First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

Cards are coming down nicely.  
I watched Nativity 2 the other day too.  Mildly amusing I guess but not surprised your son enjoyed it.  Not seen Nativity 3 yet  but still think the first one was the best. 
A massive step forward for you would be to stop caring what others think as I am pretty sure 99% don't care what house you live in and what car you drive.  Most are too self absorbed in their own life and going on a spending binge because some nobody you do not even like made a comment is mad.  The only loser there was you making yourself ill, giving yourself a spending hangover and affecting your mental health.  Sounds like the counselling is helping anyway as identifying triggers and developing techniques to distract you away from self destructive behaviour is key to you moving away from this constantly seeking an ego boost.  Have a bit more confidence in yourself. 

Purplelady65

Well done on on reducing your debt even further! Your story about the RR and the comments which sent you on a bender is very amusing! I’m not sure if it’s something you can look back on and laugh about now but maybe in the future. I admire your honesty in sharing this story. I’m assuming your anger was directed at this man’s wife and that’s why he made the comment?  I suppose it illustrates how fragile your ego is and how it is totally wrapped up in a display (or perceived display) of wealth. I wonder if that’s why having money in the bank is not a priority for you as it’s not a visible display of wealth? Although some people seem to share everything on social media we’re not yet at the point of sharing bank balances. From your previous posts it appears your relationship with money and the acquisition of material possessions to show people that you have ‘made it’ has its roots in your upbringing. Some of the comments you’ve posted about your dad appear to illustrate you have inherited his views around the value of the acquisition and display of material possessions. In one of your posts you mentioned your mum working 17 hours a day 7 days a week which would indicate there wasn’t much time for quality family time and being taken on a mega shopping trip to London once a year with money your mum had hidden from your dad. I wonder if that also relates to your craving for spending on items and validation of yourself. Anyway there does seem to be a definite positive shift in your thinking from your posts right at the beginning of this thread. You’ve come a long way since then. 

Sarahwithlove

I'm afraid the nativity films only get worse as they go on. There's also a nativity rocks which is just as bad. But keeps the kids happy 

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Variable spends: £740/1550

Food shop including some Christmas stuff and filling the BMW. Only working this week and next then two weeks off / doing very little so doubt another petrol fill this month. Apprehensive about two weeks off but Christmas in between so hopefully won’t be too much.

No alcohol/ smashed the leg day somehow/ 3km on the treadmill (too cold for outdoor run tbh)/ Christmas film night in with the hot choc. Not even time to think about getting my wallet out.

Nativity 2 film - absolutely ridiculous, son thought it was hilarious tbf it was quite funny in parts if you like slapstick imo. Did consider opening a bottle of wine but decided I didn’t need it. Healthier lifestyle all round today.

Been absolutely freezing though still did my dog walk and been out on a couple of jobs. Every now and again visit something that makes me think if I didn’t earn ok from it think I’d give up and become an accountant or something lol. This one commercial - derelict previously had squatters !!!!!! awful, sort of place you wipe your feet on the way out ha property def not a glamorous industry. Always get a weird feeling of life could be a whole lot worse when I go to some places haha extra grateful to come home. Also seen another project for me. Got the FA through so decided to go and have a look, another comm to res rural place. Looks good on the face of it c£90k gross profit potentially.

Been thinking about if I’d buy my RR again and I know what it costs probably disgusts most people on here so hoping I’ll say no but I love the car and don’t even think a Bentayga would do anything better apart from have the badge. So I would but I also would have left it for a couple of years though with the hindsight I’ve got now, bigger deposit and finance the rest with a plan from day one for the balloon. Would like to say I’d save longer and buy for cash but tbh I probably am not at that stage for the delayed gratification yet.

Also been thinking that other people always going to pull you down if that’s how they are shouldn’t have taken me to this age to be at the point of just starting to think about what I want for my family and I only not seeking validation. Definitely have been out to impress others stupidly. Those of us in debt for lifestyle reasons probably also guilty of this idk but this came from my counselling for other stuff.

Was told to reflect on this time I went on a massive binge and think about how something negative triggered craving and I could have better handled the situation might be helpful to others if they seek validation only reason I’m posting it tbh possibly won’t help anyone idk. Kind of spending related too tbh. Whole !!!!!! lot of my mental issues ha. When I first got current RR we had one of son’s friends from school round, really nice lad loves football we’d all just had a bit of a kick about in the garden and lunch. Parents aren’t much fun tbh wife has this lad round regularly for a kick about or did when we could. His parents too stuck up generally, so this 100 shouldn’t have angered me but I think I tend to think others will react how I do. Generally I’m made up for people when they get something nice / achieve something and 100 take it personally when others react differently to something nice I’ve bought. Yeah know I shouldn’t. Anyway the boys mum when they picked their boy up said she was surprised we’d gone for the Vogue. They aren’t car people really but I was so wrapped up in it at the time in my head everyone knows the differences between trim so I massively kicked off can’t buy the supercharged in vogue spec that’s the base model etc etc I am embarrassed looking back thinking about that. Not gonna lie though I was buzzing about my new car and looking for a bit of a well done mate, nice motor, made up for you, wish I’d got the money etc sort of stuff reasonable people say when a someone gets a new car. Husband’s put down ‘I don’t care what model of Range Rover a jumped up estate agent has managed to scrape a deposit together for’. Said it in front of wives, his boy and my son, couldn’t just say nice motor mate or whatever leave it at that, he said it totally deadpan 100 not a joke. Red rag to a bull for me that was but looking back with the hindsight and wanting to make changes to my mindset- it was me with the anger level at a 10 and me who went out on a massive 2 day binge, he went home smug probably never even thought about it again. I lost it big time, ill for days and days after, 100 wife knew what I’d been doing but she didn’t say anything, couldn’t even work so spent about a week in a massive rage looking for a Bentayga (no amount of man maths could have justified it and tbh almost certain I’d not been able to get the credit either) all just to be able to say !!!!!! you to him. Just reminds me I do 100% need to stop worrying about others/ image/ validation - it’s just not worth the anger when people have different views or just want to pull you down for no reason and for me I’m more likely to spend on stuff I don’t even really want.

Re race @ryanm8655 think it was you mentioning marathon? Definitely wasn’t keen on that @getmore4less lol. Think people on here thought I was more fit than I am tbh. I am potentially up for doing a 10km with wife but can’t see me training for a marathon. Only really run up to 5km personally but have done 10km before so know it’s possible beyond that don’t think I’ve got the discipline for the training and a bit intimidated by the distance tbf. Thank you @feeldaburn for the suggestion my wife would absolutely love for me to train with her and us do a race tbh. Will def have a look.

@Nicnak it’s def easy when your kids are young tbh. I enjoy Christmas not on wife’s level but I get it. 

@getmore4less yeah suppose I’m seeing the way I view things not really normal or healthy. Don’t get me wrong I knew there were people not bothered about owning stuff / getting their worth from it but tbh thought more like me than not ha. Think it was you that said shouldn’t be basing a res home purchase just on purchase price more what would it give you over what you have etc. Made me think about it a bit also came up in the counselling - fairly certain counsellor doesn’t get my way of thinking either tbh spent about 15 minutes explaining I’d be buzzing to see HMLR update of purchase price £1m when I put my address in. Well for a bit. Did make me take a step back - who/ what for etc. Just for my ego really part of my idea of what it means to me to have it made. At the point of parking that stuff concentrating on generating income rather than spending it, does go a bit awry with time off/ weekends/ boredom definitely.

Can completely understand your reaction, I’d have been driven to the same. Makes me furious reading that. I’d have probably punched the bloke (not that that is any better). Two of my pet hates right there...trying to put people down to make themselves feel better (and they both did it) and stuck up people who think they’re better than everyone. How disrespectful can you get. It’s good you can see it for what it is though. And it’s important too, one thing I’ve learned over the years is exactly that. By letting it effect you like you lose, sod them. Try and get those moments to drive you is what I do now. I feel I’m getting a bit better at turning setbacks into motivation rather than being driven to a blow out. 

Still seething at that though...funnily enough it was a similar feeling of helpless rage that led to me going to counselling. As most who read my diary will have gathered, I’m not close to my mum or any of my siblings, distanced myself from all of them because they’re toxic. Exactly like your son’s mate’s parents but at the opposite end of the spectrum. Would do anything to drag you down. Anyway, my sister’s kids end up in care (unbeknownst to me until I randomly bump into her on a night out with mates when I’m back from London for a weekend). I’m supportive, try and give her advice, write them letters everyday etc. When I saw her she was with her ex (the father of the kids) and unbeknownst to me there is a court order that says they can’t spend time together. Long story short I end up at the family court explaining that I saw them together as this is important for the outcome for the kids (she put them through some pretty awful stuff and has continued to be terrible since so it was the right decision). In court, bearing in mind I’m the only one out of all of my siblings to go to uni or do well in life at all despite all sorts of craziness I grew up with, I’m being questioned by their solicitors as they try and claim I hate my sister and that I’m the liar, bringing up all sorts of weird dirt from when I was young kid and twisting it (e.g. had to call the police when my sister tried to stab me after I came home from a night out at 18 and the police report described me as drunk, so they started claiming I had an alcohol problem despite the fact I only saw them once a year tops as I kept my distance, so they didn’t even know me). Then I’m countering them by saying that’s nonsense, rattling off my achievements etc. To prove I’m not the scummer. The solicitor said to me “big deal, so you went to uni and got a job”. I was raging for weeks afterwards, not seen any of that family since. Just because they have to try and drag you down, can’t be happy for you doing well, especially when all I ever did was try to help them. But I was angry at myself for not putting him in his place, he was a lousy high street solicitor trying to get a thrill defending a couple of alcoholic drug addicts when the welfare of three abused children was at stake. I was in such a low place after that but fortunately it convinced me to go to counselling. I can completely get how you felt though. That set me back a lot but my life pre: uni now feels like a different life entirely, thankfully.

I haven’t thought of that solicitor for a while but I’m now thinking about them and using it as motivation to drive myself. I’d do the same with those parents, or even better try and let go of it altogether (something I’ve done with the family both literally and mentally).

Bit of an over share but !!!!!! it.

alt80

@enthusiasticsaver thanks, keeping with clearing whatever sales we get off the cards straightaway - don’t even think about the money that way, it’s gone. Initially wife wanted to clear once a month but no effort to pay them straightaway for me and still can’t trust myself.

Yep we’ve got Nativity 3 to look forward to at the weekend haha. He loves it, makes him happy and couple of hours chill time with wife and a silly unlogged drink not going to complain at all.

In the interest of honesty it wasn’t a spending binge I was really !!!!!! ill for a reason. Didn’t even have a drink for two months after, put me off other stuff for a lot longer than that. 100 agree only one loser there. Yeah I knew I wouldn’t face dealing with the debt on anything other than a superficial level unless I dealt with the mindset. Took me under 20 months to built the current lot after the previous £100k refinance. Not something I’m proud of at all.

@Purplelady65 Thanks.

I can’t say I find what he said amusing now, not sure I ever will do tbh but there’s history between my wife and his. She was trying to lose weight, wife agreed to train her - constantly over calories / massive amount of carbs not enough protein. Wife was really encouraging, spending a lot of time writing recipes / workout plans. Going round there to show this woman how to cook the recipes / exercise technique etc. It ended really badly - this woman was still eating a lot of rubbish and bad mouthing my wife at school/ social events saying she has no clue etc on a number of occasions, really putting her down. Not gonna pretend my wife was a saint in this tbf, it all ended by my wife telling this woman she was ‘a massive whale’, no wonder she won’t play football with son, she’s surprised her husband is still interested (bit less polite than that tbh) and she didn’t want to train her anymore. Hence wife’s reluctance to train people and a fair few issues with mums mostly a bit older than her and not so into the fitness stuff. So yeah bit more to it than totally random.

Tbh I like owning nice things, more interested in assets (admit cars are a vice rather than an asset - I don’t buy the right ones for that). Not gonna lie I like/ want the validation too but even without it I’d still rather pay a lot for a nice place to live/ nice car to drive than live purely maintaining needs and saving money in a bank (which sorry I still see as a waste - not when it’s a reasonable sinking fund/ something you’re saving towards and need available cash). Journey with the debt has made me realise I need to be more sustainable / realistic about what I’m financing and when. Start treating my personal finances more like another business in some ways - in others not really the wants always going to win for me but need to be planned better/ earned. Not levelling up on credit then years of cutback/ payback. Can’t see my mindset changing on that at all - I’m not going to become someone who has 7 figures in an account, lives in a £300k semi and drives a Hyundai. 100 haven’t changed my mindset as far as that’s concerned - money nothing but a tool imo. Not knocking anyone with that mindset just not for me.

Parents - everyone affected by upbringing in some ways tbh I think. It’s where we form our initial views on life like it or not. One of the main reasons I want to be better for my son, road I’ve been going down not somewhere I want him to be when my age. Not the type of parent who thinks he’ll never have a drink/ do a line/ spend on stupid stuff I’m sure he will, that’s life what I don’t want is for things to become self destructive, not grow out of the stupid stuff and know when it needs to stop. Lots of ways my mum and dad taught me lots of positive stuff - work hard, life on own terms, entrepreneurship etc. Sister and I were a bit feral / left to our own devices but parents always strict on the education side so we were encouraged to do well at school/ uni etc. Mum only hid money from my dad because everything he had he gambled. Nothing my dad didn’t have a stake in won big a few times, lost big too. They didn’t lose their home/ livelihood in UK over being bad in business that side was fine my dad just liked gambling more.

alt80

@ryanm8655 don’t really know what to say, absolutely awful situation. 100 you’re probably a better man than me to have risen above all that. Good job/ income/ lifestyle is a massive achievement mate.

I’ve little time for stuck up people generally, we know a few ha. 100 felt like punching him glad I didn’t though tbh wouldn’t have helped at all.

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

@ryanm8655 don’t really know what to say, absolutely awful situation. 100 you’re probably a better man than me to have risen above all that. Good job/ income/ lifestyle is a massive achievement mate.

I’ve little time for stuck up people generally, we know a few ha. 100 felt like punching him glad I didn’t though tbh wouldn’t have helped at all.

Haha. Its all in the past, so much so that it took me a while to remember why it was that your story triggered me ha. 

Honestly though, things like that and those little lightbulb moments about life in general are what counselling is all about. And being able to let go of them so that you’re not so badly effected. The new counselling sounds like it’s really getting to the heart of things.

Haha. Yeah I can imagine. I meet quite a few. It’s another reason I struggle with the civil service. It’s full of people from well off backgrounds that don’t need money, so love it.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

£40 in sales takes the totals to:
M&S (card I’m currently trying to pay off first) - £3150
Total balance - £28,400
Total sales (December) - £390
Total reduction (September - date) - £11.6k 

100% made my evening seeing total balance under £28.5k.

You are making great progress on those balances. Nice one 

alt80

Putting the low value items up for sale seems to be paying off - 3 more sales this morning wife has dealt with. Only £50 in total but another (unexpected) card update.

Bad nights sleep last night, went to bed, got up, went back to bed, bit of sleep, woke up, couldn’t get back to sleep then asleep at 6.45am. Not great but not going to let it spoil my day- usually do if I’m tired I start doing stupid stuff. Probably going to be more relaxing to spend some time with son tonight probably be bored of this but film is a nice easy one at least ha.

@ryanm8655 Yeah think you’re right. I’ve not made any secret I have issues and spend/ whatever for self destructive reasons sometimes. You’ve got there a lot earlier than me- took me until I was 40 to even think this needs to change mate.

Actually know a few people with good jobs in civil service through son mainly (there’s a few departments here). What you’re saying relates - that bloke’s wife is civil service ha. 

@RelievedSheff thank you. Possibly a bit of an ambitious target but I keep thinking I’m going to try to aim to have cards cleared Dec 2021 keep finding bits to sell etc keep with budget should have some extra money to throw at them. Would be really nice to think starting 2022 could be clear of those. ‘Just’ the RR balloon to deal with / keep getting the projects and sort the PGs out. After that just building on what we have, past over.

RelievedSheff

You have reminded me that we still have some unwanted boat stuff to sort out and sell on Ebay. Must get around to this at some point as it would be a fair chunk of money to pay off a card.