Breaking up - is this the end?

saver772

I'm glad the weekend is over, this is when I struggle when I haven't got work to distract me, I just wanted to text or call her, but I didnt. I'm hoping things will get easier, it's not even been 2 weeks yet feels like a lifetime.

sweetsand

Please don't. Just read the messages here and take note as not everyone can be wrong.
good luck and as you are aware, the choice is yours as I and the others can only air what we have seen, heard, experienced, etc it is up to you to move forward.

x

burlingtonfl6

saver772 said:

I'm glad the weekend is over, this is when I struggle when I haven't got work to distract me, I just wanted to text or call her, but I didnt. I'm hoping things will get easier, it's not even been 2 weeks yet feels like a lifetime.

She will call/text.....they always do. Could be today, a week or even a year.
The question is how will you respond? 

sweetsand

burlingtonfl6 said:

saver772 said:

I'm glad the weekend is over, this is when I struggle when I haven't got work to distract me, I just wanted to text or call her, but I didnt. I'm hoping things will get easier, it's not even been 2 weeks yet feels like a lifetime.

She will call/text.....they always do. Could be today, a week or even a year.
The question is how will you respond? 

Sorry, my bad as I forgot about the sting in the tail ie the cheat calling the OP when things are not looking that great for her.
Dear OP, jack in her number, please grwo  pair, just look at what almost everyone has said - you are young, you are nice i can tell as you ex's parents care about you they know who to blame - tell yourself you had a lucky escape 

Take care.

saver772

burlingtonfl6 said:

saver772 said:

I'm glad the weekend is over, this is when I struggle when I haven't got work to distract me, I just wanted to text or call her, but I didnt. I'm hoping things will get easier, it's not even been 2 weeks yet feels like a lifetime.

She will call/text.....they always do. Could be today, a week or even a year.
The question is how will you respond? 

How do you know? At the minute I honestly dont know how I would respond.

As mentioned earlier we've had problems for months and it's been on the cards for a while, we've been distant, barely any communication? 1 word reply to texts, and she was never here. So this has been coming for a while- I'm not making excuses for her as I didnt turn to someone else as she did. I think shes staying with him, I dont know whether its wise to drive by and see just so I can confirm in my own head. Despite taking up regular exercise and spending lots of time with my family I still cant stop thinking about her. 

Morglin

saver772 said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

saver772 said:

I'm glad the weekend is over, this is when I struggle when I haven't got work to distract me, I just wanted to text or call her, but I didnt. I'm hoping things will get easier, it's not even been 2 weeks yet feels like a lifetime.

She will call/text.....they always do. Could be today, a week or even a year.
The question is how will you respond? 

How do you know? At the minute I honestly dont know how I would respond.

As mentioned earlier we've had problems for months and it's been on the cards for a while, we've been distant, barely any communication? 1 word reply to texts, and she was never here. So this has been coming for a while- I'm not making excuses for her as I didnt turn to someone else as she did. I think shes staying with him, I dont know whether its wise to drive by and see just so I can confirm in my own head. Despite taking up regular exercise and spending lots of time with my family I still cant stop thinking about her. 

To be honest, for the moment, I would just go with the flow, get support from family and friends, look after yourself, and see where it takes you.

I ended my first marriage after 32 years...he wasn’t unfaithful, but people can hurt each other and destroy a relationship, without doing that.  Cheating is just one way!   But, I realised, after leaving, that despite him wanting to try again, I’d had enough, and I went for divorce.  But, I took time out to think it all through first.  I made no instant decisions and just worked on sorting myself out - practically and emotionally.

Strangers on a forum don’t know either of you, or your marriage, so it’s best to follow your own instincts.  I have known marriages thrive and prosper after one party straying, but it can only be if both want it to.  If you AND your wife aren’t committed to rebuilding it, and understanding why it happened, nothing will work.

I’ve remarried now, 15 years on, and never been happier -   just give it all time, and you will be happy again, whatever ends up happening.

Best wishes.

burlingtonfl6

saver772 said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

saver772 said:

I'm glad the weekend is over, this is when I struggle when I haven't got work to distract me, I just wanted to text or call her, but I didnt. I'm hoping things will get easier, it's not even been 2 weeks yet feels like a lifetime.

She will call/text.....they always do. Could be today, a week or even a year.
The question is how will you respond? 

How do you know? At the minute I honestly dont know how I would respond.

As mentioned earlier we've had problems for months and it's been on the cards for a while, we've been distant, barely any communication? 1 word reply to texts, and she was never here. So this has been coming for a while- I'm not making excuses for her as I didnt turn to someone else as she did. I think shes staying with him, I dont know whether its wise to drive by and see just so I can confirm in my own head. Despite taking up regular exercise and spending lots of time with my family I still cant stop thinking about her. 

The reason she was so distant in the past is because she was putting all her effort into her new relationship.
When someone cheats the new relationship very rarely lasts. ( Think about what will be going through the new guys head ''If she can cheat on her partner of x years, she can cheat on me)
When he finally has enough or she realises she wants out she will reach out. It's usually something completely random like '' I've found a pair of sunglasses that I think are yours''
I know exactly what you're thinking now. In your head you want her to call you, say she made a mistake and she wants to give things another go. It's natural for you to think that now but in time you won't IF you take everyones advice on here and don't be a chump.

I've been through what you went through. The best thing you can do is turn your back on this woman and concentrate on yourself. If you do this I promise you in a time you'll look back and be glad you walked away. She's 30 with a history of cheating.....it's going to come back to bite her.

sweetsand

Sorry but I will say it again but it won't feel like it. Thank your luck stars you've had a lucky escpare and you are still young and a young many that is ready to work and do well.

x

hanawick

I always lurk and never comment on these boards, but I made an account because we are in similar scenarios and I wanted to reach out. My partner of 4 years trap-doored me last month and it sucks a lot. Despite him breaking it off a couple of times, before always subsequently asking for forgiveness, we’d been pretty stable the past 2.5 years and I was beginning to feel confident about our future. We’ve lived together in my house for the last half of our relationship too.

I recognise all the feelings you describe about the sadness and hoping they might call begging to be taken back. However, I’m only a couple weeks ahead of you and can say it gets easier. You know deep down that you deserve a lot more than to be treated like the way you have, so keep listening to that little voice telling you so.

I have my 30th birthday next month, so I’ve also been having lots of those dread-inducing thoughts like “I’m going to run out of time to have a baby”, “no one’s going to hit on me once I’m in my thirties” and “all the good ones are taken by now anyway”. Which is all madness btw! I think 30 must be a really determining age that makes you question life choices and the future. So much so, I know of 8 other couples our age who have broken up this year.

On that point, I encourage you to be open about what you’re going through. You might be surprised about how many people in your network are dealing with their own things in secret, who will open up when you tell them you’ve been having your own rubbish time.

Although my house is mine (minus the bank), I’ve moved back in with my parents for a while. Somehow every little thing in my house now carries a memory, and it’s too depressing to be alone there all day. I’m actually quite keen on selling it and buying a cute tiny place for just me and the dog (I know everything is too fresh to be making big moves, I will give that decision a couple more months). If you can stay with someone, do it! If not, you could plan to visit friends for weekend stays. More drastic (and requires the spare cash) but AirBnbs often offer hefty discounts for 1 month+ stays. Might sound a bit extreme but being in the house freshly after the break-up really made me feel like I’m the one ‘left behind’, while he’s moving on to exciting new things. Living elsewhere has been a great way to visualise my own exciting new start.

It might sound like a perverse way to make yourself happier, but I’ve also been focusing on the fact that I’m young and can expect to have plenty more and greater sadness in my life. In the future I will lose people who actually do love me and want to be in my life – why pile more sadness into my lifetime by grieving somebody who doesn’t?? (Weird tactic, I know, but it really has helped me move on a lot!)

Finally, I personally have never liked  writing, but have found journaling massively, surprisingly helpful. In the time it took to write a sentence to the effect of “why wasn’t I good enough?”, I realised it should really have said “why wasn’t HE good enough?”. It’s surprising how getting your thoughts down on paper can really help you process them and for yourself to grow through reflection. If you google ‘lets mend’, there’s a good website which gives you a daily bit of ‘heartbreak’ advice and a prompt to write about. I recommend it.

Sorry it’s so long but I never thought I would be where I am a few weeks ago, so am very excited to share my experiences You will be at the same place soon too. Here if you need any support!

P.S. do not contact them unless absolutely, absolutely necessary. A lot of our communication about sorting life admin has gone on via friends and parents - feels a bit 'extra' but it's actually really nice to have their support and to also shift my attention off of finding excuses to talk to him.

AliasOmega

saver772 said:

I'm glad the weekend is over, this is when I struggle when I haven't got work to distract me, I just wanted to text or call her, but I didnt. I'm hoping things will get easier, it's not even been 2 weeks yet feels like a lifetime.

Make a diary, write down how you feel and what you have done every few days.

You will struggle when you are alone / outside of work, but this will pass....trust me. You dont need to keep busy to cope either, thats an ocd thing creeping in. Make sure your family know whats going on, and talk to your mum.

Just remember, "Its okay, not to be okay!". Cry in the shower / bath, hate her, delete her pictures from facebook etc if it helps. Time will be the healer.

Now, my story... I am in the military, i was in the desert supporting the Afghan war. My wife / mother of my children met another guy on a night out. They talked and got on. During the following few weeks, she was messaging him more than me, and arranged a night out / hotel stayover with him. She travelled down, buying condoms on the way, went out, got drunk and slept with him... i sensed something was up by her conversation, and the way she was acting on the phone. I applied pressure for several weeks about what went on, "who was her new facebook friend", "why was she in a hotel in Corby, when her new friend lives in Corby". The bank statements showed Ann Summers purchases, and lots of fuel going into the car. Eventually, she admitted it after i tortured myself for 4 weeks thinking "it was all in my head". I returned to the UK, sorted it out and went back to the desert. We buried it....

Fast forward 7 years, we are separated and the divorce is in progress. I felt pretty down and had low self worth. I joined Tinder, and that showed myself that i had some value and quite popular. So, her loss. On a side note..her new fella moved into the family home within 8 weeks of me leaving... Some people dont want to ever be alone..

So, for me.. getting back together, i had to lay in the same bed with her, knowing that she had slept with another man and lied to me. It drove me crazy whenever she was out with her friends and came back late. If she was away overnight, i would not sleep, and the kids would be up at 7am so the next day was chaos. For about 12 months, i continuously thought about the affair, and avoided driving through Corby / past the hotel where it happened.It stressed me out so bad, that i lost my speech, and they thought i had a stroke...

Morale of the story - Dont go back, there are plenty of fish in the sea. It will get easier, take some time and "find you". Make a diary on how you feel, you will look back and say "what was i thinking back then"...

Ironically - The number 2 i met on Tinder is the person i see the most. We are very similar, good inner core values and will probably one day take it further, when i am ready.. (divorced, houses sorted, regular pattern of life, found me etc).

If you need a chat, drop me a PM.

AO