Financial abuse, how to talk about money

Accountant_Kerry

Out of interest is he a fair bit older than you and perhaps considers himself wiser in this regard? 

sunflowerstar

Accountant_Kerry said:

Out of interest is he a fair bit older than you and perhaps considers himself wiser in this regard? 

He is yes and yes I do think that’s a factor. 

He’s not really seen me in any role other than ‘housewife’, not that that should matter, but I think he often underestimates me. 

just_trying

He obviously has no respect for you, older or not. My partner is older, he wouldn't get away with what you partner does for a second. ..your married. Why should he only see you as housewife, your his wife. Don't make excuses!

You are probably receiving nothing towards your pension as he stopped the claim, what he gives is a disgrace as YOU both have savings as your married.  Just be honest and tell him what you expect. 

sunflowerstar

just_trying said:

He obviously has no respect for you, older or not. My partner is older, he wouldn't get away with what you partner does for a second. ..your married. Why should he only see you as housewife, your his wife. Don't make excuses!

You are probably receiving nothing towards your pension as he stopped the claim, what he gives is a disgrace as YOU both have savings as your married.  Just be honest and tell him what you expect. 

It’s not an excuse, I was just answering the question above. I’m just trying to explore different possible reasons, not make excuses. 

I receive national insurance contributions as we did claim the child benefit and then opted out of receiving the actual payment. I’ve checked several times  

Savvy_Sue

sunflowerstar said:

I receive national insurance contributions as we did claim the child benefit and then opted out of receiving the actual payment. I’ve checked several times  

Even so, do you fancy relying on just a state pension in your retirement? 

While you're talking money, I'd double check you were named as the beneficiary in any private pensions he has. 

just_trying

sunflowerstar said:

just_trying said:

He obviously has no respect for you, older or not. My partner is older, he wouldn't get away with what you partner does for a second. ..your married. Why should he only see you as housewife, your his wife. Don't make excuses!

You are probably receiving nothing towards your pension as he stopped the claim, what he gives is a disgrace as YOU both have savings as your married.  Just be honest and tell him what you expect. 

It’s not an excuse, I was just answering the question above. I’m just trying to explore different possible reasons, not make excuses. 

I receive national insurance contributions as we did claim the child benefit and then opted out of receiving the actual payment. I’ve checked several times  

Who claimed the child benefit?  Seems it was your husband,  how can you claim contributions towards your pension when your not claiming it?  This is the reason why some just pay the tax. If your not claiming nothing its not going towards your state pension. He's abusing you financially and mentally your scrimping and he doesn't care..,

Accountant_Kerry

OP, I hope you can have this out with him and resolve it, counselling might be a good way forward 

onwards&upwards

I think it might be important to set a deadline too, once you've laid everything out, told him that his current behaviour is unacceptable and that there has to be a change, you need to know how long you're going to wait for him to change, otherwise you'll still be here in this when your youngest is 14. 

Think of the impact on the kids too, do you want them to see your marriage as an example of a normal, healthy way for adult couple to relate to each other?  Or for husbands to treat wives?

thorsoak

fred246 said:

I always find these threads a bit sexist. If it was the other way round the man would be told in no uncertain terms that he should be getting a job and not depending on his wife. I worked all hours while my wife was a lady of leisure. We used to have women come and give lectures on 'financial abuse'. It was always women. I was never happy with the idea that if I didn't give my wife whatever she asked for I was "abusing" her. I was at work while she was lunching with friends in some posh restaurant. I very much felt like the 'abused' one.

Fred - that was the attitude when I married in 1963 ....it was so frowned upon that I was continuing to work and not staying at home to "look after my new husband".    That was then - this is now - accept it.   

sunflowerstar

I claimed the child benefit, my NI payments are full and up to date. I still claim the child benefit, he opted out because it’s on his tax, I don’t have to have anything to do with it. When CB became a means tested benefit it made a big difference to many people and I could go on about that all day regardless of my situation. 

I had no issue with the opt out at first, we had a £2500 bill every January which was always jarring. But I assumed he would up the housekeeping to make up the shortfall. 

I am full beneficiary of his pensions, assets, anything else should anything happen. Nothing in that regard is hidden from me, I’m not worried about finances if he died, left, if I left, when we’re old, none of that. 

And yes, I had a timeline in my head of Christmas. 6 months seems realistic. I want him to want to do this and I’m willing to invest the time and effort to make it work. I hope he feels the same. I hate that it’s such a fundamental thing which taints everything else.