Child Maintenance and Childcare fees

celblog88

kangoora said:

Just pay the CMS mandated amount. Pay childcare for days you have the child, they need looking after and you are unable to provide that care without childcare.

Nothing is going to change until you make it happen, coming on here and repeating all the same arguments and getting the same answers for 6 weeks isn't going to change a thing.

I really don't see a problem, apart from her treating you like a doormat and you continuing to allow it to happen.

Thanks for the input I appreciate it. Most of what I have repeated is in response to others who have been good enough to respond. As I said I know what my obligations are and am in the process of financial discovery and separation settlement, so really I'm just satisfying myself that I'm not in the wrong or being unreasonable as no settlement has yet been reached so still in no man's land so to speak and do not want to rock the boat and until now I haven't had any joy putting my point across to the ex. Thanks again.

celblog88

***Update***
Up until this point and following the sale of the family home I have been paying Child Maintenance monthly based on that month's pay. Based on last year's p60 it would have been £7/8 more per month based on flat wage but I was paying monthly based on each current payslips which meant if I had a bit of overtime the ex got an extra £60/70 per month. Anyway as already mentioned I declined to provide any additional payslips to her over and above those I have already included in my financial discovery and after hearing no more about it the sweetheart opened a case against me with Child Maintenance Service on New Year's Eve. They informed me that as of 6th Jan and while case was being assessed I did not need to pay anything which is a shame as I had already paid January's CM.
In any case, the case worker was actually quite helpful and I discussed the fact that I also pay half the nursery fees, on average £320 per month for my half. She said I did not have to pay this and the assessed amount would be the only amount enforceable, anything more would be at my discretion. As discussed before I get my son between 2 and 3 nights a week and now the case is opened with the CMS and as I don't want my son to suffer I'm fighting with myself as to how much nursery fees I should cover. Most of the days he is in nursery are days I am paying his mother for his upkeep. I do not want my son affected so I was going to propose either:

a) Pay the childcare voucher max amount of £243 from my salary and inform the ex that she is liable for the rest or
b) Pay the fees for the number of days I require him to be in nursery for me to finish work (prob less than half what I currently pay in fees alone)

The issue I have with going down this route is she might just decide I have to have him more overnights through the week in order that it works better in her favour. Where do I stand re my responsibility towards moving my working shifts about to facilitate childcare if I am the non resident parent? Bit of advice welcome as I am hoping to gain promotion soon and this may involve my shift pattern changing again. Would I be right in saying I can put forward my shifts and informing her when I am available?

ZaSa1418

Whilst you of course want to do what's best for your son you also can't let her control your life, she has spitefully gone to the CMS because she didn't get what she wanted. 

I would be telling her you will pay the nursery directly for 'your days' and she is now liable for her days. 

You don't need to tell your work you are the non resident parent, you tell them you are a parent that needs to meet his childs needs and you have shared parenting. 

Don't give her any more money until the assessment from CMS comes through and don't forget you have already paid January's money. 

Is your 2/3 night a week agreement between yourselves or via solicitors? If you can i would start saving money incase you end up in family court. 

celblog88

The 2/3 night arrangement is between ourselves at the moment. Due to lack of family on her side I doubt she would ever be able to restrict access. The main thing I am concerned about at the moment if she starts moving days/nights about to suit her and to minimise her costs to nursery and to put me out as much as possible. Remains to be seen but have been waiting since August for financial discovery to be sorted and a consultation between solicitors for settlement. I've had my fill of the process I don't mind telling you. Hopefully the family court thing can be avoided as if anything she wants to up her hours again so as to protect her pension. 
The question around the work side of things was mainly to do with shift pattern and nights I would be due to have him. If for example I get promotion or my job role changes, is it up to me as the non resident parent to get hours changed to suit or her? We work in the same public service but the main reason I ask is I don't want years and years of rota tennis with her.

ZaSa1418

She can't just change the days and nights around to suit her she would surely be cutting off her nose to spite her face, especially if you both work when the other has your son.  I mean she could but then you would just have to go to court to sort contact our formally. 

Is your shift pattern likely to change so you would need to change things around? You could always ask her to swap but then if she plans to work the times you have son it may not be possible of easy for her to change so she will say no and then you would have to bring it up with work.  
Do you have any family help so if you had to work on your time with son one of your family members could have him? 

celblog88

All my family work full time. I passed the first part of a promotion board and now have an interview in the coming months although Covid has held it up. Equally she is looking for a new role in work that will involve shift changes. My hope would be that we can work around each other to some degree but now that she has a new personal relationship I would suggest she will be less inclined to work with me on that. Realistically it's not worth either of our while going to family court as she has nobody to fall back on when she's at work. Hopefully when he's of schools age it'll be a bit easier. I'm just trying to prepare for down the line as to date the financial settlement isn't sorted yet and that has caused issues in itself as she thinks I am coming after her share in her mother's house. Reason for this is because my solicitor has asked them to nominate an estate agent to value it as it's an asset that has to be declared for the discovery process. She is convinced I am instigating all this and trying to wipe her eye despite a number of assurances from me.
Best guess is she doesn't trust me, however I contact her only about the child and whatever chip she has on her shoulder is as a result of her own actions and/or lack of personal reflection. Will just do my best to take it as it comes. There is no point trying to 2nd guess or force anything. 

ZaSa1418

If you think she will be difficult then it is best to leave as much as you can within your hands e.g. shifts at work that accommodate your time with you son. Hopefully once all the divorce is done then you will be able to co-parent nicely for your son.

celblog88

Thanks Zasa. Yes I will do my best to make arrangements but I wouldn't be doing myself any favours not taking a new position for promotion to favour relations with her. That would make a rod for my back for years to come. I have already turned down numerous other opportunities up until now based on what I thought was best whereas she has turned some down out of them "not being for her". I need to just be a bit more assertive and not wait until things are changed and terms dictated. 

celblog88

Hi all
Been a while and just wanted to provide an update and outcome for those who would have/ will be in similar position.
The divorce proceedings were instigated in June/July 21 and full financial order was set out. The financials and discovery are the hold up for some. I had my ex's solicitor querying a £10 standing order into a savings account for my son, which....my ex also pays into and should not have been in question. 
Further there had to be valuations and discovery made on properties in our respective names. My ex rang me to work one day shouting at me and wanting to know why she was being asked about her mother's house in a discovery request letter...which was in my ex's name and basically accusing me of coming after the same. I assured her I had no interest and had already signed disclaimer subject to the discovery process going to plan.
This caused an issue around every month or so when my ex was questioning my motives based on whatever content was held in communication from my solicitor. Basically any legal speak in letters was being taken that I was somehow dictating the wording or having my solicitor go on the offensive etc. At this time she would try and discuss the legal/financial stuff directly with me and I would regularly have to remind her that there was no sense us both getting hot and bothered and that we weren't paying solicitors fees to do our own running and therefore I wouldn't be discussing anything other than child arrangements personally.
It was the best thing and the hardest thing I have ever had to do....not reacting angrily to gaslighting or falling foul of an argument instigated on the other side as sometimes people just want a rise.
Long and short of it was the financial split of home equity was agreed at 50/50, we both left pensions etc alone and I let her keep what was left in joint account (around £700) towards divorce fees. All in all my legal bill was around £2500 including court fees and full financial settlement and I was able to walk away with my half of the equity. 
My son is a happy healthy well rounded 5 year old now and is used to the routine. I currently still pay the CMS amount plus half of school fees, uniforms and afterschool (which is now bout £100 a month for my share). I know this is more than legally enforceable but my rationale was that I paid all those things when me and my ex were together and my son should not lose out. We pay for our own holidays and trips when we have him as you'd expect.
Divorce was finalised in April 22 and now that there are no financial ties the co-parenting has been a lot smoother and convivial.