First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

alt80 said:

Not thinking about doing anything anytime soon at all. Need to sort the finances out. Tbf on reflection would probably be better for my family if I spend the next ten years sorting everything out then just divorce wife let her stay here, give her vast majority of income / portfolio and at least be around for my son. Live in a rubbish house for them, forget about the cars. Nothing is ever going to be enough for me so why bother but no need to punish family. Genuinely think she’d be happier with someone else and in-laws happy for her etc. Son would be practically an adult so wouldn’t affect him not exactly unusual for parents to divorce.

I send them away so they can have time away from me and not in the right headspace to mentor - who the !!!!!! needs advice from me lol. Car people not interested don’t want anything to do with them I don’t have a car so no point. Work only thing that matters or I wouldn’t be able to provide a lifestyle so have to put my time into that. Not going to get beyond maybe next level so no real point trying too hard I get that’s what you’re all saying I’m not good enough to have 100 strong portfolio 7 fig res home etc. I’ll be pushing 50 anyway so no point in looking at AMs etc anyway would just be some sad old man with first AM. Great. 

Stress levels don’t really matter does it? Not going to achieve my goals anyway as everyone points out so have a heart attack not end of world really.

To be clear no one has said you cannot reach your goals or reach the level you want to.  You have said that, not us.  You are 40, not 80 so you can still reach your goals but probably not in 2 years. You need a sustainable financial plan.  I am assuming if you earn as much as you say then you have plenty to offer re mentoring etc. It just seems like you are writing your life and your family off for the mistakes you have made.  I want to shake some sense into you honestly.  Stress does matter and a heart attack is a massive thing so don't wish that on yourself. As for not having a car - you have more than £100k sat on your driveway!!!!!

You definitely need an appointment with your counsellor. 

Onebrokelady

Arrrggghhhh you are now actually sounding like a spoilt little boy who can't have what he wants wants it now and  has stamped his feet while having a tantrum, I've read your whole diary and the only person on here who has said you are not good enough is you, I can't believe you are this bullheaded not to see what is right in front of you. You can have it all But you just need to wait a few years, get your business head on and deal with the problems you have at this moment in time, from where I'm coming from you have got it all already you just don't appreciate it. I'm actually beginning to think this is a wind up because nobody could fail to see that everyone here is trying to help you, I need to stop reading before my stress levels cause me to have a heart attack, Im sorry if this comes across as uncaring and rude but I think someone needs to say it, I am now out of here for my own good,good luck to you you can actually do everything you want to you just need to play the long game and wait 

alt80

This afternoon I went on a complete mental ranting at wife. Totally out of it but sober. Wife made me write down everything on my mind, solid 5 pages of A4. No wonder I’m not thinking straight and she’s fed up of my ranting. Wound up laughing at half of it myself! She’s right I’m not well obsessing about earnings constantly, putting the current financial mess right and how to get to next level. It’s madness. Talking so much !!!!!! she thought I’d been spending my time using drugs whilst she’s been out. Almost wish I had been would explain my behaviour. She’s gone out with son and dog now I should have gone with them only writing this to stop myself doing something else stupid.

When I started trying to make a real effort on the debts, I also wanted to make a real effort with the family get to the point of enjoying where I am with my life and family time etc. Know it would be good for me and I think good for business too. Enjoy mentoring those at the start of their careers but just freaking out now I’m going to !!!!!! someone else’s life up the way I have mine not even about money more about the mental health stuff. Fear the same for my son too. Told wife that’s why I avoid them complete !!!!!! breakdown. Putting myself under a stupid amount of pressure to right the financial stuff, deny myself having anything because I deserve to be punished in my head then that doesn’t work, work on the business which gets neglected right now because I can’t sleep and get my head together. Staff are running it all practically really proud of their efforts and smashing targets despite everything. Obsess about the money - feel it’s all I can offer to anyone. Done some !!!!!! awful things never hurt my wife physically I pray to god I never will but think I’ve probably been emotionally abusive over the years no respect etc. Don’t know how I can move on don’t think I deserve to really which sets me off on another round of rage and feeling only way to be better is to earn more / get a bigger res home / bigger portfolio / business etc so I can at least give something back.

Going through the motions with the counselling but it’s more difficult than I’ve made out just want to run away from it all coming to terms with what a **** I am is awful. I was 100 using spending as a way to cope likewise substances from time to time. Don’t sleep properly, drink coffee through the day and on edge for all the caffeine I’ve consumed 8-10 cups a day then only way to relax a bit is to make my way through more alcohol than I should most nights. !!!!!! madness but convinced myself it’s better than the spending. 

I’ve been telling myself I’m a failure especially since ftype went. Relieved in a way because I’m not overspending but feels like my world has turned upsidedown I’ve always had a fun car even early 20s. Spoilt brat 100% I know. Last time I went out in it with my son I thought cars were something I could share with him. He likes cars and football. Can’t even take him to football with lockdown. Now just feel haunted he likes cars because wife doesn’t really so in my head he gets it from me. Want to get an XJS enjoy doing some car stuff, watching some racing, few meet ups, drive outs. Can’t even afford to do that. Told my mate with the MG to !!!!!! as he sent me a message saying after lockdown could go for a run in cars and I could drive his MGB as he knows my son likes it. In my head he was trying to shame me and I went on a drugs binge. Know he wasn’t trying to shame me but I shamed myself with that reaction.

Did great with the fitness over lockdown 1 with wife. I got back into running and using the gym. Some gains and sustainable buzzes breaking some PBs also something to share with wife together as a couple. Throwing that away too now.

She used to help with some stuff in business I’ve drove her away from helping raging she could potentially take some credit for where we are in life. See it as my only achievement and she can take some of that away from me she’s always been very supportive and I’ve not had to think about anything but my business life so yes she’s helped me get where I am. I just never wanted to admit it. Got some good ideas for new project and she’s been speaking to my sister who’s done drawings. I lost it because my sister moved a stud wall after wife had a good idea and it works really well but I couldn’t deal with the fact my wife had influence. Had a bit of a falling out with sister when she told me I’m losing the plot. Don’t get my head together soon and I will turn back to the spending and I will lose the plot I know. 

Wife’s told me before we go to bed we’re planning our coming week out together with the exercise, time for business, time for family etc. Need it I know and need to get the mental health stuff under control. Don’t deserve her know that much or deserve the fact I’m doing ok in life plenty of better people with less than me. 

Spent ten minutes facing the finances again not looking too bad just not cleared the £5k I wanted to this month with lack of sales which has wound me up. Kept well below groceries - lockdown effect as counts coffee out etc too. Entertainment over but more than cleared with the wife selling the coat. Sell one more £100 item and out of the o/d before budget reset. Things are not that bad for me I know worst thing is my own mental state and it’s holding me back. Wife’s told me I need to get back on the chill app first thing before working and last thing before bed think she’s right. Can’t put a halt on clearing the debts I need to get them gone sort myself out.

RelievedSheff

Stop being so hard on yourself. You have come so far since you started this journey. Just read your first posts and your posts now.

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

This afternoon I went on a complete mental ranting at wife. Totally out of it but sober. Wife made me write down everything on my mind, solid 5 pages of A4. No wonder I’m not thinking straight and she’s fed up of my ranting. Wound up laughing at half of it myself! She’s right I’m not well obsessing about earnings constantly, putting the current financial mess right and how to get to next level. It’s madness. Talking so much !!!!!! she thought I’d been spending my time using drugs whilst she’s been out. Almost wish I had been would explain my behaviour. She’s gone out with son and dog now I should have gone with them only writing this to stop myself doing something else stupid.

When I started trying to make a real effort on the debts, I also wanted to make a real effort with the family get to the point of enjoying where I am with my life and family time etc. Know it would be good for me and I think good for business too. Enjoy mentoring those at the start of their careers but just freaking out now I’m going to !!!!!! someone else’s life up the way I have mine not even about money more about the mental health stuff. Fear the same for my son too. Told wife that’s why I avoid them complete !!!!!! breakdown. Putting myself under a stupid amount of pressure to right the financial stuff, deny myself having anything because I deserve to be punished in my head then that doesn’t work, work on the business which gets neglected right now because I can’t sleep and get my head together. Staff are running it all practically really proud of their efforts and smashing targets despite everything. Obsess about the money - feel it’s all I can offer to anyone. Done some !!!!!! awful things never hurt my wife physically I pray to god I never will but think I’ve probably been emotionally abusive over the years no respect etc. Don’t know how I can move on don’t think I deserve to really which sets me off on another round of rage and feeling only way to be better is to earn more / get a bigger res home / bigger portfolio / business etc so I can at least give something back.

Going through the motions with the counselling but it’s more difficult than I’ve made out just want to run away from it all coming to terms with what a **** I am is awful. I was 100 using spending as a way to cope likewise substances from time to time. Don’t sleep properly, drink coffee through the day and on edge for all the caffeine I’ve consumed 8-10 cups a day then only way to relax a bit is to make my way through more alcohol than I should most nights. !!!!!! madness but convinced myself it’s better than the spending. 

I’ve been telling myself I’m a failure especially since ftype went. Relieved in a way because I’m not overspending but feels like my world has turned upsidedown I’ve always had a fun car even early 20s. Spoilt brat 100% I know. Last time I went out in it with my son I thought cars were something I could share with him. He likes cars and football. Can’t even take him to football with lockdown. Now just feel haunted he likes cars because wife doesn’t really so in my head he gets it from me. Want to get an XJS enjoy doing some car stuff, watching some racing, few meet ups, drive outs. Can’t even afford to do that. Told my mate with the MG to !!!!!! as he sent me a message saying after lockdown could go for a run in cars and I could drive his MGB as he knows my son likes it. In my head he was trying to shame me and I went on a drugs binge. Know he wasn’t trying to shame me but I shamed myself with that reaction.

Did great with the fitness over lockdown 1 with wife. I got back into running and using the gym. Some gains and sustainable buzzes breaking some PBs also something to share with wife together as a couple. Throwing that away too now.

She used to help with some stuff in business I’ve drove her away from helping raging she could potentially take some credit for where we are in life. See it as my only achievement and she can take some of that away from me she’s always been very supportive and I’ve not had to think about anything but my business life so yes she’s helped me get where I am. I just never wanted to admit it. Got some good ideas for new project and she’s been speaking to my sister who’s done drawings. I lost it because my sister moved a stud wall after wife had a good idea and it works really well but I couldn’t deal with the fact my wife had influence. Had a bit of a falling out with sister when she told me I’m losing the plot. Don’t get my head together soon and I will turn back to the spending and I will lose the plot I know. 

Wife’s told me before we go to bed we’re planning our coming week out together with the exercise, time for business, time for family etc. Need it I know and need to get the mental health stuff under control. Don’t deserve her know that much or deserve the fact I’m doing ok in life plenty of better people with less than me. 

Spent ten minutes facing the finances again not looking too bad just not cleared the £5k I wanted to this month with lack of sales which has wound me up. Kept well below groceries - lockdown effect as counts coffee out etc too. Entertainment over but more than cleared with the wife selling the coat. Sell one more £100 item and out of the o/d before budget reset. Things are not that bad for me I know worst thing is my own mental state and it’s holding me back. Wife’s told me I need to get back on the chill app first thing before working and last thing before bed think she’s right. Can’t put a halt on clearing the debts I need to get them gone sort myself out.

This is a tough read so can only imagine how tough it is to live with all of this racing around your head.

I thought I mentally torture myself sometimes but you’re really hard on yourself. When I had my blowout a few months back the anxiety was crippling. If it hadn’t gone on after a few days I was seriously considering going to the gp and getting something for it. I really think you need to do the same for both you and your family. You’re clearly in a dark place and it’s not just because of the debt or not having the f-type. It seems to run far deeper than that. The debt is a symptom rather than the cause.

I’d drop your mate a message/give him a call to apologise. Seems like a good friend and you need those in life.

Appreciate it’s difficult when you’re in the moment but you need to try not to flip out at people when you project your own thoughts and feelings onto them and draw things from what they’re saying that just aren’t there. Try and remember that it’s your issue not theirs. This is exactly what I’ve found counselling helps with. I often do the same in terms of thinking people dislike me/think I’m stupid/are mocking me but I’ve learned to recognise that it’s just me overthinking things because of my own insecurities. The feelings don’t go away but I can now recognise them and understand them for what they are, which then means I can manage them.

Mental health doesn’t care who you are and depression would explain why you aren’t happier about the things you do have. As I’ve said many times, I see a lot of myself in how you are (nothing ever being enough etc.) and could imagine myself being the same in your shoes. So this isn’t judgement or trying to belittle you in anyway.

Get to the GP, be open and honest about how you’re feeling, the lack of sleep etc. And get something to help with the reset.

Also bear in mind it can take a couple of weeks for your serotonin levels to recover after the white stuff, so that won’t be helping, though you were clearly in a low state already. Booze is no good either, I’d take a break from it for a week or so if you can. That’s what I did when I had my little episode, a month off the booze to reset my mind. I’m beginning to question whether drinking is even worth it tbh. Had a few drinks last night and have felt crap all day.

enthusiasticsaver

You have to get your head together before you alienate everyone in your life. Your wife is right and good idea to get you to put all that stuff in writing. I could not stand this constant obsession of self flagellation, feeling that others are trying to shame you or take credit away from you or telling you that you are a failure. It is all in your head and for your health you have to change the narrative.  

Good that finances are not too bad. You are doing well so why are you being so hard on yourself and your wife? She must be a saint putting up with all that ranting. Sounds like your mate was trying to help and keep you occupied which is what you need. Too much time to go over these things in your head is causing you to say and do things you will regret. Sounds like a few apologies are needed. 

Willowtree222

You value your self worth against your money, what you have and what you earn. 
There are two things that changed my life
1) lying in a hospital bed with a 50/50 chance of survival at the age of 35 with a 5 year old. At no point during that hospital stay did I think, I wish I had a bigger house, better car, or more money in the bank. I wondered if my 5 year odl would have some lovely memories with me. 
2) Watching my gran in a hospital bed at the end of her life. She died in a room with absolutely nothing that belonged to her, not even the gown she was wearing. Possessions and houses, and cars were of no help to her then. Her family surrounding her were her only comfort. 
I was lucky that that happened to me so young so I can spend the remainder of my years living a life in a completely different way to how I was living it. 
You have faced up to your debt and now you have choices. Continue to measure your worth against what you have and own, and you are likely to end up old, still not satisfied and spending a lot of time alone because you have alienated yourself from anyone who has ever tried to help you
or
See those things for what they are. Things. They don't define you, or who you are, but you are letting them. 
Define your self worth on how happy you and your family are together. 
You love time with them by the sounds of your post. Having more doesn't guarantee you that time. 
I sincerely hope you find the peace inside yourself as you are torturing yourself so much more than you need to. 

ladyholly

Doesn't the fact your wife is trying to help you not tell you something. She loves you and wants the man she married. Please if you do nothing else make an appointment to see your gp and I would suggest if possible take your wife. When you get there be honest with the gp as to how you are feeling and make sure your wife has chance to speak as well. I suspect you are very depressed and need treatment. Your wife will be able to tell the Dr things you may not realise. My husband always asked me to go with him when he was in that very dark place. Don't expect an instant fix and when (I say when not if) ask if they have a Dr with a specialism in mental health, many practices do. I have been where you are, had husband where you are and worked with people with mental health issues so I do have some experience. Incidentally if they are funny about appointments tell them you are suicidal. It should help. Good luck and please do it for your families sake if not your own. 

Purplelady65

The self-loathing has been a constant theme since you started this diary - it is there in nearly all of your posts. Your inner critic has a very loud voice. If you could learn to quieten and / or silence it that could make a massive difference to you.  It seems as if the realisation of the impact of your behaviour and spending over the past few years has recently started to blow the lid off a pan of thoughts and feelings you have kept at simmering for quite some time. I do think you should make your mental health a priority to try and address all these issues which are having such a negative impact on you every single day. I've mentioned it previously but I would really recommend that you book an assessment privately with a clinical psychologist so they can make a diagnosis and suggest which therapies would be most useful. As others have suggested a visit to the GP might be of benefit as you appear to tick quite a few boxes for indicators of depression. I wish you luck as it must be really hard having all these constant negative emotions and thoughts swirling around. 

dawnybabes

You really really wouldn’t be leaving your s8n and wife in a better place.  She could have already walked and she hasn’t.  She’s taking an interest and trying to help but you are pushing her away.

 My hubby is going to die in the next few weeks, he would give anything to stay for me and our son. Dont throw away your life for silly reasons.