Breaking up - is this the end?

sweetsand

hanawick andAliasOmega - incredible insight, thank you both - 10/10. I hope OP takes up your offer if he is inclined to speak with the cheat - in time the OP will see what a lucky escape he had

thank you again guys and ATB
xx

Fireflyaway

Maybe for a second, pretend you don't know your ex. You are single and someone tells you about this person they know that might be a potential for a girlfriend. A neighbour let's say. The neighbour seems to be a nice person that you might want to meet for a date. But then before you meet your friend tells you this person actually cheated on their partner. They gave the partner the cold shoulder and then left him for another man. Would that not put you off? I think you are grieving for what could have been and that's totally understandable. What actually is, is a situation where someone severely disrespected you. Focus on your self worth then you will realize you don't need second best. 

sweetsand

Fireflyaway said:

Maybe for a second, pretend you don't know your ex. You are single and someone tells you about this person they know that might be a potential for a girlfriend. A neighbour let's say. The neighbour seems to be a nice person that you might want to meet for a date. But then before you meet your friend tells you this person actually cheated on their partner. They gave the partner the cold shoulder and then left him for another man. Would that not put you off? I think you are grieving for what could have been and that's totally understandable. What actually is, is a situation where someone severely disrespected you. Focus on your self worth then you will realize you don't need second best. 

Some great posts on this thread,  
As a good friend at work said to me,  " ...... it's not the cheating that hurts but the deception" and that has stuck in my mind since.
I've had offers since married and I rejected them and now older and wiser, I never let it get to the offer stage and can tell if flirty blokes will make a pass then pass it off as just joking.  I hope my OH never cheats on me but from my own experience before marriage with ex and seeing others hearing stories, the deceived is usally the last to know.

My OH is free to access my emails, lap top, mobile etc as i have nothing to hide. The give away of a deceiver is if you answer their phone, or it rings you pick it up to take it to them, the get angry, agitated, trust me they are cheating, yes, cheating no matter even if they swear on their mothers, children's lives they will lie, lie and lie again until they are ready to leave.

OP, chin up mate you are young, yest i have said it before - you must be thinking why me - but you are the lucky one as you found out early - i've met people that have been deceived for years and worse still their children they thought were theirs are not - so you are lucky, trust me. TBH, it will take time to get over it and the new GF whenever that is, you will indeed have fears about being cheated again it's natuarl to think like that but be yourself, give them trust but do ask questions as it shows you care

x

KimBaumgart

It is okay that you need to went. I went through a break up after 9 years together. The only thing I can say, you will need a year! One winter, one spring, one summer, and one autumn without her. After that, it gets easier...

saver772

Things are getting better, I still need to sort out the practical stuff such as finances etc but I've spent lots of time with my family and at the gym. 

She contacted me a few days ago to wish me happy birthday, I really want to respond but I haven't. Her family also visited to give me a present and card which is a nice gesture but made it difficult.

Some days I feel fine and think "f**k you" other days I just want to speak to her to find out how she is. Still I've not spoken to her I'm about 3 weeks so its still early days

sweetsand

saver772 said:

Things are getting better, I still need to sort out the practical stuff such as finances etc but I've spent lots of time with my family and at the gym. 

She contacted me a few days ago to wish me happy birthday, I really want to respond but I haven't. Her family also visited to give me a present and card which is a nice gesture but made it difficult.

Some days I feel fine and think "f**k you" other days I just want to speak to her to find out how she is. Still I've not spoken to her I'm about 3 weeks so its still early days

Trust me she is she does not mean it if she did, you would not be were you are. IMO, things may already be not looking good for here. You stick to your guns, you've just had a lucky escape but it does not feel like that but it will, in a few months.

saver772

Quick update. 

I've fully accepted the fact that we're done now, it's not easy but a lot easier than it was a few weeks ago. I've still had no contact with her although shes coming back this week to get some more stuff and asked me to be in(not sure why).

I'm now worrying if I will meet anyone else, most people my age have their own families or are in long term steady relationships. I will have to bite the bullet and download the likes of Tinder,not too sure how successful these are though.

I'm focusing on me at present and got myself fully immersed into work and the gym.

MovingForwards

I've never used a dating agency or app to find people to date, always been through friends or hobbies.

I'm with my partner because of a mutual interest, was friends through that for a few years before having our first date, after a few dates we were engaged and I moved to be with him after a couple of months.

Recently purchased a home and it's all worked out rather well in just under 4 years from first date to now. 

Don't rush to start dating, you haven't long broken up. Use the time to find yourself, find your feet and the rest will fall into place in time.

sweetsand

good to all is ok as can be, Savers!
x

[Deleted User]

I went through a break up after 15 years.  It wasn't a good relationship but I did love him.  He asked me to get back together with him and a month later he blocked my phone number, basically ghosted me.  I had thought we could still be friends (we have a son together).  Then a few days before xmas (a couple of months after he asked me to get back together with him) I received a wonderful message from his new gf saying they were getting married and could I respect their relationship (that I hadn't even known about). I had messaged him on facebook occasionally (I mean once or twice a week) on what was happening in our lives.  Nothing untoward.   Doesn't seem to occur to either that I am a person with feelings.  What he did made me feel totally worthless.  However, although it didn't necessarily reduce the sad feelings, I realised that after 15 years I was free to do what I wanted.

I posted on here and someone did say find something you like doing, that makes you feel happy and do it.  It'll help you get through.  So that's what I did.., lol, I'm a bit of a saddo I'm afraid but I watched a complete 9 series run of a TV programme I like that was quite optimistic.  It got me through the worst of it and stopped me feeling so down.  I'm also getting counselling because I need to find out why I put up with what was a fairly bad relationship for so long, and to figure out how I move forward in a mentally healthier way.  When someone makes you feel like nothing for so long, there's a lot of harm to undo.  You also doubt your ability to judge after having gotten something so wrong (thought this guy was a good guy, explained away things I really shouldn't have done etc etc).  

I actually threw away any clothes with memories that made me sad (all replaced with nice stuff now) and have gotten some big DIY jobs done (including one ex said I'd never be able to do, so proud of that).

This is an opportunity to figure out what you want from life, concentrate on the future not the past except to learn positively from it.  Do things that make you happy even if only temporary.  If you need it, organise some counselling.  

I hope some elements of this make sense to you.

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