Financial abuse, how to talk about money

sunflowerstar

Hello, this is my first post in the forums and I just need some advice or.. to just talk it out a bit. I feel I’ve exhausted all reasonable lines of communication. I’m sorry, it’ll be long.

I’ll start at the start - my husband has a good job and I’m at stay at home mum. I have been for 14 years and money has never been an issue. We’ve never had a joint account but I always had what I needed and it was ok. 

Over the years prices have risen and more children came along (and they get more expensive as they grow!) but the housekeeping stayed the same. I can not afford to run the house on the money which is given to me (I’m very frugal, all our clothes are second hand, toys and gifts too. Very careful with food shopping) but it’s exhausting and I’m sad about the economic difference in our household. I resort to selling my belongings each month to make ends meet, despite knowing we have more than enough to cover our expenses. I can’t buy the gifts I want for my family, and sometimes have to return things in the supermarket when I get to the checkout and I can’t afford the food. It’s humiliating and my husband has never experienced this because he has bank accounts and credit cards to fall back on. 

I used to receive child benefit but as my husband earns over the threshold we used to have to pay it back. Last year he quizzed me and wanted print outs of my bank statements because he didn’t understand why I hadn’t saved the £20 a week, how had I wasted it. I explained that the house keeping wasn’t enough to get by on but he wouldn’t accept it. After that he cancelled the child benefit payments.

I have suggested several times we have a joint account for household expenses but he doesn’t want a joint account and I can ‘always ask for money’. But when I do I have to justify why I need it and I find the whole experience rather degrading. And even if he says yes, he doesn’t end up transferring the money so I have to ask again. 

I tried again to suggest a joint account, I said all household expenses would come from there - food, children, fuel, everything. And then we could have £100 a month each for ourselves. He said £100 wasn’t realistic, we can’t afford that. But in the last few weeks I know he’s spent more than that on hobbies (he will always say his spends are essential, it’s not frivolous like mine). He said I could get a second card for my account for him, but I couldn’t be on his bank. Obviously this isn’t ok. He said we could open a new joint account and he would ‘transfer some  money over’ but again it’s completely in his control as I have nothing to add and still can’t access our main accounts. I’m at a loss. This aside, he’s lovely and I love him, we have such a great time. I just can’t work out his thinking behind this. I have no money issues, I’m extremely good with money but I’m sure he thinks me wasteful. 

We have no debt, we don’t go anywhere to spend. 

I don’t really know what replies to expect or what I’m even looking for, I just don’t know what to do because I just expected him to want to share everything with me and that we were a family unit. 

Thanks for reading 

onwards&upwards

He doesn't sound lovely, he sounds very controlling.  He's a very high earner if you aren't entitled to child benefit. 

Have you confronted him with the fact that his behaviour is abusive?  

He's not really concerned about money, he has plenty, he is just ensuring that you are powerless and are dependent on him.

Sea_Shell

Sounds like financial abuse to me.

Do you have any assets of your own? Savings or a Private Pension?
Do you own your house and if so is it jointly?
Have you any close friend or family you can confide in about this?

comeandgo

How on earth can you have any feelings for someone who makes you beg for money?  Are you sure there is money in his account?  Could he be spending his money on another?  Please get in touch with woman's aid.  You are being taken for a fool and controlled.

sunflowerstar

onwards&upwards said:

He doesn't sound lovely, he sounds very controlling.  He's a very high earner if you aren't entitled to child benefit. 

Have you confronted him with the fact that his behaviour is abusive?

I know. I don’t understand his attitude toward this. He was married previously and I’m not sure if he has some issues stemmed from that, I don’t know. He’s not controlling in any other way - where I go, who I see, what I do - and this is just really weird. 

There’s no reason for it and he can never give me any reason other than he doesn’t see it necessary. I’ve told him how it makes me feel but he said that isn’t his intention (although I pointed out that abuse is measured by the result not the intention, he doesn’t see it as valid). 

We have a lot of savings and he’s keen to save, which is great. I just don’t understand why I can’t be part of it or why I have to struggle when we are supposed to be a team 

sunflowerstar

Sea_Shell said:

Sounds like financial abuse to me.

Do you have any assets of your own? Savings or a Private Pension?
Do you own your house and if so is it jointly?
Have you any close friend or family you can confide in about this?

No I don’t have anything of my own sadly. The house is in his name. 

I’ve spoken to some friends - some are similar to comments on here (which is true, I would be saying the same believe me!) and others a little different as they know both of us. But all think it’s unacceptable. Which I know too. But I don’t know what to do.

onwards&upwards

sunflowerstar said:

onwards&upwards said:

He doesn't sound lovely, he sounds very controlling.  He's a very high earner if you aren't entitled to child benefit. 

Have you confronted him with the fact that his behaviour is abusive?

There’s no reason for it and he can never give me any reason other than he doesn’t see it necessary. I’ve told him how it makes me feel but he said that isn’t his intention (although I pointed out that abuse is measured by the result not the intention, he doesn’t see it as valid). 

So how you feel doesn't matter to him?

sunflowerstar

comeandgo said:

How on earth can you have any feelings for someone who makes you beg for money?  Are you sure there is money in his account?  Could he be spending his money on another?  Please get in touch with woman's aid.  You are being taken for a fool and controlled.

I genuinely don’t think he sees it as an issue. Yes there’s definitely money, he honestly doesn’t spend much and he works from home so he’s never out the house for anymore than half a day a week. 

I have no other concerns, gambling or a secret family etc. It just makes me sad that he doesn’t see me as a partner in all this, it’s like being a child. 

onwards&upwards

sunflowerstar said:

comeandgo said:

How on earth can you have any feelings for someone who makes you beg for money?  Are you sure there is money in his account?  Could he be spending his money on another?  Please get in touch with woman's aid.  You are being taken for a fool and controlled.

I genuinely don’t think he sees it as an issue. Yes there’s definitely money, he honestly doesn’t spend much and he works from home so he’s never out the house for anymore than half a day a week. 

I have no other concerns, gambling or a secret family etc. It just makes me sad that he doesn’t see me as a partner in all this, it’s like being a child. 

You've told him there's an issue, so he does know, please don't make excuses for him. 

splishsplash

Have a look online to see what you would be entitled to after 14 years of marriage.  Share your findings with your husband.

Then search 'financial abuse' and share those findings with your husband.

Figure out what you want and clearly state it to your husband,  then take it from there.

There is nothing lovely about this kind of control.

Sea_Shell

You say "we have savings", but I assume again all in his name?

Is he open with you as to how much savings he has?

You need to at least open a basic current account, in just your name, if you don't have one already, then ask (tell) him that you want £XXXX transferred in ASAP "for emergencies".

What if he was incapacitated or hospitalised for any reason... would he serious be happy to effectively throw you to the wolves, as I'm guessing you don't have Power of Attorneys in place?