First Steps to Solvency

mamamu

Alt80 you have got spending addiction, seek help. It is most difficult addiction to overcome, but it is not impossible.
You do need professional help.  

alt80

Vast majority can be returned don’t want to get into what can’t. I’ve promised my wife I wouldn’t do it and did it again and now again. I’ll have bigger problems than debt carrying on driving down the road I’m going know that much and I think this might have been my last chance gone. I’ve crossed the line using a company account it’s madness going to destroy everything if I can’t get out of doing this. Wish she’d stop looking into my accounts I can’t even buy her a Christmas present without her knowing now. Saying she didn’t want a Christmas gift set me off know that was the trigger. Can’t even buy my wife something for Christmas that’s how low my life has got she doesn’t even want anything for Christmas from me that’s how much she hates me. At least if she goes my money will be my own won’t be !!!!!! up my business life.

I have 3/4 days maybe a week on the payback 100 concentrating on it and enjoying time with my family. Plan things to do with my family and force myself to start whatever we’d planned to do never want to do family activity, dread it feel like telling wife to just crack on without me but in 10 minutes I feel great and think I’m getting there and that this time things are different. Really treasure the day out with my son before lockdown started think about it all the time sit at my desk looking through the photos I took that day even look at the pumpkin photo too lol that and Halloween had an amazing time. Not about money just about being a dad to my little boy. Walking through the woods no one knows what I have or more like haven’t got. Not like there’s DEBTOR tattooed on my forehead. Being with my family is not a buzz just really nice days I look back and see my son happy, dog loving it and holding hands with my wife feeling like I’m adding something being there not just looking in like some unwanted spare part. Then I spoil it and distance myself from them can only think about the cost of everything and the value of absolutely !!!!!! nothing. That phrase always makes me laugh being a valuer by profession only because value is measured in monetary terms story of my life there.

Lockdown is messing with my head this time. Hate being off from work but I do anything and I get some !!!!!! email ‘aren’t you meant to be on leave?’ Not !!!!!! in it’s intentions I know just colleagues looking out for me, that’s how I want them to treat me it’s important to me that my staff can approach me but they don’t get I’m better working - working is much better for me than not.

ryanm8655

Sorry to hear you’ve had a bad day dude and happy birthday (even if it hasn’t been a happy one).

You’ve done the right thing in fessing up on here, shows you aren’t just ignoring the issue and that is progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You’re holding yourself accountable.

You’ve already figured the solution, take the stuff back.

A bit disappointing to read the wife hasn’t even got you a token gift and isn’t speaking to you. I’m sure she has her reasons but two wrongs don’t make a right.

Hold it together dude.

It isn’t easy and you’ve got a lot of stressors at the moment that would drive even a saint to the edge in terms of relapsing into old ways.

Personally don’t feel the need to tell the wife, as long as you can take it all back. Just don’t use the BTL account again (you know this was wrong) and make sure you take everything back. It would only make things worse, she isn’t going to react well and will just be another thing to beat you with. You don’t need that at the moment.

Don’t want to play amateur psychologist too much but I do question whether you’d be happier on your own. Seems like you’re both in the marriage for the wrong reasons (though take that with a handful of salt since it’s easy to get the wrong end of the stick plus you are painting your own picture of your wife to us) but it just seems like you’re both mainly in it for financial reasons. You because you’d lose a lot financially in the event of a divorce (and be further from the 7 figure house and picture perfect family picture) and your wife because she’d not be able to survive in the same way without your income. Of course there is your son, who you love very much and I’m sure he’d be devastated if the worst was to transpire but at the same time it can’t be good for him seeing what is going on. Feel free to ingore though. You know your life far better than I do and deep down I do think maybe your own issues paint a different picture of how things are and how your wife feels about you, so this is probably way off the mark. Sometimes though you do have to take a few steps back to take a massive leap forwards, whatever the solution is (e.g. with the lifestyle and business)

I always felt like I needed the security blanket of a relationship and was in a miserable one for a longtime as a result. My situation was very different and far less complicated though, granted. Plus I went on to rack up the debt massively after the break up, so there was still a lot for me to learn and it wasn’t some magic wand cure. Had tough times since but it took those to be in a far better place now. And as I’ve said before, I wouldn’t change a thing (except career/degree choice but even then I question whether I’d have made the most of it back then), had the time of my life getting into debt, though do wish I’d done it within my means but then I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I have and I wouldn’t appreciate the simpler things so much.

NorthernSoulSouthernLife

You are not a horrid person, you show kindness and compassion towards me and my situation and you go above and beyond to look after the welfare of your tenants and support them, not the trait of an inherently horrid person. It’s true you May make decisions / choices that others Don’t like but that isn’t the same as being horrible. 

The potential for your spending &/or debt to increase with your current mood and mindset is worrying and I’m glad to read you are planning to return what you can From today’s  spends.  Is it possible/ viable for you to reduce access to Cards until you regain a semblance of control? 

Can you work with the counsellor to identify the triggers that cause you to spend and also identify some  other Behaviours to redirect your intention to spend? 

Trigger = emotional response = spend 
breaking this cycle is so important to ensure you continue to reduce your debt not increase it. 

You mentioned that your only paying lip service to working with the counselling ... is that because the you need a different approach to what is being offered or you don’t gel with the counsellor maybe ?  Only asking as I was in a very similar position , attending all my sessions but just not engaging in a meaningful way , I didn’t build a relationship with the counsellor or click with basic CBT type methods. I’m now on my 4th counsellor and things are totally different. I’ve settled with a life coach that specialises in grief & loss. The sessions are more uplifting & concentrate on ‘building me up’ because I’ve spent my whole life knocking myself, i see the self loathing reflected in your posts too. 

Today’s spending is just another blip on your journey it doesn’t have to be the unravelling of ALL the work you’ve put into reducing your debt these past few months.
regain your focus and don’t spend too long beating yourself up over this one incident, it doesn’t serve you well to do so.

ryanm8655

I’d echo the point above re: counsellor too. I went to a few before I found one I clicked with. May even go back at some point, I’m not sure.

enthusiasticsaver

Just to be clear @alt80 I expect the reason your wife said no Christmas present is because she knows you can't really afford to buy her things in the way you normally would. If she has managed to raise a lot from selling stuff no doubt some of these things were bought as presents in the first place. It does not mean she hates you. 

I also think you need the accountability that her checking your bank account  gives. Are you sure that the downer you feel about not buying her a gift is because you need the buzz of spending on something? I hope you manage to remedy the spending binge. 

alt80

Need the accountability 100% and no one I can tell did leave message with counsellor. Not like I can speak to staff/ tenants or mates with better cars and bigger portfolios smashing life and there’s me getting wasted on the company account at 10am in the morning.

@ryanm8655 It’s not my birthday today it is this week though just want to forget it.

Not in the right headspace to think about relationship tbh probably do paint a skewed picture with what’s going on in my head. 

Don’t think I’ll ever get to the point of appreciating the simple things. Wish I could.

@NorthernSoulSouthernLife I have no access to cards apart from 2 personal credit cards, current account and the company accounts. The rest are not available to me easily made sure it’s that way.

Know what you mean re counsellor - been through it before for different issue and it worked very quickly but it was not an issue I’ve had for years. Spoke to healthline too think real issue is I can’t fully face up to my issues with spending convince myself without the pressure I’ll become !!!!!! at business and static. Madness.

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Need the accountability 100% and no one I can tell did leave message with counsellor. Not like I can speak to staff/ tenants or mates with better cars and bigger portfolios smashing life and there’s me getting wasted on the company account at 10am in the morning.

@ryanm8655 It’s not my birthday today it is this week though just want to forget it.

Not in the right headspace to think about relationship tbh probably do paint a skewed picture with what’s going on in my head. 

Don’t think I’ll ever get to the point of appreciating the simple things. Wish I could.

@NorthernSoulSouthernLife I have no access to cards apart from 2 personal credit cards, current account and the company accounts. The rest are not available to me easily made sure it’s that way.

Know what you mean re counsellor - been through it before for different issue and it worked very quickly but it was not an issue I’ve had for years. Spoke to healthline too think real issue is I can’t fully face up to my issues with spending convince myself without the pressure I’ll become !!!!!! at business and static. Madness.

Don’t beat yourself up too much mate. Been there myself when I had my own little meltdown when family stuff got too much a while back. Disappeared to a hotel and as soon as it was lunchtime I was in the hotel bar drowning the pain and stress away. Felt really guilty afterwards due to basically writing off a month of debt repayments on a 4 day blow out but the anxiety I felt at that time, I’ve never felt anything like it. I can imagine how you feel. It wasn’t a nice place to be. Actually made me rethink my relationship with alcohol a bit as it’s a vicious cycle, makes you feel worse but also seems like the only thing that’ll make you feel better when you’re that low. Even ubereatsed a crate of beer to my hotel room after the pubs closed. Took about 6 weeks off of drinking after that. The shame was high.

Since then though I’m feeling infinitely better. Things will get better. There will be more bumps in the road but you’ll get there.

alt80

@enthusiasticsaver Idk what’s worse her hating me or telling me I can’t afford to give her anything for Christmas - both highlight what a loser I am haha. Plenty were bought as presents of things she’s sold could just be !!!!!! at buying gifts too and she doesn’t want my choices who knows?

Wanted to spend on the fragrance for her yes. Enjoy buying gifts as well as for myself possibly for a buzz idk. Every Christmas I put together a hamper for staff and tenants nothing extravagant just a nice gesture I suppose 100 guilt free couple of hours in Sainsbury’s lol. Probably madness to most especially for tenants but they remember it, bit of appreciation and believe it comes back to me if they have issues they come to me rather than just becoming a total !!!!!! nightmare. Said before probably sounds weird but I know my wife’s measurements and like shopping for gifts for her. Not in a controlling way I like it when she shows me something new she’s bought too. Buying stuff = my identity. I’m well know for it. A mate joked my RRS was ‘getting on a bit’, one week later I’ve dealt on new RR. People send me links to stuff, if I like I buy. Enjoy it not as much as the bigger ticket stuff. I love buying houses whether for me to live in or investment the looking, finding, offer acceptance, sorting the funding, few months of waiting, knowing it’s happening deal done. I !!!!!! love it especially when it’s for me for res home or investment I’d buy one everyday if I could get the funds all my problems would be over. All I hear about in business life is property transactions I still love it FTBs I’m more buzzed for them than they are half the time. I’ll talk about property all day and and all night commercial or residential don’t care bores my wife senseless.

alt80

@ryanm8655 thanks mate not in a good place at all and hope I can sort myself out. Been there in the past going on 2/3 day benders long time ago for me way before Ubereats lol but can 100 relate.

Probably going to regret making it !!!!!! obvious but I’d probably be less disappointed in my own behaviour, more ready to sleep and a bit better financially had I raided the drinks cabinet this morning.