How should this work? Finances in marriage = fairness.

74jax

maman said:

I do know of a couple though who made that decision and about 14 years on he was still working his socks off and she was a lady of leisure! 

That will be me soon..... And no baby to look after...
I'm working my 3 month notice, no job to go to and plan on taking some time out.  Hubby jokes how long is 'some time'...
We talked about it, he basically said he'd support my decision whatever.
We do have substantial separate savings though and his monthly salary covers all bills, plenty to save etc.
I think he's looking forward to dinners being made and me doing the lawn mowing....., 😂 

maman

74jax said:

maman said:

I do know of a couple though who made that decision and about 14 years on he was still working his socks off and she was a lady of leisure! 

That will be me soon..... And no baby to look after...
I'm working my 3 month notice, no job to go to and plan on taking some time out.  Hubby jokes how long is 'some time'...
We talked about it, he basically said he'd support my decision whatever.
We do have substantial separate savings though and his monthly salary covers all bills, plenty to save etc.
I think he's looking forward to dinners being made and me doing the lawn mowing....., 😂 

Hopefully 14 years down the line he isn't deciding he'd have been better off employing a gardner and using Deliveroo!  :    

Spendless

maman said:

Thanks CCJ. That's a useful insight. I'd agree that if you jointly agree to have a child then, for a while, you have to come up with a financial solution while income is changed and ongoing for childcare.
I do know of a couple though who made that decision and about 14 years on he was still working his socks off and she was a lady of leisure! Unless there are health/disability issues then I think taking time out of the workplace to have a child needs only to be temporary. Perhaps OP will come back and tell us how they plan to manage with the new baby. 

I'd have loved to have had the 'lady of leisure's' point of view on this. I'm wondering if when he ws working his socks off he was also returning home to most or every meal made for him. Never having to do any housework. His business suits dropped off to be dry cleaned and returned to the wardrobe.  Any extra curricular activities the kids did always been taken to and from and many other aspects of household and family life he was enjoying tha he wouldn't have got otherwise. Did she ever tell you her side of the story? 

74jax

maman said:

74jax said:

maman said:

I do know of a couple though who made that decision and about 14 years on he was still working his socks off and she was a lady of leisure! 

That will be me soon..... And no baby to look after...
I'm working my 3 month notice, no job to go to and plan on taking some time out.  Hubby jokes how long is 'some time'...
We talked about it, he basically said he'd support my decision whatever.
We do have substantial separate savings though and his monthly salary covers all bills, plenty to save etc.
I think he's looking forward to dinners being made and me doing the lawn mowing....., 😂 

Hopefully 14 years down the line he isn't deciding he'd have been better off employing a gardner and using Deliveroo!  :    

He's a much better cook than me don't think he knows what he's letting himself in for....., 😂 

daisyfrau

I don’t think there’s a right answer. But there simple arrangements and complex ones!
We are a “young” (30s) couple with a 4 year old. We put everything into one pot. All bills and savings etc come out of there. We each get a spending allowance (£100 a month), and literally everything is paid from the jt acct. I understand you don’t have to contribute to his kids but at the same time he does, so his income is effectively reduced by that amount. Therefore makes sense to treat it as an expense. You can take it out of your joint account or he can take it out of his pay before he pays into the joint but either way you won’t be seeing that money. You may prefer one way or the other but bear in mind you are about to have a child and have your income reduce drastically - you may feel differently about “your house/bills vs my house/bills” once your income is slashed. When you go back to work you will have childcare to think of - super expensive until they can go to preschool so again both of you will have another major expense for the next few years. If you have more children the financial pain is prolonged. So think about what you want now but also think about what you will need later and play your cards carefully. 

Congratulations on the baby and on having a partner to do it with!! It’s not easy, it’s not cheap but it’s a blessing!

maman

Spendless said:

I'd have loved to have had the 'lady of leisure's' point of view on this. I'm wondering if when he ws working his socks off he was also returning home to most or every meal made for him. Never having to do any housework. His business suits dropped off to be dry cleaned and returned to the wardrobe.  Any extra curricular activities the kids did always been taken to and from and many other aspects of household and family life he was enjoying tha he wouldn't have got otherwise. Did she ever tell you her side of the story? 

We have discussed it. You're right that she did most of  the domestic stuff you described but it did cause tension. He enjoyed having his meals cooked etc but could see that she had heaps more leisure time than him. Others may not agree but when a child is at school all day  (in this case including breakfast club and after school because she wanted to be like her friends) then domestic stuff is not a 24/7 job. In this particular case, they even had a live in grandma (barely 60) so no childcare issues. When she'd been at home about 7 years he started to raise the question of finding a job. She resisted for about 4 more years and eventually found a low paid/part time job which still allowed time for lunching and coffee with friends. Now the 'child' is about to go to university (coronavirus permitting) and she works more hours but still barely full time, nothing like the well paid job she had originally. It's their choice, of course, but not something I could do. 

John_

boots_babe said:

Surely if you're in a proper partnership, you would just have joint finances? Why don't you both just pay your incomings into a shared account, and then pay all outgoings from it? Far easier all round, I never quite understand the question of 'what is a fair split' in this type of situation.

Different couples come up with different arrangements that work for them, so there’s no “surely” about it.  We each put the same amount into the joint account each month,mane that covers all household spending on things like mortgages, holidays, food, furniture, childcare etc, with some extra in there for contingencies, and then the rest of our wages goes into a selection of individual accounts that each of us invests, saves or spends as we want.

maman

I can't accept that if you don't go for the 'one pot' system you're not a  'proper partnership' . I find that insulting. IMO we're individuals too. We're perfectly able to manage our own finances and contribute to that partnership in a way that best works for us. 

Madmel

We are like Dutchcloggie.  We each have our own accounts but a joint household one with associated debit & credit cards.  We added up all bills and worked out an amount to each pay in that would cover everything and allow us to build up a cushion of savings either for repairs, or occasionally a holiday.  When we were first married we earned similar amounts so paid in the same.  When the DDs came along, I worked p/t so DH paid 2/3 and I paid 1/3 as I was doing most of the childcare.  Now DH is self-employed on NMW and I earn much more.  I pay more in than he does.  He does a lot of the maintenance whereas I do more of the day to day shopping, cooking, washing etc.
I never wanted to have to ask him for money, and never wanted to begrudge him having his obsessions.  First it was sailing.  Then it was Scuba diving.  Then flying.  Now it's rock climbing or something else I wouldn't give 2 hoots if I never went.  He can spend what he likes on it as long as he pays his share into the household account.
I always tell him if I want to move the account, credit card or utilities but he trusts me to do a good job with it.  If a big job is needed on our house, he will tell me what he is planning and a rough budget then he sorts it out and I pay the bills.
Other people may not like it, but I don't care.  It works for us.  As long as we both agree with the system and it is transparent and fair to both parties, quite frankly it's nobody else's business.

Fireflyaway

I think the only 'right way' is what works for the couple. Having suggestions that id never considered has been really helpful for me.