First Steps to Solvency

ladyholly

 To be honest I am more angry at her school collection comments about poorer children being naughty. Is this really what you want your son to believe.  I am disgusted by her her comments. It's time, ambition or not, that she learned the value of work. 

theoretica

As a purely practical point if you wife was open to returns I believe you could be the one to take them in, not her.  Lots of people will be returning things after Christmas and the shop is unlikely to think anything more than gifts that didn't work out.

How does her spending compare to the total of the sales she made?  Might it help you to think that she was covering her own spending through selling her stuff rather than that going straight to the debt?

TheAble

Let's not overreact too much. It's an obvious blunder but easily rectified. Just set it aside and return for a full refund. Future errors can be treated in the same fashion.

enthusiasticsaver

alt80 said:

Tells me it shouldn’t even be an issue only is because I’ve put myself in debt - true tbf. Said this evening if I brought in a bigger income wouldn’t be in this position in the first place not sure she’s right about that - I wouldn’t have planned my personal finances any better, know that much. I’ve had to accept I can’t change the past only do the right things for now and plan for the future - can’t go down the road of the regrets getting the better of me again. 

I’m not making her take anything back like I did know she doesn’t want to be humiliated like that.

We both use the Amex for day to day spends and clear the statement amount. All her cards are actually my cards she is an additional cardholder. I had considered lowing the credit limit of the Amex to around £5k. Currently £12k. Cant really be a knob about her spending not like I haven’t done similar plenty of times in the past. 

 

The fact you are in debt is not solely down to you.  She spends too and in spades sometimes it seems. 

A hefty dose of humiliation may stop her doing this again. 

Have you done similar since September when you started to sort this out?  You had a spending spree early on in the month but I seem to recall you took the stuff back? 

alt80

Variable spends: £1530/1550. Counting Christmas Eve box but not the obvious. 

Not had a drink, just makes things worse. No desire to fall out for Christmas either. Tried to get on, cooked dinner, went for walk with wife and son. Not going to help me sabotaging myself.

Know where you’re coming from re taking back rather than messing about with the budget. I know how !!!!!! that feels just can’t ask her to do it. It’s Christmas and I don’t think she’ll do it again she’s been really upset about the lockdown being changed and her parents won’t break the rules, they are bringing Boxing Day food on Christmas Day so it doesn’t get wasted and we are going to do it via FaceTime weird I know but at least she sees them. Sister laughed at her when she was up because we haven’t seen our parents at Christmas time for 17 years tbf could go one year and we always FaceTime them phoned before that was a thing. Sister’s husband’s parents expect them to go there and not a chance my wife would go on holiday for Christmas.

Wife is serious about me sorting the debts out. My spends always been worse but she does buy a lot of stuff she doesn’t use. When I spend I get my use out of the stuff generally - do spend a lot on clothes but fair amount of clothing I own had since my 20s lol. She buys a lot of stuff she never wears. Far too many pairs of trainers etc. Just how she is, worse now IG a bigger thing than it was. She’s been inactive on there missing it, did have one of her mates message can’t wait to see her presents unboxing stories this year so that probably didn’t help. 

I def want my son to appreciate he needs to work hard to get what he wants, no doubt on that. Want him to carry on being the kind boy he is now too, not holding much hope for that having me as a dad lol but can hope. She panicked about the Santa thing was worried he wouldn’t believe if he thought those less fortunate weren’t getting presents because parents couldn’t afford rather than because they were naughty. Her dad would be disgusted tbh, I knew why she said it and know she wasn’t happy when son was being quite spoilt about the whole thing about them getting something. We had to buy him a big Lego set make it ok. I’ll take the flack from FIL over the iPad not like he doesn’t already think I’m a !!!!!! tbh he’s always hated me. Things slightly better past few weeks think that’s only because he’s realised I’ve been falling apart big time, doesn’t want me going on a serious mental episode ha. He used to be quite high up in social work so similar work to you I suppose @Nicnak.

Re her getting a job, it’s not what she wants and tbh as an employer I’d be reluctant to employ her. She’s not had a job since she was 21 helped me out when needed tbf and has said she will do in the future. She does do enough nails to cover her monthly beauty treatments. I’ve realised she does a lot at home too I know I’ve took that and her for granted. 

Cards - don’t really feel I can take the spends card off her tbh when I’ve spent, took back tbf but still did it. Possibly need to reduce the £12k limit - can’t cover that in full which is what the Amex card is for spends cleared off every month and don’t want another balance to deal with.

warby68

Insomnia strikes here - half expected to see you @alt80
I understand why you are being forgiving but don't let your guilt skew your better judgement, especially when it comes to good values for your son. 
You might feel responsible for her behaviour and value system (Insta and the poor children incidents are shocking) but unless she changes along with you, it might all be a bit hopeless. 
I really hope you've both had a rethink by morning. 
You don't want to ruin Christmas which I also understand but from my perspective, she has done that. 

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Variable spends: £1530/1550. Counting Christmas Eve box but not the obvious. 

Not had a drink, just makes things worse. No desire to fall out for Christmas either. Tried to get on, cooked dinner, went for walk with wife and son. Not going to help me sabotaging myself.

Know where you’re coming from re taking back rather than messing about with the budget. I know how !!!!!! that feels just can’t ask her to do it. It’s Christmas and I don’t think she’ll do it again she’s been really upset about the lockdown being changed and her parents won’t break the rules, they are bringing Boxing Day food on Christmas Day so it doesn’t get wasted and we are going to do it via FaceTime weird I know but at least she sees them. Sister laughed at her when she was up because we haven’t seen our parents at Christmas time for 17 years tbf could go one year and we always FaceTime them phoned before that was a thing. Sister’s husband’s parents expect them to go there and not a chance my wife would go on holiday for Christmas.

Wife is serious about me sorting the debts out. My spends always been worse but she does buy a lot of stuff she doesn’t use. When I spend I get my use out of the stuff generally - do spend a lot on clothes but fair amount of clothing I own had since my 20s lol. She buys a lot of stuff she never wears. Far too many pairs of trainers etc. Just how she is, worse now IG a bigger thing than it was. She’s been inactive on there missing it, did have one of her mates message can’t wait to see her presents unboxing stories this year so that probably didn’t help. 

I def want my son to appreciate he needs to work hard to get what he wants, no doubt on that. Want him to carry on being the kind boy he is now too, not holding much hope for that having me as a dad lol but can hope. She panicked about the Santa thing was worried he wouldn’t believe if he thought those less fortunate weren’t getting presents because parents couldn’t afford rather than because they were naughty. Her dad would be disgusted tbh, I knew why she said it and know she wasn’t happy when son was being quite spoilt about the whole thing about them getting something. We had to buy him a big Lego set make it ok. I’ll take the flack from FIL over the iPad not like he doesn’t already think I’m a !!!!!! tbh he’s always hated me. Things slightly better past few weeks think that’s only because he’s realised I’ve been falling apart big time, doesn’t want me going on a serious mental episode ha. He used to be quite high up in social work so similar work to you I suppose @Nicnak.

Re her getting a job, it’s not what she wants and tbh as an employer I’d be reluctant to employ her. She’s not had a job since she was 21 helped me out when needed tbf and has said she will do in the future. She does do enough nails to cover her monthly beauty treatments. I’ve realised she does a lot at home too I know I’ve took that and her for granted. 

Cards - don’t really feel I can take the spends card off her tbh when I’ve spent, took back tbf but still did it. Possibly need to reduce the £12k limit - can’t cover that in full which is what the Amex card is for spends cleared off every month and don’t want another balance to deal with.

I think you’re being too soft. She’s just wiped out a months budget in seconds and you need to get real. She needs help just as much as you. Without it you’re going to be in this situation again.

I wouldn’t care about employers not employing her. She can go work in a supermarket.

I somehow missed comment about poor kids being naughty, what a vile person. 

I think you’re burying your head in the sand and making excuses for her here, Appreciate you don’t want to ruin Christmas but she already has.

She needs to grow up.

warby68

I meant to say please don't hide her behaviour from her father. Unless he is a complete hypocrite he could prove an ally.
I have defended her before when you have dismissed her as a partner. However you are going far too much the other way - she has been truly awful. No excuses at all. She is in her 30's not 12. I really thought she was the minor league player in your issues, but you're equal and she's a lot less likeable than you from these stories. The only way that spend doesn't create a huge roadblock is if the stuff goes back and she owns the behaviour as wrong. Otherwise you're on the journey but she isn't and it won't work. Honestly, what a madam, to coin an old phrase.

RelievedSheff

Take her cards from her and make it clear that the holiday budget for next year has now gone.

That might make it sink home that she can't just go on spending sprees when she fancies.

In one afternoon she has spent more than some people earn in a month. It just can't carry on like that.

Make her take some of the stuff she has bought back. A point needs to be made here and I would also get father in law on your side with this. 

LillythePink

Alt - I think that you have been incredibly mature about the whole thing (not to sound patronising there), especially not turning to a drink or two and really letting rip about what's on your mind......that wouldn't solve anything even if it is justified.

I get her motives for buying the Ipad and I understand her reasons for doing so and some of the comments aimed at you about how you got into the debt situation you're in.

I think that it's a blip on her part and is feeling emotional about everything and this is why she's done what she has done, she will regret the buying and the comments made to you.

If the Ipad is returned she will resent you and possibly even make comments to your son who in turn will resent you for it.  As someone else has said, it's done - draw a line and move forward......that isn't to say that she shouldn't be accountable for the overspend - you have said yourself that the money will be "paid back" over the next few months - which will have a longer affect on all of you which may turn out to be the better option.

I am not defending her as such and I don't think cards should be taken away either - you're not being a softie or walkover for this but a tough lesson (returning the ipad/other spends) probably isn't the way to go - whilst that's a short sharp shock, resentment will fester and you will always be the bad guy for her not being able to buy things "because of what you have done in the past".

Her comments on Santa and naughty children are appalling but they out there now, you just have to try and re-educate your son.

I know I am going against the grain of what others have posted but I do think (hope) she will reflect on this and be truly sorry but how you have reacted will make her feel even more guilty - she was probably expecting the old you to have a go and be prepared to fight you, but you haven't - and that will have a better affect on how she feels.