Husband has willed our home to Daughter without consulting me 😢

Socajam

onwards&upwards said:

maman said:

 I know it's not a popular opinion but I think the husband is getting a bad deal when all he's done is try to protect his daughter's inheritance in case his much younger wife makes a new life for herself on the proceeds. 

I don't think much of a man who would have a problem with his wife trying to move and make a life for herself after he died.  Its not like she's wanting to run off with the money and have an affair!  Would he prefer her to wear her mourning clothes for the rest of her life and deny herself all pleasure or joy if she's widowed?

We have no idea what is going to happen, the OP's husband is security their daughter's future because this happens to often
The OP cannot say whatever she wants, but who is to say that one week after her husband died, she met someone, fell head over heels in love and then what - house sold, buy bigger house with new husband who may have children - now daughter's father's money have to shared, whereas before it was not.

maman

onwards&upwards said:

maman said:

 I know it's not a popular opinion but I think the husband is getting a bad deal when all he's done is try to protect his daughter's inheritance in case his much younger wife makes a new life for herself on the proceeds. 

I don't think much of a man who would have a problem with his wife trying to move and make a life for herself after he died.  Its not like she's wanting to run off with the money and have an affair!  Would he prefer her to wear her mourning clothes for the rest of her life and deny herself all pleasure or joy if she's widowed?

The point I was trying to make is the same as socajam in the previous post. Of course OP can move on but the will tries to ensure that the child's inheritance is protected. 

MoneySeeker1

AskAsk said:

olgadapolga said:

MoneySeeker1 said:

It was a marriage and not "living together". So much for "with all my worldly goods I thee endow" (ie as per the marriage service). Just the sheer wording of that marriage service makes it very plain that goods bought in an official marriage are joint property.

These words weren't part of the vows I - or my husband - made. But we see our marriage as a partnership and have shared everything equally, regardless of who was earning more at any one time.

Other people's marriages are different. The people who purchased our last home were very odd. Both came to view the house (multiple times, they were a bit of a pain) but it was the husband who made the offer. It was very clear that he was in charge and it was his name only that the conveyancer used, hers was never mentioned. The mortgage and house were in his name only. It was bizarre. It was almost as though his wife didn't count for anything other than being "his" wife.

Similar situation occurred with a friend of mine but her set-up was even more odd (to me, anyway). She had a well paid job before she met him, moved into HIS house and then married him. They had children, she gave up her job to look after them and when they moved house, the new house was solely in his name. But they also had their own bank accounts (I have no idea how their finances were managed once she gave up working) but just after they were married, they invited us to visit for a meal. When we got there, complete with wine, etc., (as you do) they announced that we'd be going to a local pub instead. Fine. Found a table at the pub, sat down to decide what to order and then the husband disappeared. He came back a few minutes later with a drink and announced that he'd ordered and paid for his meal. Just his meal. Not hers. Or ours. Who goes to a pub with others and doesn't buy a round of drinks, even? If I'd invited friends out for a meal, I'd have paid for it. Certainly before my friend married this chap, that was how we used to do things. If I asked her out, I paid and vice versa. It was very odd (in my eyes, anyway). But apparently normal to them. 

it could be he bought the house as an investment and not their home?  not all couples have joint finances.  my husband and I keep our finances separate, and I find this is easier as we can do what we want with our money without having to consult each other.
what i do find strange is that i often hear our female friends leaving all the decisions to their husbands.  so if we asked them how much the house cost or how much such work cost, they wouldn't know and said their husbands dealt with it all so they don't know.  seems like a lot of women in marriage leave the financial decisions to their husbands, even when those decisions affect them directly.

That doesn't surprise me - ie women often abrogating their rights to equal say on this.

I know I'm often gobsmacked at watching women in my own agegroup doing a "not bothering their pretty (or otherwise) little heads" with things and just how "sheltered" they feel compared to my life of always having been single and HAD to get on and deal with things etc. But I wouldn't trade the "having" to deal with things with having to trust someone else to deal with them as well and as fairly as I would - I've seen them come to grief too often from not taking their 50% part in things/knowing everything/etc/etc.

To my mind - it's good mental practice for non-marriage type relationships - for knowing when you're a stakeholder in something-or-other and doing what you can to get the message home you have a right to your say because of that fact. Admits to often being very surprised at just how often obvious stakeholders in something-or-other don't even seem to think they're entitled to their say/share of decision-making and a marriage like this doesn't provide the "training" people need to stand up for themselves in other environments and expect to have their say in things affecting them.

Not to mention good training for the fact we are supposed to live in a democracy (I did use the word "supposed" - being cynical and distinctly realistic). But we all need to know at what points we have a right to have a say and be used to doing so (or trying to in the case of our Government......). Hence we start with personal relationships.

THE thing with this husband is not so much how he has left THEIR house - but the fact he didn't give OP her 50% say in what would be happening re the Will. He made her share of that decision - as well as his own share. He's treated her like she doesn't have a brain herself to think with (and so he must do the thinking for them both) and like she isn't a stakeholder (but she is!).

xylophone

If your husband died tomorrow, you would have a life interest in possession. 

if the IIP has been drafted properly, it should allow you to downsize etc - see  https://www.marlowwills.co.uk/life-interest-in-possession-trusts.aspx

You do not say who is named as exor/trustee in your husband's will.

Presumably your husband's  pension does make some provision for his widow.

Have you made your own will? Have you and your husband named a guardian for your daughter in the event that you should both die while she is still a minor?

Have you and your husband obtained state pension forecasts?
https://www.google.com/search?q=state+pension+forecast+uk&oq=state+pension+forecast&aqs=chrome.2.69i57j69i59j0l6.8482j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

AskAsk

elsien said:

Send his wife out to work?
The pittance she earned before? 
She doesn't have the capacity to earn more?
Come back the 1950s,  all is forgiven.

lol.  so i am using artistic language 

but our friend, for example, earns 150k a year.  he has provided for the whole family.  he works long hours and he works very hard.  his wife stayed at home to look after their 2 kids until they were at primary school, so she was only ever at home until they were old enough to go to school, then she went back to work part time.  she works in a school so she earns very little but she has a middle class lifestyle, thanks to her husband.  she chooses to work part time because her husband earns enough for the whole family.
they are still together, but if they got divorced, she would end up with half of his assets.  she would never have been able to accumulate this if she worked for herself and she would never have afforded the middle class lifestyle if she didn't marry someone that earned that much money.

we have a friend of a friend who worked as a secretary before she met her husband. he is some big wig film producer.  after 6 years of marriage, they got divorced.  she ended up with a huge house, that she would never have been able to afford on her salary as a secretary.  and to kick him in the teeth, she sold the house and moved far away from him to make it difficult for him to get access to his son.  again, how can that be fair.

i have more examples of the same.  so in my experience the bloke always loses out big style if they are the big money earner.  i am not complaining as the law works in my favour, i am just saying it is not fair in my opinion.

Socajam

AskAsk said:

elsien said:

Send his wife out to work?
The pittance she earned before? 
She doesn't have the capacity to earn more?
Come back the 1950s,  all is forgiven.

lol.  so i am using artistic language 

but our friend, for example, earns 150k a year.  he has provided for the whole family.  he works long hours and he works very hard.  his wife stayed at home to look after their 2 kids until they were at primary school, so she was only ever at home until they were old enough to go to school, then she went back to work part time.  she works in a school so she earns very little but she has a middle class lifestyle, thanks to her husband.  she chooses to work part time because her husband earns enough for the whole family.
they are still together, but if they got divorced, she would end up with half of his assets.  she would never have been able to accumulate this if she worked for herself and she would never have afforded the middle class lifestyle if she didn't marry someone that earned that much money.

we have a friend of a friend who worked as a secretary before she met her husband. he is some big wig film producer.  after 6 years of marriage, they got divorced.  she ended up with a huge house, that she would never have been able to afford on her salary as a secretary.  and to kick him in the teeth, she sold the house and moved far away from him to make it difficult for him to get access to his son.  again, how can that be fair.

i have more examples of the same.  so in my experience the bloke always loses out big style if they are the big money earner.  i am not complaining as the law works in my favour, i am just saying it is not fair in my opinion.

This mother is going to have a rude awakening when this child becomes of age.
A friend of mine did the same thing - told the daughter countless lies about the father, how he was not supporting her etc
Well guess what, the daughter is now in her 20s and the relationship between her and the mother has soured because she found out that her mother was and is a liar.
Whilst the mother was at work, she looked her all her papers and found out that the father was supporting her very well indeed. She went ballistic with the mother and told her everything that she found
She now have a better relationship with the father and the mother is on the sideline
Parents are too spiteful to realize that children do not stay young for ever, what goes on in the dark always find the light

badmemory

I would be very interested to hear what would happen if she told her husband that it was time she went back out to work.  That she didn't want her daughter to be brought up believing that her only role in life was as a housekeeper/nanny.  Incidentally, the poster earlier who mentioned employing a nanny has obviously never employed one.

I hope if I was in the OPs position I would have the strength to divorce, unfortunately, after long enough being treated as someone who really doesn't matter, you begin to think that you don't.  She probably thinks he would go for sole custody, he probably will, but only to upset her, it will not be something that he really wants & at the very last moment when she has ordered her solicitor to reduce her demands - he will back "everso generously" down.  It is all about control!

maman

badmemory said:

I would be very interested to hear what would happen if she told her husband that it was time she went back out to work.  That she didn't want her daughter to be brought up believing that her only role in life was as a housekeeper/nanny.  

So would I but probably for different reasons. 🤔

AskAsk

Socajam said:

AskAsk said:

elsien said:

Send his wife out to work?
The pittance she earned before? 
She doesn't have the capacity to earn more?
Come back the 1950s,  all is forgiven.

lol.  so i am using artistic language 

but our friend, for example, earns 150k a year.  he has provided for the whole family.  he works long hours and he works very hard.  his wife stayed at home to look after their 2 kids until they were at primary school, so she was only ever at home until they were old enough to go to school, then she went back to work part time.  she works in a school so she earns very little but she has a middle class lifestyle, thanks to her husband.  she chooses to work part time because her husband earns enough for the whole family.
they are still together, but if they got divorced, she would end up with half of his assets.  she would never have been able to accumulate this if she worked for herself and she would never have afforded the middle class lifestyle if she didn't marry someone that earned that much money.

we have a friend of a friend who worked as a secretary before she met her husband. he is some big wig film producer.  after 6 years of marriage, they got divorced.  she ended up with a huge house, that she would never have been able to afford on her salary as a secretary.  and to kick him in the teeth, she sold the house and moved far away from him to make it difficult for him to get access to his son.  again, how can that be fair.

i have more examples of the same.  so in my experience the bloke always loses out big style if they are the big money earner.  i am not complaining as the law works in my favour, i am just saying it is not fair in my opinion.

This mother is going to have a rude awakening when this child becomes of age.
A friend of mine did the same thing - told the daughter countless lies about the father, how he was not supporting her etc
Well guess what, the daughter is now in her 20s and the relationship between her and the mother has soured because she found out that her mother was and is a liar.
Whilst the mother was at work, she looked her all her papers and found out that the father was supporting her very well indeed. She went ballistic with the mother and told her everything that she found
She now have a better relationship with the father and the mother is on the sideline
Parents are too spiteful to realize that children do not stay young for ever, what goes on in the dark always find the light

she is a selfish cow as she has deprived her son time with his dad, who loves him.  anyhow, the bloke has had to move nearer to her so that he can visit his son.  so now he lives in both places as he still need to go to work.

GoodLuckGemma

Hello everyone 😀
I am finding your posts VERY helpful and am learning a lot.
Everyone knows I am a very attentive and caring mother - my daughter's Head Teacher even told me this.
I am VERY lonely in my marriage and this has been made 10 times worse by the Pandemic.  I was shielding for 14 weeks & it was so hard....... last Sunday my husband spoke 3 or 4 sentences to me and then spent most of the day in his study watching stuff on his computer.  The ONLY time I really see him is when I have made the supper - he comes down, eats it , watches his news then disappears to his shower.
He gives our daughter a similar lack of attention 😞, saying he's "too busy". Oh and the gardening is also his priority !!!   Does anyone know of any really GOOD decent  Divorce lawyers I could speak to ref his will & his excluding me / treating me like crap?? 
I told him SEVERAL times I would NEVER remarry ........and nor would I