In-Laws eh, who'd have 'em?

Brackenfield

I used to have a neighbour do this to me, except I worked and she didnt.  My strategy was.... so let's have another cuppa then I need to get to bed as I've got work in the morning. It gives notice of a timeline, then take the cup back and head to open the front door.... it was lovely to see you....

SeaVixen

Brackenfield said:

I used to have a neighbour do this to me, except I worked and she didnt.  My strategy was.... so let's have another cuppa then I need to get to bed as I've got work in the morning. It gives notice of a timeline, then take the cup back and head to open the front door.... it was lovely to see you....

I like this method, this is what I usually do with friends! 
I don't think we've tried it with the in-laws to be honest - mostly because it's usually me that thinks to make the cuppas, not the OH, and it would need to be the OH that specifies the timeline. I'll mention this to him, as he might be more comfortable doing this than just asking them to leave. Thanks! 

LillythePink

Why not have a chat with them outside your home - so meet up at a park or wherever and just lay it on the line and say that whilst you love seeing them, you are both struggling the day after as you're both working and them leaving late isn't on and then  maybe come up with a compromise?

Surely they wouldn't begrudge a chat about it rather than just excuses and hints all the time or is the relationship not that great that you can't talk about things like this?

SeaVixen

LillythePink said:

Why not have a chat with them outside your home - so meet up at a park or wherever and just lay it on the line and say that whilst you love seeing them, you are both struggling the day after as you're both working and them leaving late isn't on and then  maybe come up with a compromise?

Surely they wouldn't begrudge a chat about it rather than just excuses and hints all the time or is the relationship not that great that you can't talk about things like this?

OH has had variants of this conversation with them before on the phone, usually when they're coming over the next day. It makes them more considerate for that visit (sometimes, not always), but the next one is back to normal and OH eventually has to ask them to leave. This is partly on OH, as he's more comfortable saying things like "it's been a difficult week" or "tomorrow is a big day for us", which would make them think it's just specific to that visit. Though sometimes they ignore this anyway. 

We can tell from other interactions that they would be very offended if we let them know we were putting a blanket rule on them staying past a certain time - however delicately we broke the news. It would likely end up with me being bad mouthed around the rest of the family, even though it would be OH having that conversation. They don't stay this late with anyone else on a weeknight, and the InLaws don't deem it to be that late, so it could easily be seen from the outside as "OH and SeaVixen are very happy to have InLaws around when they're buying them food and helping with DIY, but want to get rid of them fast when they've got what they want!"  You can bet the rest of the family wouldn't bring it up with me or OH for us to correct them, either....

 

LillythePink

rock and a hard place - can't do right for doing wrong.....which is a pity.

Maybe see when FIL is working early the next day and go around to theirs and stay late to see how they like it - but you'd probably be shown the door early and it would be put down to "FIL needs his sleep as he's older and you're young you can handle it"

Stupid thing is, having an open and honest chat is better than all the hints etc

onwards&upwards

SeaVixen said:

LillythePink said:

Why not have a chat with them outside your home - so meet up at a park or wherever and just lay it on the line and say that whilst you love seeing them, you are both struggling the day after as you're both working and them leaving late isn't on and then  maybe come up with a compromise?

Surely they wouldn't begrudge a chat about it rather than just excuses and hints all the time or is the relationship not that great that you can't talk about things like this?

 "OH and SeaVixen are very happy to have InLaws around when they're buying them food and helping with DIY, but want to get rid of them fast when they've got what they want!"  You can bet the rest of the family wouldn't bring it up with me or OH for us to correct them, either....

 

Are the rest of the family spiteful idiots?  Do you really think they believe you should let your in-laws stay till past midnight on a work night? 

If so, sod them, who cares what spiteful idiots think?

More likely you're worrying about something that would never happen. 

SeaVixen

onwards&upwards said:

Are the rest of the family spiteful idiots?  Do you really think they believe you should let your in-laws stay till past midnight on a work night? 
If so, sod them, who cares what spiteful idiots think?
More likely you're worrying about something that would never happen. 

Yes, I possibly am. However, that side of the family is always quite happy to have an argument. OH and I try not to get involved with the feuds. 

Like I said, they don't stay that late with anyone else, and the In Laws clearly don't think it's that late so I'm sure the actual timings would be omitted from the story if they were to tell anyone. 

I can see SIL in particular deciding that this was all my idea because I don't want my in-laws in my big posh house or some such nonsense. The InLaws have said she's jealous of me and OH for reasons I won't go into. I can see her really enjoying us asking the InLaws to spend less time with us, and turning it into a bigger deal than it actually is - though not to our faces obviously, or we could say what actually happened and diffuse the situation. 

onwards&upwards

SeaVixen said:

onwards&upwards said:

Are the rest of the family spiteful idiots?  Do you really think they believe you should let your in-laws stay till past midnight on a work night? 
If so, sod them, who cares what spiteful idiots think?
More likely you're worrying about something that would never happen. 

Yes, I possibly am. However, that side of the family is always quite happy to have an argument. OH and I try not to get involved with the feuds. 

Like I said, they don't stay that late with anyone else, and the In Laws clearly don't think it's that late so I'm sure the actual timings would be omitted from the story if they were to tell anyone. 

I can see SIL in particular deciding that this was all my idea because I don't want my in-laws in my big posh house or some such nonsense. The InLaws have told me they think she's jealous of me and OH for reasons I won't go into. I can see her really enjoying us asking the InLaws to spend less time with us, and turning it into a bigger deal than it actually is. 

So what?  Let them talk!  If they say anything to you just tell them the truth, if they still have a problem its all on them.  

Nobody likes conflict but you can't live your life as a doormat to avoid it!  And if the sister convinces them to come round less, bonus!  That's exactly what you want!  

SeaVixen

onwards&upwards said:

SeaVixen said:

onwards&upwards said:

Are the rest of the family spiteful idiots?  Do you really think they believe you should let your in-laws stay till past midnight on a work night? 
If so, sod them, who cares what spiteful idiots think?
More likely you're worrying about something that would never happen. 

Yes, I possibly am. However, that side of the family is always quite happy to have an argument. OH and I try not to get involved with the feuds. 

Like I said, they don't stay that late with anyone else, and the In Laws clearly don't think it's that late so I'm sure the actual timings would be omitted from the story if they were to tell anyone. 

I can see SIL in particular deciding that this was all my idea because I don't want my in-laws in my big posh house or some such nonsense. The InLaws have told me they think she's jealous of me and OH for reasons I won't go into. I can see her really enjoying us asking the InLaws to spend less time with us, and turning it into a bigger deal than it actually is. 

So what?  Let them talk!  If they say anything to you just tell them the truth, if they still have a problem its all on them.  

Nobody likes conflict but you can't live your life as a doormat to avoid it!  And if the sister convinces them to come round less, bonus!  That's exactly what you want!  

Absolutely get your point - and it might be what we end up doing. Going to try a few of the other suggestions in the thread first though, which are less likely to end in a shouting match.

I'm still hoping that if we consistently ask them to leave around 10pm, with OH saying "well, it's gone 10, time for bed" (and not saying anything that makes it specific to that week) then they'll get the point without us actually having to tell them we're putting a blanket rule down.

barbiedoll

10pm is a perfectly reasonable time for anyone to go to bed when they have to get up early for work the next day, that’s when I go to bed on weeknights! You have the right idea, with your OH being consistent and making it clear that this is your normal routine. You can do your bit by performing your “going to bed” routine, e.g. locking the doors and windows, turning out the lights in other rooms, shutting down the telly and laptops, and so on. If you see them on a day when you don’t have to get up for work, (during holidays etc)  make a big deal of mentioning how it is so nice not to have to go to bed so early for a change.

Another one to try is maybe starting a social thing on Wednesdays (gym, yoga class, swimming, or meeting with friends?) and tell the in-laws that they’ll have to change the day of their visit. See how long FIL wants to stay when he has to get up for work in the morning! 

I wouldn’t personally worry about your bitchy SIL. If she’s so keen to see her parents, she can host them into the small hours on a weekday.