Financial abuse, how to talk about money

comeandgo

sunflowerstar said:

comeandgo said:

How on earth can you have any feelings for someone who makes you beg for money?  Are you sure there is money in his account?  Could he be spending his money on another?  Please get in touch with woman's aid.  You are being taken for a fool and controlled.

I genuinely don’t think he sees it as an issue. Yes there’s definitely money, he honestly doesn’t spend much and he works from home so he’s never out the house for anymore than half a day a week. 

I have no other concerns, gambling or a secret family etc. It just makes me sad that he doesn’t see me as a partner in all this, it’s like being a child. 

Do you know the reasons his first marriage failed?  Did he treat his first wife the same?  You know yourself this is unacceptable in the 21st century.  Would you be able to let him see this thread to see that 100% of the replies state what he is doing is wrong.

sunflowerstar

Sea_Shell said:

You say "we have savings", but I assume again all in his name?

Is he open with you as to how much savings he has?

You need to at least open a basic current account, in just your name, if you don't have one already, then ask (tell) him that you want £XXXX transferred in ASAP "for emergencies".

What if he was incapacitated or hospitalised for any reason... would he serious be happy to effectively throw you to the wolves, as I'm guessing you don't have Power of Attorneys in place?

Yes and no, some investments are split between us and the day to say savings are in his accounts. 

I have a bank account, and yes that’s a good idea as if he says no to emergency funds being available if he were taken ill... well. I have mentioned what if he were hospitalised or died and he said I wouldn’t have any issues accessing funds! How I laughed, I said do you really think that’s how it works? And that I’d want to go through that hassle at that time? 

I was hoping a joint account would simply open his eyes to the costs of the house and what’s more transparent than that if he wants to see what I spend? 

I see his bank statements, he doesn’t hide them, so I know what he spends anyway. So he’s not hiding that. 

sunflowerstar

comeandgo said:

sunflowerstar said:

comeandgo said:

How on earth can you have any feelings for someone who makes you beg for money?  Are you sure there is money in his account?  Could he be spending his money on another?  Please get in touch with woman's aid.  You are being taken for a fool and controlled.

I genuinely don’t think he sees it as an issue. Yes there’s definitely money, he honestly doesn’t spend much and he works from home so he’s never out the house for anymore than half a day a week. 

I have no other concerns, gambling or a secret family etc. It just makes me sad that he doesn’t see me as a partner in all this, it’s like being a child. 

Do you know the reasons his first marriage failed?  Did he treat his first wife the same?  You know yourself this is unacceptable in the 21st century.  Would you be able to let him see this thread to see that 100% of the replies state what he is doing is wrong.

No, his marriage failed because of her sadly, I knew them so I know it wasn’t a spin! He was treated badly.

And yes, that’s a really good idea actually. I think he thinks a lot of people work this way and I keep saying they don’t! Most of our friends don’t even have separate finances let alone this. 

onwards&upwards

sunflowerstar said:

comeandgo said:

sunflowerstar said:

comeandgo said:

How on earth can you have any feelings for someone who makes you beg for money?  Are you sure there is money in his account?  Could he be spending his money on another?  Please get in touch with woman's aid.  You are being taken for a fool and controlled.

I genuinely don’t think he sees it as an issue. Yes there’s definitely money, he honestly doesn’t spend much and he works from home so he’s never out the house for anymore than half a day a week. 

I have no other concerns, gambling or a secret family etc. It just makes me sad that he doesn’t see me as a partner in all this, it’s like being a child. 

Do you know the reasons his first marriage failed?  Did he treat his first wife the same?  You know yourself this is unacceptable in the 21st century.  Would you be able to let him see this thread to see that 100% of the replies state what he is doing is wrong.

No, his marriage failed because of her sadly, I knew them so I know it wasn’t a spin! He was treated badly.

I bet she'd tell a different story!

unholyangel

OP if you were making the claim for child benefit, he couldn't stop it - you would need to. So how did he cancel the claim? Or was it in his name? You would still be entitled to claim it - it is not both of you that needs to pay it back, it is your husband. It is a tax charge on him and not a reclaiming of benfits from you (either on your own or as a couple). He seems to have no problem treating his tax charge as "joint finance", probably because it suits him that way but not the other! 

Does he share responsibility for household chores & childcare duties? Is it just money itself that is the issue or is there a bigger general imbalance in your partnership? 

How much would services you provide (childcare, household chores/bills) cost if done by a third party? How much would he have to pay you in child maintenance if you were separated? Now how do they both compare to what you're receiving? Would you be better off going back to work and getting childcare? 

In a nutshell, your husband seems to have no problem going for things that are to his advantage - even if they are to your detriment. Therefore if you want him to agree to something more beneficial for you, you need to present it in a way it's beneficial to him.

boxer234

You say he doesn’t control you in other ways but he doesn’t need to.  You can’t afford to go out or have hobbies or even buy new clothes.  I’ve been there he might change if you talk to him seriously if not could you get a job how old are the children?  Start saving to leave.  You will be entitled to half as you are married.  Do call women’s aid. 

thorsoak

If he cancelled the claim to Child benefit, are you aware of the implications of this step?    You should read this:- https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/claiming-child-benefit#why-its-important-to-claim-child-benefit.   Additioinally - have you got a personal pension plan in operation?  You say you have savings - buy what about your own personal pension plan?    Ask him what he proposes to put in that.

Although, were I in your shoes, I would be taking steps to earn my own income - independent of him - the insecurity of having to ask for every penny, and having to justify expenditure would drive me mad - it is so 1950s!

gwynlas

I lost my earlier post, but it was a bit judgemental.
Does hee resent you being a SAHM with all financial reponsibility being his?
Write out a menu plan and shopping list drag him to a supermarket and add things for the children and yourself  then he can pay.

sunflowerstar

Thank you everyone, I’m going to reply to the last few comments here! 

No, no imbalance anywhere else at all. This is the only issue and I hate it because everything else is so great. Although I am the main one at home and naturally, more housework and child responsibilities fall to me, there’s no issue with him taking time off if I’m sick, he runs children around to clubs, does housework, maintains the garden etc etc we’re a good team in all other aspects. 

The child benefit was opted out of and I still get the NI contributions. 

I have no problem walking away from relationships and starting again, I have done it before. It makes me sad that he can’t see it’s the only thing letting it all down. 

I have looked at jobs, applied for some but so long out of the work force and no experience isn’t leaving me with many options unfortunately. However I have got something in the pipeline soon, just part time but he’s supportive, hopefully it works out. 

sunflowerstar

gwynlas said:

I lost my earlier post, but it was a bit judgemental.
Does hee resent you being a SAHM with all financial reponsibility being his?
Write out a menu plan and shopping list drag him to a supermarket and add things for the children and yourself  then he can pay.

I didn’t see it but it’s ok, I know how I would be responding to this post to be honest! 

Whenever we go out together he has no issue doing a full shop, if I add bits in he doesn’t mind. We rarely go out together though and again, it’s just that relying thing. But yes, I think there is some resentment. His job is demanding and mentally exhausting (as is mine in a different way!) he doesn’t get much downtime. And in all honesty he’d be an amazing stay at home dad but I wouldn’t even earn enough to cover the mortgage. So yes, I think that is a factor. I just wish he’d talk to me more about it, he closes up a bit and it’s hard to know exactly why he’s been like this because although it’s controlling I don’t think he’s doing it for control, if that makes sense?