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Fireflyaway

My husband has depression. In the beginning he was often short tempered and aggressive. Medication definitely calmed down the mood swings and the aggression subsided but although his struggles are up and down, it's always there in some form or another. For my husband it's difficult because he doesn't know the reason for his depression so has been at a loss about how to deal with it. For years he just hoped it would go away but it didnt. For me it was unbelievably frustrating. I'd ask what's the matter to be constantly told 'nothing'. I'd suggest a change of diet, counselling or exercise but everything was brushed off. I came to realise it doesn't matter how caring or encouraging or patient you are, your partner won't seek help or change unless they decide they want to. Your suggestions may well be taken as nagging. My husband has very low self esteem. Often things I said with no ill intent at all were taken as criticism or put downs. Despite being on your partners side you become the enemy. It's frustrating and upsetting and feels so unfair. 
My suggestions are similar to what others have said. Look after yourself. It's easy to become exhausted and depressed yourself. Try not to take it personally. Offer to listen and make it clear you are there and you care, but then leave it at that. Maybe write it in a letter so it can't escalate into an argument. You can put details of counselling services in the note suggesting it might help but try to keep it positive. Rather than say you dislike how they have become, say how you would like to see them happy again. Maybe suggest something for the future. Hope is really important. Re the suicide, it could be a shout for a resoonse. Maybe they are looking for you to tell them how important they are and to feel loved? How do you respond when they say it? Or is it said in anger and meant to upset you? If it's the latter then I'd question how is your partner aside from the depression? Do they try to upset you as a form of control? Might be worth looking at the bigger picture. The same thing with refusal to take meds happened here. My husband just couldn't see the benefit so he stopped but then became worse. Fortunately he agreed to take them again. 
I agree that kids definitely pick up on stuff. If they are old enough I'd say that mummy / daddy is feeling unwell at the moment. Leaving temporarily could be an option. My husband left in January ( with the intention of it being temporary) and I'm seeing various improvements in his mood and behaviors. It's also meant there are no arguments at home and although I was against it and very upset in the beginning it's enabled me to reflect and see things in a different light. 
How long has this been happening? Do you know if there was a trigger? If you know that, it might be easier to move forward if there is a 'solution'. 
I really hope it improves. Do take care of yourself though. 

suejb2

Black_Saturn I cannot advise on your situation, however, I do wish you well. What I will say, there are some beautiful, well composed replies here, offering you advice that obviously comes from the heart and through experience. Please take what you can from them and good luck.

Mojisola

Black_Saturn said:

Sometimes, it feels that no matter what I do, or say, it is the wrong thing.
This is not an every day occurrence. Today, it has been peaceful. We have conversed like two normal adults, but how long will the calm continue? That is what I continually ask myself

Whether it's intentional on his part or not, this is how he is controlling you - he's got you thinking that his behaviour is your fault and you're walking on eggshells, never knowing whether things are going to stay calm or suddenly get nasty.

You are not responsible for his behaviour - as you say, he wouldn't behave like this at work so he is choosing to treat you as he does. 

He could make the choice to get help and learn how to manage his interactions with you and his general behaviour at home but he chooses not to.  What does that say about how much he cares for you and the children?

onwards&upwards

The children will have that 'walking on eggshells' feeling too.  They'll be wary of upsetting dad because of how it affects the atmosphere in the home, just as you are. 

NeilCr

Mojisola said:

Black_Saturn said:

Sometimes, it feels that no matter what I do, or say, it is the wrong thing.
This is not an every day occurrence. Today, it has been peaceful. We have conversed like two normal adults, but how long will the calm continue? That is what I continually ask myself

Whether it's intentional on his part or not, this is how he is controlling you - he's got you thinking that his behaviour is your fault and you're walking on eggshells, never knowing whether things are going to stay calm or suddenly get nasty.

You are not responsible for his behaviour - as you say, he wouldn't behave like this at work so he is choosing to treat you as he does. 

He could make the choice to get help and learn how to manage his interactions with you and his general behaviour at home but he chooses not to.  What does that say about how much he cares for you and the children?

To a large extent, this. 

From my experience, anyway, you get "normal" days and "non normal" days. One of the hardest things I found was walking through the door when I got home from work not knowing what mood I was going to have to face. It is very difficult to know what is intentional and what is not. After quite some time I could work out the 15% that was definitely the illness - 15% that was manipulation and then a big mass in the middle that could have been one, none or both of the above. To be honest trying to suss it out is the way madness lies.

My ex made two suicide attempts - one very serious, one a cry for help. Neither were announced  I spent a lot of time fretting over the first one - that was the "big" one. I thought I should have been able to stop it. I blamed myself. But then I  realised that it wasn't on me - it was her choice and, even if I had foiled that attempt if she wanted to do it she would have another way. Perversely, that attempt made me thicker skinned. I realised there wasn't too much more that she could do that would hurt me. Not that I believe it was aimed at me - which, again, in a way makes it all a bit easier

Do find someone to talk to. Trust me it helps!

Savvy_Sue

Another thing to bear in mind is that as long as you just keep coping with all this, you yourself may easily become depressed. You've found it cathartic to get all this out by writing it down; you may find talking the Samaritans useful; you might also find it sensible to see your GP and get their take on how you're feeling. 

-taff

Black_Saturn said:

I am very mixed on the start of it all. He took a new job, and after a few months found the manager to be particularly unpleasant; making demands / finding fault with performance. Other staff members also made complaints about this particular manager. He hated going to work; spoke to the area manager, who moved him to a new site, and for a while there was an improvement, but it didn’t last. He says the bullying was the catalyst; I feel there were already signs of more deep-seated issues, but if I suggest this then paranoia leads to a belief I am siding with the previous manager, and this fuels angry outbursts.

With regards the threat of suicide, it makes me feel anxious to the point I am constantly checking everything is okay, but then I am accused of smothering. If I ignore the threat, I am accused of being cold, and lacking in compassion. On one occasion I hid all of the tablets, but was then accused of infantilising. Sometimes, it feels that no matter what I do, or say, it is the wrong thing. If I ask not to have a conversation littered with expletives, I am too sensitive and should accept that that is how he talks, even though he would not speak like that at work. He finds it acceptable to speak to me in that manner, and I am the one with the issue, for objecting. There is also a lot of pettiness. Silly little things, that over time, become big things, and if I say anything it leads to arguments, so more and more I bite my tongue, and hope for change.

This is not an every day occurrence. Today, it has been peaceful. We have conversed like two normal adults, but how long will the calm continue? That is what I continually ask myself, and perhaps then, I am adding negativity to the situation. I don’t know.

You are being manipulated. If your worry is you never know what's happening or how to act because he complains no matter what you say, you are the one taking responsibility for his actions/thoughts whatever. Not him. Shift the onus back to him. Tell him him illness is his responsibility to confront, that you don't have the experience or knowledge to help, but you will support him in his decisions [ if you want to that is] and that you expect to be treated with the same respect he would give anyone else, you are not his punching bag.

OldishWench

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.

Four months ago I ended my relationship with my boyfriend / partner of 4.5 years. His issue wasn't depression as such, but C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). Most of the other issues you are experiencing are the same, for example he:
* Constantly complained about his situation and insisted on telling me the whole story from age 19 (he was 55!) onwards at every opportunity (several times a week).
* Said that I was no help, despite my many attempts to get him help that he would then not take up.
* Stayed in bed for weeks at a time
* Would offer to take care of the household management (cleaning, cooking etc) but just not do it, then when I got fed up and started to clean would get upset because it was his job and I just had to say (again!).
* Refused to get help for the issues getting in his way, but instead insisted that his doctor should restore his entire life to back how it would have been without the C-PTSD: house, finances and all.
* Said he might as well be dead, and wished he could just die right then.

This is not your responsibility to deal with. Your partner is abusing and manipulating you. And it's working. My ex wasn't abusive as such, rather the opposite - he praised me so much I felt that just couldn't let him down. It was a massive manipulation.

Like you, I felt that leaving was not an option. Until I started reaching out to others like you are here, asking questions like you have. And it turned out that leaving was indeed an option. In fact, it was he who had to leave, since the house is mine.

On reflection, I was mothering and enabling a grown man to behave like a toddler. He refused to take any responsibility for himself. And I was encouraging it. And as soon as he realised that the cries of homelessness and destitution were falling on deaf ears, he went and found another enabler.

In many ways it was ok for me, my children are grown and not living at home. But you have children under your care. You need to take care or you and them, and living with a psychic vampire is harming you all.

I'm so very sorry you are dealing with this. PM me if you need to vent, I completely understand - I was in the FOG for almost 5 years.

OldishWench

Black_Saturn said:

Thank you all very much for your input; it is appreciated. Yesterday was a very low day, worn down by the difficulties of the last two years of emotional upheaval. I have to be stronger in mindset, to see us through this, and can only hope things improve. 

You are already very strong, you are shouldering the burden of everything in hour home.

I do agree that you need to be stronger, but not in the way you think. You are being manipulated (as I was) into thinking it was all your responsibility, and that to let him sort himself out is selfish. That thinking is so wrong. The only way in which you need to be stronger is in being able to say enough is enough, that there are two adults in your home, and you are not going to baby a grown adult any longer. And stick to it - that is the hard bit. I found that responding that he liked being a victim helped me, because it shut him up for a while.

Another thing I found really useful, not for this specific issue but a similar one, was counselling, just for me. It was brilliant in getting me to realise that to put myself first was not selfish, and to expect other adults in your home to act like adults and take a fair share of the load was the only right way to act. This enabled me to get another manipulative, unpleasant and lazy person out of my home.

Hugs.

OldishWench

Black_Saturn said:

There is no physical violence in the home.

I can relate to the mothering, OldishWench, as that is how it feels at times, and in itself, is exhausting. I shouldn’t be in the position of telling another adult they need to bathe because of excessive body odour, or that they need to put their clothes in the wash, rather than constantly wearing them to the point they smell so bad.

Today, is a day of treading carefully. Mood is low, so I am doing my best to keep everything calm.

No, you shouldn't be in the position where you have to tell an adult to bathe and change. How about stopping? and if they smell, tell them they need to leave the room because they smell. And sleep elsewhere because the stench makes you gag.

Black_Saturn said:

I am accused of being unsympathetic, of not understanding the turmoil, nor how difficult it is to cope with everyday life. The threats of suicide leave me on edge, wondering if this is the day it is going to happen. I am constantly biting my tongue, and walking on eggshells.

This. This is abusive. Accusations, nasty words, suicide threats, causing you to walk on eggshells. This is trying to get you back in line and do as you're told. It's hard to see when you're in the middle of it. My ex would move his mail from where I left it on the stairs, then get all upset when he couldn't find it. One day I lost patience and shouted at him that it was his mail, he moved it and it wasn't my problem. He was very well behaved for a while after that. It surprising how turning the tables on a person behaving badly can bring about a change in attitude, however briefly.