked for ways round the rules so they can carry on as normal and doing that has got us into this mess . The government should have acted sooner and the  measures should have been stronger but sadly they relied on Joe public using their common sense,they haven't realised that the majority of them either don't have any or are too selfish to use it 

Onebrokelady

alt80 said:

Wife back bought son the Christmas Eve box all sensible - a box, some treats, a mug for his hot choc and some non Christmas PJs can be worn all year. All fine probably was about £50. She’s also spent £750 on an iPad Air, Apple Pencil and case for it. This is for son. She told me not his fault I’m in debt and he’s asked for an iPad from Santa - I knew that already and felt bad enough about it. We were going to tell him Santa had been very busy this year and needed to give a little extra to children whose families had been more affected by Covid but wife now decided he’s getting his present ‘because lockdown??’ and ‘our son will be only kid at school with an older model’ WTAF - explains the sudden need for the surprise Christmas Eve box tbh. Don’t even know what to say to her tbh don’t want it to get in the way of progress and determined to not go on a rage but thats over £1.1k this month she’s spent in makeup / skincare / iPad. 100 when son opens that FIL will comment about me buying it whilst in debt and sending him to the school etc he’s commented on Christmas gifts before but don’t think I can take it this time. Likewise school according to FIL all on me that decision too. It is what it is need to get myself together try to get through and workout how to sort the figures out, can’t even face spreadsheet though. Keep opening excel and closing it straight after ha.

@RelievedSheff/ @warby68 Cooking and drinking the wine haha as tempting as that is probably a bad combination for me.

@FootyFanDan thanks mate. Not gonna lie I’m concerned about being able to keep my current mindset. Working to a budget is helping me know what I’ve got to work with etc also seeing the balances coming down and realisation it could be extra income producing units. Being more objective generally. Getting out of the spending tomorrow’s money yesterday mindset. Yeah I’ve got plans for when I’m debt free for things I want to save for that aren’t necessarily wise buys. Never going to live an entirely frugal existence it’s just not right for me. I still like the luxuries but maybe think about buying investment pieces that won’t lose money or if they do need to get some value out of them. Genuinely think I’ll be taking my son to uni in current RR get my value from it lol.

@Andyjflet I know what you mean mate I never thought I was particularly taken in by advertising etc but tbh I was for some things. Others I’d buy anyway and I’m ok with that. 

Hope you can still see kids with covid restrictions. 

If your in-laws comment on the iPad you need to point out that it wasn't you who wasted the money on it and that they should take it up with their daughter 

Onebrokelady

alt80 said:

I can’t say I’m happy about the iPad but wife feels he ‘deserves it’ and it’s been a hard year also because ‘new lockdown’. I don’t mind passing mine on to him when I replace it and he writes a lot on Santa list I genuinely don’t even think he remembers tbh. Tried to have a discussion with her not getting angry about it but she just feels he’s not getting much this year and with lockdown wants to treat him. Bought herself a few bits as she knows we aren’t really doing gifts no doubt one was summer Creed Love in White that I was going to buy for her but she refused to let me at the time taking the pee a bit seemed like to me. Few bits of clothing sale tbf and some lingerie ha !!!!!! ha. Totals £1320 not including Christmas Eve box which is accounted for in usual variables. Tells me it shouldn’t even be an issue only is because I’ve put myself in debt - true tbf. Said this evening if I brought in a bigger income wouldn’t be in this position in the first place not sure she’s right about that - I wouldn’t have planned my personal finances any better, know that much. I’ve had to accept I can’t change the past only do the right things for now and plan for the future - can’t go down the road of the regrets getting the better of me again. Can’t go down route of building the debt levels up again either. Don’t like bringing her lifestyle into the mess I’ve caused but can’t do a lot about it now, just need to pay it down work on a degree of sustainability for future. Lots and lots I regret tbh but not going to help anyone me getting self destructive about it which I could very easily do. Been on the chill app about 7 times this afternoon/ evening rather than lose it lol. 

Rather than taking from saved funds, I’ve decided my mileage petrol money can clear it so variable budget drops to £1250 for jan to may. Will pay the card in full as planned when statement issued use current account o/d to keep to budget but that’s interest free anyway. Does at least keep the budget going. Will review when next thing sold. She knows and it’s not fair we won’t be able to live to that etc I’ve just told her it’s tough luck and I’m afraid we’re on the payback. Can’t do it one minute then forget the next. I’m not making her take anything back like I did know she doesn’t want to be humiliated like that.

We both use the Amex for day to day spends and clear the statement amount. All her cards are actually my cards she is an additional cardholder. I had considered lowing the credit limit of the Amex to around £5k. Currently £12k. Cant really be a knob about her spending not like I haven’t done similar plenty of times in the past. 

Santa bringing a stocking of small items - that was my childhood experience too. No less special imo and what sister still does for her children. Sometimes we just had the Santa presents on Christmas Day didn’t really matter tbh. Wife wants son to have the full ‘magic of Christmas’ experience. To her our son knowing toys are bought rather than arrive by sleigh would spoil it. Son asked why they were doing a fundraising event for Christmas at school because Santa will bring the children what they want. Wife told him Santa doesn’t send much to poor children because they are naughty FML. Son now is like why should we give stuff to them if they’re naughty. She said because we don’t know which ones are naughty and which aren’t, son says but Santa knows FML honestly it went on for about an hour. He was screaming about buying some stuff to give to ‘naughty children’ because he wouldn’t get anything if he was naughty. Both wife and I gladly give a bit - she said what she did in panic mode, she’s not a !!!!!! but he thinks it’s unfair these other children are getting ‘rewarded’ for being naughty which I can see from mind of a kid and told everyone at school which got back to wife. She was mortified tbf but !!!!!! nightmare that was. So not the first time Santa has given her a problem to sort out.

I get it re it’s too much to spend we agreed when we did the budget together for 2021 to spend £1k/y on presents. Lot less than previous and wife not happy but told her it’s presents or a holiday her choice. She usually starts buying in summer and doesn’t stop apart from this year. This year stopped September total spend £2.5k shared between Christmas and birthday for him. She likes doing the social media pics big pile under the tree, beauty advent calendar unboxing etc yeah it set me off because I knew I couldn’t buy that for her and she couldn’t do her IG posts about it which I find a bit crass tbh but she enjoys it. She’s massively into IG 100 wants our pile of presents to be biggest on her feed and a lot of the makeup bought to put on the stories feed and for no other reason tbh. Lot not even used but CT is big on there. Probably it’s a bit of an up yours to some of her mum friends/ peers who live more modestly tbh she’s got her own insecurities tbh. 

I don't even have words for this, what an awful thing to say to your son about the children who are less fortunate 😡I was thinking your wife had her head screwed on but nope, apparently it ok to cut back so long as it doesn't affect her and showing off piles of presents on social media is just tacky in the extreme. You shouldn't worry about your son picking up your bad habits you should worry about the things and ideas he is picking up from his mother 

FootyFanDan

I couldn’t have summed it up any better than @enthusiasticsaver did. The message she is sending to your son is such an awful message - that’s before you even get into the total lack of respect towards you she knows ur living to a budget and to spend so much without even consulting you is just ridiculous 

ryanm8655

FootyFanDan said:

I couldn’t have summed it up any better than @enthusiasticsaver did. The message she is sending to your son is such an awful message - that’s before you even get into the total lack of respect towards you she knows ur living to a budget and to spend so much without even consulting you is just ridiculous 

Exactly, not to mention the fact that even if you weren’t clearing debt you can’t afford for her to be spending like that without racking up more debt...

TheAble

I guess I'd just point out that the op has had the benefit of considerable counsel on these forums whereas his missus has not. Changing the habits of the past isn't easy for any of us. It will take time for her also.

alt80

Thanks everyone Christmas Eve sober and been working all day keep out the way apart from a bit of time with son FML haha.

I can make it work so it doesn’t affect getting debt free, just need to live to a more strict variable budget for the coming months. Not what I wanted but it is what it is. Not thrown our holiday money away either, that’s a separate amount. Asked her to discuss with me if she’s going to spend again so we can make it work or decide it doesn’t work. Just told her I’m sorry it’s come to this but I’m trying to sort it now and we need a more sustainable way of life; right now I can’t really do much about the income side but working on that too. Definitely slower to see the rewards can’t just have a good month and screw every penny. Really don’t think she’ll do it again. Said we can probably do £150/m for makeup etc if we’re careful elsewhere but £300/400 bit too much until out of the debt.

Can see where people are coming from re son. She 100 didn’t say the Santa stuff because that’s how she is, she just panicked and always told son if he’s naughty he won’t get presents. My son is very kind to other kids at school had awards for generally being a good kid etc. I don’t really spoil my son, when he’s a bit older if he thinks he’s getting away with doing nothing he’ll be in for a big shock lol. I also don’t let him have whatever he wants if he asks me my answer is often no or I tell him he can chose to bank that one and maybe get something he really does what in exchange for the ones he’s banked through the year. Money doesn’t grow on trees he knows that. Wife is different she thinks I’m a bit miserly with son and likes to treat him, just being a mum tbf. Suppose I treat her to stuff and she treats him.

Re wife: She loves IG but no interest in promoting brands for cash etc she finds that a bit desperate lol. 100 her self esteem suffers because she wants to look unreal forever and there are girls on there younger than her, doing IG better because they’re making money from it; being sent on trips by brands etc but she doesn’t see that, just sees ‘they have the cash’ to fly first class or whatever. Can’t see the business side to it I don’t think. We’ve been on holidays to fuel her IG habit tbh one of the reasons we’ve not visited my parents in a fair few years because I don’t like being away for too long from work, don’t like to be seen to be taking advantage of my position I like my staff to see that I graft and don’t take the !!!!!!. Just how I am with work and she wants to do IG on holiday so we go somewhere a bit ‘better’, spend big and I get in further debt to make her happy. Yeah catch 22 I know. Luxury travel not really my thing tbh given the choice I like to visit places that have a different culture to uk and actually see that part of world but the living it up gives her the photos she wants and probably better for son. 

I’ve questioned it all tbh, others not living the kind of life I have been and I’ve lost good friends and mentors over the lifestyle stuff too, at the end of the line with it personally. Seeing I’ve allowed my business to coast to fuel lifestyle, refinanced property and still not done me any favours just need the next level and the one after getting in debt for it all again it’s just time to give it up for me. Seeing it in black and white that I’ve massively overspent for years on lifestyle stuff, looking at the spreadsheet thinking FML. Always going to buy nice things, I’m always going to be into cars and like living in a nice house. Probably always going to be motivated by more to an extent but I was killing myself for it, neglecting my family, losing friends/ mentors, debt levels getting out of control and stress through the roof turning to other self destructive stuff to feel invincible for a little while. Nothing but idiocy and ego, I know. I’m just done now, want a more sustainable lifestyle, fulfilment from growing business actually achieving something rather than just in for whatever money I can screw and ego trips. Wife is also serious about me getting out of debt because she doesn’t want us to lose what we do have either.

The not working thing, I’d love her to decide she wanted to get a job. Paid for her to do various courses in the hope she’d find a career from it but I’ve given up with it now just accepted working/ business not for her. By all accounts she quit uni because her course was more intense than she thought it would be and too much theory. Does concern me for son a bit I don’t want him growing up to be the sort of man who sees the world in the wife at home way just not how things generally are now I know. Her working I think would change the conversation a bit at home - all she can talk about is fitness/ aesthetic stuff related to fitness/ makeup etc personal image basically find it a bit repetitive/ draining if I’m honest and do escape rather than listen to another round of what CT palette she prefers this week. I’ve always been accused by FIL of making her like that - he’s long been convinced I probably have a roving eye and made her too image conscious he’s wrong she’s been image conscious as long as I’ve known her and tbh I’ve not got the energy for another woman lol one quite enough. She does do a lot at home and about 2 hours a day of fitness stuff so she’s busy tbh that was a big reason she didn’t want to work in the first place she hated her job and felt it was getting in the way of her working on herself knew she could spend more time on it if she looked after the house etc. Back then she was a bit of a part time model around day job then left day job still did some of the modelling nothing serious really but it was toxic for her so I asked her to stop it for her health tbf nothing else. Main reason I really don’t want her doing IG videos/ account for fitness/ makeup or whatever 100 would be toxic for her. She massively compares herself to the 20 year old girls on IG, she’s still getting ID’d and 33 next year, people assuming there’s a bigger age gap than there is between us etc boosts her ego, she plays up to it but knows she needs to carry on working on herself to keep up so the self esteem suffers. People who know us know we’ve been together for years but when she was doing her nail course she started hanging around with some girls a fair bit younger, odd night out apparently turning down 20 year old rugby players/ squaddies etc. Yeah know this sounds like the worst type of humble brag, it’s really not meant like that, just making the point I need to give her something or she’ll get fed up pull some squaddie or go for an old guy with big cash money. Demanding she never spends any money on son and herself, she’s just going to ride lockdown out, start going out and find someone else. 

getmore4less

If you do let slip the wife blew the budget be prepared for the in laws to offer to pay and don't lose it.