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onwards&upwards

Black_Saturn said:

They do not understand / are not affected by what is going on in the home. You are right, the situation is not a healthy one, and I long for it to change - for it to get better, but how to achieve that is beyond me, if he will not agree to seek further help, or start taking medication again.

I don't want to make you feel worse, but I think you need to know that they are definitely affected, no matter how much you try to shield them.  

Children who live with an adult with serious mental illness are much more likely to suffer themselves as they grow up too. 

Mojisola

Black_Saturn said:

They do not understand / are not affected by what is going on in the home.

I've got to agree with the others - you're very mistaken if you believe this.

KxMx

Black_Saturn said:

They do not understand / are not affected by what is going on in the home. You are right, the situation is not a healthy one, and I long for it to change - for it to get better, but how to achieve that is beyond me, if he will not agree to seek further help, or start taking medication again.

If he will not take any action to change then you would need to do something to change the situation like leave with the children, it needn't be permanent. 

Redredrobin

Definitely consider talking to the Samaritans , if you can’t get the person in crisis to talk to them then you talk to them , they are an amazing support .

My daughter had a horrendous time and we couldn’t lift her mood the Samaritans were a last resort after our GP was useless . She spent an hour talking and got everything off her chest and she came out a different person .

This was before COVID so she saw them face to face at a drop in session however they do have an email and text service too .

onwards&upwards

Tha Samaritans aren't counsellors, they won't give you advice or tell you what to do, they are listeners, so they will help you to get it all out and talk it through yourself.  They can also give you the details of other organisations like Mind who may be able to help. 

NeilCr

I very much sympathise. I lived for a long time with someone who suffered badly with depression

I think you've been given a lot of good advice already so I'll keep my response short. Just a few headline comments

1. Make time for, and look after, yourself. It's all too easy to get overwhelmed by the other person's moods and actions. I realise you have children but try to get out and see friends and relatives on your own.

2. Don't take it personally. I found this one very hard - especially from someone who is your partner. But, a lot of what is said comes from the illness. Once I got that I did find it a bit easier

3. Samaritans is a good shout. I volunteered there for a number of years quite a long time ago and saw how we helped people. As onwards and upwards rightly says no advice is given - it's a reflective service. But, sometimes, just being able to "let it out" to a stranger is cathartic.

I, genuinely, wish you well

Hope it works out for you. 

Marvel1

Black_Saturn said:

They do not understand / are not affected by what is going on in the home. 

Children know a lot more than you think.

Mojisola

Black_Saturn said:

Thank you. Just writing down my thoughts was somewhat cathartic, so having someone there to listen, will perhaps ease the strain of the situation. Going forward, I do not know what to do, or how to help, as my suggestions are often met by a brick wall that is very hard to break down. My own resolve was weakened by a particularly explosive incident, but for now calm has been restored.

It seems unlikely that you will put yourself first to resolve this situation so you're really left with the choice of whether to put the children's welfare first (who are reliant on you) or your partner (who has options but refuses to take them). 

-taff

 You are not responsible for them, you are not responsible for their actions, their thoughts, their behaviour. If you were responsible for them, they would be your child. They are not your child, they are your partner. They are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings and actions. It's it not your responsibility to 'cure' them. It's their own. Step back and leave them to it.

onwards&upwards

Just to say, you can remove and protect yourself and your children from this situation without having to call a permanent end to the relationship.  You can have a temporary separation, where he moves out, and regularly reassess the situation, with the understanding that when he has engaged with treatment for x amount of time (maybe 6 or 12months) you will go to counselling together with a view to living as a family again. 

If he doesn't engage with treatment, you might want to decide to make the separation permanent, knowing that you gave it the best chance you could whilst keeping yourself and your kids safe and well. 

You can't fix this problem yourself, you can't cure him, or make him happy, or make everything work out.  It has to come from him.