Breaking up - is this the end?

Comms69

saver772 said:

badmemory said:

Comms69 said:

My experience is roughly 1 month per year of relationship; but you'll see improvements as you go along

I would definitely agree with this.  You can try relationships before that time is up, but frankly they are doomed because you need to move on properly, no harm in trying though!

I would suggest getting into a relationship when you're not ready and hurting someone else is causing harm.

Not if you set appropriate boundaries, if it's just sex, then unlikely anyone would get hurt

sweetsand

saver772 said:

sweetsand said:

Comms69 said:

My experience is roughly 1 month per year of relationship; but you'll see improvements as you go along

It could be sooner from what I have seen if you meet someone else but please ensure it's no rebound on your or the other parties behalf.

ATB

TBH meeting someone else is the absolute last thing I want right now. I couldn't think of anything worse.

For sure you say that and no doubt that is how you feel but never say never.

Fireflyaway

I'd suggest it's going to be difficult until you get straight in your mind what the future is going to be. If you accept its over and that you are worth so much more respect than this, it will be easier than if you keep questioning that you might get back together. It's natural to remember the good times and grieve for what you thought your life was going to be but try to also be logical and realize that your ex is actually a liar and she slept with someone else and then left you. If this happened to your mate what would you tell him / her? You would probably want better for them. 
My husband moved out in January and it was only last month that I began to feel OK. We have been together 17 years. What helped me the most was posting on here and taking care of myself. I realized I'd neglected myself a bit. Last week I went for a massage. I got my nails done. I bought a Jo Malone candle because id always wanted one (not worth the money by the way!) and changed the curtains that I'd always hated! Nobody will love you as much as you can love yourself! It's such a cliche but time does do wonders. It will definitely get better and to be fair you probably dodged a bullet. Imagine living your life with her and then finding she had been cheating on you for years of as another poster said, you have kids but they are not yours. Actually would you want a woman with a lack of morals like this to be the mother of your kids ? I think you could pick better. Maybe you dont plan to have kids but you get my point. Once you value yourself more the upset will change to anger at what she did and it will be easier to do without her. 

saver772

Thanks everyone.

Feel slightly better today, saw some family last night so that might be why. I've deleted all forms of social media so I don't get the urge to stalk her profile and depress myself. 

I'm still finding it hard to concentrate at work so that's something I need to sort out ASAP. I plan on starting back at the gym next week and throwing myself completely at it, hopefully that will help. This book seems to have had reviews so Amazon are delivering this today- willing to try anything at the moment.
https://blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/9780767909082?gC=5a105e8b&gclid=CjwKCAjw1K75BRAEEiwAd41h1JETDaGHUR5Iq5nY5HSWYWbbYkjfA3csM8xsfvg1zHw63QelDfjAyRoCMuIQAvD_BwE

gwynlas

You will have to start thinking about the practicalities sooner rather than later such as direct debits for mortgage, utilities council tax etc nd joint accounts.Would you want to /can you afford to buy her out to stay in the house? Otherwise you need to think about putting house on the market so that you can both move on. The problem with the break up of a long relationship is that it is like a bereavment without any of the finality or help and sympathy that would normally come your way.

sweetsand

saver772 said:

Thanks everyone.

Feel slightly better today, saw some family last night so that might be why. I've deleted all forms of social media so I don't get the urge to stalk her profile and depress myself. 

I'm still finding it hard to concentrate at work so that's something I need to sort out ASAP. I plan on starting back at the gym next week and throwing myself completely at it, hopefully that will help. This book seems to have had reviews so Amazon are delivering this today- willing to try anything at the moment.
https://blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/9780767909082?gC=5a105e8b&gclid=CjwKCAjw1K75BRAEEiwAd41h1JETDaGHUR5Iq5nY5HSWYWbbYkjfA3csM8xsfvg1zHw63QelDfjAyRoCMuIQAvD_BwE

Good to hear that!!!

We dont do "soc media" possibly becuse we are older but been into the internet etc since 1997 that is a long time ago but never done face books etc other than taking the p via a pysodenomus name.
soc media is a reciepe for disaster and ends belly up in most cases.
delete her phone, email, every thing - she can contact you when she wants her so-called share - you are better of as cheats can deceive their OH's for years and people have had breakdowns when they found out after many years their OH was being shared and they were being told porkies and many lol behind you back.

Please do not forget that you next OH may not go to plan as that is life but you having been at the end of a cheaters stick will never chat, i hope as you know what it feels like but easier said than done you will need to trust you new/OH
Get a shower, shave, wear a t-shirt, shorts and if nothing more do a quick walk and have a light lunch and watch the tv.

do you have parents that are still alive in contact?? if yes mums/dads can be v comforting. 
Honestly you are lucky as you do not have std or a child you thought was yours but not
Chin up and gradually move on but be aware of meeting someone how has just been cheated on as you both won't be thinking striate if you know what i mean, with respect
x

saver772

Finding being off social media helps, I dont spend as much time endlessly scrolling through facebook to see updates of people I dont know or care about.

Feeling a lot better than i was a week or so ago, her parents contacted me yesterday to see how i was which didnt help, I'm trying to focus on everything that was wrong in the relationships and convince myself I will be ok and hopefully have a better life in 12 months. I can't help but wonder how will I feel when I eventually see her, there's a load of stuff that needs sorting with finances etc- I dont plan on contacting her for at least a month.

I would recommend the book I mentioned previously, it really does it help and allows you to see how a break up allows you to reevaluate where you are in life and gives you the opportunity to do things you've put off for so many years. 

Ramble over.

sweetsand

Please to hear that. Re her parents, don't feel low, they appear to be nice people having contacted you to c if u r ok.
IMO you have not done anything wrong, women and men will stray and more and more women ie just as many as men are having a bit on the side - some say it started off as fun - the good news is you are not being deceived any more. It's going to be hard, but please control yourself when you see here, no begging to see it it can work or getting angry, nasty, petty, etc, be the bigger guy and I am sure you are but I needed to say that.

You are not the only one going through this and sadly some people will pretend to sympathise to find out whats going on or happened then lol behind your back. I find honesty the best, EG, he/she cheated, we parted as friends, we drifted apart but firneds, or go and ask him/her.

The good thing is you are young and trust me it hurts even more when you are a lot older and find out about the deception after many years or the man or the woman as they agreed one looked a lot younger and went off with a younger person than the one
they were with. Many of the cheats will be cheated on and many will split as the doubts in both of the cheats backs is are they having it off on the side as they did with me.

Honestly, you had a lucky escape trust me as she could have got pregant and you though it was your child, she could have cheated with several for many years and you never found out our found out when you are 55+, or you could get injured by being hit by the lover or you could have got STD/etc, so trust me, you got away with it lightly though it does not seem like that.

Cheats will always blame you, trust me. You have done nothing wrong and in time, once she gets her stuff out etc, you will move on be please do not let the cheat back into your life to be used.

Take care

X

pupsicola

Save yourself a whole lot of wasted time and energy and draw a line under your relationship.  Only a mug forgives a cheat.  Please don’t find that out the hard way.  

sweetsand

pupsicola said:

Save yourself a whole lot of wasted time and energy and draw a line under your relationship.  Only a mug forgives a cheat.  Please don’t find that out the hard way.  

I would normally disagree with a sweeping statement like that but from what i have seen, heard, you are spot on.