First Steps to Solvency

LondonLiz

@Alt80, what you described in your long post yesterday ( "I ‘knew’ my wife was going to leave me", I started to convince myself they’d be going down too with me and my business and all my fault wrecking peoples lives)  is called catastrophising in counseling speak.  This is going from a small incident or comment to a huge disaster in seconds in your head.  It's a normal reaction to react a bit badly to criticism (including our own inner critic) but for some people it spirals out of control.  You are getting much better at reflecting on previous behavior and thinking but ideally you will find ways to  nip that thinking in the bud before it starts, and not go through the whole painful cycle. Whether it's distraction techniques, mindfulness or coming on here for some advice early doors, whatever works for you to stop the negative thinking in its tracks.

By the way I too think the Love Languages concept Working_Mum recommends is a good one.  We are all very different in how we express and interpret signs of love and caring.  For example it doesn't come naturally to me to tell people I love them and I tend to assume actions speak louder than words.  But some people need to hear it  - certainly my ex-OH was a 'words man' and my efforts were going unrecognised.   In your case you've equated gifts as a sign of love and the more expensive they are demonstrates the scale of your love.  For me and many others a small, personalised, thoughtful, often home made gift that really shows me the giver truly understands me, is far more valuable and I truly don't care how much it cost. 

ryanm8655

Working_Mum said:

I thank you for being honest on your thread @alt80 - I think you are doing very well to make such progress. There are lots of "lurkers" on these Boards who will find courage in your story and how you are handling things.

I wanted to share a book which may help - it's very American in style but is incredibly easy to read - it called Love Languages by Gary Chapman - I went from being a "incredibly comfortable" to almost destitute when my ex-husband left and I uncovered his double life of almost 2 years - I had to cut back on everything immediately and live on a much reduced income. Gary Chapman's book enabled me to understand my key relationships much better and helped me show I loved and cared for them in the most appropriate way.

It sounds to me that your wife is a "quality time" lady, and if she is, nothing would please her more than time with who she loves spent in a mutually agreeable and supportive way. This costs very little (way less than a Mulberry purse) and the impact will last way longer than a gift would. 

The book gave me real food for thought and helped fill my mind with good and positive stuff rather than what a loser I was and helped me ensure my key relationships are strong ones.

Haha, remember a girl bringing up this book on a date, sounds really interesting. She seemed to think mine was touch but think that was just a way to get in my trousers

I also love the honesty, you'll get so much more out of this being able to speak candidly too.

SpendthriftKaty

There's much to respect in the way you're sorting things out and being much more honest with yourself about things, and being honest with your parents as well. It isn't easy to face the uncomfortable things about ourselves, I just want to say I know this isn't the easy road and admire you for what you're choosing to do. 

Onebrokelady

Reading your diary has taught me a lesson that I really owe you a thank you for actually. I suffer from the green eyed monster and would be looking at other people all the time thinking why can't I live that lifestyle, they have got it all and must be so happy not to have to worry about money. I know in my more rational moments that possibly most of those people are paying for it on credit but it doesn't always stick in my mind. Having read your diary I'm now seeing that money or the perception of people having money doesn't actually make them any happier than I am 

alt80

Variable spends: £790/1550 - no spend day. 

No card update tonight - no sales. 

Worked through the day, spent time with son, cooked dinner etc. Been very tired, sleep issues still killing it for me. Quite low this evening when son went to bed - regrets/ not good enough/ not earning enough demons etc. Took the more positive steps with it as advised by counsellor. Still not great but at least not been a binge or a rage lol.

Offer wasn’t accepted no big surprise there, upped it a bit but final offer from me. Will leave it unless they come back £1-5k higher max. Nice project still decent profit but I’m stretching the money to get it in the first place tbh only need go for right stuff. The mate I passed the 7% yield place to is completing soon apparently so another for the books. Think he’s dreaming a bit how long stuff taking to go through at the moment but who knows could be. Dealing with these a bit different - money going straight in the direction of my portfolio. Give it a bit of a boost. Wife said I seem properly serious about this today, I am. Don’t start being honest with myself about the mess now I don’t think I ever will tbh. Would be set if there was no debt, res home paid and no PGs on any of the btls/ commercial finance. Res home not a massive one for me but do get where wife is coming from - owe nothing on that and no PGs, no longer the banks’ !!!!!!.

Cooked veg gratin for dinner- Christmas Day run through 1 lol. Added a chicken fillet won’t be doing that Christmas Day but was a success and will cook it again for dinner. Wife said she’d have added 2 chicken fillets rather than 1 tbf I probably would too with hindsight there was very little chicken lol. Actually made something new in the kitchen without calling my dad up haha must be growing up.

Wife been talking to in-laws they are properly apprehensive about my Christmas dinner lol. Told her they’ve only agreed because they don’t want to set me off FML really do need to get a grip when in-laws think I’m so sensitive I’m going to go on a binge because I’d be sad about not cooking Christmas dinner haha.

@enthusiasticsaver no need to apologise to me but thanks don’t get anywhere in life without striving to be better imo.

Not like I don’t know the majority of the population live on a smaller income tbh and not gonna lie seeing the card balances creeping up and constantly being into my overdraft at the end of every month kicked off knowing I needed to do something about it. Tbh I probably only got there whilst still having a good level of utilisation and a lot of available credit because I’d been there before and this time I couldn’t see a way to pay it easily apart from a remo of the res home which wife would need to know about. Mortgage broker thought I had no chance on that anyway with a decent lender at a decent rate - too many personal credit commitments for the app to stack. Didn’t want to go down the route of a !!!!!! rate on the res home either - no income generation or tax relief from res home after all so couldn’t face the ‘specialist’ lenders. Also saw it had become a perpetual cycle and properly paranoid about my credit record getting !!!!!! and holding me back in the future (not so much personal stuff but commercial finance requiring the PGs). 

Ha re portfolio one comment that really made me think and focus a bit but pretty sure I reacted badly at the time was something along the lines of only thing 7 figures about me is 7 figures of the banks’ money. FIL said something similar when I was chatting !!!!!! one night in front of all his kids and partners, grandkids too older than son so they knew what it meant I properly lost it. Realised recently no one gets that angry about a never never comment unless there’s a grain of truth somewhere. Really need to turn it around not going to be great if I’m 50 and still swimming in car finance, PGs and credit cards lol.

100 need the accountability tbh. As much as I hate not being able to spend at my usual levels not juggling the cards is a very much welcome relief. Weekdays not really hard tbh. Weekends worse by far, just go mad wanting to undo all the good work and spend. Not unusual for Saturday morning I’m thinking about the available credit I’ve got and wondering how I can get the cards without wife knowing. Total madness, nothing but bad habits and self sabotage.

Need to have a plan re RR balloon or it’s just not going to happen. The cards definitely need to go first. I did work out putting £125/m towards RR balloon from jan (res mortgage goes down as on new deal) but just decided to throw it at the cards, get them gone then look at RR as you say. It feels like a mountain to climb only got as long as I have because I took a payment holiday over lockdown 1 otherwise no chance of getting it together. Taking advantage of no meals out tbh looking like we’re staying tier 3 so hoping to be under budget for the variables this month and jan - should be a bit more towards the cards bit closer to ambitious target of ending 2021 with no cards. 

BMW needs to go to get anywhere close on RR balloon and also to pay the cards off without having to do a load of BTs. £590/m it works out to throw at debt when counting running costs/ insurance etc. Which makes a big difference. Again few months ago I’d have laughed it off as being ‘nothing’. February is when it can go. I’ve been using it a lot (put the miles on before it goes back) it is a bit of a drivers car at least but too numb imo and got to go, can’t see any other way. I love my RRs far too much. Supercharged FFRR always been the dream one for me too. Nothing rational to it at all sensible money says goodbye I know and  I know it’s just a big truck that’s fast for it’s size, not really a drivers car one bit but I’ve been hooked on them as a daily driver since my first P38 in 2004. Not been without a RR in my life since.  Day to day I don’t even drive it hard, just stick it in D and it wafts about with the best, go up any farm track but quicker than most things on the road when need be. All with my son watching a film in the back and the dog in the boot lol. Say that and I start to question if I’m even that into driving - would rather drive my RR than a C63 AMG or something haha even though the C63 would cost me less, quicker and handle infinitely better lol.

No idea re replacement, my first choice would definitely be a XJS but can’t see to make that work really. Elec car through business most sensible wife still on these electric Minis. To be honest, a good part of me says get it on a 2 year lease for her, she wants one and I denied her the choice last time which was a knobbish thing to do. Be a better person, less controlling. I think I have been abusive in my marriage, not in a physical way but too controlling and getting too angry. Not a nice feeling to think that at all.

Re parents, I do plan to tell them when I speak to them. I don’t think my parents even get any pensions and doubt the Greek government had any support for business over covid. My parents left the uk with enough to buy a very run down 1 bed in the place they live (no direct flights / very Greek so properly had to integrate into a new culture / language etc.)and a couple of suitcases, hard to build up from that at the age they went there and learn new language etc. My parents would never want my sympathy but they’ve not had an easy life said before my mum is the hardest grafter I know. My sister sends money very regularly, tbh I’d help them out more if I could.

@SuperSavingD thank you. Hope I can get into a position beyond the shame someday.

@Working_Mum thanks. I’ll have a look at the book. Still finishing the dopamine book lol. Yeah should be through by now but struggling with concentration at night when I try to read.

Does sound like my wife in some ways tbh.

@LondonLiz Thanks I’m working on the techniques in the counselling and out of it too. Think everything just spiralled for me these past few years. 

Ha 100 can relate to the not finding it easy to tell people I love them and yes I think I do probably buy gifts to ‘compensate’. 

@ryanm8655 thanks mate, hoping that’s the case tbh. Wow reckon even my chat up lines weren’t that cringe, wife might tell you otherwise though lol. Hope it wasn’t a first date, that would make it extra weird mate imo.

@SpendthriftKaty thanks and 100 not easy to face it. As I said if I don’t do it now, don’t think I ever will and need to for my family and for myself too.

@Onebrokelady What really happens is you start looking at the next level and think why can’t I have that lifestyle. Honestly if you told 23 year old me where I’d be at 40 even with the debts I’d have been buzzing to know I’d made it.

I used to dream of where I am in business. Always wanted to set up and did at the absolute earliest opportunity (too early a lot said). Every milestone felt I’d arrived, named as a director for my first ltd - arrived, VAT registered (FML what I’d do not to deal with that haha) - but arrive, ‘proper’ business with staff - arrived. Enough retained to buy first investment - arrived. Adding multiple sources of revenue and more staff - really !!!!!! arrived. The buzz didn’t end, hasn’t ended I love every single instruction/ deal/ tenant. I will never forget my responsibility to my staff and tenants - I don’t hold anything up on my own, they make my business and I’ll celebrate every single one of their successes with them, do whatever I can to help through the hard times too. Not going to be a pushover but I the day I forget a tenant renting a room from me is paying my bills is the day I sell up. Seen the other side, the LLs who don’t give a !!!!!! and the employers who treat their staff like they’re disposable. 100 I’m in it for the money, who isn’t but there’s a way to be in business and !!!!!! you all the time isn’t it. I’ve sat in my office more times than I care to remember these past few years sobbing like a baby whenever I’ve had thoughts I was going to wreck people’s lives over the self destructive stuff. Refinancing the portfolio felt like I was potentially putting people’s homes at risk, just didn’t know where else to turn at the time and I’d be putting the lot at risk had I let the cards go over limit/ defaulted or whatever. Every !!!!!! mental breakdown I’ve had I know I’m letting everyone down.

Res home wise, I used to walk down the street I live and dream about these houses. When I was older 29/30ish I told my wife I’d one day buy the house next door and the day we took possession of the keys would be the day I know we’d arrived. Proper life made stuff to live where I do for me right up until I bought it tbh. Did I want the 7 figure house, yeah of course but it was more a pipe dream when I was in my 20s.  

Likewise if you’d told 23 year old me I’d drive out of the Land Rover showroom with a brand new Supercharged FFRR.

Willowtree222

Are you trying to do all of this for a specific person or is it just everyone in general?
I ask be side my mum never really says she's proud, would always have a knock back comment or so etching negative about anything. I chased the next thing as a way to earn her approval and even when I had everything (all on credit though) it still never got me the approval I needed. Realising that nothing I ever do will be good enough was hard, but also released me from trying to be better. I didn't need the big car, the massive house, the next level of qualification. I just needed to be happy in myself. It's easier said than done to just do that. Hopefully you'll be able to free yourself of the constraints.
Let her get the mini. I'm sure she'll be happy with it. 

warby68

Morning @alt80
We may or may not have been in your very close vicinity again
I have called out some tough things and at times I don't think you've liked me very much for it. I hope I've called out helpful stuff as well. I've only been reading along this last couple of weeks and the change in tone is remarkable. The downers seem a little less extreme. I know you are sad and frustrated and regretful but I hope you find a way soon to give yourself credit for the work you are doing (and the great success you are having) by shaking up almost every aspect of your life and value system. I can't think of anything left that you aren't now mulling over and repositioning in your mind. Your  (brutal) honesty and willingness to accept you have been wrong and can do things differently plus taking help from a variety of sources is to your huge credit. Its anonymous here of course but you are doing it in real life as well. really walking the walk. The decision to tell your parents is major. I know its all been forced on you to some extent but there are a number of other much worse ways this could have gone down, perhaps nearly did.  You are determined to fix it. The debt reduction alone is great, don't forget to count the amount it was going up by in the success too. You are spending about £5000 less pm overall but do you really feel that much worse off or are the benefits starting to add up, emotionally I mean, even if just a little?
Being back at the top of your business game and giving your family what they need mean that everything else can follow - I get that it isn't easy, you're fighting internal monsters all the time but I do believe the sharing of the pressures and removing the weight of living a 'secret' life, the fakery if you will, has 'released' you to recover the situation.
If you get rid of the BMW and take a cheaper car through the business and that cost is absorbed without impact on your income, you will be in a stronger position for the personal finances fix. You will still have to choose between cars, other life and debt to some extent but you won't have the crisis pressure any more and can let your brain decide the best path for you (all) in good time. 
The buying and returning of the purse (of all things) is so symbolic. Store that away for a future wry smile.
You're doing so well and setting yourself up nicely for a much better 2021. A successful business man who loves and takes care of his family - you have arrived already, its all fine tuning now hopefully around what the ££s can do best in both those areas.
Keep going, its working

Retireinten

You were in complete denial of your financial situation when you first started posting Alt80, though deepdown you clearly knew something needed to change!  The journey you're on isn't just financial though... it's so much more than that. You're repairing your marriage and relationships with family members... and this is really, really important because financial success surely means nothing if you have no one to share and enjoy it with!  

I'm not saying this next bit to make you feel worse than you do about you're past behaviour, it's to give an insight into how your behaviour may be perceived by others!  To me you're on a journey to becoming a nicer person overall.  Some of your posts about your past attitude and behaviour towards others remind me of a family member in my own life!  He's always been a difficult character to deal with but in the last few years his income has increased four fold, which has subsequently inflated his ego 100 fold.  I won't go into detail on here but in summary he can be an obnoxious w!!!!!!!... he has a gift for boasting about his own successes whilst simultaneously making you feel worthless about your own life choices.  It's either his way or you're doing it all wrong and he doesn't hold back with his opinions! The thing is I want to spend my free time with people that I feel comfortable with, I can have a laugh with and who I can rely on if I need a bit of impartial advice and vice versa.    I deal with enough !!!!!! contests at work and I don't need any in my personal life.  I want to be happy for him in his success but his attitude makes it very difficult for me to like him in any capacity! Needless to say he is alienating everyone around him and we would cut all ties if he wasn't 'family'.  


The most humble people I know are also the wealthiest financially.  They own property worth well in excess of £2m outright (their adult children live rent in properties worth around £600k each).  They have been retired for a good few years now and have a lovely life but you would never know from their words or demeanor what they have.  They are generous with their time,  grateful for their success and considerate of others situations. My mum (this is my Aunty) is a very proud sister and all the siblings are still very close, despite very different financial circumstances.


So please don't underestimate the importance of the non financial changes you are making on this journey Alt80 because its these changes that have the power to make you rich in some many other ways, outside of money! 

enthusiasticsaver

I agree that getting rid of the BMW in February would give your personal finances a boost and enable you to get rid of the cards quicker and give you more disposable income to deal with the RR balloon when that is due. I would put any savings from the remortgage towards the cards and get those gone then save hard for the RR. Once the finance on that is up you will have £1k back in your pocket. Any shortfall do it on a personal loan or 0% money transfer card as all the other debt will then be gone. I don't know much about funding cars through a business. Do you get to offset it against tax so zero or little impact on the business? Obviously you don't want to jeopardise that. I would cost up the car she wants but it has to be practical. Can she take the dog out in a mini or does she always walk him from home? Your son is older so a mini should be fine for him. I had one when I was pregnant with my first daughter and first car I ever had from new. Nightmare with a carrycot though so it had to go. 

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Variable spends: £790/1550 - no spend day. 

No card update tonight - no sales. 

Worked through the day, spent time with son, cooked dinner etc. Been very tired, sleep issues still killing it for me. Quite low this evening when son went to bed - regrets/ not good enough/ not earning enough demons etc. Took the more positive steps with it as advised by counsellor. Still not great but at least not been a binge or a rage lol.

Offer wasn’t accepted no big surprise there, upped it a bit but final offer from me. Will leave it unless they come back £1-5k higher max. Nice project still decent profit but I’m stretching the money to get it in the first place tbh only need go for right stuff. The mate I passed the 7% yield place to is completing soon apparently so another for the books. Think he’s dreaming a bit how long stuff taking to go through at the moment but who knows could be. Dealing with these a bit different - money going straight in the direction of my portfolio. Give it a bit of a boost. Wife said I seem properly serious about this today, I am. Don’t start being honest with myself about the mess now I don’t think I ever will tbh. Would be set if there was no debt, res home paid and no PGs on any of the btls/ commercial finance. Res home not a massive one for me but do get where wife is coming from - owe nothing on that and no PGs, no longer the banks’ !!!!!!.

Cooked veg gratin for dinner- Christmas Day run through 1 lol. Added a chicken fillet won’t be doing that Christmas Day but was a success and will cook it again for dinner. Wife said she’d have added 2 chicken fillets rather than 1 tbf I probably would too with hindsight there was very little chicken lol. Actually made something new in the kitchen without calling my dad up haha must be growing up.

Wife been talking to in-laws they are properly apprehensive about my Christmas dinner lol. Told her they’ve only agreed because they don’t want to set me off FML really do need to get a grip when in-laws think I’m so sensitive I’m going to go on a binge because I’d be sad about not cooking Christmas dinner haha.

@enthusiasticsaver no need to apologise to me but thanks don’t get anywhere in life without striving to be better imo.

Not like I don’t know the majority of the population live on a smaller income tbh and not gonna lie seeing the card balances creeping up and constantly being into my overdraft at the end of every month kicked off knowing I needed to do something about it. Tbh I probably only got there whilst still having a good level of utilisation and a lot of available credit because I’d been there before and this time I couldn’t see a way to pay it easily apart from a remo of the res home which wife would need to know about. Mortgage broker thought I had no chance on that anyway with a decent lender at a decent rate - too many personal credit commitments for the app to stack. Didn’t want to go down the route of a !!!!!! rate on the res home either - no income generation or tax relief from res home after all so couldn’t face the ‘specialist’ lenders. Also saw it had become a perpetual cycle and properly paranoid about my credit record getting !!!!!! and holding me back in the future (not so much personal stuff but commercial finance requiring the PGs). 

Ha re portfolio one comment that really made me think and focus a bit but pretty sure I reacted badly at the time was something along the lines of only thing 7 figures about me is 7 figures of the banks’ money. FIL said something similar when I was chatting !!!!!! one night in front of all his kids and partners, grandkids too older than son so they knew what it meant I properly lost it. Realised recently no one gets that angry about a never never comment unless there’s a grain of truth somewhere. Really need to turn it around not going to be great if I’m 50 and still swimming in car finance, PGs and credit cards lol.

100 need the accountability tbh. As much as I hate not being able to spend at my usual levels not juggling the cards is a very much welcome relief. Weekdays not really hard tbh. Weekends worse by far, just go mad wanting to undo all the good work and spend. Not unusual for Saturday morning I’m thinking about the available credit I’ve got and wondering how I can get the cards without wife knowing. Total madness, nothing but bad habits and self sabotage.

Need to have a plan re RR balloon or it’s just not going to happen. The cards definitely need to go first. I did work out putting £125/m towards RR balloon from jan (res mortgage goes down as on new deal) but just decided to throw it at the cards, get them gone then look at RR as you say. It feels like a mountain to climb only got as long as I have because I took a payment holiday over lockdown 1 otherwise no chance of getting it together. Taking advantage of no meals out tbh looking like we’re staying tier 3 so hoping to be under budget for the variables this month and jan - should be a bit more towards the cards bit closer to ambitious target of ending 2021 with no cards. 

BMW needs to go to get anywhere close on RR balloon and also to pay the cards off without having to do a load of BTs. £590/m it works out to throw at debt when counting running costs/ insurance etc. Which makes a big difference. Again few months ago I’d have laughed it off as being ‘nothing’. February is when it can go. I’ve been using it a lot (put the miles on before it goes back) it is a bit of a drivers car at least but too numb imo and got to go, can’t see any other way. I love my RRs far too much. Supercharged FFRR always been the dream one for me too. Nothing rational to it at all sensible money says goodbye I know and  I know it’s just a big truck that’s fast for it’s size, not really a drivers car one bit but I’ve been hooked on them as a daily driver since my first P38 in 2004. Not been without a RR in my life since.  Day to day I don’t even drive it hard, just stick it in D and it wafts about with the best, go up any farm track but quicker than most things on the road when need be. All with my son watching a film in the back and the dog in the boot lol. Say that and I start to question if I’m even that into driving - would rather drive my RR than a C63 AMG or something haha even though the C63 would cost me less, quicker and handle infinitely better lol.

No idea re replacement, my first choice would definitely be a XJS but can’t see to make that work really. Elec car through business most sensible wife still on these electric Minis. To be honest, a good part of me says get it on a 2 year lease for her, she wants one and I denied her the choice last time which was a knobbish thing to do. Be a better person, less controlling. I think I have been abusive in my marriage, not in a physical way but too controlling and getting too angry. Not a nice feeling to think that at all.

Re parents, I do plan to tell them when I speak to them. I don’t think my parents even get any pensions and doubt the Greek government had any support for business over covid. My parents left the uk with enough to buy a very run down 1 bed in the place they live (no direct flights / very Greek so properly had to integrate into a new culture / language etc.)and a couple of suitcases, hard to build up from that at the age they went there and learn new language etc. My parents would never want my sympathy but they’ve not had an easy life said before my mum is the hardest grafter I know. My sister sends money very regularly, tbh I’d help them out more if I could.

@SuperSavingD thank you. Hope I can get into a position beyond the shame someday.

@Working_Mum thanks. I’ll have a look at the book. Still finishing the dopamine book lol. Yeah should be through by now but struggling with concentration at night when I try to read.

Does sound like my wife in some ways tbh.

@LondonLiz Thanks I’m working on the techniques in the counselling and out of it too. Think everything just spiralled for me these past few years. 

Ha 100 can relate to the not finding it easy to tell people I love them and yes I think I do probably buy gifts to ‘compensate’. 

@ryanm8655 thanks mate, hoping that’s the case tbh. Wow reckon even my chat up lines weren’t that cringe, wife might tell you otherwise though lol. Hope it wasn’t a first date, that would make it extra weird mate imo.

@SpendthriftKaty thanks and 100 not easy to face it. As I said if I don’t do it now, don’t think I ever will and need to for my family and for myself too.

@Onebrokelady What really happens is you start looking at the next level and think why can’t I have that lifestyle. Honestly if you told 23 year old me where I’d be at 40 even with the debts I’d have been buzzing to know I’d made it.

I used to dream of where I am in business. Always wanted to set up and did at the absolute earliest opportunity (too early a lot said). Every milestone felt I’d arrived, named as a director for my first ltd - arrived, VAT registered (FML what I’d do not to deal with that haha) - but arrive, ‘proper’ business with staff - arrived. Enough retained to buy first investment - arrived. Adding multiple sources of revenue and more staff - really !!!!!! arrived. The buzz didn’t end, hasn’t ended I love every single instruction/ deal/ tenant. I will never forget my responsibility to my staff and tenants - I don’t hold anything up on my own, they make my business and I’ll celebrate every single one of their successes with them, do whatever I can to help through the hard times too. Not going to be a pushover but I the day I forget a tenant renting a room from me is paying my bills is the day I sell up. Seen the other side, the LLs who don’t give a !!!!!! and the employers who treat their staff like they’re disposable. 100 I’m in it for the money, who isn’t but there’s a way to be in business and !!!!!! you all the time isn’t it. I’ve sat in my office more times than I care to remember these past few years sobbing like a baby whenever I’ve had thoughts I was going to wreck people’s lives over the self destructive stuff. Refinancing the portfolio felt like I was potentially putting people’s homes at risk, just didn’t know where else to turn at the time and I’d be putting the lot at risk had I let the cards go over limit/ defaulted or whatever. Every !!!!!! mental breakdown I’ve had I know I’m letting everyone down.

Res home wise, I used to walk down the street I live and dream about these houses. When I was older 29/30ish I told my wife I’d one day buy the house next door and the day we took possession of the keys would be the day I know we’d arrived. Proper life made stuff to live where I do for me right up until I bought it tbh. Did I want the 7 figure house, yeah of course but it was more a pipe dream when I was in my 20s.  

Likewise if you’d told 23 year old me I’d drive out of the Land Rover showroom with a brand new Supercharged FFRR.

Feels like things are starting to click. This is the sort of thing that started to click for me too on the mindset front. Just taking a moment to realise what you have achieved and that there is a lot more to come. It’s crazy the mentality shift in such a short space of time. So pleased for you. I knew it’d start to click eventually but it’s happening a lot sooner than I thought it would. Trailblazing haha.

Can’t wait to see where your business ends up in a few years. I’m excited for you.

There will be ups and downs but you’re acquiring the skills to ride those better.

Really well done.

As for the roast, I think they need to chill and cede control It’s such a nice gesture.

Reminds me of when I cooked last Friday as I finished work early (my cooking is fine as I can follow instructions and it was only a risotto ha). Family member moans about having to do everything but then refused to eat the risotto and said they weren’t hungry (having asked for risotto for dinner). Though I think part of the gripe was with the other family member, who they moan does nothing despite being signed off work but they have had a stroke quite recently so a bit harsh Risotto ended up being really nice, family member who did eat it loved it. But this is why I prefer to just help rather than cook outright, they have a meal plan for the week and though they moan they do love to be in control. 

Nicnak said:

Are you trying to do all of this for a specific person or is it just everyone in general?
I ask be side my mum never really says she's proud, would always have a knock back comment or so etching negative about anything. I chased the next thing as a way to earn her approval and even when I had everything (all on credit though) it still never got me the approval I needed. Realising that nothing I ever do will be good enough was hard, but also released me from trying to be better. I didn't need the big car, the massive house, the next level of qualification. I just needed to be happy in myself. It's easier said than done to just do that. Hopefully you'll be able to free yourself of the constraints.
Let her get the mini. I'm sure she'll be happy with it. 

Can relate a lot to this. Our family is a lot like this. Often picking out the negatives, though have been very good in genuine crises. Always remember when I surprised everyone at 10 by doing really well in my SATs, I was in special needs a few years before so it was some shock when suddenly I was way above average. My grandad asked if the teacher was drunk, no well done or anything He had a very dry sense of humour and I chuckle at that comment now but even now there’s that slight sense of not being good enough It’s also a trait that has been passed down the generations in our family. I feel for my cousins at times as their parent will start taking over when they’re making something as it’s not as good as it could be. It’s no wonder they all seem to have self esteem issues/respond badly to any offer of help with homework etc. Even my uncle does it...with uni telling me I couldn’t study history as I’d never get a job (b.s. in hindsight and I wish I hadn’t listened, got almost 100% on History A-level overall so always regretted that as I loved it), with my job telling me I need to start earning proper money despite having a decent job. He was megachuffed when I got the big 4 grad job but expressed his disappointment when I left as in his mind it was a meal ticket to big money (it wasn’t unless you had direction, drive and focus regarding where you wanted to end up, otherwise it was a steady job with a reasonable income). He’s just clueless, he earns a crazy amount but he works in sales, didn’t go to uni or anything, just worked his way up from an entry level job at the FT in the early 90s. He’s a really nice guy, just terrible on the career advice front and completely focussed on money a lot of the time.

But yeah, the day you free yourself of those constraints is the day you are winning. I think part of my issue was that my driver was having a better life than I had growing up but I’d achieved that by about 20 when I had a nice car and flat Then when I got the good grad job it was job done but lost my way as I had nothing else to drive me at the time. 

warby68 said:

Morning @alt80
We may or may not have been in your very close vicinity again
I have called out some tough things and at times I don't think you've liked me very much for it. I hope I've called out helpful stuff as well. I've only been reading along this last couple of weeks and the change in tone is remarkable. The downers seem a little less extreme. I know you are sad and frustrated and regretful but I hope you find a way soon to give yourself credit for the work you are doing (and the great success you are having) by shaking up almost every aspect of your life and value system. I can't think of anything left that you aren't now mulling over and repositioning in your mind. Your  (brutal) honesty and willingness to accept you have been wrong and can do things differently plus taking help from a variety of sources is to your huge credit. Its anonymous here of course but you are doing it in real life as well. really walking the walk. The decision to tell your parents is major. I know its all been forced on you to some extent but there are a number of other much worse ways this could have gone down, perhaps nearly did.  You are determined to fix it. The debt reduction alone is great, don't forget to count the amount it was going up by in the success too. You are spending about £5000 less pm overall but do you really feel that much worse off or are the benefits starting to add up, emotionally I mean, even if just a little?
Being back at the top of your business game and giving your family what they need mean that everything else can follow - I get that it isn't easy, you're fighting internal monsters all the time but I do believe the sharing of the pressures and removing the weight of living a 'secret' life, the fakery if you will, has 'released' you to recover the situation.
If you get rid of the BMW and take a cheaper car through the business and that cost is absorbed without impact on your income, you will be in a stronger position for the personal finances fix. You will still have to choose between cars, other life and debt to some extent but you won't have the crisis pressure any more and can let your brain decide the best path for you (all) in good time. 
The buying and returning of the purse (of all things) is so symbolic. Store that away for a future wry smile.
You're doing so well and setting yourself up nicely for a much better 2021. A successful business man who loves and takes care of his family - you have arrived already, its all fine tuning now hopefully around what the ££s can do best in both those areas.
Keep going, its working

Couldn’t agree more with all of this :-)

EDIT: As for the chat up line, I also thought it was a bit cringe They were South African iirc and, as with most South African women I’ve met, more alpha than most blokes. Saw a 5’5” saffa reduce her 6’5” rugby playing boyfriend to a quivering wreck when he stayed up drinking until midnight on the eve of a mate’s wedding. It was so funny, we all shat ourselves as she went mental.