First Steps to Solvency

Onebrokelady

So you had a blip in your spending, just return the items and move on. I bet most people on here have done the same thing. I've done it a few times ,the most important thing about it is you have realised the mistake and can rectify it, how about an paying for an experience for your wife instead of an object, my daughters have been badgering me for ideas for Christmas for weeks and I told them both I didn't want anything apart from a couple of books, what I really really want is money so I can go riding when we are allowed, horses are my weakness so any way  to get to riding is good for me, they don't like to give me money though because it used to end up being spent on unexpected bills, not anymore because  I have a budget and savings to cover everything, mind you like you with cars  I have to regularly have a talk with myself when I catch myself looking at horses for sale, lots of them are the same price as my emergency fund 🙀

getmore4less

Horses are worse than cars because you can't SORN a horse to reduce the running costs and they still need regular exercise.

Willowtree222

You might not have realised it but waking up regretting it and returning it is a massive step. 
Most of us on here have done something similar. 
I get the pressure all the time. A lot of my family can't believe I can have a good time if I'm not drinking. I prefer to drive and not be reliant on taxis etc. 
If you like cooking then that's one why to occupy the time off work. It'll be a few hours for you. Can you bake? Maybe make some cakes or gingerbread with your son. You could even make your own bread. 

alt80

Variable spends: £560/1550.

No alcohol tonight, got the HIIT workout done, been on chill app twice not letting myself get angry and helped wife with roast. No time to spend any money lol.

Sounds a bit pathetic but told her I’d like to go with them on Saturday morning dog walk etc or work basically if I’m not working need to do something to keep my mind off spending. Just need a bit of help not to do it but wife thinks it’s hilarious don’t need a babysitter to stop me from spending just keep the wallet in pocket.

Returned everything. Second time I’ve done this in less than a month now - incredibly embarrassing being in person this time ha so hopefully learned the lesson but needed to be done and they don’t know why tbf. Wife practically begging me not to buy her anything - been on account and knew what I bought for me didn’t cost £520 so massive lecture and return. I’ve told her I want to buy her something and all she can say is we don’t need to do gifts this year, yeah also that she’s sold similar stuff so not bothered about it etc. Even when I told her we’re going to come in under budget for variables with no spends her response good that’ll be extra off the cards FML hardly a Christmas present paying money off a credit card but she’s properly serious about this. I am too but do feel I’m not so poor I can’t treat my wife at Christmas tbh. Even said to her it’s affecting my self worth and it is tbh all she can say to that is one to talk through with your counsellor lol. Probably true, maybe it’s a good sign she doesn’t want anything def not who I thought she was re money sad it’s taken this for me to realise that.

Cinema was ok, something a bit different. Wife said she prefers my cinema experience at home but got us out of the house tbf. Son was excited to go, enjoyed it so a win there and worth it. Think he enjoyed the Santa hat hunt even more, kept hiding them told him we can’t go unless he can find them lol. He’s really not much trouble, think both wife and I are very lucky to have him and he’s very cheap to run generally apart from school. Know every parent says this but he’s got a heart of gold, really kind to others and just loves life. Could learn a lot from him tbh. Cinema served refreshments came to car which was a bit odd, I don’t like eating in the car at all so we just had hot chocolate - £10 spent so cinema trip all in for less than money I got back from RR auto renew. Wanted £1 for a couple of marshmallows thrown in a hot choc not even nice ones just those small ones son was set on them so classic do you think money grows on trees dad line moment. I’m quite strict when son wants stupid stuff but wife usually can’t stop laughing every time I say something like that to him. Yeah I know why lol. 

I knew reaction on here wouldn’t be great to spending tbh but it did kick start the accountability/ buyers remorse a bit seeing the numbers trying to convince myself I could still stick to the variables budget - wouldn’t have happened I know. Considered just lying about the variable spends when I posted yesterday but no point in doing that. Good and bad, I put it up for accountability know I’ve put up far worse stuff than spending a few quid and regretting it. Initial buyer remorse kicked in when I worked out less than £500 for rest of month tbh so seeing figures is working also. 

I really need to keep working on sorting my lifestyle out not just spending but some general attitudes I have, sometimes read back and think this is def a journey I need to be on for my family, son deserves someone better than me as a role model. Like it or not he is going to get some kind of influence from me and I 100 don’t want him to be where I am mentally when he’s 40 - not just debt, other stuff I’m battling with too. I’m having further counselling for other self destructive behaviours - substance abuse mainly. I’ve realised it’s really not healthy turning to drugs when things are bad, actually scared myself a bit a few weeks ago, it got quite bad, saw how it could become a much worse habit and not a road I want to go down more important it’s not something I want my son growing up with or wife dealing with. 

Ashamed doesn’t come close real wake up call re sorting my life out not being able to spend made it spiral very much aware living life the way I have been really isn’t attractive at my age with a family, lot of things I should have grown out of. This lunchtime massive cravings for it, low about the spends let myself down and then get the cravings for that. Spent time playing with my son rather than being a disgrace. Actually wound up having a nice afternoon with family pleased about that. I’ve come closer to losing my family over my behaviour than I wanted to admit FIL actually chose to help me idk why but my wife was ready to go to her parents’ with our son, she’s always had a massive problem with drug use. Irony is my parents would have told her to run a !!!!!! mile. Not like I’ve ever smoked crack or anything but my mum and dad wouldn’t see the difference. Always thought in-laws would take great pleasure in persuading wife to leave me over the debt never mind the other stuff, one of the main reasons I never told her about it and refinanced the last lot without telling her. Admitted to myself, family and in counselling I’ve very much used the fact I earn well to justify some of the stuff I’ve done to myself and others. For a long time in my head it made it all ok, just a stress reliever, no one is perfect or whatever can’t do it any longer need to improve myself for my family. That’s why I returned the stuff, still doing the figures everyday, working on the right things. Better actions hopefully become better habits. There with business too, best December in five years, new project, not burying my head in the sand about the development block, future to look forward to not just another fast car or weekend out etc. Had been thinking about dealing with the debt on and off for a long time but knew it would be very difficult and couldn’t face it. Probably going to look back on this as one of the best things I’ve done I think in the future if I stick with it.

Willowtree222

Just reading that shows a different you. You returned everything which is a massive step. 
I guess your wife isn't after what you thought she was. I hope you see that despite the fact she knows the truth now, she is still around, and still there to to support and help you through this. Selling her things, suggesting low cost things like the car etc. She must think you are deserving. 
Glad the cinema was ok. Your son will remember that as something different. 
You will look back on this in a few months. If you keep going, you will be in a much stronger financial position, which will hopefully impact your mental health in a positive way. 
It will get easier and more like habit. It just takes time. 

Sarahwithlove

To your family your time and attention is worth more than any money you can provide for them and it seems you are starting to realise that they can start to fill that void for you too if you allow them. Well done on taking it all back it's so much easier to return stuff in the post then in person so you did well. Next time you feel the need to go out for a spend come on here and choose someones diary to start reading I find it helps distract me. 

enthusiasticsaver

Great the stuff is returned. Even better you can now see that your wife is not with you for the things you buy her. She wants a happy healthy family with a nice home and financial security. You know her breaking point and that is substance abuse so if you can't keep away from that then you need to get help from your GP/counsellor. 

Your son is young so you have plenty of time to be a good a good role model for him. Spending time with him is a good start. Maybe plan a day out in the Christmas holidays for just you and him. 

alt80

Thanks - want / need to carry on making progress. Glad the stuff went back now tbh. Thanks for suggestions- still don’t know whether to get something (cheaper) she’d like anything fitness related or might just find some new recipes, buy ingredients and we can cook them together. She likes food/ cooking. Whoever said baking yes could do that not something we have regularly as not great for health really - she’s a lot more bothered about that than me. Suppose I just see not spending much as lame/ admission I have nothing to give her. Maybe it is my issue rather than how it is.

Guilt terrible this morning know it will only get worse if I give in with the self destructive stuff. So carrying on with exercise, plan to watch Christmas film with wife and son later (surprise for him, proper hot choc with big marshmallows toasted over fire) and work. All should distract my mind which I need. 

Anger was at stupid levels again this morning - Christmas market shut down here then hear there’s going to be a card for covid vaccine but no way to pay for it - 100 they’ll introduce can only come in if you’ve had vaccine in some places. That’s not fair when you can’t even choose to get it done IMO.

@enthusiasticsaver not something I want to carry on with either, comes a point when it’s not about a good time it’s probably time to call it a day. I’d been thinking past week or so ok on a night out etc but tbh think the time has come to just stop it altogether. Justifying it as don’t go out that much anymore- def not worth throwing my marriage away for it though Not that there’s much going on in terms of nights out still lol so who knows when we can go out again. 

Meant to say yes definitely plan to get out with son and dog over Christmas holiday - similar to October he loved that but go somewhere else.

Willowtree222

The buying ingredients and cooking together sounds like a lovely idea. It's time with each other. 
An odd baking treat might be good too. 
The film and toasted marshmallows sounds lovely. Your son will definitely love that.
Christmas is a hard time to get things sorted. It's notoriously the most expensive time. If you can do it through this one, then you can do it through any. 

alt80

Two £20 items sold. Few weeks ago wouldn’t have even bothered but it’s £40 off cards, will update figures later.

Variables will be up today - food shop and start food shop for Christmas. Told in-laws if they want to buy food they can do for Boxing Day as I’m doing Christmas Day now. MIL asked if I was sure that’s a good idea and if I even know how to cook a roast fml she’s got low expectations. I didn’t grow up with a chef as a father to arrive at uni only being able to make beans on toast and live through my 20s eating microwave meals ha. 

@Nicnak thanks. Yeah agreed re Christmas we usually go mad. Only reason it’s cost hardly anything is my wife starts Christmas shopping for son in about August, not even joking she’s obsessed decs would be up when they go back to school if she had her way so had more than enough for son for ages lol. Agreed to stick to a budget for next year lot less but tbh a lot of stuff for son did go unused.