First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

Ok you definitely need to step away from the cards. All of them, business and personal before you damage your business finances as well as the personal ones. Buying hampers and expensive perfumes are going to make your situation worse. Believe your wife when she says don't buy her anything expensive this year. She wants you to sort out the debt so that would be the best Christmas present you could give her. 

I don't doubt that spending on things gives you a buzz but I think you also like the way people perceive you when you buy them things. They think you have it made and that obviously builds up your self confidence. Admitting you cannot do this is like admitting you are a failure. You have to stop thinking like that and realise admitting you are living within your means is something to be celebrated not be ashamed of and people should like you because you are a kind man and a bit of a laugh  rather than for what you buy them. Lots of people this year are cutting back in Xmas presents, myself included. The economy is in a precarious position, people are losing jobs left, right and centre so putting Xmas on cards (business or personal) to feed your addiction or make you feel good for the few minutes you are spending or when you give the gifts is not the wisest course of action. Please resist this year. I think the trouble is spending money is so tied up with your self image you don't know how to separate the man from the spender. Speak to your counsellor or if he or she is not helping then find another. For the sake of your future you must break this addiction. 

warby68

@alt80 I don't see a horrible man, I see a mixed up one really wanting to be better. You ARE starting to appreciate non-monetary stuff, your willingness to help people on here and your description of time with your son show that for starters. Its just that the addiction/bad habit stuff (which obviously includes something other than spending) is still there as well. Are you sure you're getting robust enough professional help? Have you actually discussed all the options with a GP? I'm wondering if medication might help even out the mood swings a little? No need to discuss in detail here of course.
I point out the way you speak about your wife as its the most disturbing thing to me. When I said personal issues on my last post I meant your marriage not your issues with money. Whatever the resolution is there I think you will be better, in the long run, when it comes. However even from the one-sided view we have, we see signs that your wife is still hanging in there. No gift does not mean hate/no love - it means let me show you that I mean it when I say we can cut back and sort it. You might have started out the relationship with 'agendas' but after 12 years and a son maybe you've grown something that can work.
I guess that's all to say there are marriage issues, addiction/bad habit issues and your own self-worth issues. It may be that different professionals and not just one counsellor are needed.
For the record, I thought a week off work was a bad idea at the moment - work is your stable place. Could you do half days? If working will help you settle the downer I think you should do it but openly with your wife. It isn't to avoid her, its because its what helps when you're struggling - half days a compromise. Working is better than trawling the net to spend and taking stuff. 
Plus I really think this mid-life 40th birthday unease is in the mix and you might be a bit better when you're past it and the world didn't end/all your hair fall out/or you stopped being able to spot a good business deal. You're miles younger than me if that's any consolation

RelievedSheff

Good Morning @alt80

It is a fresh new day so hopefully today you have a much better day.

Put yesterday behind you. It is done now nothing can change that. Return or cancel what you can and forget about the rest that can't.

warby68

I agree with @RelievedSheff.
Also think of yesterday's end position not its worst point - the end being after you knew it was wrong, regretted it and returned as much as you could. Then draw a line under it.
The sun is trying to come out here - anyone else find their mood more weather dependent than ever during this weird year?

NorthernSoulSouthernLife

Not sure how often you’re using drugs to fall back on when you’re struggling but I know from watching my husband  that it made things a million times harder for him. Once the GP withdrew the prescriptions he turned to  Cocaine for his hit, apparently it’s as easy as booze to get your hands on these days 🤷‍♀️ I’m very naive when it comes to drugs but I watched him suffer with huge lows from his come downs , paranoia, anger , heightened depression and a need to keep chasing the next  hit (amongst other side effects) weekly use Turned to daIly to multiple times a day . We had no money , he was buying on ‘tick’. Please don’t fall in to this trap. Using gives you that dopamine hit , same chemicals that give you a buzz from spending etc , but chemical alterations of those neural pathways make the ‘buzz‘ harder to Obtain ... think this is feeding your constant need to Level-up .
Please be careful & Stay safe, you Have a lot to offer and you already make a difference to many peoples lives , it’s now time to focus on you and be kind to yourself , build your self esteem back up, not just with a quick fix but with a strategy that works long term.
i should add my husband had never used illicit drugs until the addiction to pain killers post surgery. His life long addiction had been his work and Spending.  Following his operation he couldn’t Physically do his job. It breaks my heart just to think of the personal turmoil he was going through, at the beginning he hid the drug use well.

Sarahwithlove

I think you need to try and untie this link you have in your head with your self worth being based on your financial worth. You are more than the money you make or the value of your assets. You are a human being who deserves to treat himself and others better. You have a loving family if you give them the chance to love you as you not based on what you can financially provide. You and you're wife may have started this relationship based on negative views but you do love each other and your son. And whilst your wife may have made that comment about leaving if you lost it all have you ever considered that's because both you and her had lost touch with each other and your relationship. This was at a time when you put your family second to your business and spent money on them to make things better. But you are making great strides here and i think the fact that your son said his best birthday ever was the day he got to spend with you and your wife has just asked for your time for Xmas has made her realise just as much as you how happy it makes your son to spend time together. If you can keep making strides in your relationship with them and stop pushing them away I think you and your wife can start to love each other again and can be the family you want to be. If you don't start to detach monetarial value from your life experiences and relationships you will lose it all. And I don't mean financially I mean your family. Is your 7 figure dream worth risking your family over? Stop viewing living within your means as a punishment and instead as a lifestyle change. Even when the cards are all paid off you still won't be able to go back to spending what you want when you want because you don't have an endless supply of money. I wish you the best of luck with it. 

ryanm8655

NorthernSoulSouthernLife said:

I’ve thought long and hard before I write this post but perhaps it might add some reality & perspective about where your wife is coming from. I haven’t read your whole diary so forgive me if I make unfair assumptions, I’ve been reading along since October.

Please believe your wife when she says she doesn’t want gifts, it’s not about being nit picky and trying to make you feel guilty she just personally doesn’t value them as highly as she would Value spending quality time with you ..... you have different ‘love languages’ and perhaps you BOTH should invest some time into really understanding what makes each other feel loved. 
You mention that your wife keeps nagging you or bringing up snarky comments re the debt, I promise this isn’t her trying to put you down, she is scared, terrified even of your current financial position. The average person has a fear and respect for money/ debt which you appear not to have. My husband was exactly the same, He would live in the moment spending as If we earned Infinite amounts of money and If the hard cash wasn’t in our pocket a credit card would do just the same job.  We had a successful business so for years it worked out ok. Then we fell pregnant after 10 years of being told it wasn’t possible, out little miracle, all I’D ever dreamed of. I then got Ill needing to have brain surgery whilst pregnant , baby came 5 weeks prematurely & I almost died whilst having her. 3 days after getting home my husband needed life saving abdominal surgery lost 3ft of his colon and was left with a stoma at 39 !!! So here we were brand new Parents to a premature baby both recovering  from life saving surgery unable to Run our business properly, in debt upto our eyeballs ( much of which my husband had kept from me, but I found out about whilst he was in intensive care on a ventilator For 3 weeks). 

Our house of cards collapsed dramatically we lost our business , our home & our cars. 

I went from holidaying in the Maldives At £15k+ a week, to using food banks To feed myself and put nappies on our baby. I’d spent years donating food to the food bank boxes in Waitrose to suddenly needing to find my local one and use it.
my husband like you was addicted to spending but suddenly with absolutely no route to access any money to get that ‘fix’ , he became addicted to prescription pain meds which the GP suddenly stopped. His mental health deteriorated and on Christmas Eve 2019 the very worst happened ... he took his own life .
He died believing I didn’t love him ... I loved him more than life itself , I hated Some of the choices he’d made, lies he’d told but I 100% LOVED him !!! 

On the day he died there was 36p left in his bank account, we had no life insurance policies ... you see when you are struggling to feed yourself insurance doesn’t even get a look in. So with an 18 month baby I found myself totally alone, bankrupt living in temporary accommodation eating from a food bank .......THIS IS WHAT YOUR WIFE IS SCARED OF !!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

You are a risk taker , you ‘gamble’ (for want of a better word) your Families security and safety net To get your next big boys toy!  

What would happen if you got sick  Or your wife got sick? 

Your wife will ‘fight’ you she is trying to get you to see the light , I did the same with my husband too , I failed and he lost his life and I carry that everyday for the rest of my life, I am falling apart but have to pull it together for my little girl.
Dont Let this  !!!!!! Narrative that you tell yourself about needing to level up  be the legacy you leave behind for your family, they just want YOU!!! 

There is so much in what I read in your diary that is a reflection of my old life . It’s not healthy for you , your wife or your boy, your anger & need for a ‘buzz’ ... it could be my husband writing this diary.

Your wife is getting stronger , she will start to set boundaries that work towards keeping her and her boy ‘safe’ These boundaries will hurt you but will be a necessity for her wellbeing and yours. Try not to inflict more pain on each other, you need each other xxx

I missed this post but came back to read it after your more recent one. What a compelling post and what a person you are. What a lady your little girl will grow up to be with a mother like you.

ZaSa1418

@alt80 your wife doesn't hate you, she hates the position you are in as a family.
My husband and I are not getting each other gifts at Christmas , we don't hate each other we have just decided we could easily spend the money paying down some of our debts. 

NorthernSoulSouthernLife

ryanm8655

I missed this post but came back to read it after your more recent one. What a compelling post and what a person you are. What a lady your little girl will grow up to be with a mother like you.

Thank you for your kind words, I hope I can be all that my little girl needs but god it feels like an impossible up hill struggle right now. For all his struggles he brought so much to our little family and they were some big boots that I just can’t fill. 

It’s true I don’t miss the chaos of living with his struggles but I would do anything  to do things differently x

alt80

New day feel like !!!!!! not sure there’s much lower than in-laws knowing you’ve been on the chang tbh but FA happening. Actually feel like I can move on, income not going to be affected massive weight lifted. Need to move on get debt paid off keep doing the counselling.