Financial abuse, how to talk about money

barbiedoll

I take it that “Fred” didn’t ever read the long thread on here by a poster called Jack, who went through an acrimonious divorce from his wife, a woman who thought that his only goal in life should be to pay for her as she didn’t want to work, even though their children were at university. Jack got a lot of support on here, and almost everyone agreed that he was being taken for a ride. There’s no discrimination on this board, it gets shouted down very swiftly. 

OP,  you need to start playing hardball. You don’t say how many children you have, but £100 a week is doable, for food at least I guess. I can’t believe that you’re supposed to buy clothing and presents from this sum too. I’m fully on board with the charity shop ethos, but as others have said, it shouldn’t have to be a compulsory way of life for the children of a high-earner. So when the children, or you, need new clothes and shoes, tell him that you’re going shopping and that you need £100 (or whatever) into your account NOW. Not later, not tomorrow or next week, but now. As for Christmas presents, you should stop that right now. If you see something that you know will be a perfect gift, send him a text or email with the link. If he doesn’t buy it, or give you the cash to do so, then so be it. When the kids have no presents on Christmas Eve, let him be the one to run around the shops with his credit card. We all know that the cost of food is rising, so a few nights of beans (cheapest brand) on toast for him, won’t hurt. If you go out with friends, make sure that you have that lunch, you need a break from your job, take it out of the housekeeping and tell him that you’ve run out of money. Show him the receipt if you like, but don’t feel that you have to justify yourself. He clearly doesn’t go without, so why should you? 

I really want to encourage you to get back into the workplace, but you just know that if you earn, say, £75/week, he’ll reduce your housekeeping by the same amount. You’ll still be in the same situation, no wonder he is being so “supportive”. I suggest that you set up an online bank account, keep the details away from him and make sure that any money you earn goes in there. Do not be persuaded to have your wages paid into his account, under any circumstances! Don’t tell him how much you earn, and don’t feel that you need to show him your bank statements. 

I can’t tell you how angry your post has made me feel. I know that not everyone is born with good money sense, and that some people do need to be kept on a tighter leash, moneywise, bills need to be paid, children need to be fed and we can’t all go reckless with the credit cards and overdrafts. I do know that, I’ve lived through it! But this is financial abuse, pure and simple. I don’t care about his ex-wife, he isn’t married to her any longer. He is treating you like the hired help, the irony being, that if you were the hired help, you would be costing him much, much more. Please don’t live the rest of your life like this, start talking to him and get things changed. It’s not good for you, or your children. 

sunflowerstar

I just wanted to say, quickly as I’m just in the middle of something but I’ll properly  reply a little later, thank you so much for all the replies. In depth and thoughtful, it’s really encouraging. 

I’m certainly not a lady of leisure, I’ve been quite careful for it to not come across that way because the ‘he works so hard, she’s at home, what more does she want?!’ position is easy to see on the surface. But that isn’t the case. I work hard and facilitate his career. 

We made the decision that I would stay home because he was in a greater position to support us at that time and it made sense. I was happy to do so. We have 4 children age 4-14. 

Anyway, I have to dash as I’m painting walls! But there have been some really valuable points I wish to touch upon and digest more thoroughly. Thank you all so much! 

unholyangel

fred246 said:

I always find these threads a bit sexist. If it was the other way round the man would be told in no uncertain terms that he should be getting a job and not depending on his wife. I worked all hours while my wife was a lady of leisure. We used to have women come and give lectures on 'financial abuse'. It was always women. I was never happy with the idea that if I didn't give my wife whatever she asked for I was "abusing" her. I was at work while she was lunching with friends in some posh restaurant. I very much felt like the 'abused' one.

You're right, they are a bit sexist. Because there's usually someone like you popping up to completely undermine the OP's problem by playing the "you'd answer differently if a man had asked". Despite there being thousands of threads on here proving otherwise. Please feel free to prove me wrong - if the threads are always a bit sexist then you should have no trouble finding plenty that support your allegations. 

What we (regular posters) do realise is that not all contributions to a relationship are financial and that things don't need to be 50/50 in every regard - but there should be a balance that both are happy with. One shouldn't be constantly sacrificing for the other. 

I'm sorry you've had a bad experience and had to pay for a cleaner, nanny etc while your wife did nothing (or nothing of value apparently). But most people are not in a position to afford such luxury and thus, one of them will normally sacrifice their career/financial independence to benefit them as a couple. Unfortunately, that is still overwhelmingly the female of the couple (if there is one). Thus many people view things as being biased in favour of the female when really, it's just biased in favour of the primary caregiver. 

Accountant_Kerry

OP, show your husband this thread.
Either he is completely ignorant of the cost of living and your feelings or he is actively keeping things from you. 
The first one could be supported by this thread and he needs to understand his position is a valid type of abuse, completely unreasonable and cannot continue, the second if he thinks that keeping money from you means its 'his' he is  very mistaken. If you were ever to divorce it doesn't matter whose name the money is it its both of yours in the eyes of the law

Marvel1

elsien said:

if you consider how much the working partner would have to pay in childcare,  cleaners, concierge services etc no less than that of the working half of 

I live alone, work full time, no children, but I don't pay for cleaners or concierge services.

Savvy_Sue

sunflowerstar said:

We have 4 children age 4-14. 

£400 per month for a family of SIX? He is having a laugh ... 

Seriously, mine are all grown up now, and I thought I was getting away lightly if the weekly food shop for FIVE was less than £100. And that was just the food! School dinners were on top of that. And I was frugal too! 

I think if you don't get anywhere within the next week, if nothing else, I'd start a spreadsheet, and I'd itemise every single penny I spent for a month. Food. Clothing. Transport. Whatever. And show him the nice neat totals at the bottom. And ask where the shortfall is supposed to come from. And if he says "but we don't really need that", I'd start insisting he came shopping (or going instead of you) and paying for it. 

MaterialGirl*

I don’t think OP should even have to justify herself to her husband. There should be enough trust that just telling him she needs more money should be enough. This also includes money to spend on herself.

Does  your husband know that your selling your own possessions to make your money stretch? I assume as your oldest child is 14 this must have been going on for years?

Do not beg your husband for money,  just tell him you want to look at all your finances together and decide on a sensible budget for you.  If he refuses just say that budget is not up for discussion and you expect the same sum transferred to your own account each month.   Also, make sure you sort out a personal pension for you. 

onwards&upwards

Marvel1 said:

elsien said:

if you consider how much the working partner would have to pay in childcare,  cleaners, concierge services etc no less than that of the working half of 

I live alone, work full time, no children, but I don't pay for cleaners or concierge services.

Right, but this man is getting the benefit of his wife doing those jobs. 

sunflowerstar

Every time I try to reply with quotes it won’t post, so I’ll do a round up. 

Thank you all so much, you’ve given me the energy to tackle this with renewed vigour! I was feeling rather defeated. 

I don’t want to leave my husband, I love our family unit. Equally I am not afraid of walking away - this situation, if not resolved, symbolises more than just finances. 

So I’m taking all of the advice and I am going to talk to him. 

I am really hoping the job will work out for me - as someone mentioned it’s not just the finances but just getting a little of myself back too. 

And yes, I think the thing that bothers me the most in all of it is that I feel I need to justify or prove to him that X costs X. He should just trust me, I’m a sensible person. 

It did cross my mind that perhaps when I have a job, he will stop or deduct housekeeping. This is another reason I feel it’s important to have a joint account in place. In my mind, all the money would go into that account. We would pay for all the expenses from that account and then whatever is left is good for savings, a day out, whatever. 

Someone touched upon studying, I absolutely want to study for something. The job I’m hoping to secure comes with training and qualifications, although not a ‘lifetime’ field for me, I am hoping to one day gain a degree, masters and maybe even a phd in a subject I’ve always been interested in. I’m relatively young, I have a good 40 years until retirement so I have plenty of time! 

But that’s the long game. 

I wrote some other paragraphs but they didn’t sound right, I’m trying to explain something I can’t find the words for. 

But I know and I recognise this situation isn’t ok. And I know it needs to change. Hopefully he will see this too, whatever that may take. 

sunflowerstar

40 years to retirement! I wish I was that young, no it’s just over 30 actually. But long enough!