Child Maintenance and Childcare fees

celblog88

We will only be 2 years separated next Spring so no petition made yet. I have worked out the maintenance both by myself and using the website and the figures come out the same based on me having him between 2 to 3 nights a week (on average). I see where she is coming from to an extent where she has to meet me before work to hand over the child and he's ready for bed etc but my argument is
a) I applied for my own shift adjustments to facilitate her working that shift
b) when her sister moves out next year or isn't available is has to be revisited or me forced to step in last minute
c) she then wants to dictate the terms of the other nights I get him
She wouldn't qualify for spousal maintenance as we are both paid £35k+ and by time I have paid CMS and nursery fees at current % split I have £50 per month less than her take home pay. For the most part, I don't object to much, I just want a fair split of equity (not sure how much that would be) and to have some sort of arrangement re childcare fees. She's adamant she shouldn't have to pay even 50% of them because she earns less than me (we are actually on same hourly pay level but she does 34 hours per week). I think she maybe isn't aware that the whole point of a clean break agreement is that we should be financially independent of one another and that, regardless of what my pay is compared to her's, the court would think she is safe from the breadline at 35k on a 34 hour week.

ZaSa1418

So to fix point A i would suggest you get the shift pattern changed so you finish earlier and that way it isnt just getting him and putting him to bed it is collecting him, feeding him dinner, bathing him and putting him to bed. Tell her that is your plan and see what she says to that. 
B wont exist if your fix A, plus her sister letting her down will be her problem to fix not yours.
To fix problem C you are simply going to have to be firm and tell her you will not be treated like a babysitter, he is your son too and she doesn't get to dictate everything. 

You definitely need to get a clean break financial order and do not under any circumstances agree to spousal maintenance. 

Keep all texts, voicemails and any other proof of conversations - if you end up in family court you will need it.

celblog88

Thanks Zasa I have kept all the texts etc. I have never made any demands or refused anything. However any response to demands made where there was any sort of give/take or consideration in my favour has until now been firmly shut down. At one time she said she might have to go to the CSA. If she does that opens up the floodgates for me to give only the assessed amount and let her worry about the rest. I do not want to see my son go without or to be unreasonable but I cannot continue to have my hand forced and demands made of me by someone who gives me one word responses when it suits and claims to want to be financially independent of me while expecting me to pay out the guts of £700 a month towards the maintenance of my son before I have spent a penny on him for my own time with him.

ZaSa1418

celblog88 said:

Thanks Zasa I have kept all the texts etc. I have never made any demands or refused anything. However any response to demands made where there was any sort of give/take or consideration in my favour has until now been firmly shut down. At one time she said she might have to go to the CSA. If she does that opens up the floodgates for me to give only the assessed amount and let her worry about the rest. I do not want to see my son go without or to be unreasonable but I cannot continue to have my hand forced and demands made of me by someone who gives me one word responses when it suits and claims to want to be financially independent of me while expecting me to pay out the guts of £700 a month towards the maintenance of my son before I have spent a penny on him for my own time with him.

Next time she threatens to go to the CSA call her bluff. Your son won't go without , you still see him a substantial amount and she earns money too, it isnt your job to pay for everything and her pay nothing towards his upkeep. 
Hopefully someone will tell her she is not being realistic but who knows. 

celblog88

I won't be unfair to her. Don't get me wrong, she pays into the childcare vouchers as well, however with her receiving the child benefit plus my maintenance I just don't believe it fair for me to be paying 57% nursery fees on top of maintenance for days I do not have him. It's a pity the way things have worked out.

ZaSa1418

celblog88 said:

I won't be unfair to her. Don't get me wrong, she pays into the childcare vouchers as well, however with her receiving the child benefit plus my maintenance I just don't believe it fair for me to be paying 57% nursery fees on top of maintenance for days I do not have him. It's a pity the way things have worked out.

It is a shame it has turned out like this and yes don't be unfair but also don't let her take the p. 
By all means pay towards nursery fees but pay for your days and she can pay for hers.
She has to realise you aren't together so while you are responsible for your sons upkeep you aren't responsible for hers and the sooner she realises that the better it will be for you all  

gwynlas

Maintenance is to cover your son and not to subsidize her lifestyle to the extent that she works less hours and gets more income plus child benefit. We only have your side of the story but she comes across as manipulative. Whilst you are obviously trying to remain amicable is there the possibility that you could with family support such as she has go for a 50/50 split of care. Let the court welfare service decide whether this is disruptive or not, children are quite adaptable if they are well looked after.

celblog88

The family support is very limited (through the week at least) as both my siblings and her sister work full time. Both of us have lost a parent each since we have been married, her mother in unable to assist as she is wheelchair bound with MS and my father also works full time. Again I don't want to force anyone's hand or be unfair but to be told I would have to go to family court to ask for 50/50, but she's happy for me to have him 3 nights per week, all the while claiming that she has reduced her hours to "save us both money" while maintaining that as a reason for me to pay 57.5% to her 42.5% on top of full calculated amount of maintenance leaves me feeling like I've nowhere to turn. Even if she met me somewhere in the middle re maintenance while he is still at nursery etc but I have had no concessions. I don't believe I'm being in any way unreasonable but she clearly does. I agree you lot are only hearing my side of it. But on the last occasion I tried to discuss a fair split of nursery fees she threatened to go back to work full time and put our son in nursery 5 days a week, meaning she would get her full pay and in her eyes, mistakenly believe that I would be liable for more fees than I already am. When she pulls stunts like that it makes me think:
a) Clearly there is hypocrisy around the "quality time" claim with our son
b) How can one argue that money is not the primary focus here when you refuse 50/50 custody but want your full times wages back at my further expense?
Sorry for banging on and thanks for all the input. I believe I know my rights and obligations but I don't want to be a bare minimum dad. Nor do I want to be dragged over the coals because there is no give and take.

ZaSa1418

You aren't liable to pay her any more than the amount that the child maintenance calculator says - that is a fact. 
Do the nursery know you have separated? 
Next time she says you will have to take her to court for 50/50 tell her that is fine but your nursery contributions will stop with immediate effect  and you will pay her exactly what the cms calculator says based on the circumstances and nothing extra as you will have to pay for extra legal fees and see what she says? 

kangoora

Just pay the CMS mandated amount. Pay childcare for days you have the child, they need looking after and you are unable to provide that care without childcare.

Nothing is going to change until you make it happen, coming on here and repeating all the same arguments and getting the same answers for 6 weeks isn't going to change a thing.

I really don't see a problem, apart from her treating you like a doormat and you continuing to allow it to happen.