Deleted

Black_Saturn

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onwards&upwards

Black_Saturn said:

 Leaving is not an option, so I do not know what to do. 

Leaving is a always an option.  Never an easy one, but sometimes you have to put yourself first.  You can't save a drowning person if they are pulling you under too, you have to reach the safety of the shore first. 

onwards&upwards

Black_Saturn said:

It is all so difficult. There are days when the threat of suicide seems very, very, real. Other days it feels as if it is nothing more than an emotional ploy, especially when I have raised the topic of moving out, or walking away. I could not bear it if I was responsible for that, though.

People who threaten suicide rarely do it.  People who are genuinely suicidal don't tend to use it that way. 

Either way you are not responsible, nobody is ever responsible for a suicide except the person who has very sadly felt they had no other choice.  

barbiedoll

Black_Saturn said:

It is all so difficult. There are days when the threat of suicide seems very, very, real. Other days it feels as if it is nothing more than an emotional ploy, especially when I have raised the topic of moving out, or walking away. I could not bear it if I was responsible for that, though.

Please don’t let this be used against you as a reason to stay. Is the unwell person taking steps to treat their illness? Are they seeing their GP, counsellors, or engaging with the myriad of online services available for MH issues? Are they taking responsibility for their well-being? None of this is down to you, I’m sure that you’re willing to be as supportive as you can, but that works both ways, are you being supported? 

You need to look after your own mental health. If you won’t leave, can you get away for a few days, just for a break? Don’t think that your life has less importance or meaning just because you aren’t the one that is ill. You matter too, and if your well-being means that you have to walk away, then you should do so. You won’t be responsible for someone else taking their own life, that is their decision, and theirs alone. 

Take care and look after yourself. Living with anyone who has a long-term illness is very draining, both mentally and physically. Don’t feel guilty because you’re struggling, you’re only human and everyone has their breaking point. You should do what is right for you. 

Mojisola

Black_Saturn said:

It is all so difficult. There are days when the threat of suicide seems very, very, real. Other days it feels as if it is nothing more than an emotional ploy, especially when I have raised the topic of moving out, or walking away. I could not bear it if I was responsible for that, though.

You can't let yourself be held captive through this emotional blackmail - you won't be helping the other person and you will be making yourself ill.  If you end up in hospital with a health crisis, then you won't be around as a prop - what would happen then?  Far better to start reducing your support in a managed way and help the other person to see that you're not at their beck and call 24/7.

Start putting yourself first occasionally and do things that you need to do - if you think you need to contact the crisis team, do it. 

If you can, get out of the situation, even if it's only for a few hours at a time - a few days would be even better.  It will give you some clarity and help you see how controlled you are being.

[Deleted User]

I lived with this.  Someone who would use suicide to manipulate (hold on, I am going to explain how this applies to your situation).  It took time, but I realised I had to hand the responsibility for their mood and choices back to them.  With me, it was manipulation.., the person concerned would take 4 ibuprofen and then say they'd taken an overdose.  I had to stop giving them a pay off because this process makes a funny thought reaction take place.., the person makes YOU responsible for their well being rather than them.., and also makes you responsible for their unwell being.  Now, I'm not saying this person is being intentionally manipulative but what they are doing IS manipulative.  You are the person they throw things at if they are feeling down.., you are their safety valve.  But you shouldn't be.., and playing this role is harming them.  They aren't learning to find their own safety valve.., way to deal with their feelings.  Going to counselling is at times painful (I used to call it scrambled egg brains) and difficult.  So your partner has found a way of coping that means they don't have to do that.., out of fear.  But the way they have found is just a release valve.., its not a permanent change.  And while you are there it doesn't look like they will seek a way to make permanent change.

Leave them.  But make it clear to yourself and them, it is their choice what they do from that point, its not yours. No one can take responsibility to that extent for anyone else.., for their sake and yours. 

theoretica

Also, remember that there are organisations like the Samaritans if you want to talk.

Claddagh_Noir

onwards&upwards said:

People who threaten suicide rarely do it.  People who are genuinely suicidal don't tend to use it that way. 

I could not agree more with what is in bold above.  I have known of a few people, indirectly who have threatened suicide but are still here.  But an in-law never once dropped the hint that he wanted to end it all,  was living with his parents, made sure they went away on a break and he decided to take his own life then. He never once threatened it, he just did it.  A friend of mine had a boyfriend whose friend tried to kill himself, the boyfriend intervened and stopped it and stayed overnight so he would not attempt to do it again. My friend said 'He is not going to save everyone.'

As heartless as it sounds, if someone wants to kill themselves, they will get on with it.  You have to look after yourself, do not allow yourself to be manipulated or guilt-tripped either.    The person you live with has to make sure they seek adequate help and address the reasons why they are depressed and suicidal.

Stay strong.

Mojisola

Black_Saturn said:

If I ask for help with dependants, once again it is ignored, or met with complaints.

If there are children growing up in this environment, it's even more important to deal with it.

Savvy_Sue

Black_Saturn said:

I did not know that the Samaritans was available for situations such as this, only that they were available for those contemplating suicide. Thank you.

It feels like a heavy burden on my shoulders. If I ask for help with keeping the home clean, it is ignored - or met with complaints. If I ask for help with dependants, once again it is ignored, or met with complaints. Not always, but a lot of the times. To me, personal hygiene has become an issue - going days without bathing - but if it is commented upon, then I am in the wrong for even mentioning it. Even before furlough, bathing has been an issue of contention. It feels as if the situation has been exacerbated during lockdown however, as there is no space. It is always there, and even when the atmosphere is light, I now find myself waiting for it to turn dark again.

They are there, and they were lovely when I phoned with concerns for a friend. 

There is huge manipulation going on here, and I worry for the youngsters in this situation. What age are they? This is not a healthy role model for them, and it is not a healthy situation for any of you. 

[Deleted User]

I am sorry, I don't want to upset you.  I thought my kids were unaffected by what was going on, but I discovered how wrong I was.  They saw me giving in to his manipulations all the time and its caused a few problems with them, even now.  I was so wrong. I understand totally why you are thinking this but I am afraid there is a good  chance are you are fooling yourself like I was.  They learned a lot more bad stuff than I would ever have realised until now I am out of the situation.