Husband has willed our home to Daughter without consulting me 😢

onwards&upwards

maman said:

Arranging a play date would be no big deal for someone used to genuine big deals! 🤣 All it needs is some organisation and then there'd be plenty of time left over for golf or lunches. 😉 

So why do more men not do it if its such a doddle?

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jackieblack said:

The argument that ‘men tend to earn more‘ was certainly true in the past due to gender discrimination, but these days generally occurs where the man is older than the woman and therefore more established in their career when children arrive (as in OPs situation). 

When the couple are of a similar age and professional status this is no longer necessarily the case. Most couples I know in their 20s/30s who have not yet had children earn broadly similar salaries. 

Actually there is still a pay gap, although as you say it has narrowed in single adults, as soon as couples start having children it widens dramatically.  Men aren't doing their fair share of the parenting by any means yet. 

maman

onwards&upwards said:

maman said:

Arranging a play date would be no big deal for someone used to genuine big deals! 🤣 All it needs is some organisation and then there'd be plenty of time left over for golf or lunches. 😉 

So why do more men not do it if its such a doddle?

I know it can be difficult to follow an online conversation but it was a comment in a context. Why would a man (or other sole breadwinner) arrange play dates when he's out at work and the partner is at home making a job out of domestic duties? The partner at home (like OP) can't have it both ways. 

AskAsk

onwards&upwards said:

jackieblack said:

The argument that ‘men tend to earn more‘ was certainly true in the past due to gender discrimination, but these days generally occurs where the man is older than the woman and therefore more established in their career when children arrive (as in OPs situation). 

When the couple are of a similar age and professional status this is no longer necessarily the case. Most couples I know in their 20s/30s who have not yet had children earn broadly similar salaries. 

Actually there is still a pay gap, although as you say it has narrowed in single adults, as soon as couples start having children it widens dramatically.  Men aren't doing their fair share of the parenting by any means yet. 

sadly there is a pay gap between men and women.  it isn't as bad as it used to be, but without a doubt it is still there. 
it comes not just from market forces but men will tend to get promoted over women at work.  there are high paid professions where those employed are mainly men and so as a woman it is difficult to get your foot in the door and even when you do, you are outnumbered by the men, who will choose other men to promote as they are all pals.

bosses in big organisations tend to be men and when the company is run by men, they will natural promote other men.

maman

I agree that the pay gap widens and that men end up in the influential, higher paid positions. To me, it's one of the reasons that women should try to take short career breaks and that employers (and fathers) should explore shared parental leave more. I don't mean paternity leave but sharing the maternity leave 6 months each. It's not so easy to discriminate against a woman when her CV is strong(er).

onwards&upwards

maman said:

onwards&upwards said:

maman said:

Arranging a play date would be no big deal for someone used to genuine big deals! 🤣 All it needs is some organisation and then there'd be plenty of time left over for golf or lunches. 😉 

So why do more men not do it if its such a doddle?

I know it can be difficult to follow an online conversation but it was a comment in a context. Why would a man (or other sole breadwinner) arrange play dates when he's out at work and the partner is at home making a job out of domestic duties? The partner at home (like OP) can't have it both ways. 

Thank you for your concern but I have no trouble following conversations. 

I'm sure you are aware that even when women are the higher earner, or both partners earn roughly equal amounts, women still generally take on more domestic and childcare responsibilities.  

So, my question again, if arranging play dates and the other tasks that make up the full spectrum of child rearing are so easy, why don't more men actually do them?

onwards&upwards

maman said:

I agree that the pay gap widens and that men end up in the influential, higher paid positions. To me, it's one of the reasons that women should try to take short career breaks and that employers (and fathers) should explore shared parental leave more. I don't mean paternity leave but sharing the maternity leave 6 months each. It's not so easy to discriminate against a woman when her CV is strong(er).

A depressingly high percentage of manager still admit to not wanting to employ women of childbearing age (or women at all), no matter what her CV may look like.  And if that many will openly admit to it how many think that way but deny it! 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/business/third-bosses-avoid-hiring-women-could-have-children-soon/

Savvy_Sue

onwards&upwards said:

A depressingly high percentage of manager still admit to not wanting to employ women of childbearing age (or women at all), no matter what her CV may look like.  And if that many will openly admit to it how many think that way but deny it! 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/business/third-bosses-avoid-hiring-women-could-have-children-soon/

That's the thing I really don't understand. 'Childbearing age' - that's a rather wider range than it used to be, have they considered that? Plus has no-one ever pointed out that there's adoption leave, which is open to single and gay men, AND what used to be maternity leave can be shared with the father!

It means that ANYONE in the workplace could take an extended period of leave to care for children. 

And while it's rare for men to exercise their rights in this area, increasingly I think they will! 

onwards&upwards

Savvy_Sue said:

onwards&upwards said:

A depressingly high percentage of manager still admit to not wanting to employ women of childbearing age (or women at all), no matter what her CV may look like.  And if that many will openly admit to it how many think that way but deny it! 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/business/third-bosses-avoid-hiring-women-could-have-children-soon/

And while it's rare for men to exercise their rights in this area, increasingly I think they will! 

I certainly hope so!  That would probably be the only thing that could have much of an impact on tis kind of discrimination, changing the law hasn't helped much!

Retireinten

Going back to the original issue of the fairness of the will and also whether divorce is the next step!

Honestly OP, I wouldn't be very happy if I didn't own my own home or if my husband willed it all directly to the kids... but then again I have contributed financially more than my husband over the years, whilst raising two children and the property has always been in joint names.  I would consider changing our ownership to tenants in common and giving each half to the kids directly, to protect at least a portion of their inheritance from care home fees and a future marriage on either side.


So I don't really see a problem with the will as such - I can see that the husband is trying to protect his daughters inheritance from a future marriage, on the basis that he is likely to die before the OP.  This is something I wish my MIL would do. She does own half her house but there is no will, she has health issues and so it is likely her step son (they are not close) will eventually inherit the entire property from his father after she, and then he dies. That essentially means her three children are disinherited from a property that their dad worked hard to fund - he died of cancer before he was 50 but left MIL mortgage free with a decent lump sum and pension.

Let's look at this from the OPs husbands perspective. You're not happy in this marriage OP and it sounds like your husband isn't either. He's 64, should be planning to retire after years of working to put a roof over his family's head... Can he afford to do that? Could he just be exhausted from the responsibility of being the main earner after all these years? I think I would be! I am a female, married for 19 years and have been the main earner for most of that time and the primary care giver (yes we do exist, those women that somehow find themselves juggling a career and 95% of the household chores and caregiving... and convinced that this equality business was dreamed up by a man!). BUT I would hate to have the responsibility of paying ALL the bills ALL the time, my stress levels would be through the roof.  Can you not appreciate his contribution to this... I am not excusing his behaviour here!

I don't think the will is the issue. You're not happy and you need to decide if your marriage has broken down to the point the only option is divorce. Only YOU can decide this, not people on a forum. If you do get divorced you will no doubt walk away with at least 50% of the house equity and a portion of his pension BUT you are young, you have a treatable condition that shouldn't stop you from working if under control and you will be expected to go back to work in the future to pay for that roof over your head.  He is also close to retirement and his needs in retirement will be taken into account too - you have 15+ years of working life left in you, your husband does not.

Unless he is very wealthy, you will not walk away from this marriage with enough to fund your lifestyle from now until the day you die.  So if you divorce go into this knowing that you gain your freedom from him, a good portion of the marital assets but you will most likely have to change your lifestyle to financially support yourself in the future.