First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

I wrote and deleted a post twice berating you for spends yesterday so I am glad you are thinking again. I would return the purse too and get in the habit of buying something small for Christmas as a gift for your wife rather than these flashy overpriced designer goods. Set a spending limit. No doubt she has sold many over the last few months for a fraction of what you paid for them and she will see as she can check the accounts. 

SpendthriftKaty

alt80 said:

Didn’t lose it with wife well I did but not anger. Been on the healthline this morning didn’t sleep well and having some very dark thoughts. Knowing that you’re a worthless person and 100 don’t deserve what you have is a horrible place to be but I feel worse I’ve dragged my family through this. Always thought my wife only wanted a lifestyle really that was all me. Knowing I’ve pushed her into having surgical procedures in the past for her to think that’s the only way I’d love her and want to stay with her kills me. Never has been the case. Put spending money above spending time with my son and wife for as long as they’ve been in my life, 100 I don’t deserve to have them. Spoke to my FIL this morning I get why he’s always hated me just wants his daughter to have a nice life with someone who loves her I wouldn’t want my son to end up with someone like me either. Hope he realises I hate myself probably more than he hates me.

The numbers I can deal with, put right. Can’t put how I’ve treated my family right.

Hi, I’ve not posted on your diary before but been reading it for the last week or so. It seems you’re on quite a journey with more than just debt. I think you are brave to be confronting this and its so understandable that it’s hard at times. Change is hard, and it takes time. You are being a good role model for your son by going through this process too, he will learn one day when he’s old enough for you to share your journey with him that it’s ok to need support and seek it, he will also learn that it’s never too late to change things if you really want to. I know it’s tough but try to have some compassion for the parts of yourself that wanted money and things, as it sounds like those were perhaps fulfilling other emotional needs. Compassion doesn’t let us off the hook, nor does it allow us to carry on doing things that are unhelpful or hurtful, but it does allow us to accept and understand why we are where we are. You’ve made loads of progress. Don’t allow that inner critic to make you lose focus now, because it is 100% possible to create a different life for yourself. 

alt80

@enthusiasticsaver did cross my mind this morning she might think it an unthoughtful gift... here have this new purse can store the numerous credit cards inside that I’ve ran debts up with and remoed our investments to !!!!!! about with money I haven’t earned. FML.

Just wanted to get her something, spending £50 or whatever not really fair when the debt is not really her fault IMO. Honestly no idea why she sticks with me lol.

Ambivalence is killing me at the moment - dont know what to do for the best. Can’t go through my life never spending anything, just not for me but really important to me to get out from this mess. 100 sounds crazy when I can’t keep my wallet in my pocket but feel I’m getting to an age, want to set wife and I up for life not spaffing it all up the wall. Considering not even moving tbh. Always had the mentality I’ll sort it when I ‘earn well’. Not sure where that level was in my head but I do earn well for round here and still can’t grow up, get the mess sorted and really consider what I’m buying. Realised there’s stuff I don’t really need in my life anymore at this age haha but do still want to live well/ you no doubt think this is something I can never afford but I do still want an AM. Need to wait until RR clear and someone on here said I could probably do with a break from sports cars angry driving / whatever think it was you. Probably true tbf.

alt80

@SpendthriftKaty yeah not denied the mindset is why I’ve got into debt. Always been in debt tbh this lot of cards actually not anywhere near as bad as it’s been before. Realised I need to sort it though. 

Haha I don’t really see myself telling my son about it. Not been the best role model, granted but he doesn’t need to ever know what an idiot I am or that I’ve definitely got mental issues.

Still 100 want money and things. I’d do absolutely anything to have limitless funds. Not a thing I wouldn’t do. At some point though need to admit probably not going to make it. Definitely not going to get to the super yacht level. Fleet of super cars not going to happen either. Always wanted to look successful in business I suppose, need to face I’m doing ok but never really going to get there I think. Not to say I’m going to stop working on it, just can’t see that level for me - make peace with it.

enthusiasticsaver

alt80 said:

@enthusiasticsaver did cross my mind this morning she might think it an unthoughtful gift... here have this new purse can store the numerous credit cards inside that I’ve ran debts up with and remoed our investments to !!!!!! about with money I haven’t earned. FML.

Just wanted to get her something, spending £50 or whatever not really fair when the debt is not really her fault IMO. Honestly no idea why she sticks with me lol.

Ambivalence is killing me at the moment - dont know what to do for the best. Can’t go through my life never spending anything, just not for me but really important to me to get out from this mess. 100 sounds crazy when I can’t keep my wallet in my pocket but feel I’m getting to an age, want to set wife and I up for life not spaffing it all up the wall. Considering not even moving tbh. Always had the mentality I’ll sort it when I ‘earn well’. Not sure where that level was in my head but I do earn well for round here and still can’t grow up, get the mess sorted and really consider what I’m buying. Realised there’s stuff I don’t really need in my life anymore at this age haha but do still want to live well/ you no doubt think this is something I can never afford but I do still want an AM. Need to wait until RR clear and someone on here said I could probably do with a break from sports cars angry driving / whatever think it was you. Probably true tbf.

The thing is that the amount you or anyone spends on gifts  bears no resemblance to how we feel about our loved ones. Your wife knows that. She is not bothered about the amount you spend in the sense it does not have to be expensive and she really does not want to go through this again so sorting your head out would be the best present you can give her. That is clear. A small thoughtful gift within budget would please her most. Maybe some nice smellies  or a book if she is into reading or scarf, gloves etc for when she is out walking the dogs. Nothing wrong with a £50 budget. They don't need to be designer. Just good quality and functional and relevant to her life now. She sounds like she is into healthy eating and fitness so something for her in that line? 

You are getting it and then every so every so often these thoughts come into your head which override the good stuff. You are not worthless just because you can't spend unlimited amounts of money or don't have a yacht or super fleet of cars. I have said at the outset that your values are skewed and I don't doubt that is your Dads influence and his friends maybe when you were growing up. Focus on your wife, her family and your sister as she sounds like she has her head screwed on. 

ryanm8655

enthusiasticsaver said:

I wrote and deleted a post twice berating you for spends yesterday so I am glad you are thinking again. I would return the purse too and get in the habit of buying something small for Christmas as a gift for your wife rather than these flashy overpriced designer goods. Set a spending limit. No doubt she has sold many over the last few months for a fraction of what you paid for them and she will see as she can check the accounts. 

I did the same actually haha.

But actually so glad I didn’t @alt80, as you’ve got there yourself. That is progress right there.

Agree re: purse, having sold similar. Something smaller, showing you’re committed to this, I’d personally appreciate more. Especially something thoughtful. Maybe something you can do as a family? Or something fitness related for the wife? Not necessarily expensive and flashy but something that shows you care about her interests. Though you know your wife so maybe the purse would do the trick, ha.

ladyholly

Return the things you bought and then find something very inexpensive for your wife as you really want to give her something. I dont know what she likes but have you thought of something funny if she has a sense of humour like a car cleaning kit wrapped in newspaper or similar. If you don't think it would make her laugh a simple bouquet of flowers to say thank you for her support. Not one of the expensive ones just a 10 or 20 pound one from your local florist if you have one or supermarket if you haven't.  I am sure you can think of something that she will like without breaking the budget. 

Legs21

What about something like this: 

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/760304518/10-reasons-why-i-love-you-personalised?ref=hp_rv-6&frs=1

getmore4less

So you have both spent October and  November flogging of spare bags purses clothes and stuff  and now in Dec you go out and buy something at the pricy end.

MY first thought there is something you can flog in Jan/Feb to get your numbers back up.

What is a little disappointing is that you went into town and got new.

There is loads of second hand nearly new unused/used once stuff  out there(a lot of it yours) why did you not have a well considered look at what there is available out there in the market and think about?

It's not the money that's the issue you have enough, well thought through spending is allowed in the budget and it is Xmas so a some allocated is not a problem just adds a bit of time on the end.

You let that instant fix don't think about it monster get the better of you(this time) 

Onebrokelady

Legs21 said:

What about something like this: 

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/760304518/10-reasons-why-i-love-you-personalised?ref=hp_rv-6&frs=1

I like this 😊