First Steps to Solvency

katsu

@alt80 you are doing really well in facing so much of this and making progress. Change isn't easy.  Just remember that there are so many here, regular commenters, occasional ones and those who read and wish you well.  These diaries here are a place you can get support on the road and I'm sure you'll be as successful as other high earners who changed their mindsets like Tolip or Hypno.  So if you are struggling maybe something here can help you resist?   

As you love your son and enjoy being with him - and your wife as you mention holding hands happily - maybe for now focus on getting the right counselling and help. That might help you feel less resentful about your wife in time.  You can enjoy a marriage and life together if you can all be a happy family. 

I appreciate that you are being honest with us about how you feel about your wife. I think most of us who are earning well have a quieter spouse at home. 

I do have moments where I think I would like a higher income from Mr Katsu, but I've realised I don't want the extra lifestyle impact that would come from two high earners in the house. When I'm not working I want to enjoy his company,  not find out our schedules clash.  I'm a bit selfish in when I want his company and fitting things around my work as my time is limited and I'm used to being busy.  Many of us higher earners are used to leadership and attention so it can help to not be competing at home too.  A place you can just relax. 

I guess I'm trying to say there could be a variety of upsides to your family life,  in addition to the house always being lovely and clean and welcoming etc (still envy you a bit there!).

I also wanted to pick up on your FIL.  Mr Katsu 's family were tricky for a long time and after much aggro and heartbreak I learnt to stop conversations. I find "thank you" helpful. It acknowledges that they are speaking,  that they probably meant well, but doesn't feed the conversation. If I had enough I would also say "excuse me" and go to the loo, get something from another room, pop the kettle on etc. Basically a way to change the conversation with a reset. No one can tell you off for needing the toilet and it gives you space to think. Or if you just realise you "thought you left your wallet in the car" or some other rubbish.  

You then politely start a different conversation on your return - or let the room continue whatever they are now doing. If FIL returns to the topic you can say "yes, you said that earlier".  You can even add "thanks" if you like 😊  You could offer to make them a cup of tea if that works in their house. 

I now regard it like a game.  I'm not getting my self esteem from the Katsu family so it doesn't really matter what they say. 

In our case I did have points where I would say "I don't want to discuss that, thank you.  Who wants a cup of tea? " As they found it difficult to accept the role reversal of me out earning and out achieving Mr Katsu they liked to go on about both of us.  I don't know if it ever truly stops but if it seems to start so does my need for a wee, cuppa, urgent need to check something if I'm getting no where with "thank you".  

I realised they don't work with me so it's not their fault that they don't see how good I am at what I do,  and it doesn't matter as I don't need their admiration and praise - I'll settle for a bit of peace instead 😆

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

New day feel like !!!!!! not sure there’s much lower than in-laws knowing you’ve been on the chang tbh but FA happening. Actually feel like I can move on, income not going to be affected massive weight lifted. Need to move on get debt paid off keep doing the counselling. 

That's the spirit.

Focus on the positives in each day

TheAble

@katsu some good tips there. What were your ILs so difficult about, out of interest?

theoretica

I have thought for a while about writing this as I don't want to fall into the trap of internet diagnosis, but I am seeing more and more similarities with some Autistic friends and relatives, especially in the the way your self identity is tied up with your obsessions, trouble with anger and anxiety and finding you think differently to other people.  So I wonder if you might find some helpful ideas if you looked into things written by or about people whose minds work a bit differently.

alt80

Put in place returning stuff I’ve spent money on. Needed to do it. Getting back on track. Not going anywhere rest of week so cards are with the other cards. I’ve deleted my saved details and the ones in Apple wallet. Obviously going to have to take a card out with me when I need to go out but wife can keep them out of my way right now I can’t trust myself not to do stupid stuff.

Still thinking about buying too much. Today’s ‘bright’ idea to move to a village spend £800k maybe. Don’t really even want to move for that just think the temptations might be less bit harder to get stuff further to travel etc.

Just spent afternoon working a bit definitely better working than doing anything else. Not too productive hopefully will get some sleep tonight. Wife doesn’t want to spend time with me no wonder there really. Told me I’m back on the exercise boot camp tomorrow though lol. Like I say she’d probably rather me bankrupt than fat. 

Glad we’re in lockdown no way could I have faced FIL turning up was enough on the phone. Wife has to tell them everything though. I didn’t even want to tell her but she brought it up wasn’t really much hiding it. Can’t blame him for being angry no one more angry with me than me right now.

NorthernSoulSouthernLife

alt80 said:

New day feel like !!!!!! not sure there’s much lower than in-laws knowing you’ve been on the chang tbh but FA happening. Actually feel like I can move on, income not going to be affected massive weight lifted. Need to move on get debt paid off keep doing the counselling. 

Great to see that FA happening and a more positive post form you. Moving forward and not dwelling on the what have beens will see you smashing this debt I’m sure 
NS x

alt80

@NorthernSoulSouthernLife all well and good someone like me saying I’m going to try to make the right choices actually need to and not for just a couple of days. Don’t trust myself never mind asking wife or anyone else to trust me. Today wonder if it would be better for her to go not for me but for her with all the harm I’ve caused. In laws want her to go with son can’t even say I think they’re wrong. Head in a bad place.

Needs to be a whole lifestyle change honestly not sure I can do it in long run alternative only worse though. Catch22. Not even sure why I’m still posting on here after what I’ve admitted to suppose hoping people with better attitudes to life will rub off on me at some point haha. No taking it back really definitely more ashamed of it than the spending but honestly think the spending is actually a bigger problem for me I’m not a drug addict.

Willowtree222

I've not read your whole diary yet, just some pages. 
I've found the people on here to be so supportive. Between them they've all experienced the things you have and I've never had so much support with my situation than from these total strangers.
I'm an emotive spender and although it's not stopped, my blips are getting better. I'd think nothing of getting thousands of pounds on credit in one night. It takes work, but you do change.
Your wife is still with you. She obviously loves you. 
Look at your small progress wins. You've faced up to it, you have been able to admit it to people. 
I hope you see the steps you've made and not just the mistakes. 
Willing you along like so many others

X

purplehippo276

@alt80 haven’t been on here much lately, and wanted to see how you are doing. Had a read through the last few pages, and don’t have any advice, but I did want to stop and send some love your way as things seem really tough for you right now. We are all rooting for you on this forum, some people’s comments may come across as tough love, but it’s all meant from a good place, and I really hope you can find the help and support you need both here and IRL. 

strawb_shortcake

This does seem to be one of the few outlets you have where you can vent and be brutally honest with what's going on inside your head. Just spelling it out how you feel and what's going on can really help make sense of a situation so if its helpful please keep posting. 
I don't think anyone here is judging you on the decisions you may have made whether that's money or otherwise. Everyone just seems to want to help you get to a place that isn't destructive and where you are genuinely happy.  
My Mum lives in what is generally considered a nice area, but when the pubs are open, drugs make a frequent appearance, when I was younger it was limited to cannabis, now its cocaine all throughout the week. My Brother got into a position where he was doing it loads and going into debt for it, he wasn't addicted but he likes flashing the cash, he would never have said I can't afford it, so I really do get that you aren't a drug addict.

When you compare yourself to others, you are only comparing to the persona and image they portray, we never know what's going on in someone's life beyond what they are happy to share. 
You have lots of changes you want to make, it's not going to be an easy ride but perhaps you can break it down to more manageable chunks, not sure if this is something you can discuss with your counsellor?