First Steps to Solvency

LondonLiz

Like many others who have been posting I too find you infuriating on so many levels.  Everyone is right, you must seek medical advice and support asap.   I hesitate to say this as I wonder if you have a mental health condition like bi-polar or a variation like cyclothymia.  Google them - they are both on the NHS and MIND websites. 

The reason I wonder is my first 'proper' boyfriend had it and he had many traits I see in your posts.

He too was a perfectionist, never feeling he had achieved enough, was a risk taker -in his case with dangerous outdoor pursuits , had obsessions about certain things (not money, status or cars but still to the detriment of other important parts of his life).  He too self-medicated, in his case alcohol - to the extent he was once sectioned after a horrendous 2 day bender of continuous drinking.  He too tried to drive away the people who cared about him by being rude, inconsiderate and downright mean.  Yet he was also one of the most sensitive, loving, caring people I had ever known.  He could swing from elation at the excitement and 'buzz' of something, from being the charming, witty, life and soul of the party to being so depressed he could barely speak or get out of bed. 

In your posts you too swing wildly.  From heart rending self awareness through mordant self pity, argumentative self righteousness, irritating selfishness, flashes of realization of what really matters, and back to stubborn arrogance. Rinse and repeat every few days.

My  much loved friend also thought dying was the way out and eventually he did it.  I can never get you to understand the utter devastation his death caused for his family and friends.  I'd known him and his family from when I was 9, got together at 18, lived together until  I was 20 years old,  were close friends with even after we broke up.  He died when I was nearly 22, over 30+ years ago and truly, none of us have ever been the same.  I am so glad I knew him and never regret it but god I wish he was still here.

Please please take action to get out of this constant cycle.  Even if it's not a MH condition as I've suggested, you must realise this cannot go on indefinitely. Something will give eventually.  If you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for your son & your wife.

 

 

katsu

I hope the counselling is hard because you are telling your Counsellor the things you are telling us about how you feel.  It must be so exhausting to feel like you do sometimes. Please tell them or seek help in finding the best counselor for you.  It's not going to be quick but you are going to have a better life not a worse one as you tackle this. 

You can get help and you can change. You'll end up happier.   

Others have posted very eloquently about the impact of suicide or death of a parent.  Your presence would be missed. Trust us. 

alt80

Listened to the podcast again. Thanks @enthusiasticsaver. Really listened with a view to actually doing something about it rather than just listening to think yeah yeah I relate to that. Downloaded the book too. Have the issues with cravings/ inadequacy/ not good enough badly. Feel like that in business and personal life idea of something I did now have to do something else/ get bigger/ what’s next. Never make it and can’t enjoy rewards because I’m looking towards the next thing obsessing about reaching next level or the self destructive behaviours start. Apparently not too uncommon in business rings true to me, I know a few. 

Wife actually said to me am I trying to drive her away. Maybe I am, I said to her tonight it’s getting ridiculous, asked her to listen to the podcast too she thought the Buzz Aldrin thing was funny - that’d be me not even walking on the moon enough for me lol. Definitely tried to drive others away over the years and been successful. Actually did start to think some really negative thoughts about my relationship with her about a year in (podcast said this when dopamenegic love ends), it’s when the negative thoughts about her motives started but had already asked her to marry me then and couldn’t face being on my own at that point in my life. Find doing calm app/ meditation helps put me in here/ now but avoid it as much as I can tbh started it on last round of counselling but do have a few hours of feeling better not so angry.  

Spending symptom yeah I think been trying to lie to myself for many years I earn well so all ok. All the poor mental health stuff going on in the background. Get something and toss it aside in very little time. What I earn now when I was younger was nothing but a pipe dream. Obsessed about seeing over £5k/m net through my 20s. Get there and spending more so start obsessing about adding another £1k/m net and another and another and I’m where I am now spending getting on 50% more than I earn until very recently because in my head what I have is nothing and to make it must be earning five figures after tax and spending like I was because all other goals came fairly easily. 100 madness. Not been ok for years really facing the debt issues just been a tipping point for me. Thought it would make me feel a lot better getting it sorted but hasn’t. I briefly got hooked to the idea of selling stuff off clearing off asap. Sales gone down and not being able to sort it quickly is making me angry. Still think I do need to pay the debts down even though painful.

Agreed with wife this coming week going to take on cooking for two nights. Actually quite enjoy trying new foods etc. She’s getting me back on the fitness training going to make an effort and planning my week out. Got a massive list of things I want to get done but need to realise I can’t do it all in a week to the detriment of my family. One of the hardest things realising I’ve been so unfair to them but the self loathing making it worse.

TheAble

I can only really echo what others have said - it's not really about money any more. Take some time off and speak to your GP soonest with a view to getting some psychiatric help. All the best.

alt80

@TheAble you’re right mate. Starting to realise the money/ amount of units/ house are all just part of my issues with nothing ever being enough.

Thanks.

enthusiasticsaver

alt80 said:

Listened to the podcast again. Thanks @enthusiasticsaver. Really listened with a view to actually doing something about it rather than just listening to think yeah yeah I relate to that. Downloaded the book too. Have the issues with cravings/ inadequacy/ not good enough badly. Feel like that in business and personal life idea of something I did now have to do something else/ get bigger/ what’s next. Never make it and can’t enjoy rewards because I’m looking towards the next thing obsessing about reaching next level or the self destructive behaviours start. Apparently not too uncommon in business rings true to me, I know a few. 

Wife actually said to me am I trying to drive her away. Maybe I am, I said to her tonight it’s getting ridiculous, asked her to listen to the podcast too she thought the Buzz Aldrin thing was funny - that’d be me not even walking on the moon enough for me lol. Definitely tried to drive others away over the years and been successful. Actually did start to think some really negative thoughts about my relationship with her about a year in (podcast said this when dopamenegic love ends), it’s when the negative thoughts about her motives started but had already asked her to marry me then and couldn’t face being on my own at that point in my life. Find doing calm app/ meditation helps put me in here/ now but avoid it as much as I can tbh started it on last round of counselling but do have a few hours of feeling better not so angry.  

Spending symptom yeah I think been trying to lie to myself for many years I earn well so all ok. All the poor mental health stuff going on in the background. Get something and toss it aside in very little time. What I earn now when I was younger was nothing but a pipe dream. Obsessed about seeing over £5k/m net through my 20s. Get there and spending more so start obsessing about adding another £1k/m net and another and another and I’m where I am now spending getting on 50% more than I earn until very recently because in my head what I have is nothing and to make it must be earning five figures after tax and spending like I was because all other goals came fairly easily. 100 madness. Not been ok for years really facing the debt issues just been a tipping point for me. Thought it would make me feel a lot better getting it sorted but hasn’t. I briefly got hooked to the idea of selling stuff off clearing off asap. Sales gone down and not being able to sort it quickly is making me angry. Still think I do need to pay the debts down even though painful.

Agreed with wife this coming week going to take on cooking for two nights. Actually quite enjoy trying new foods etc. She’s getting me back on the fitness training going to make an effort and planning my week out. Got a massive list of things I want to get done but need to realise I can’t do it all in a week to the detriment of my family. One of the hardest things realising I’ve been so unfair to them but the self loathing making it worse.

I am glad you listened to the podcast again.  I listened to the whole thing yesterday and while obviously I don't know you, so many of the things I heard the professor say resonated with what you have written on this diary.  I may download the book myself as I found many of the things he said interesting.  I too was unaware of the dopamine effect and love and how passionate love changes to companionate love after about a year and many people think they have fallen out of love so never form lasting relationships. Even better your wife listened too and agreed you seem to fit the pattern of someone who has a dopaminergic brain.  It is a sad story about Buzz Aldrin and how he suffered with alcohol abuse after his trip to the moon.  I also wonder if he beat himself up because he was the second man on the moon rather than the first. I am not sure whether you are clinically depressed but there is definitely a deep seated self loathing thing going on with you which is obviously affecting your mood and I am not sure it is just down to the debt any more. 

Couple of good ideas there to get more into fitness and exercise with your wife and do some cooking for the family.  One of the suggestions on the podcast was to be creative so you could say cooking would fit the bill. She seems to be a tremendous support to you and beating yourself up for past mistakes is not going to help.  As I have said before you have to draw a line and move forward. 

Let me know how you get on with the book. 

alt80

Thanks @enthusiasticsaver. Who knows re Buzz Aldrin but yes very sad imo too can relate to it though. Counsellor asks me to complete an assessment each time I have the appointment usually score fairly highly on both the depression and anxiety tbh. I have spoken to GP basically have to 'go back' (it's online) in a week. Might try NHS one but also don't want to get into obsessing about doctors being wrong about my health again - been there before.

I don't really know what's going on with me just know I can't carry on like today. Didn't even get out of bed until lunchtime managed half the roast dinner on the cooking front ate about 1/4 of my plate no appetite. Only one coffee, no alcohol though so am a bit more level-headed tonight. Felt like I was on a massive comedown until early evening today - caffeine withdrawal is real, certainly nothing else but felt a bit like that.

Podcast was the inspiration for the cooking ha. My dad has given me two Greek recipes, son will love that. Try to make others happy and also try to take FILs advice today first day of rest of your life. I hope, just move on.

Wife likes spending too but not obsessed. She's supported me through a lot and I know stuff said on here has set me off worse - I know I haven't appreciated her and should. It being that obvious strangers were telling me they don't like how I speak about her made me worse. Can't change the past but can try to be better in the future, more appreciative. Her not wanting a Christmas present made everything a lot worse for me too. Always been the only way I thought I could show her I do care.

In a bad place but if I don't believe it can be sorted - mental health and debt, everything will get worse for me I know that. Can't borrow my way out of it again. Told wife tonight I acknowledge the debt is much more than the £40k cards. She knew all about the rest too and she did always see it all as debt from when I told her. Went through the figures with her briefly. She's going to fix the spreadsheet for the next month over the next day or so whilst I'm working on the business. Set out a plan for the week. Regret this week - was meant to be some time off with family didn't plan anything so ended up a mess. Next week going to be better, both wife and I on same page and I've agreed to do school run with her a couple of days Tues/ Thurs - at home those days. Need to put my family first.

NorthernSoulSouthernLife

I can 100% promise you that no-one and I mean absolutely NO-ONE  will be better off if you’re dead !!

Today we should have been celebrating my husbands 42nd birthday!  Instead I have spent another agonising day reliving the last days of his life trying to work out what I could have/ should have done differently , asking myself why I wasnt enough. I can’t even begin to put into words what his suicide has done to me. I don’t recognise any part of myself, the pain I carry is just too much, I have no words to even begin to describe it. 
lost count today of how many times my 2.5year old has asked me why I’m not happy and why there is water coming from my eyes 💔 she doesn’t not deserve that !

In 2 days time he will have been dead 11 months And my baby still gets up every morning and searches for him, it breaks me.
my life was hard when he was alive , his mental health issues were literally tearing us apart but that pails into insignificance compared to how horrific my life is now that he’s not here, my hopes and dreams for my little family unit gone 

please please get some professional help, I really believe you need a Mental health review as there are some seriously deep issues underpinning your current state of mind.

good to read you’re working with Your wife to plan out your next week.  there is so much to look forward to and she clearly has hopes of a better future to come for you and your family 

Stay strong 

the_end_of_the_rainbow

dawnybabes said:

You really really wouldn’t be leaving your s8n and wife in a better place.  She could have already walked and she hasn’t.  She’s taking an interest and trying to help but you are pushing her away.

 My hubby is going to die in the next few weeks, he would give anything to stay for me and our son. Dont throw away your life for silly reasons.

So sorry to read this @dawnybabes.  

LondonLiz

NorthernSoul, You don't seem to have a diary (?) but please come visit mine if you need to 'chat'.  So sorry for what you're going through, especially with a child as well.  I know exactly what you mean about the torture of going over the last days/weeks/months and wondering 'what if', but I'm sure you know deep down there is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed anything.   And hindsight is no use at all.   Indeed my friend was very calm and relaxed in the last week of his life which may seem odd but we feel he was at peace with his decision, which was a strange sort of comfort.

For what it's worth I'm not convinced Alt80 really means it seriously or imminently, it feels more of a slightly melodramatic sweeping statement designed to provoke a reaction, which is precisely what it has done.  One of the reasons I mentioned bipolar is there is a tendency for attention seeking, OTT behaviour .  That is not to be unsympathetic to the way he feels or the possibility, just to put it in perspective a bit.   I hope you find some other positive uplifting diaries to read as this one might not be best for you right now? Take care of yourself (and you too Alt80).