First Steps to Solvency

alt80

I can’t say I’m happy about the iPad but wife feels he ‘deserves it’ and it’s been a hard year also because ‘new lockdown’. I don’t mind passing mine on to him when I replace it and he writes a lot on Santa list I genuinely don’t even think he remembers tbh. Tried to have a discussion with her not getting angry about it but she just feels he’s not getting much this year and with lockdown wants to treat him. Bought herself a few bits as she knows we aren’t really doing gifts no doubt one was summer Creed Love in White that I was going to buy for her but she refused to let me at the time taking the pee a bit seemed like to me. Few bits of clothing sale tbf and some lingerie ha !!!!!! ha. Totals £1320 not including Christmas Eve box which is accounted for in usual variables. Tells me it shouldn’t even be an issue only is because I’ve put myself in debt - true tbf. Said this evening if I brought in a bigger income wouldn’t be in this position in the first place not sure she’s right about that - I wouldn’t have planned my personal finances any better, know that much. I’ve had to accept I can’t change the past only do the right things for now and plan for the future - can’t go down the road of the regrets getting the better of me again. Can’t go down route of building the debt levels up again either. Don’t like bringing her lifestyle into the mess I’ve caused but can’t do a lot about it now, just need to pay it down work on a degree of sustainability for future. Lots and lots I regret tbh but not going to help anyone me getting self destructive about it which I could very easily do. Been on the chill app about 7 times this afternoon/ evening rather than lose it lol. 

Rather than taking from saved funds, I’ve decided my mileage petrol money can clear it so variable budget drops to £1250 for jan to may. Will pay the card in full as planned when statement issued use current account o/d to keep to budget but that’s interest free anyway. Does at least keep the budget going. Will review when next thing sold. She knows and it’s not fair we won’t be able to live to that etc I’ve just told her it’s tough luck and I’m afraid we’re on the payback. Can’t do it one minute then forget the next. I’m not making her take anything back like I did know she doesn’t want to be humiliated like that.

We both use the Amex for day to day spends and clear the statement amount. All her cards are actually my cards she is an additional cardholder. I had considered lowing the credit limit of the Amex to around £5k. Currently £12k. Cant really be a knob about her spending not like I haven’t done similar plenty of times in the past. 

Santa bringing a stocking of small items - that was my childhood experience too. No less special imo and what sister still does for her children. Sometimes we just had the Santa presents on Christmas Day didn’t really matter tbh. Wife wants son to have the full ‘magic of Christmas’ experience. To her our son knowing toys are bought rather than arrive by sleigh would spoil it. Son asked why they were doing a fundraising event for Christmas at school because Santa will bring the children what they want. Wife told him Santa doesn’t send much to poor children because they are naughty FML. Son now is like why should we give stuff to them if they’re naughty. She said because we don’t know which ones are naughty and which aren’t, son says but Santa knows FML honestly it went on for about an hour. He was screaming about buying some stuff to give to ‘naughty children’ because he wouldn’t get anything if he was naughty. Both wife and I gladly give a bit - she said what she did in panic mode, she’s not a !!!!!! but he thinks it’s unfair these other children are getting ‘rewarded’ for being naughty which I can see from mind of a kid and told everyone at school which got back to wife. She was mortified tbf but !!!!!! nightmare that was. So not the first time Santa has given her a problem to sort out.

I get it re it’s too much to spend we agreed when we did the budget together for 2021 to spend £1k/y on presents. Lot less than previous and wife not happy but told her it’s presents or a holiday her choice. She usually starts buying in summer and doesn’t stop apart from this year. This year stopped September total spend £2.5k shared between Christmas and birthday for him. She likes doing the social media pics big pile under the tree, beauty advent calendar unboxing etc yeah it set me off because I knew I couldn’t buy that for her and she couldn’t do her IG posts about it which I find a bit crass tbh but she enjoys it. She’s massively into IG 100 wants our pile of presents to be biggest on her feed and a lot of the makeup bought to put on the stories feed and for no other reason tbh. Lot not even used but CT is big on there. Probably it’s a bit of an up yours to some of her mum friends/ peers who live more modestly tbh she’s got her own insecurities tbh. 

ryanm8655

Furious for you. What a joker. If you earned more...sorry but what a !!!!!! horrendous thing to say...she doesn’t even !!!!!! work. She’d be screwed without you!

lostmyusername

I’ve defended your wife a lot here but I really think she’s out of order. I kept saying time and time again that she does a lot around the house and that’s worth a lot etc, but the absolute audacity to say that you don’t earn enough. If she thinks that then she can bloody well get a job of her own and then she might think twice about spending someone’s monthly salary in an hour on stuff that nobody needed. 

FootyFanDan

Wait... !!!!!! is wrong with her going out and earning some money! Wow what a thing to say. Fair play to you for not losing it but what a joke that is I would be absolutely furious! 

stymied

So basically she’s spent your holiday money for 2021 in one shopping trip 😢 Doesn’t he deserve a holiday with his mum and dad more than a new iPad that he doesn’t even particularly want. Could you make the argument that way?

This has nothing to do with him and all to do with her spending addiction and feeling a bit !!!!!! about the new lockdown. I had a spending blip on the day they announced our Christmas plans were cancelled, £8 on ice cream, £3.50 on extra gifts for my parents who we now won’t see on Christmas Day and £2.20 on cider, lol.

I’m not suggesting you make her take it back but you can do it for her. May as well take the last lot of make up back as well while you’re at it. Bag it all up and look at it again after Christmas - I bet nothing will be used in that time anyway. The perfume can be bought on sale when it’s needed or from one of @ryanm8655 suggested websites. Figuring out how to make extra payments is definitely not the way to go - this is not a one-off, it will happen repeatedly.

enthusiasticsaver

It does sound like she has a lot of insecurities too with the IG and trying to keep up with the Jones syndrome. Only a few weeks ago she was telling you not to buy her presents and making you return them and yet today she goes out and buys them for herself. Also telling your son that Santa doesn't bring presents to poor children because they are naughty!!! What on earth does her socialist father think of that and what sort of message does that give your son? 

At the moment I get why you don't want to make a massive fuss and get yourself worked up about it but what she has done is quite honestly massively undermined the efforts you have made and setting a dreadful example for your son. She also needs to realise the debt you are both in is not just down to your spending but hers too. She was and is complicit in the over spending too. You juggling the budget to pay for her overspends is removing any responsibility from her to sort out her failing to keep in budget. Nothing to do with how much you earn which is a more than reasonable wage. Quite honestly I would be removing the Amex from her and look into a preloaded card for her spending in line with your budget. Or tell her to get a job. I would also be enlightening her father with details of his princesses spending spree (maybe not Christmas Day though). I just read your post to my DD1 who is back for Christmas and her mouth dropped open at some of the comments. She said maybe she is rebelling against some of her fathers principles if he is a staunch socialist. 

rugbymadfamily

I've said it to you a number of times, your money is family money, not just yours. That counts equally when your wife is spending the family budget frivolously and isn't just directed at you. That's a ridiculous sum of money to spend without consulting you. Husband and I have combined monthly income of about £6k (not quite in your ballpark but a very decent income) and have a rule that no one spends over £50 of joint money without consulting the other (exemptions are food shop and petrol), to spend over £1,300 without discussing it is just awful.

I would be inclined to tell you FIL so that his first assumption is not to start getting digs in at you. Not normally a fan of telling tales to parents but she opened that door. Think insaid it before but I'd consider loading a prepaid card each month and that's hers for spending. No other spends on cards unless agreed.

ryanm8655

Sell her Cartier watch too.

dawnybabes

Wow, she’s supposed to be working as a team and In one dAy has wiped it out. 

You’d bought her a thoughtful present with the dice.  Was some of it gifts for you ? You could return them.

I can’t believe she said about what you earn, she really does need a reality check !  My hubby is a large earner but I still work (albeit part time) for my own sanity. 

warby68

Sleep on it @alt80 but this is something that needs mitigating quickly not resolved by adding more to the budget pain for the whole of 2021 because it will happen again long before then. She has just thrown a massive 'up yours' spree in your face the day before Christmas. That is seriously unpleasant regardless of whether you spent more before. You have made new plans since then and she has broken them big time. You have a right to be angry and undo the damage. The stuff needs to go back. 

Would she consider some help like you? I always thought she spent largely because she had never lived in the real world of earning and because you had told her she could. Spoilt perhaps but no malice. I cut her a lot of slack because of how hard she works behind the scenes and how she ostensibly rallied to support you. Clearly that was a wrong impression - she has vices just as damaging as yours, especially for the knock on effect on your son. 

So sorry about this - your wife should be the last person to kick you when you're down.