Breaking up - is this the end?

saver772

Hi everyone

My partner has left me and I'm struggling to process this and take everything in. We've been together for just over 5 years and live in our own house.

 We have had a tough year and things have gone stale, shes repeatedly told me shes not happy and she rarely spends any time at home, we consistently disagree on things and I always feel like I'm treading on eggshells around her. I've suspected she has been cheating on me for a while, which I've managed to prove (wont go into the details), but she still is adamant nothing has gone on. I believe she's currently staying with this man. 

Our problems are caused by both of us, I am the first to admit I haven't paid her the attention I should have and we've had problems with communication.

In spite of all of this I am absolutely devastated and would do anything to have her back. Shes only taken her essential items and theres still numerous belongings here. We've agreed to sit down and talk but shes told me she doesnt want to come back.

Were both 30 and shes been gone over a week. 

I dont really know why I'm posting this, I just needed to vent. Is there any suggestions on what to so. 

I haven't even thought about what to do with the house mortgage etc. As I'm so hurt emotionally. 

Hoping to feel better soon.

Thanks

burlingtonfl6

She has done something called ''monkey branching''
Basically, your relationship was over long ago. She's been cheating on you with this other man but hasn't left you until she was certain about the new guy. 
You were the safety net.
My advice, forget her. She's a cheat and you'll never trust her again. Find someone else.

Oh, and you're a mug if you'd do ''anything to get her back''

Comms69

She cheated on you, it's time to cut her out of your life and move on. 

MovingForwards

You can cling on, but you will feel even worse about yourself. 

If you have a spare room in your home, put all her stuff in bags, put them in the room and close the door.
Rearrange furniture, move the contents of the kitchen around. 
Pick up the phone and call your friends / family. Make plans for your new future.

I tried my hardest to make my marriage work after my ex fell for someone else; traded me in for a younger model as he did his first wife (not me BTW). We were together 21 years. I also started making a new life for myself after a few months. The longer I kept holding on for my ex, the worse I felt about myself. I kept working on my new life until I had enough planned to start over.

At the time I was 10 years older than you, thousands in debt and I packed my car, had a bit of money to cover shared rent / bills / food for a few months, no job to go to etc. 4 years later I'm debt free, divorced, engaged to a lovely guy and recently purchased my own home.

There is life after sadness and it will get better.

sweetsand

Dear OP

I finding posting your thoughts helps.

I am as good as certain the excuses she gave were fake as she had another man, woman on the side. Sadly I've seen this kind of thing several times and they make you feel guilty but they do not want to work at it.

you may be embaraased and feel low that people may lol at you. Sadly some will, so ignore them

You have age on your side - move on and never let her back into your life - easier said than done when it happens but trust me it will be the best move ever.

Caution advised - your new GF, you will have worries is the same thing going to happen, so be aware and move on with your life and do not let her back in

your choice but I've seen it happen too many times where the cheat deceives their OH time and time again.

Chin up and if you have family, share it with them as they won't lol in most cases but only share what you want to and nothing else as some throw it back in your face
x

sweetsand

Dear Op

Sorry  - just want to add, you will be better off - trust me and tell us in a few weeks time

Good luck and take care.
x

BellaLasagna2018

You are hurt emotionally and so you are vulnerable and, from experience,  my advice would be to take a bit of time before making big decisions like what happens to the mortgage etc.. let it all sink in for a few days, even a week or two. 

Fireflyaway

It's early days and the strong emotions will cause you to think irrationally. Suddenly your future plans have been taken away and you feel out of control because all of this has been done to you against your will. Getting her back seems like the logical solution because it enables you to regain some control of the situation and gives you hope you might still proceed with your life as you had planned. 
People do get over sticky patches in relationships but you need to evaluate if what your partner has done can be justified and could you ever really get over it?  She could have talked to you, asked to attend counselling or suggested ways to improve the relationship. Even if you had issues, cheating and leaving you for someone else is quite extreme. The other fact is that you can't make her love you / be faithful / move back etc. 
Everyone has different tolerances and it's your call what you decide to accept. I'd say although it's very traumatic now, how would you feel in a years time if she came back? Would you ever trust her again? Would you be relaxed and comfortable ? Taking her back may well give the signal that to a degree you have tolerated what she has done. It's very hard to move on but in the long run wouldn't you rather find happiness with someone who respects you and is honest? A hard decision now might well pay off in the long run. 

Socajam

I agree with all the comments
Happened to me in 1989, thought my world ad come to an end
I had to buy him out of the mortgage, but today I am in another relationship, could not be happier and mortgage free
She is gone, do not allow her back, she cannot be trusted and will only break your heart and create more financial mess later on.
Good luck

sweetsand

Excellent posting of the facts, socajam, thanks for confirming.

Having said that, it is easier said than done and I've met other women that promised to chop it off if they every caught their OH cheating but come the reality, it's hard and I've seen and heard people beg the cheat to stay - its becuse even though they have an idea about the cheating it still comes as a shock

OP, look it it like this - imagine she has 1. 2 or three kids and you found out years down the road they were not yours, how would you feel then about her - trust me and poster gave you an example of their life being better afterwards - condier yourself lucky though it will not seem like it for a while.

x

saver772

Thank you for the comments, I really appreciate them.

I spoke with her yesterday, which was hard- I've suggested having no contact for the foreseeable, to concentrate on ourselves in the hope we can both heal and love ourselves again. I felt a lot better after that yesterday, but this morning I feel devastated again. I've tried to start exercising and spending more time out of the house away from my thoughts which seems to be helping.

I think I'm going to use this thread to post my thoughts and feelings daily as it does help. 

Everyone says it gets easier, and I know it will but I'm struggling to see how or when.

Thanks again