First Steps to Solvency

amanda_p

I suggest you get your wife and son to watch a you tube clip of Operation Christmas Child. This will show your son the reality of the 'naughty children' only getting a shoe box with small gifts in and their response to receiving it.

ladyholly

"Wife is serious about me sorting the debts out. "

Sorry but this is not entirely your mess. She need to step up and help sort the debts out . The excuse that she is upset that her Christmas plans have been upset is just that - an excuse. Most of the country is upset at this but not everyone goes out and spends large amounts on stuff they dont need. You have been incredibly good not to lose it over this and shows how far you have come but when you are calmer and she is receptive point out that your debt free date has now slipped because of her foolishness.

enthusiasticsaver

Like others I actually think that the message your wife is trying to give your son will be very damaging to him. You have said he is kind but he is only 7 and threw a hissy fit because the school were trying to raise money for Christmas presents for poor children. You and your wife then reward him with a big Lego set and she gives him some awful story about Santa not giving presents to poor children because they are naughty? !!!!!! and I never swear but that is just beyond the pale, tell that story to your FIL and see his reaction. I think you also need to speak to your counsellor if you feel yourself going down a self destructive path and at the same time get your wife some counselling because her values are seriously skewed. 

Photos of presents on IG to see who has the biggest pile? These are such false values and she sounds very shallow, something you have been accused of in the past too. Stamping her feet over lockdown because she can only see her parents Christmas Day is childish and quite honestly I can see why your sister laughed. She is an adult and supposed to be showing your son an example. The current situation is difficult for all but she has a nice house and a family and can see her parents Christmas Day at least so while she may be disappointed that Christmas will be different that does not mean she can go out and blow £750 on tech for a child when she knows you still have £30k of credit card debt and that is half the next months budget.  Some of us haven't seen some family members for almost a year and you haven't seen your parents in a long time either so allowing her to be upset is one thing. Spending to make her feel better is also understandable but to go so far over budget to effectively spoil him when he hasn't looked after his current one is sending the wrong message IMO. Giving kids everything they  ask for is setting them up for failure as an adult when they realise they have to work for things. 

She sounds spoilt and selfish and I also think you should be less forgiving on this occasion mainly because you asked her to stick to the budget and she went way beyond it without even consulting you. That was a massive "up yours" to you and for me I would be fuming. I get you don't want to rock the boat because of your mental health but excusing her behaviour with she was upset because of lockdown is frankly pathetic. You will not sort your finances out if she is going to sabotage your efforts every time she feels a bit emotional. As I said I would preload a card with grocery money and a small personal allowance for January and make her stick to that. Or tell her to do like the rest of us and get a job. Is she to sit around at home letting you financially support her for the rest of her life? If you separated she would have to whether she liked it or not. Make 2021 a year for her to rethink her life choices as sitting on IG all day doesn't sound like a career choice. 

ryanm8655

enthusiasticsaver said:

Like others I actually think that the message your wife is trying to give your son will be very damaging to him. You have said he is kind but he is only 7 and threw a hissy fit because the school were trying to raise money for Christmas presents for poor children. You and your wife then reward him with a big Lego set and she gives him some awful story about Santa not giving presents to poor children because they are naughty? !!!!!! and I never swear but that is just beyond the pale, tell that story to your FIL and see his reaction. I think you also need to speak to your counsellor if you feel yourself going down a self destructive path and at the same time get your wife some counselling because her values are seriously skewed. 

Photos of presents on IG to see who has the biggest pile? These are such false values and she sounds very shallow, something you have been accused of in the past too. Stamping her feet over lockdown because she can only see her parents Christmas Day is childish and quite honestly I can see why your sister laughed. She is an adult and supposed to be showing your son an example. The current situation is difficult for all but she has a nice house and a family and can see her parents Christmas Day at least so while she may be disappointed that Christmas will be different that does not mean she can go out and blow £750 on tech for a child when she knows you still have £30k of credit card debt and that is half the next months budget.  Some of us haven't seen some family members for almost a year and you haven't seen your parents in a long time either so allowing her to be upset is one thing. Spending to make her feel better is also understandable but to go so far over budget to effectively spoil him when he hasn't looked after his current one is sending the wrong message IMO. Giving kids everything they  ask for is setting them up for failure as an adult when they realise they have to work for things. 

She sounds spoilt and selfish and I also think you should be less forgiving on this occasion mainly because you asked her to stick to the budget and she went way beyond it without even consulting you. That was a massive "up yours" to you and for me I would be fuming. I get you don't want to rock the boat because of your mental health but excusing her behaviour with she was upset because of lockdown is frankly pathetic. You will not sort your finances out if she is going to sabotage your efforts every time she feels a bit emotional. As I said I would preload a card with grocery money and a small personal allowance for January and make her stick to that. Or tell her to do like the rest of us and get a job. Is she to sit around at home letting you financially support her for the rest of her life? If you separated she would have to whether she liked it or not. Make 2021 a year for her to rethink her life choices as sitting on IG all day doesn't sound like a career choice. 

Couldn’t agree more.

RelievedSheff

Fully agree as well.

ladyholly

And me. Put so much than I can. 

stymied

Legs21 said:

Wrap it up and put it away as a “surprise” present. If your son is happy with the haul he receives on Xmas day, then take the “surprise” present back to the shop and get your money back. I did this with my son and a PS4. The “surprise” present stayed in my wardrobe until his birthday the following April. 

This would be a good compromise. Once you both see how overjoyed he is with what he’s got, especially when you play with it with him then thoughts of the iPad being needed will hopefully go out of the window.

ladyholly

Sorry post should read put so much better than I can. 

ohdearhowdidthathappen

I agree with ES and the others too.  She really needs to grow up and I'm genuinely appalled at what she said about Santa and poor kids!  Don't cover for her with FIL, he might be able to talk some sense into her.

Purplelady65

I agree with every word @enthusiasticsaver has said - very well put.