In-Laws eh, who'd have 'em?

Primrose

They say fami,iarity breeds contempt's so you  need to nip  this habit in  bud now and regain control, of your hiusehold boundaries. 

Just ring them up and say, "Look, we feel u co fir table having to say this to you but we can,t cope with your late night stays when we have to go to work on a Thursday so from now on it,s 10 pm departure and can we p,ease ask you to Police  yourselves

And by the way, we,re instituting a new domestic discipline of no phones during social visits because it,s driving us crazy.  So hopefully you're a ok with this".

then if yiur father in law gets his ohone out, bring him a jig of water and tell him to out his ohone away or out the ohone in the jug.   He,ll look at yiur i. Disbelief but yiu need to act together on this one and make them understand they have to respect the big daries of yiur household.   

If they won't respec them, if they turn up before yiu return home from work just  politely say Sorry, not tonight.  We meant what we said abiut respecting boundaries. We'll see yiu next week.  Your OH needs to Put his Big Boys Trowsers on and start getting his parents to respect yiur biu daries.  I guarantee if You do it firmly once they'll probably get the message !  

carefullycautious

I would make it a once a month visit on a day when there was no work. What about a sunday lunch at yours. If you change the day and time it would disrupt this every week mentality.
I do know what it is like as I had a parent who came every weekend sat and sun morning early and stayed all morning. When my sibling told them that it was not fair on us to come so early as we had babies. They pushed the time from 8.30 - 9.00. This went on for all of our married life untill they were unable to physically get to us. The relief was unbelievable and now that I am older and wiser  I would have nipped it in the bud. With work all week and this going on at weekend we have never had a lie in and even now that we can we still wake early.

74jax

SeaVixen said:

onwards&upwards said:

Are the rest of the family spiteful idiots?  Do you really think they believe you should let your in-laws stay till past midnight on a work night? 
If so, sod them, who cares what spiteful idiots think?
More likely you're worrying about something that would never happen. 

I'm sure the actual timings would be omitted from the story if they were to tell anyone. 

I can see SIL in particular deciding that this was all my idea because I don't want my in-laws in my big posh house or some such nonsense. I can see her really enjoying us asking the InLaws to spend less time with us, 

But isn't that what you want, what this thread is about?
I'm with Onwards&upwards here, who cares what others think.

SeaVixen

carefullycautious said:

I would make it a once a month visit on a day when there was no work. What about a sunday lunch at yours. If you change the day and time it would disrupt this every week mentality.
I do know what it is like as I had a parent who came every weekend sat and sun morning early and stayed all morning. When my sibling told them that it was not fair on us to come so early as we had babies. They pushed the time from 8.30 - 9.00. This went on for all of our married life untill they were unable to physically get to us. The relief was unbelievable and now that I am older and wiser  I would have nipped it in the bud. With work all week and this going on at weekend we have never had a lie in and even now that we can we still wake early.

Wow, that is quite inconsiderate! That must have been a right pain! Did they help out with the kids at all, or were they just there to socialise? 

Making it monthly is something that we haven't considered actually - thank you. 

FIL's shift work means he usually works weekends.  When writing this, my first thought was that asking them over on a weekend would be a solid no  -  we like to keep weekends free for DIY (we're doing up our first home. FIL not that keen on helping out), seeing friends from further afield, and generally recovering from the week (OH has depression and anxiety). However, if FILs work pattern would mean they could come over one weekend a month, then this might be a worthy trade-off. I'll raise it with OH.

SeaVixen

74jax said:

SeaVixen said:

I can see SIL in particular deciding that this was all my idea because I don't want my in-laws in my big posh house or some such nonsense. I can see her really enjoying us asking the InLaws to spend less time with us, 

But isn't that what you want, what this thread is about?
I'm with Onwards&upwards here, who cares what others think.

That's not what this thread is about at all....
I'm perfectly happy for them to come over. I'd just like them to leave at a reasonable hour?

warby68

All you or rather your OH needs to say is ' we love having you but need an earlier night for work. We'd like to make it 10.30 from now on please'. 
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that sort of timing on a work night. If they are offended or other family members stick the knife in, it really is their problem. 
Its grown into a really big thing but it actually shouldn't be. I suspect dad gets his phone out because he's ready to go too!
If mum has problems that mean she needs extra love and attention offer something else another time as well.

carefullycautious

SeaVixen said:

carefullycautious said:

I would make it a once a month visit on a day when there was no work. What about a sunday lunch at yours. If you change the day and time it would disrupt this every week mentality.
I do know what it is like as I had a parent who came every weekend sat and sun morning early and stayed all morning. When my sibling told them that it was not fair on us to come so early as we had babies. They pushed the time from 8.30 - 9.00. This went on for all of our married life untill they were unable to physically get to us. The relief was unbelievable and now that I am older and wiser  I would have nipped it in the bud. With work all week and this going on at weekend we have never had a lie in and even now that we can we still wake early.

Wow, that is quite inconsiderate! That must have been a right pain! Did they help out with the kids at all, or were they just there to socialise? 

Making it monthly is something that we haven't considered actually - thank you. 

FIL's shift work means he usually works weekends.  When writing this, my first thought was that asking them over on a weekend would be a solid no  -  we like to keep weekends free for DIY (we're doing up our first home. FIL not that keen on helping out), seeing friends from further afield, and generally recovering from the week (OH has depression and anxiety). However, if FILs work pattern would mean they could come over one weekend a month, then this might be a worthy trade-off. I'll raise it with OH.

No no help with children, I wont go into what else I did for them on a regular basis. It was exhausting. I have other friends who do the same.

TBagpuss

I think that you and your OH are going to have to be very clear with them.

Maybe something along the lines of:

"We love you, and we enjoy spending time with you. However, you may not have realised that you've fallen into a habit of arriving really early at our home, before we even get home from work, and staying until very late, later than we would normally be unwinding and going to bed. That's not working for us, as we have to be up and at work the next day, and even with people like you that we enjoy spending time with, it doesn't work when we don't have any time between getting in from work and meeting you.
We want to be able to enjoy your visits, so moving forward, we'd like you to call us a few days before you plan to visit, and then we can agree what time works for us for you to get here, and we can let you know what time we'll need you to go by, so we can all relax and enjoy the visit. That way, you'll know that you're coming at a time we are available to spend time with you, and we'll be able to plan round your visit." 

The other thing you can do is stop rewarding their behavior. If they show up without an invitation, then "H what a shame you didn't call and ask if we were free. We're busy,  I'm afraid, so won't be able to invite you in this evening , bye" You DON'T owe them any explanation as to what you are busy with. It's the old "I have plans tonight" - that can be true, even if the plan is "I'm going to change into my oldest pajamas and watch terrible old movies in bed" - they don't need to know your plans. 

If they are coming on an agreed date, then set a time "Yes, we'd love to see you next Wednesday. Can you make sure you arrive sometime between 7 and 7 .30, we won't be available earlier"  
If they arrive earlier then don't let them in. Be surprised and a bit put out and remind them that they aren't due until 7. Ask if there is an emergency, and when they say no, tell them that, as you explained, you aren't available until 7 so can they come back then.  (if you don't think you can do this then consider arranging with your OH that the two of you will meet for a coffee or walk in the local park after work, and not come back to the house until 6.45 - the aim is that you stop rewarding their behavior by adapting to them, and start sticking to boundaries.

At the moment, you are seething privately and dropping hints, but you are still letting them in when they show up ridiculously early, letting them stay far later than you are comfortable with.

I would be in favour of using your words. Sit them down, say that you have notices that they arrive very early and don't leave at a reasonable time, that FIL doesn't seem to enjoy the visits as he is constantly on his phone, so you think it would be better to focus on working out a different pattern of time together that you can all enjoy. Maybe suggest meeting up once a month away from both your houses , or suggest that you alternate, once a month at yours, once a month at theirs, so that you cut down the number of opportunities they have to outstay their welcome. 

Primrose

I suppose this is a lesson to us all really that when it comes to dealing with family or friends it's a lot easier to recognise inconvenient behaviours  very early on  when it,s a lot easier to tactfully nip them in the bud before they become an engrained habit when it creates all kinds of awkwardness and discomfort to deal with.

It,s always easier if it's the individual whose parents or friend is causing the issue who takes the initiative but you have to be firm minded and act as a combined unit so that one partner isn,t forced to appear as if they,re causing trouble to trying to drive a wedge in a relationship. . 

SeaVixen

Primrose said:

I suppose this is a lesson to us all really that when it comes to dealing with family or friends it's a lot easier to recognise inconvenient behaviours  very early on  when it,s a lot easier to tactfully nip them in the bud before they become an engrained habit when it creates all kinds of awkwardness and discomfort to deal with.

It,s always easier if it's the individual whose parents or friend is causing the issue who takes the initiative but you have to be firm minded and act as a combined unit so that one partner isn,t forced to appear as if they,re causing trouble to trying to drive a wedge in a relationship. . 

Very true, on both counts.