First Steps to Solvency

anon_2020

@alt80 I'm yet another lurker who's come out of the woodwork to comment on your journey and throw in my two cents.
I'm a recovering addict, and a member of a 12 step fellowship. It doesn't matter which one, they're all essentially the same. Whether we are addicted to alcohol, gambling, drugs, sex, spending, eating: the addictive behaviour is a symptom of a deeper malaise. It's an inability to accept life on life's terms and tends to be characterised by extreme self-centredness, control issues, compulsive behaviour, obsession, raging, dishonesty, massive damage to relationships, feelings of shame and inadequacy cycling with periods of grandiosity... any of this sound familiar?

I think a 12 step programme (again, doesn't matter which one) could really help you. I think you've already started to experience the benefits that come with working a programme of recovery:

• Cultivating the humility necessary to accept help from other people
• Accepting uncomfortable feelings/negative emotions and allowing yourself to feel them
• Gradually losing your focus on yourself and sharpening your focus on how you can be of service to others
• Letting down barriers and making room for genuine intimacy in your life

I'm sure you're finding all of those things horribly uncomfortable, because you've studiously avoided them for so long. If it hurts you know it's working, because it means you're starting to feel again.

Based on some of the things you've said I'm sure you'll have a problem with one aspect of 12 step recovery from addiction: it's a spiritual programme. You can use that as an excuse to run a mile in the other direction, or you could instead spend some time thinking about what spirituality means to you. For me, it's simply accepting life on life's terms and fitting myself to the challenges of the say rather than trying vainly to fit everything else to suit me. 

The things you wish you could enjoy more but don't give you the buzz of spending money - time with your son being a key example - are exactly the kind of things that a more spiritual, gratitude-focused outlook on life would help you feel so much more fulfilled by.

getmore4less

I tend to get up early these days and like water and hot drinks in the mornings.
I go through phases where I will max out the coffee for a ~week or 2  but when the headaches start to kick in swap to tea for a while.
no time amount  limits but try to keep it to the mornings, just done the last coffee for today and go onto water.
Am a bit of a beer monster, the wine and spirits don't agree any more.

One issue I find with the alcohol is if you have any tendencies for "I can do that tomorrow"  it can turn into a problem.
Softens the stresses of things building up but then nothing gets done you have to have the discipline to get stuff done..

Interesting that the AM gets serious analysis and you have always away backed off, obviously if some of the other purchases had the same attention they may not have happened, a good reminder going forward try to think about every spend not just the VERY big ones. 

Been mentioned before but one of the problems a lot of big earners have is haemorrhaging money on the little things.
Credit based purchases are particularly difficult because it is too easy to see that £/pm number  that  turns a big number into a little number and the I can afford/deserve that kicks in.

RelievedSheff

One-step-at-a-time said:

Cutting down on coffee definitely a good move. I went cold turkey on it a few years ago on the doctor's advice when I was having a hard time with anxiety recovering from an injury, the headaches and moods lasted three or four days, but within about ten a week and a half my sleep was SO much better. Good filter decaf is close enough to fully loaded to be a decent sub if you miss the taste.   

We switched to decaf a few years ago. It is very rare that we have a "full fat" coffee nowadays.

monetxchange

I've been trying to switch to decaf after the first couple of morning coffees. Maybe it's getting older, but I really notice it these days keeping me up, making me feel crap etc. Actually if anything the decaf I got has a nicer taste.

alt80

Managed to keep off everything today apart from 2 coffees. We buy the whole beans, got a coffee grinder and a built in machine. Yep serious coffee lovers in this house ha but will look into decaf.

Good day overall not thought about spending much at all, kept busy with business life. I'm 100 worse when this is taken away/ weekends/ time off etc. Did finish at 6.30pm though and spent time with wife and son. Picking son up tomorrow will probably go back to work after 30 minutes home but think he'll enjoy it. Not been feeling amazing (no wonders there ha) but got through without turning to stuff so happy days.

Off to bed earlier tonight, read 20 mins and sleep hopefully about midnight if I can do this will be really pleased tbh.  

@ryanm8655 think the book would be a good read for you too. 

@anon_2020 thanks for your post. Yeah all very familiar tbh your whole post is. Spoke to substance person through pmi today. Definitely struggle with the spiritual aspect but perhaps having an open mind as to what that is might not be a bad thing for me.

@getmore4less 100 relate re alcohol though wine, beer, spirits I enjoy them all ha. All make me feel like !!!!!! the next day, can't drink anywhere near what I used to in my 20s. Back then thought nothing of a full weekend bender, recover on a Sunday and back firing on all cylinders Monday morning how the !!!!!! I did it I don't know ha.

The AM (a new one) has always felt that step out of reach tbh. Funny thing a new manual Vantage can be bought cheaper than the spec of RR I've got but only really works as a toy. Thought about a spend today actually. My wife is Apple obsessed, truly like listening to my own BS where Apple products are concerned. Email came through with offers from Apple (just vouchers), she's on the website looking at a new 13" MacBook Pro. For context she's got a 16" MacBook Pro and a 12.9" iPad Pro so hardly needs a new computer. The 13" has some new processor. Wife read all the reviews and it apparently scores slightly higher on a geek bench test than her 16" Pro - 100 she don't need the highest scoring processor for viewing IG on a bigger screen than her phone, checking her email, iMessage and the odd basic Excel table. Spent 30 minutes convincing her she doesn't use anywhere near the capabilities of what she's got, pro designers probably don't haha. 

I've definitely fell into the trap of haemorrhaging money on little things too until really trying to rein it in.

Purplelady65

Well done on convincing your wife that she didn’t need the latest MacBook Pro. That seems to signal a real change in your mindset as I’m assuming a few months ago you would have gone along with the purchase of it. It’s really interesting to see how big retailers create a demand for products even though there’s hardly any difference to the previous versions. The latest Apple 12 advert with Kevin Bacon preys on people’s insecurities saying something like they can show it off to their friends. Same with the fashion industry - creating  a demand for clothes that nobody actually needs. Having said that I do have a weakness for clothes but I prefer to buy good quality and then keep them for a long time not wear them and send to landfill the following week. My daughter will only wear a going out outfit once - it’s all to do with instagram. Apparently you can’t be seen in the same outfit twice so it’s a constant cycle of purchasing and then reselling on depop. To be fair she does buy some items on depop herself.  I doubt that anyone would notice myself - I’m sure everyone’s too busy looking at their own photos on Instagram to remember if somebody wore an outfit before. However I’m assured that isn’t the case. What a world we live in! 

getmore4less

With computer tech for day to day 10yo+ stuff still does the job with cheap upgrades. 

There are things that improve over time which  can be worth upgrading like screens which can need new or performance things like SSD which can be done through upgrades.

Good that the team agreed another Apple purchase was not needed while the ones you have are doing a perfectly good job. 

DeLonghi bean to cup, Esam 4200 well worth the £200 spend(once I got through spend freeze).

Amazon tells me it was March 2014 so 6+years great build, should last a lifetime a good example of buy right buy once.

warby68

It might be easier if you persuade FIL that each month is a new month, like your budget, rather than every day, especially first thing in the am LOL.
Laying off the substances so you are less wired/hyper/depressed can only be a good thing.
The calmer version of you sees things very clearly now.
Lets hope for fewer downers and mad mood swings for your 3rd month. 
Planning (and filling) your days with a good balance of things is simple but effective - I honestly think less time alone in your head will be a good thing.
Lets get the business stuff moving and actually start measuring what you do achieve in a month much more than what you don't. We can see progress but you need to as well. Put some successes down on here as well as the problems. If writing out the bad stuff helps then writing out the good stuff might too.
Still think that medical help is probably needed - some of your thought processes are extreme and whether its drama or symptoms is for the professionals.  I DO know that the more level your moods are the easier life is in general. 
I'd quite like to hear how the development block is going - timescales and plans. Presumably if you got the FA you're far from under water with it despite the problems. What could you generate in cash if you sell it? Could this re-invigorate the investment portfolio. Would you be more satsified, in your business head, with getting rid and boosting liquidity and therefore opening up some more business options or are the units better added to the BTLs. I suspect not as they're not your general profile presumably as new builds/flashier places and might not have the same yields that are your niche. You might want to cash in on the new build premium. How are you doing getting wife actively or on paper involved in the business for the tax benefits? What about this other project that's making you smile? 
Its a very simplistic approach but sticking almost exclusively to business and family seems like a good plan, ok it might be a distraction strategy for now but its where you make your money and where you can make the quickest and most significant personal gain/contribution. Somehow you've got to find a way to make a long term change to your life but that doesn't mean it all has to be sorted now. The long term is just the sum of lots of short terms so each and every good day you have goes towards the total and one or two bad days don't wipe it out. You think in numbers so make them work and get you through this with a bit of logic as well as emotion (the latter not being overly productive at the moment).
Wishing you calmer days and a good 3rd month.

RelievedSheff

Hope you had a good night's sleep last night.

enthusiasticsaver

Glad you had a calmer day and well done on persuading your wife she does not need a new computer
 
Apple really do prey on people's insecurities. I was eyeing up the iPhone 12 and the prices for them are silly but my iphone7 is more than 2 years old so I either need a new battery or a new phone as it constantly needs recharging. My daughter suggested the iPhone Se2020 which is apparently the basic of the new generation. I am only interested in functionality rather than street cred