In-Laws eh, who'd have 'em?

pickledonionspaceraider

Omg sitting on your doorstep when you get home from work, and leaving at 3am? Literally no time to unwind after work
They are selfish people - setting it up on a night that suits them, but if there is the slightest chance that FIL will have a late night then they won't come at all that week. eeew
I think Swingaloo's idea is fantastic, of somehow swapping nights so it is not so convenient for them to sit there all night
OR
another idea that just dawned on me is to do it at theirs, or at least half the time. Why do they always have to come to yours?  That way you are very much in control of when the evening ends

SeaVixen

Thank you for your comments everyone!

Mojisola said:

Does your MIL get out to any groups - most areas have AgeUK and similar organisations who run social groups or meal clubs.  If she had other things happening in the week, she may be happier with shorter visits to you - as well as have more to talk about with you when she does visit.

She doesn't - she very rarely leaves the house without someone being with her all the time.
She once got a bus to meet me and OH in town, and called him 5 times during the journey (calling other family members in between, we later found out). It's a mental thing now as well as physical, which is upsetting, as I believe she used to be a very independent person. She's on a post-covid waiting list for an operation that might help the physical ailments. After that it might be an idea to get the both of them engaged in a hobby of some kind where they get out of the house. FILs shift work may cause issues, but it's something to think about! 

wilfred30 said:

I feel sorry for your husband having such ignorant parents

This is what's odd. They're so kind and generous, they've been really very good with me, so I have no desire to offend them at all. This is the only flaw in our relationship. I wouldn't say they are ignorant people, but they should have picked up on this by now! 

Fireflyaway said:

Could you invite them first if you think they are going to come anyway? That way you could say "come round at 6:30pm" and hopefully they will come at that time and not before!

I'll suggest this to the OH. They usually mention to him that they're coming up (we have a stable routine, so they know when we're in) so there is scope to discuss time.

Fireflyaway said:

Your suggestion of 'training them' is probably what I'd do as well! I'd ask your partner to do it though so they don't see it as interfering.

Absolutely! I always leave it to him to drop the heaviest hints and eventually kick them out, for the sake of the in-laws and my OH.
He does agree with what I've said, but I'm still treading cautiously -  I don't want to dictate when the time with his parents ends, they are his parents after all!

In the early days when I thought it was just me, I'd actually say "I'm really sorry, I'm exhausted so going bed. You three stay up as long as you like though....". OH would give a panicked look, which he later confirmed meant "Don't leave me alone here!". This prompted the conversation between us that he has to be the one to kick them out...

Fireflyaway said:

Could you try playing a game all together after food? That would get dad off the phone and mean you can interact without having to struggle to find conversation topics. 

I'm a big board game fan, we've done this a couple of times with mixed success. FIL isn't keen so takes some convincing. MIL doesn't pick up games very easily, and then struggles to win any when she does understand. We're always on the lookout for new family games that might be appropriate though!

SeaVixen

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Why do they always have to come to yours?  That way you are very much in control of when the evening ends

Public transport links aren't great, so it would be two busses to get there. By the time we got there after work, we'd barely have 2 hours there before needing to get the last bus home, and it would still be a late night for us. 
My inner MSE can't justify a regular taxi on top of the (in my view) regular unnecessary takeaways. 

Also, last time we tried that, FIL offered to drive us home about 10pm. MIL comes with him, and they just followed us into the house and stayed for a couple of hours....  I think both OH and I were so gobsmacked and confused at the time that neither of us could work out how or why that happened. We had a cup of tea then OH kicked them out. 

warby68

As the inlaw, I'd politely say I was tired and needed to get to bed, say goodnight and go. I'd say 'I'll just leave you and OH to finish up and see you next week''. This leaves it to your OH to deal with own parents which should have been done before now.

Mojisola

SeaVixen said:

Mojisola said:

Does your MIL get out to any groups - most areas have AgeUK and similar organisations who run social groups or meal clubs. 

She doesn't - she very rarely leaves the house without someone being with her all the time.
She once got a bus to meet me and OH in town, and called him 5 times during the journey (calling other family members in between, we later found out). It's a mental thing now as well as physical, which is upsetting, as I believe she used to be a very independent person.

The AgeUK group that my Dad went to picked up people from their homes - people weren't expected to make their own way there.

SeaVixen

rach_k said:

After lock down, how about suggesting you go out sometimes instead?  I know it isn't your responsibility but I'd feel sad to stop MIL getting out of the house if she doesn't get out much, but if you go to a restaurant or meet for a summer-time evening walk in a park or something, you are in control of when you leave.  If she wants to stay out later with FIL, she can.

This might be something for us to think about - thank you!
We've done things like this in the past. We live closer to town and on a public transport route (FIL won't drive into town) so they park their car at ours and we'd get the bus into town together. So when the evening ends, they come back to ours and will expect to come in for one last cup of tea etc, and then end up staying late. I think my OH would struggle saying that they can't come in, and no matter how early we get back, they'll stay until OH kicks them out. 
However, we could explore the possibility of meeting somewhere between our houses so that we all get public transport there. We'll have less options (will probably end up in a country road pub or similar) but it would be a new venue for all of us, and mean we can leave when we like. 

Where the responsibility lies is something that OH and I have spoken about a couple of times. We don't have a car all the time, but when we do (maybe for a week every 3 months), we'll take her out somewhere nice. It's frustrating that FIL doesn't ever think to do the same, but that's a separate conversation...  

onwards&upwards

I think you're pussyfooting around this far too much.  These are loved family members, you can be a bit more direct.

You haven't mentioned that they take offence when you eventually pluck up the nerve to ask them to leave in the middle of the night, so just do it earlier!  At 10pm one of you stands up and says 'right, its been lovely but we've got work in the morning so time to call it a night, see you soon, have a safe drive home'.  

Its really not rocket science.  

onwards&upwards

Mojisola said:

SeaVixen said:

Mojisola said:

Does your MIL get out to any groups - most areas have AgeUK and similar organisations who run social groups or meal clubs. 

She doesn't - she very rarely leaves the house without someone being with her all the time.
She once got a bus to meet me and OH in town, and called him 5 times during the journey (calling other family members in between, we later found out). It's a mental thing now as well as physical, which is upsetting, as I believe she used to be a very independent person.

The AgeUK group that my Dad went to picked up people from their homes - people weren't expected to make their own way there.

If FIL is still working age, MIL probably is too and might not be too impressed with the suggestion of a group for elderly people! 

SeaVixen

Mojisola said:

The AgeUK group that my Dad went to picked up people from their homes - people weren't expected to make their own way there.

I understand that usually happens - however I don't think she'd attend at all unless someone she knew went to the group with her.
There aren't any Age UK groups in her area anyway at the moment, but I'll keep an eye out for any others once she's had her operation and might be a bit more up for going out (with or without one of us)

sheramber

When I was a teenager we had a lady in the village who would stay at her friend's house to the early hours.
Eventually the friend   just said 'Well I am away to my bed , Miss P. Lock the  door when you do out.'