First Steps to Solvency

alt80

Definitely would rather go for dinner, still can’t here. Wife isn’t a massive cinema fan either tbf I think she wants to do something a bit different and going a bit crazy being home.

Yeah I’ve spent too long not finding pleasure in making my son happy. Not been in a good place tonight after he went to bed wife triggered it telling me he loves the time we spend together. Wasn’t her fault for saying it, just know I’ve been really selfish and not good enough for them and knowing I can’t change what’s been. Now living on a strict budget because of my debts and living with the realisation of not being a very good person.

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Definitely would rather go for dinner, still can’t here. Wife isn’t a massive cinema fan either tbf I think she wants to do something a bit different and going a bit crazy being home.

Yeah I’ve spent too long not finding pleasure in making my son happy. Not been in a good place tonight after he went to bed wife triggered it telling me he loves the time we spend together. Wasn’t her fault for saying it, just know I’ve been really selfish and not good enough for them and knowing I can’t change what’s been. Now living on a strict budget because of my debts and living with the realisation of not being a very good person.

I think what you need to try to change is how you react to these kinds of comments. I do it too so I get where you’re coming from but counselling helped me to understand “it’s not them it’s me” effectively and it reflects how I feel about myself rather than what others are thinking/saying about me. That sounds like a really nice thing for your wife to say and it sounds like she’s saying actually all your son wants from you is you. It’s a tough but to crack though but possibly something to discuss at counselling. Once you crack that nut you’ll still get those feelings from time to time but they won’t be so all consuming.

I know you can’t forget the past but try not to let that be your focus, focus on what you are giving your son now. A lot of kids would love to have a dad like you’re being at the moment.

Like a lot of diaries, this is more than just a debt journey and you’re smashing it on all fronts given how long you’ve been at this. 

Willowtree222

Agree that is her telling you that your time is enough. He obviously is loving it. What's done is done and can't be changed, but the future can. I know it's so easy to say that and I'm just as guilty of thinking about the past, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
You are changing it all now. Just keep going. You've changed so much already. 

getmore4less

Agree this is a supportive comment.

It is a bit ironic that most of your life you have been search for validation with bigger house, flash cars and splashing the cash.....
Now you get validations for just being  you all you see is the negative.

alt80

Didn’t lose it with wife well I did but not anger. Been on the healthline this morning didn’t sleep well and having some very dark thoughts. Knowing that you’re a worthless person and 100 don’t deserve what you have is a horrible place to be but I feel worse I’ve dragged my family through this. Always thought my wife only wanted a lifestyle really that was all me. Knowing I’ve pushed her into having surgical procedures in the past for her to think that’s the only way I’d love her and want to stay with her kills me. Never has been the case. Put spending money above spending time with my son and wife for as long as they’ve been in my life, 100 I don’t deserve to have them. Spoke to my FIL this morning I get why he’s always hated me just wants his daughter to have a nice life with someone who loves her I wouldn’t want my son to end up with someone like me either. Hope he realises I hate myself probably more than he hates me.

The numbers I can deal with, put right. Can’t put how I’ve treated my family right.

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Didn’t lose it with wife well I did but not anger. Been on the healthline this morning didn’t sleep well and having some very dark thoughts. Knowing that you’re a worthless person and 100 don’t deserve what you have is a horrible place to be but I feel worse I’ve dragged my family through this. Always thought my wife only wanted a lifestyle really that was all me. Knowing I’ve pushed her into having surgical procedures in the past for her to think that’s the only way I’d love her and want to stay with her kills me. Never has been the case. Put spending money above spending time with my son and wife for as long as they’ve been in my life, 100 I don’t deserve to have them. Spoke to my FIL this morning I get why he’s always hated me just wants his daughter to have a nice life with someone who loves her I wouldn’t want my son to end up with someone like me either. Hope he realises I hate myself probably more than he hates me.

The numbers I can deal with, put right. Can’t put how I’ve treated my family right.

Yes you can: re: the family. They're willing you to do so! Don't give up, be the man/husband/father you want to be!

Have you spoken to GP about getting some sleep meds/antidepressants? It does sound like you're a bit bipolar (obviously things come across differently when writing) so take that with a pinch of salt. You don't need to hate yourself, just learn from your mistakes, I've made plenty...

RelievedSheff

You can't change what has happened in the past but you can change what will happen going forward. Your family clearly love you dearly and appreciate the time spent with them. You can't buy their happiness but you can spend quality time with them and make happy memories that will last a lifetime.

You are very hard on yourself and however much you feel that is deserved it can't or won't change the past.

Sarahwithlove

Your son is still young and you have time to put it right and are doing so now and that's what your wife is focusing on and it's what you need to do. You can't change the past you can only learn from it. Your son won't remember all the things you didn't do with him only the things you are doing with him now so make those moments as special as possible and forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made in the past or you will never be able to have the life you family and secretly I think you want, you just don't feel you deserve it so sabatoge yourself. 

ladyholly

Time with your family is priceless but don't hate yourself for the past. That can't be changed but the future is unwritten and you know what will make them happy going forward. I dont think Iyour FIL hates you, if he did he wouldn't still be talking to you. All he wants is the best for his daughter and grandson. You have come such a long way I for one have so much admiration for you. 

alt80

Not giving up, do want to sort my life out. Was not looking forward to gym this morning but did it.

My RR insurance auto renewed (old policy) so need to chase that up, just noticed DD went out of account. Few months ago would have hardly cared, some progress I suppose there.

Know the past can’t be changed can only work on being better for the future easier said than done sometimes. Something my dad said ages ago he wished he’d sorted himself out, paid the mortgages etc, sold the business and retired to Greece rather than still be working - harder than ever for him ha and have !!!!!! all. Not gonna lie I’ve thought it must be nice to be living in a different culture, less temptations etc they’ve not even had a car in 16 years lol and not even that bothered, got the beach etc and a (very small) boat @RelievedSheff haha but not so extravagant out there. Know my work isn’t the sort of graft theirs is but can see I will probably want this to be a bit more passive when I’m 65/70 and road I was going down could have ended up !!!!!! it all up. Been considering being honest with the parents, they think I’m some sort of millionaire living the lifestyle etc but sustainably. My fault, I send them pics of property deals not of the finance though haha. They’ve no clue how leveraged I am and it’s awkward when I speak to them and they’re asking me when I’m going to buy that AM - my dad asks me if I’m swapping the ftype every time I speak to them. Wife’s like you need to tell him you haven’t even got that car anymore ha. Promise her I will but don’t just say to my dad that I’m waiting for the right deal. Last time I spoke to him he said he reckoned I’d be dealing on a DBS next year FML.

@ryanm8655 the sleep has generally been a bit better, know that affects me badly. I’m under two lots of counselling ha, GP appts regularly will see after Christmas re going on the pills seeing if things settle a bit first as I’d rather not. My understanding of bipolar is the lows being followed by natural highs, not really the case for me - only ‘healthy’ thing I get high on is making deals happen. Rest of the time its spending obscene amounts of money or using substances. Generally pessimistic about everything but business but trying to see the positive in other stuff.