Fallout for not attending a wedding.

thegreengreengrass112

74jax said:

Have you been away with the baby yet? It's not really that hard, I took mine at 3mths abroad for a preplanned holiday and she slept the full flight.
Do you want to go? Honestly? If you didn't have the baby?
If yes. Then go. It will work out and the baby will fit in.
If you don't, then looking back I'd probably just have said I couldn't attend, and not give the reasons you have. Just because that gives them something to come back with. 
As you have said no anyway and aunt has said don't contact again, just do that.
But I would look at maybe going further afield with the little one, just for confidence if nothing else. 

We completely get that, but we have been pressed for reasons why we are unable to attend and so have felt forced into explanations and justifications. In different circumstances, i.e. without the existence of covid amongst many other factors, we would have loved to. But amongst everything else, that's just tipped it over the edge and we feel unable to attend. 

MalMonroe

travisandabi said:

Me and my wife got married last year and invited our close friends and family for a medium/small sized wedding. This year, my wife's cousin is getting married and it was meant to be in May but due to Coronavirus plans changed. Since knowing the new date, the bride to be also stated that if her husband to be's family couldn't;t make it from Norway, the wedding would have to be postponed again! I start my teaching job in September and the wedding is for a Sunday and it's a three and a half hour drive from where we live. We also have a young daughter who is 5 months old who will find travelling for that amount of time difficult with teething pains etc etc. Also, she feeds on formula milk because breastfeeding was really difficult so we would have to make the bottles up as we need them which without a hotel room would be very stressful/impossible. Is it unreasonable for us not to attend the wedding? My wife's auntie is very, very upset that we aren't attending as they attended our wedding last year but the circumstances are totally different. We have explained politely why it is really difficult for us to attend and that we would have loved to have been there but a three and a half hour journey each way (without stopping) is too much to expect over a weekend when my job requires extra planning etc outside of school hours.

You are parents now and have to put your child's welfare before that of your wife's auntie. And also, think about the dangers of coronavirus. It's not even your wife's auntie who is getting married but she seems to have a bit of a selfish, childish attitude. 
 
Bending over backwards to please others is all very well but not when you have a small child to think of, as well as your job and the very long travel time. When my daughter was small she was so travel sick in the car that we could hardly go anywhere if it was more than half an hour away. 

You'd love to be there but you can't be for all the very valid reasons you've explained. It's just one of those things and any reasonable person would be able to understand. You have to put yourselves first.

Weddings are notorious for splitting extended family members, it's a well known phenomenon. Just do your own thing, you know what's best.

PS I've just read about that auntie's tantrum and she should be ashamed of herself. It's not even her wedding!!  I'd just leave things now, let everyone cool down but don't make yourselves ill by trying to fit in. You shouldn't have to apologise profusely to anyone. You can't go and that's that.

Spendless

There's no way I would have wanted to do a 7 hour drive in total AND attend a wedding with a baby on the same day. Instead I would have looked at staying over on the Saturday night, which would have also given you a base to sort out your bottle formula issue. Though do seek some advice from your HV over this. My eldest was a nightmare with formula milk, with upset stomachs, so we struggled when he was 12months+ with the switch to cow's milk but my HV told me how to do it successfully by increasing/decreasing ratios. It may be your HV can give some suggestions you've not thought of.

pollypenny

I don't think non-teachers realise that Sunday is a working day for teachers.  

OP, your new job and baby are your priorities. 

mr_stripey

pollypenny said:

I don't think non-teachers realise that Sunday is a working day for teachers.  

OP, you're new job and baby are your priorities. 

probably the same way teachers don't realise that non teachers have to go to work when there is 1cm of snow on the ground....

ZeroSum

Do the bride & groom live near to you, and having their wedding miles away. Or do they live close to venue?

If the former, just say you can't afford it. 
If you get married not on Saturday & have it miles away, then can't complain if some can't attend 

Spendless

pollypenny said:

I don't think non-teachers realise that Sunday is a working day for teachers.  

OP, you're new job and baby are your priorities. 

I've not known my teacher Neice actualy go into work on a Sunday, so unless she's unusual in this and many do physically go into their workplace on a Sunday I'm guessing any prep could be done on a different day such as the Saturday before setting off? 

thegreengreengrass112

Teaching is weird and many teachers are different in their routines and what they like to do outside of school. I personally feel that I want to get off to a good start at work having been out of school since March. It's my first teaching job and having missed out on a term of in school training (we completed the course remotely), I want to make a positive start in the first half term. The job isn't such a huge part of missing the wedding because we could make it work but I think travelling down on the Saturday to stay over, attending the wedding on the Sunday and then driving back (probably getting back late) and then going back to work on Monday would be a lot for us especially not being used to travelling with our little one. We are also moving house the weekend before so that is taking a lot of focus for us at the moment too. These aren't excuses to not attend, these are just the facts we feel we are entitled to politely decline the invite. This is why I asked the question 'are we being unreasonable?' We acknowledge that if we made the utmost effort we could attend but having considered our relationship to the bride and groom to be distant amongst everything else listed, we feel it most suitable for US to stay at home that weekend and wish them well on the big day. What came as a shock wasn't that the Aunt was disappointed and possibly upset, as we said we understood this as weddings are big occasions, it was the reaction to upset us and make us feel very guilty for not going to a wedding that we thought may be cancelled or postponed again. As well, the government only updated the guidance on weddings last week as they delayed their decision due to COVID. It's just difficult for us as we have been made to feel responsible for a family dispute. I personally can't see it being solved either which will cause further upset, not fur us, but for my Mother-In-Law who has been put in an awkward position herself for other reasons as well as this. 

gettingtheresometime

thegreengreengrass112 said:

Teaching is weird and many teachers are different in their routines and what they like to do outside of school. I personally feel that I want to get off to a good start at work having been out of school since March. It's my first teaching job and having missed out on a term of in school training (we completed the course remotely), I want to make a positive start in the first half term. The job isn't such a huge part of missing the wedding because we could make it work but I think travelling down on the Saturday to stay over, attending the wedding on the Sunday and then driving back (probably getting back late) and then going back to work on Monday would be a lot for us especially not being used to travelling with our little one. We are also moving house the weekend before so that is taking a lot of focus for us at the moment too. These aren't excuses to not attend, these are just the facts we feel we are entitled to politely decline the invite. This is why I asked the question 'are we being unreasonable?' We acknowledge that if we made the utmost effort we could attend but having considered our relationship to the bride and groom to be distant amongst everything else listed, we feel it most suitable for US to stay at home that weekend and wish them well on the big day. What came as a shock wasn't that the Aunt was disappointed and possibly upset, as we said we understood this as weddings are big occasions, it was the reaction to upset us and make us feel very guilty for not going to a wedding that we thought may be cancelled or postponed again. As well, the government only updated the guidance on weddings last week as they delayed their decision due to COVID. It's just difficult for us as we have been made to feel responsible for a family dispute. I personally can't see it being solved either which will cause further upset, not fur us, but for my Mother-In-Law who has been put in an awkward position herself for other reasons as well as this. 

I guess at the end of the day it depends on how much you want to salvage the relationship as to what actions you take next.
If you both don't care whether you speak to the Aunt/Bride & Groom again then stick to your guns and don't go.
If you then chat & see if there's a compromise (such as just your wife attending with your MIL)

BTW how big is the Bride's family? I'm just asking as we have a really small family and we've often joked that we would have to 'rent-a-family' to make up the numbers if Junior ever got married & I was just wondering if the Aunty's reaction had something to do with that.

Mojisola

A young baby, moving house and starting a new job - isn't that enough stress for anyone without adding in a seven hour round trip to an event where you might catch Covid?

I wonder how Auntie would be reacting if it was you expecting her daughter to do the trip while dealing with the same life events - would she be berating you for being inconsiderate?